Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  How could I express my thoughts when I didn’t know how I was feeling?

  ‘Elle, I’m a man. I watch porn. If you had been with other men, you would know it’s not abnormal.’

  ‘I know it’s not abnormal.’ I ignored the comment about other men.

  ‘Well, stop behaving like it is.’

  For the next hour, we both gave each other the silent treatment, unsure how we were going to rectify the situation. In truth, I didn’t care if he had an alphabetically organised porn stash. What niggled me was the way he’d thrown himself at me the moment I walked through the door. Shaking the self-doubt that had seeped from the second layer of skin I tried so desperately to hide from the world was becoming increasingly difficult. Luke had firmly pressed my I’m not good enough button and was now sitting on it, bearing down with his full weight.

  ‘Look, I got bored.’ He reached for my hand. I let him hold it, noticing the heat.

  ‘I don’t want you to need porn to get in the mood to fuck me.’ The words burst out of my mouth before I had time to stop them. My eyes scanned the floor searching for a big enough hole to bury myself in.

  ‘Jesus! Is that what you think? You thought when I jumped on you, as you put it, I only wanted to have sex because I’d been watching porn.’

  I was transfixed by his show of astonishment. Every movement was dramatic, sweeping and tense. He dragged his hands through his hair and rubbed his hand over the dark shadow of stubble on his chin, the scratchy sound lingering in the air as he stood to his feet.

  ‘Can you hear yourself? Do you not know how childish you sound? Elle, I wanted to fuck you. I wanted you the minute you walked through the door because you turn me on.’ He backed me towards the wall, pining me with his hands on the cold surface. ‘I wanted to bend you over on the stairs and watch my cock slide in and out of you.’ He moved his lips so they were touching my ear. ‘I wanted to feel your pussy tighten on my cock as I made you come. I wanted to close my eyes and fuck you with the thought that only my cock has ever been inside you making it harder than its ever been.’ He held my head and dug his fingers into my flesh, sending shivers down my spine. ‘Then I wanted to pull my cock out of you and come all over that perfect arse of yours. But no! You decide in your apparent wisdom that I’m only turned on because I’ve been watching porn. Grow up, Elle!’ he said as he forcefully removed his hands, sending my head jolting back to hit the wall behind me.

  The cocksure show was over. I had been firmly put back in my place. For the first time on this rocky journey called us, I felt belittled and my lack of experience mocked. I felt uncomfortable.

  Panic gripped my body in its unwelcome hold.

  I knew before I ever entered into a relationship that it would be a steep learning curve for me. I guessed that I would encounter situations I wouldn’t handle well, but I was ready to learn from my mistakes and move on. An expectation of pushing buttons, arguing and compromising were aspects of relationships that were presumed. So why had this hit a nerve so much? I wasn’t against porn. I didn’t have a problem with it, never had. So why did I freak out?

  ‘I think you should go,’ he said as he looked to the floor.

  ‘I agree. I think I need some space. I think we both do.’ I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

  ‘So what is this? A break-up? A timeout card?’ he asked, his beautiful face crumpling, highlighting the lines at the side of his eyes. I had always thought of them as laughter lines, but now I was certain they were the weathered lines of years of anxiety, forced disappointment, and self-inflicted pain.

  ‘No, it’s not a break-up. Unless you want it to be?’

  He shook his head, frustration hanging heavy between us. ‘You need to accept the good and the bad.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means go home, Elle. It means go home and think about what happened tonight. Go home and consider who’s in the wrong.’

  I sighed heavily, closing my eyes to extinguish the feelings that threatened to turn me inside out in front of him.

  As I walked down the uneven path, I didn’t have to turn around to know he wasn’t there. The usual walk consisted of stolen glances, goodbye kisses, and sorrowful looks. The sound of the door clicking shut told me there would be no pining tonight.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Heartache was a bitch. Not just any bitch. A hormonal, PMS-raging, sex, chocolate, and wine deprived bitch. Clarity was not a word I could identify with after today’s turn of events. A group text to my amazing friends was my only hope. I sat alone waiting for them. Unusually, I didn’t have long to wait. Abi smiled as I waved her over, gesturing for her to sit next to me.

  ‘What’s the emergency?’ she asked as she sat down at our usual spot in the café.

  Where should I start?

  ‘I’ve had a fall out with Luke. Nothing major. I just need help to clear up some thoughts that have left a nasty taste in my mouth.’

  Gem held up her hand to stop me. ‘I can feel we’re going to need something stronger than coffee for this.’

  Explaining the porn situation to open mouths and sniggers from my three best friends was not the easiest way to start the process of scraping me off the ceiling. ‘I can’t read your reactions,’ I said as my gaze travelled between the three of them.

  Gem was the first to speak. ‘I’m having trouble here. What is it that you’re concerned about?’

  ‘I really don’t know what I’m more shocked about. Him watching porn, him leaving it on for me to see, or the fact that he needed it to get him going before pouncing on me. And he told me to grow up. He obviously thinks I’m some naïve, immature, porn hating juvenile.’

  ‘Let’s address the porn first. From what I can gather, he’d been waiting for you all day. Yes?’ Abi was in full talking with your hands mode. I laughed as Kate moved out of the way to avoid being hit as she became more and more animated.

  ‘Yes, he’d been waiting all day.’

  ‘He was horny as fuck and desperate to get laid. You were indisposed.’ Abi was now using finger quotation marks. I was in trouble. ‘So he took matters into his own hands, so to speak.’

  I rolled my eyes at the bad timing of her joke. ‘I don’t think he pleasured himself. That’s why he was so desperate when I walked through the door.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, don’t soil my eyes!’ Abi said, pretending to put a finger down her throat. ‘Mental images of Luke Simms jerking off over a copy of Pulp Friction will not help me get a great night’s sleep tonight.’ I covered my face with my hands and jumped when she banged her hand on the table. ‘I’ve got it!’ She grinned smugly, obviously pleased with herself as I prepared for the signature straight talk. ‘He fancies you so much and was desperate to fuck you all afternoon, so he watched a bit of porn to stoke the engines ready for when you rang the doorbell and could re-enact the sexy secretary scene on the hallway floor, jumping on you when you walked in. What a bastard!’ she said sarcastically as Gem and Kate tried to hide their wide smiles with their hands.

  ‘Am I overreacting?’ I groaned as Gem tried to take some semblance of order.

  ‘I think you may have overreacted a smidge,’ she replied, holding up her thumb and finger to indicate the smidge.

  Kate nodded. ‘I really think you should take it as a compliment that he was so desperate to have you all day.’

  ‘What’s bothering you the most?’ Gem asked.

  I wanted to scream out, ‘He blows hot and cold. He’s moody one minute and sweet the next. He didn’t choose to tell me he was struggling with his grief or with his arsehole of a dad. He failed to tell me he was taking antidepressants and he handled it all a bit too roughly, resulting in a bump the size of a sugar lump on the back of my head!’ I didn’t. Instead, I replied, ‘He said that if I’d been with other men, I’d know that watching porn was normal and my reaction had made him feel abnormal.’

  Silence.

  ‘Well, he’s right. Men and women enjoy porn
. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,’ Gem said.

  I winced at Gem’s words. ‘It’s not that. I’m not bothered about him watching porn. I don’t know. I just can’t shake the feeling that he needed porn to get himself in the mood rather than waiting for me to arrive on his doorstep.’

  There was so much more I could have said, but I couldn’t begin to find the words that would give justice to what I was really thinking. I wasn’t completely sure I knew myself. Their collective groans killed my thoughtful silence. I laughed as Gem smacked the palm of her hand to her forehead and dragged it down the side of her face.

  ‘Elle, you’re a beautiful girl but your self-esteem is shot. You’ve always doubted yourself and I think this is a classic case of Elle Overanalyses Everything Syndrome. Gem had me cornered. ‘He was horny but you weren’t there, so he watched a bit of porn to keep himself amused for the afternoon. Big deal. He jumped your bones the minute you walked in because he wanted you. You, my friend, just walked away from a night of mind blowing sex.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes really. Listen to me. Don’t take things so seriously, OK? This is all so new to you. You’re going to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Stop thinking and stop over analysing. Just enjoy.’

  ‘This is the last thing you need. Sorry. How are things with you?’ I asked.

  ‘Meh. He’s being difficult about everything, mainly contact with the boys. He wants them every weekend, but I’ve said no fucking way. He tantrums better than Theo. I’m seriously beginning to question my taste in men but apart from that, everything’s great.’

  She laughed, but I saw the hurt she was trying to bury under the smile.

  ‘I’ll come over one night and watch the kids. You can take a nice bath or do something just for you.’

  ‘Love you, Elle.’

  Later, I decided I needed to meet Luke head on, which was how I found myself standing outside his front door on Sunday afternoon. I’d cancelled on mum, promising her that we would catch up through the week and I would treat her to dinner at her favourite restaurant.

  He held me so hard in his arms I didn’t think he was ever going let me go.

  He looked tired.

  ‘Elle, is there something you want to say?’ He smiled as he placed his hand on my knee, trying to stop the skittish movements.

  ‘Is it wrong that after everything that’s happened, I still want you?’ I whispered, leaning into his neck.

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t want to jump on you the minute you arrive,’ he teased as I felt the edges of his mouth creep into a smile on my cheek.

  ‘I’m sorry I overreacted. I shouldn’t have done that. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. The Elle I want to keep hidden from you came sneaking out.’

  ‘I get that. I really do. I try to hide bits of myself from you too, but it gets hard to do that. I’m afraid you’ll run if I keep showing you that side of me.’

  I sighed deeply, appreciating his honesty but fearing what his statement ultimately meant for us.

  ‘I know you think it was the porn that made me horny, but it was you. It’s always you,’ he said as he splayed his fingers through my hair, causing me to flinch in pain. ‘What is it?’ he asked as his finger traced the lump on the back of my head. ‘Shit,’ he gasped. ‘I’m so sorry. I just…I’ve never…fuck! I’m sorry.’ He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. I stood and offered my hand, leading us upstairs to his bedroom where he proved to me he didn’t need porn to get in the mood to fuck me. Twice.

  I wasn’t prepared for the speedy arrival of a new working week. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep Monday into Friday. Winter had well and truly settled. Three quarter length sleeves and light jackets had made way for scarves and coats to keep out the December chill.

  Checking my diary as I quickly dried my hair, I was reminded that I was due to attend training for most of the morning. I had signed up for a course on self-harm after working with a young woman called Siobhan who hurt herself to release the pain of her experience of sexual abuse.

  The course was held in an old school building on the outskirts of the city. It was practically falling down and parts had been demolished. Despite it being a total health and safety nightmare, there was an old charm about the place that I loved. I had trained there, so it held fond memories for me. My roots were firmly planted in the grounds and returning always made me reminisce. This time, the memories that swirled around my head centred on Luke and our early platonic relationship.

  How times could change.

  As I entered the building, sights and sounds overwhelmed me. Everywhere I turned, a memory was triggered. I swept my fingertips across the deep stained wood of the old reception desk and closed my eyes to steady myself.

  A voice pulled me out of my daydream. ‘Good morning! If you want to sign in and make yourself a coffee before we start.’ I smiled and followed the voice into the training room, signing my name on the attendance sheet and grabbing myself a cup of coffee. I recognised some faces but one face in particular stood out.

  Emma Shrine. Luke’s ex-girlfriend. Colin’s niece.

  She waved and smiled tentatively as she continued talking to a small group of colleagues. I had chosen a seat across the room in the hope that I could avoid her and make a quick exit when the training finished, but during the morning coffee break when I slipped outside to check my messages, there was no escape.

  ‘Elle, isn’t it?’

  Emma was strikingly beautiful. Her long brown hair fell in waves down to the bottom of her back. She was dressed in a sharp black trouser suit and black patent heels. A silver charm bracelet caught the light and twinkled sharply as it dangled from her delicate wrist.

  ‘You probably don’t remember me. I’m Emma. I’m in Andrea’s team,’ she said as she held out her hand. ‘We share a common interest. Luke Simms.’

  I could feel my throat tighten. What did you say to the woman that your boyfriend effectively dumped so that he could start a new relationship with you?

  Hi, so glad you were dumped. Now I get to ride him like a horse. Sorry for your loss.

  I returned the handshake and she offered me a small smile.

  ‘Can I have a minute of your time? I really think you’ll want to hear what I have to tell you; for your own sake,’ she said as she took a seat beside me.

  Her words sparked my interest, but accompanying that interest was an intense feeling of dread.

  ‘I know I’m going to come off as the scorned ex-lover, but it’s really not like that.’ I swallowed hard at the ex-lover comment and turned my body towards her. ‘I want to warn you about Luke,’ she said. I nodded in a gesture that conveyed I needed to hear more. ‘He’s been contacting me.’

  Oh God, this was it. Reality. This was how it was all going to end. My relationship was going to come crashing down around me in the next few minutes. I bit the inside of my mouth as she told me that Luke had broken off their relationship by giving her the familiar spiel of how he didn’t feel they had a future together.

  ‘He basically told me he couldn’t see himself in another long-term relationship after he had been so badly let down before. He warned me that he would hurt me but he didn’t want to do that, so I accepted he wasn’t ready for a relationship.’ I dropped my head and tried to focus. ‘Does this story sound familiar to you? Did he tell you the same thing? Did he put on the poor damaged Luke act? So gallant of him to warn you that he would hurt you in the long run.’ I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head in an attempt to stop the inevitable tears. ‘Luke has made his way around all the teams. You’re not the first to be taken in by his sob story, and you certainly won’t be the last.’

  I turned my body away from her and repeatedly smoothed down my skirt, trying desperately to cling on to my already shredded composure. ‘I can’t change his past. I know he’s experienced. He’s been honest with me.’

  She let out a single, bitter laugh. ‘He doesn’t know how to
be honest. Tell me, were you with him the day of Halloween?’ I felt myself start to shake from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes as memories of that day flooded my mind.

  No, I wasn’t with him. I walked in on him watching porn.

  ‘You don’t need to answer. I already know. He was texting me all afternoon.’ Her eyes told me more than her words. Sounds filled my ears. My thoughts twisted as I desperately tried not to fall apart in front of her. ‘I knew he couldn’t have been with you because his texts were very suggestive. It was clear he wanted me to reciprocate the conversation and where he wanted it to lead.’ Familiar feelings of embarrassment and humiliation started pulsing through my veins. How could I have been so stupid? ‘I shut him down and the texts stopped for a while. There’ve been a few more that I’ve ignored, but you need to know what he’s really like. If I’d replied to him, who knows what he would have done? I just wanted to warn you. I’ve seen the destruction he leaves behind when he moves on. Move on before he does. It’ll be better for you in the long run.’

  ‘Can I see them?’ I asked quietly as I studied my clasped hands on my knee.

  ‘Of course.’ She picked her bag up and started rummaging around. The rummaging turned into taking items out, and taking items out turned into tipping her bag upside down on her lap. ‘I must have left it inside. Hold on.’ She stood and walked quickly back inside the building.

  My hands were still clasped across my knees. I didn’t move. I simply concentrated on keeping the shakes away and regulating my chest, which was pumping up and down in complete sync with the precarious beats of my heart. I felt like I had just come up for air, and not after emerging from a beautiful lake or seashore, but from a paddling pool that had been lying in the garage for years and was now mouldy and filled with spiders.

  ‘I can’t believe this. I must have left my phone at home. I have my work phone but not my personal. I’m sorry. I look a fool now,’ she said slightly redder in the face than before.