‘You don’t know him.’
‘I know he doesn’t deserve you. I know he doesn’t deserve the sweet girl in front of me who would do anything for anyone to the detriment of herself. Don’t let him hide the real Elle away. This isn’t you. He’s taken you away. Can’t you see that?’
The words echoed in my head, the reality of them refuelling the tears.
Kate kissed my forehead. ‘Relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard. They should be wonderful, thrilling, and exciting. If you don’t feel that way, it’s time to move on.’
‘Do you think he loves you?’ asked Gem. ‘Has he said it to you?’
‘No,’ I said in a whisper, shaking my head slowly.
‘Do you love him?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Stop trying to rescue him, Elle. He’s past the point of rescuing,’ Gem said as she refilled my wine glass.
‘Elle Davis, can you believe in all this time, after all of these major life events, we’ve let them pass without acknowledging the soundtrack of our lives?’ Abi clunked her wine glass against mine with such force I thought it was going to shatter into tiny pieces causing me to cut my foot, or hopefully a major artery. I smiled as I imagined the headline in the local paper: Wine Glass Kills Local Social Worker. Fitting title considering I had drunk so much wine in the last couple of hours that if I were to drop down dead, my body would be pickled and preserved for the next twenty years.
‘Abi, I’m not in the mood. I can’t think about what I’m going to do tomorrow, let alone what song would cover this particular balls up of my life.’ She could be a quirky creature, but we did fit together perfectly. She was the whiskey for my Coke, the charger for my phone, the toothpaste for my toothbrush. We just got each other. I envied her don’t give two shits attitude.
I lived vicariously through Abi’s tales of one-night stands, partying, and no strings attached relationships.
In the early stages of our friendship, she had invented a game that we didn’t have the heart to drop as we got older. Soundtrack to our lives started as a joke but tapped into our love of music. Driving in the car or dancing on a Saturday night always resulted in discussions about our favourite music and lyrics. Indulging in solitary musical moments often led to us sharing earbuds.
‘Elle, really? We let it slip when you lost the big V, but I’m not letting it happen again. Soundtrack to our lives is ongoing. It will only stop when we’re six feet under. Tell me what song perfectly sums up this chapter in your life.’
We’ve all had those moments where we’ve turned on the radio or listened to a new album and immediately latched on to a song as ours. The aim of the game was to compile the soundtracks to go with the movies that were going to be made about our lives. The soundtracks would be ongoing and would catalogue all of our big life moments. Good or bad.
‘OK, I’ve thought. This one’s too easy. “Beautiful Disaster” by Kelly Clarkson.’
‘That didn’t take you long!’ Abi laughed as she rummaged through her bag to get her earphones. ‘I can’t say I’m familiar with that tune. Here,’ she said in a plum accent as she handed me the right earbud. We put them into our ears at the same time and Abi wrapped her arm around me, pulling me close as she searched for the song on her phone.
Familiar words filled our ears as the song I had played on a loop for the past few weeks flowed out. Throughout the space we shared, we turned to each other, raising our eyebrows or nodding fiercely when we agreed with the lyrics as a perfect way of describing Luke. The lyrics allowed the singer to wonder out loud. Throughout the song, she wonders if she can change him, or if she can only hold on to him by the lapels of his jacket, accepting all of his complications because she knows the good times are part of the journey too.
The song ended long before I realised we were still sitting huddled together with our arms wrapped tightly around each other. If I hadn’t have turned to face her when I did, I wouldn’t have noticed her quickly wiping a tear from her eye. I didn’t know if the tear was for me or for herself.
‘Shit. That song could have been written for him. Are you sure he didn’t fuck Kelly Clarkson over as well?’
From Abi’s comment, I knew then that I had to add ‘Beautiful Disaster’ to the soundtrack of my life. It was perfect.
After multiple glasses of wine, more straight talk, and plenty of attempts from my three best friends to get me laughing again, we decided the only way forward was more alcohol and a night on the town. The old me would have thought of a million and one excuses why going out on the town was the last thing I wanted to do. It would have been akin to having a pedicure after having ingrown toenails removed. Not pretty, not enjoyable, not happening. But I had changed. If anything good came out of my relationship with Luke, it was that the experience had taught me not to be afraid of grabbing opportunities with both hands. I wasn’t going to return to my stagnant life of before. I was going to take chances and not be afraid of where those chances would lead me.
Mum once told me I should find someone who wants me as much as I want them. She made the search for love sound so simple. Find them amongst the crowd, find them in the fog, find them in your dreams. But I didn’t think love was something you found. I thought it was something that found you. I didn’t find Luke. I orchestrated it. I chased, I pursued, I pestered, and I begged. I was still chasing, destined never to fully catch him.
Sometimes I just wanted someone to walk me to the waters edge, to hold my hand and make me feel free enough to dip my toe in the water. No! I wanted someone who made me want to walk in up to my middle and dive in headfirst. Once I felt that, I knew I could stop looking. But my search was still very much on.
‘We need to dance, we need tequila shots, and we need to find some cute guys to flirt with,’ Abi challenged as we walked towards the club that was going to be our playground for the night.
‘No flirting,’ I groaned, already regretting the bottle of wine I had consumed before even making it to the club.
‘Oh God, no.’ Gem shook her head.
‘Yes, you need to get some practice in!’ There are so many more men in the world for you to explore. Don’t assume all men are like Jay Brown and Luke Simms!’ Abi headed straight to the bar and ordered four tequilas. ‘Keep them coming!’ she shrieked. ‘One, two, three!’ We downed them in one go and I winced as I felt the sting of alcohol hit the back of my throat. I knew I was going to regret it in the morning, but I didn’t care. I was finally breaking free of the chains of our relationship. I was happy and the alcohol was quickly working on lowering my inhibitions until all I wanted to do was dance.
I wasn’t thinking of anyone or anything as I moved my body to the rhythm of the music. Nothing else mattered. The music pumped through me and overtook my thoughts so much that I wanted to stay in the moment and just allow myself to feel my way through it. I watched Abi, Gem and Kate as they swayed and lip-synched to the music, closing their eyes and raising their arms in the air, totally letting themselves go. God, I had missed this.
I felt the heat of a body moving around behind me. I instinctively moved away from a guy who was getting uncomfortably close to me. He smiled, but I returned the death stare, my signature move before Luke.
Old habits really do die hard.
As I tried to find familiar faces in the crowd, a figure standing by the bar grabbed my attention. ‘Bugger! What’s he doing here?’ Abi asked. ‘Way to kill the girls only night.’ She smiled as I turned to her, turning my back on Luke, who was standing at the bar. ‘That letch Martin is with him too.’ I watched her face drop before she started to pull me away into the crowd.
‘What’s wrong?’ She didn’t respond. Instead, she tried to pull me by putting her hand through my arm. I turned back to see Luke and a woman with red hair.
As she leant in to whisper into his ear, his hand wrapped around her waist and slowly worked its way down to her arse, where it appeared to have parked itself for the night. ‘What.is.he.doing?’ I stuttere
d as Abi tried desperately to pull me further away.
‘Elle, let’s go,’ she said, frantically pushing and pulling me away.
‘No! What the hell is he doing?’ My chest was heaving and contracting. The air in the club turned, stifling me as I continued to watch the redhead put her hands on his chest. It was an intimate gesture and there was no attempt by him to push her away. Anger overtook rational thought as I wrenched my elbow out of Abi’s grasp, pushing my way through the crowd towards him. I faintly heard her shouting my name, but all I was focused on was getting to him.
As he saw me approach, his face had exactly the same shocked expression as Abi’s had a moment before when she saw him with his hands all over the redhead with the fantastic legs that he had just forcefully pushed away.
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked. His eyes were wide and full of panic as he tried to pull me in for a hug.
‘Who’s this?’ The redhead wined as she pressed her lips together and pushed her arm through his.
‘I was his girlfriend. You don’t need to tell me who you are. You’re the redhead with the fantastic legs,’ I spat through gritted teeth, my eyes never leaving his.
‘Don’t be a fucking child. It doesn’t suit you,’ he sneered as he pulled away from her and stepped closer to me.
‘Fuck you!’
Redhead turned on him. ‘Girlfriend? You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend!’ She screwed her face up in disgust and pushed her hands against his chest, causing him to fall backwards as she turned away and disappeared into the crowd and leaving us to pick up the pieces.
‘This isn’t what it looks like,’ he said as he pushed his hand out in front of me.
‘Isn’t it?’
‘We work together. I told you; she’s new.’
‘You didn’t think to tell her about me before putting your hands all over her?’
Silence.
Arsehole.
‘Elle, don’t make a scene, sweetheart.’ Martin reached out to me, but I knocked his hand away.
‘Don’t touch me!’ I yelled as he put his hands up in defeat. ‘Go and steal a garden chair, or something equally dickish.’
‘Elle!’ Luke scolded as Martin smirked his way back to the crowd of people who were enjoying the view of my very public meltdown. Gem and Kate had joined Abi, who was trying desperately to pull me away as I started shouting and pushing and generally losing my shit until he was cornered at the bar.
‘Leave her the fuck alone,’ Abi shouted. ‘Come on, Elle. He isn’t worth it.’
‘Let’s go, come on.’ Kate was standing in front of me trying to direct me away.
‘Congratulations! You’ve got your wish!’ I said, poking him in his chest.
‘What are you talking about? I thought we were over. That’s what you wanted.’
‘Oh, we are! You can fuck the redhead tonight. Unless you’ve already done it!’ Picking up the pint of beer he had left on the side of the bar, I saw my opportunity and ran with it. ‘Hope she was worth it,’ I said as I poured the contents of the glass over his head.
‘Shit!’ he cried as the beer flowed over him like a cold shower, dripping down his shoulders and settling around his feet like a puddle.
My girls carried me out of the club, laughing and high-fiving each other, clearly pleased that I had found the balls to humiliate him so publicly. I was in a daze. The cold air wrapped itself around me, sobering me in seconds. After dropping the glass and watching it smash into pieces on the ground, Abi tore into Luke. I vaguely remember the words twatty bollocks and cheating bastard featuring heavily in her tirade.
‘Elle, let’s go.’ Abi tried to move me, but I knew who was behind me without even having to turn around. I could feel the anger radiating off him as he followed me outside the club.
‘Fucking hell! What do you think you’re playing at?’ he shouted, still wiping the beer out of his eyes and shaking it out of his hair.
‘What am I playing at? Oh God, not this again.’ I turned to face him. ‘Let’s turn this around on me. I’m the idiot here! Not good old Luke!’ I shouted. ‘You were all over her! What was I supposed to think?’
‘You don’t think. That’s the problem. You jump to conclusions and paint me as the bad guy. I’m sick of your bullshit. You’re too fucking mardy.’
‘So, she’s next in line? Have you told her how messed up you are and that you’ll only hurt her? That you can’t give her what she wants? Just a few fucks before she gets clingy and causes your skin to itch like I did?’ Flashes of the night filled my vision and saturated my senses. Pain. Humiliation. My feet were stinging. My stomach was knotting in sympathy. I needed an escape.
‘I can’t do this anymore.’ The look on his face was impassive.
‘If you walk away now, we’re done. No going back,’ I said, waiting for his response.
He dropped his head and stared at the ground in defeat. My heart broke into pieces as reality finally hit me. We were over. There was no going back from this. And the worst thing? He didn’t even care.
When we returned to Gem’s we continued drinking, opening the hard-core gin and vodka long forgotten at the back of Gem’s kitchen cupboards. I think we were all trying to drink ourselves into oblivion and drown out our own individual stories of heartbreak, if only for one night.
Chapter Twenty-Five
It was the morning after the night before.
My head was thumping and my eyes were red. I didn’t sleep well because I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing his hands on the curve of Redhead’s arse or the look on his face as we argued outside the club.
I had woken up to the sounds of laughter and children’s television. Gem was in full mummy mode but looked like shit. I idolised and pitied her all at the same time. ‘Morning.’ Gem’s face was a mixture of pain and condolence. I instantly hated that face because that face meant I hadn’t dreamt the horror of last night.
‘Morning. How are you doing?’ she asked quietly, holding her hangover together. Just.
‘If I could stand the light in my eyes, I would feel like death. As it happens, death would be a welcome relief. I’m worse than death.’
‘That bad?’
‘That bad.’
‘Welcome to the pain of heartbreak. It’s a bitch.’ Gem passed me a coffee and kissed my head.
Abi was the next person to drag herself into Gem’s kitchen. She was wearing dark sunglasses, each lens the size of a large pizza. ‘Don’t speak. I need to retrieve my senses before partaking in the conversation we need to have this morning.’ Her statement made my stomach roll. ‘But first, I need coffee.’
We were silent and had been for a while by the time Kate joined us at the table. ‘Please, keep the noise down. My head is killing me.’ I couldn’t help but laugh at her. ‘I wasn’t expecting to hear laughter come from your mouth this morning. That’s a good sign,’ she said, squeezing my shoulder with her hand. That gesture was so comforting. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve friends like these after the way I had treated them over the last few months.
‘What’s the plan?’ Abi asked.
I sighed and checked my phone. ‘He hasn’t even tried to contact me.’
Abi slowly raised her glasses then quickly put them down again. She was clearly in full Bette Davis mode. ‘You don’t want to hear from him. The guy is a lowlife. He’s a cheating, redhead fucking clunge hobbit!’
‘Watch your mouth! I have impressionable young ears in the other room,’ Gem snapped.
‘Do you think he was cheating?’ Kate asked.
I really didn’t know the answer to that question. I thought back to the day Emma told me he had been sexting her. He had furiously denied it, but now I wasn’t so sure I believed him. ‘I don’t think I know him anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.’
‘Someday, you’ll be everything to someone,’ Abi said as she added three sugars to her coffee. ‘Blimey, even the noise of the spoon stirring my coffee is like standing next to the speakers a
t a rock concert. Oh My God! My brain is a magical thing. We need a soundtrack of your life update!’ I laughed at the transition from hung-over Abi to excited Abi.
‘I’ve been thinking about it actually. “Send My Love to Your New Lover” by Adele,’ I replied.
‘She’s making jokes, ladies. We’re definitely witnessing some early stage progress.’
Several days passed since the incident at the nightclub. Luke hadn’t been in touch. The guy had major skills in burying his head in the sand and ignoring problems. He had done the same to me in the early stages of our relationship. It drove me crazy then, but now I was infuriated, raging, and resentful. I did try to reach out to him, against the advice of the girls. But he ignored my phone calls and text messages. I didn’t work up the courage to go to his house. I wasn’t sure how I would react when I saw him, and I definitely didn’t trust my inner bunny boiler if Redhead answered the door, but it definitely felt like there was so much left unsaid.
Did past lovers stay friends? Was that even possible? Or was it just part of my naïvety and my reluctance to admit I would no longer be part of his life? Maybe it was easier to imagine we could be friends, as that meant I wouldn’t have to let him go completely.
Abi, Gem and Kate rallied round me. I had never received as many texts, checkin phone calls, or invites for nights out. They restocked the chocolate and crisps in the emergency break-up kit that I kept in my car. It used to contain wine and cigarettes, but Gem went through those when we were sitting in the car park of her husband’s restaurant before finding him in a compromising position.
When I looked back over the last few weeks, it was inevitable that our relationship was going to end. Two people had to make a relationship work, but I had been holding us up on my own for too long and the exertion was threatening to pull me over.
Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1) Page 16