His unwritten rules of dating suffocated his ability to enjoy the good times. I knew he would always be broken, but the realisation still saddened me. Luke was content to just sit back and let life happen around him, taking advantage of situations that happened to come his way, including women. I wasn’t happy to watch life pass me by like scenes through a train window. I may have allowed myself to do that previously, but it hadn’t made me happy. I couldn’t waste my life waiting for opportunities. Opportunities have to be made.
I did finally receive an answer to my text messages. It came two weeks after I’d emptied the contents of the beer glass over his head.
Luke: I don’t regret our time together. I hope you don’t either.
I didn’t reply.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Life was slowly getting back to normal. I didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing for me. My mission to find myself a boyfriend had blown up in my face. I was back to square one. Twenty-four years old, single, and living with my parents. The only step forward had been losing my virginity, but that had created another blow. I was now dealing with missing sex. Abi always said that once I got a taste, I wouldn’t be able to live my life without it. I even thought about texting Luke and offering him his ideal relationship: sex with no strings attached. But then I heard he was seeing the redhead from that infamous night at the club, so I started to wallow in self-pity again.
Work was a pure distraction for me. I found myself staying late and arranging appointments in the early evening. Anything to keep my mind active and away from thoughts of Luke Simms. This survival tactic hadn’t gone unnoticed by Abi and Kate, and I knew it was only a matter of time before they gave me their opinions on my self-punishment. It happened sooner than I thought.
‘No late appointments tonight. We need to catch up. Don’t think we aren’t on to you. You need to stop using work to drown out memories of Luke,’ Kate said.
I knew she was right. ‘OK, let’s catch up later.’ She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. ‘I promise.’
‘Tell me how you’re really feeling. No holding back.’
‘I was stuck between missing him and hating him, but that didn’t last. Now I’m weighing up the whole I really wish him all the best and I feel sorry for him bollocks. Not pretty.’
‘Ouch!’
‘I’m fine, honestly. I’ve got some appointments this afternoon, but I promise I’ll be back before five. We can meet for a drink after that.’
I grabbed my bag and headed out.
Returning to the office, I felt restless. I had visited Dani and her mother, who were struggling. Dani was behaving like a typical teenager, rebelling furiously. That wouldn’t have usually concerned me if it weren’t so out of character for her.
Turning into the car park, I felt my stomach drop as I spotted Luke leaning against his car. His eyes fixed on mine as I pulled into the space next to him. I pretended to fiddle around with the gearstick, deciding that today was the day it was going to start causing me some problems, so I simply must avoid all eye contact with my ex-lover and stare intently at the mechanics of my car. What did he think he was doing? I hadn’t seen him for over a month, not since he uttered those last words to me. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
The gearstick let me down. It just didn’t appear broken enough for me to deflect enough time to avoid him. So, I decided to approach it as an adult. I could fake my way through most grown up interactions pretty successfully, but as I got out of the car, I failed spectacularly and pretended I hadn’t seen him.
It felt good to ignore him and finally have the upper hand. Sadly, that all fell out of place when he spoke.
‘Elle, can we talk?’
‘Really?’ I said, shaking my head. ‘You want to do this here? At work? When you didn’t even have the decency to return my calls or texts?’ I pulled my bag out of the car and slung it over my shoulder in frustration. He followed me as I walked towards my building.
‘Please. I just want to talk,’ he said softly.
‘Go away. There’s nothing left to say.’
‘Jesus. Don’t hate me. I can’t stand the thought of you hating me.’
I stopped but didn’t turn around to face him. His words were like a bullet that had been fired into my chest. I didn’t think I would ever get over the indifference he showed towards me that night. I was finally starting to get myself together again and—fuck—he shows up telling me he can’t stand the thought of me hating him. I shook my head at the irony of the situation. ‘I don’t hate you. I feel sorry for you.’
‘That’s even worse than hate,’ he attempted to laugh but it sounded bitter and broken. I finally summoned up the courage to look into his eyes. He looked handsome but dishevelled, familiar yet distant. He obviously hadn’t shaved for a few days and his shirt was creased. The Luke Simms public mask was slipping. His appearance matched the inner turmoil that he tried so desperately to hide from the world.
‘You’ve got ten minutes, then I need to go inside.’
He followed me to a small garden area at the side of the building. It was developed a couple of years ago to provide a tranquil space for social workers to reflect and unwind after a heavy day, but as far as I was aware, they only used it to try to get a phone signal or for a quick cigarette break. We were both silent for a few minutes. He stayed staring at the ground as I took fleeting side glimpses, trying to read the expression on his face. He gave me nothing.
‘How have you been?’ he muttered. ‘I saw Abi today. She told me to stay away from you and if I don’t, she’ll cut off my left testicle with a blunt razor. I’m going to be sleeping with one eye open from now on.’
I tried to hide my smile but failed. ‘You should have listened to her advice and stayed away. She never jokes about testicles.’
He sat forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands under his chin, away from curious eyes and away from me. ‘I miss you. I’ve realised since we’ve been apart how much I love you.’ His words were muffled, but I hadn’t misheard. I finally heard him say the words I had been longing for, but they came far too late.
‘Elle?’ I looked towards the soft female voice to find Kate standing directly in front of us. ‘Are you OK?’ She kept some distance, but I could still see the concerned frown on her face. I nodded, prompting her to start walking backwards. ‘Don’t forget our catch up after work.’
‘I’ll be there.’
‘I should let you go. Your friends must hate me.’
‘Why did you come here?’ I was still completely baffled.
‘I needed to see you.’
‘Why now?’
‘I fucked up. I thought we could make something together. I was falling for you, but I fucked up.’
His words made sense. But the more thought I gave to them, the more I realised that they belonged in Luke’s hopeful imagination. I didn’t doubt that he had feelings for me. I could clearly remember his need and desire, but I also remembered the side that pushed me away when things became too heavy. He didn’t know what he wanted. He liked the glimpses of the exceptional, but I didn’t ever see him being in a position where he would be able to maintain that. He would push the self-destruct button repeatedly. Could I go back to living my life so unbalanced, unsettled, and precarious? The answer hurt to admit, but I had to be true to myself. I still wanted the fairy-tale, and Luke couldn’t give that to me.
‘It’s too late,’ I sighed. ‘We can’t move forward from this.’
‘She means nothing to me. It’s you I want. It’s always been you,’ he said urgently. I could feel him shaking as I touched his hand, which revealed to me exactly how hard it had been for him to come and see me. I took a deep breath as I watched him shake his head defiantly, but the way he started running his hands through his hair betrayed his defiance and reflected the more accurate dance of nerves flowing through him. ‘We can make it work. I can only do it with you. I’ll change.’
I wiped the tears from my eyes and angrily threw
back the words he’d said to me on the disastrous night over a month ago. ‘No. I’m sorry but I can’t do it anymore.’ I battled with myself to stop offering him some comfort and welcomed the light breeze in my hair as I tried to ignore his attempts to break down my resolve. He sat with his hands on his forehead and didn’t move when I pressed a light kiss to the top of his head, holding in more of myself as I started walking away.
‘Elle?’ He stood and moved his hands behind his head. ‘I’m sorry I made it so hard for you to love me.’
I finally gave in to my tears as I entered the building, quietly sobbing. I didn’t turn around or reply to him. I couldn’t. Luke didn’t deserve my anger or upset. He was a broken man, destined to move from one disaster to the next. He would always be my beautiful disaster. I couldn’t put myself through it anymore, and I certainly couldn’t watch as he slowly destroyed himself.
I always kept to my strict timekeeping rule, but everyone else usually had a lackadaisical approach. Tonight was a first. There was no waiting around outside in the rain catching pneumonia, no trying to appear nonchalant as I sat at a table by myself, no text messages from Abi telling me she was on her way when I knew she was still shaving her legs. They were all door watching. Waiting for me.
‘I was so shocked to see you there with him. I didn’t know what to think,’ Kate said as she took a sip from her cocktail.
‘I fucking told him to stay away. I swear I was ready to kill him.’ Abi swirled the bright pink liquid in her glass.
‘That smells like nail varnish remover,’ I grimaced. ‘I’ll have two.’ My grimace turned into a teasing smile as I held up my thumb. Kate bounced over to the bar, her dress swayed, barely covering the pale pink boy shorts under her white broderie skirt. We were in the infant phase of one of those nights. ‘He told me you threatened to cut off his testicles with a blunt razor.’
‘Didn’t keep him away, though, did it? What a prick. I can’t believe he did that after all this time.’
You could hear a pin drop when I recounted the events of the afternoon. Their jaws dropped open when I told them he wanted to give it another go but that I had told him no. Their jaws hit the table when I told them he had declared his love for me.
‘I’m so proud of you. You deserve more.’ Kate smiled as she clinked her cocktail glass with mine.
I was starting to believe that she was right.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Abi: Don’t blow us out tonight. I feel like you’ve emigrated to Australia!
Me: That’s a bit strong, isn’t it? We’ve had more phone contact recently than we usually have in a month
I added a smiley face just to make her hackles rise.
Abi: I know being annoying is your default setting, but let’s not push it. Tonight. 9 p.m. I will personally come and get you if you’re not here by four minutes past.
We hadn’t been out to a club since the night my relationship ended with Luke almost three months ago. For the first few weeks, I had chosen the weaker option of spending each night crying under my duvet and eating a Chocolate Orange until all that was left was the shiny paper and a few flakes of chocolate. Things were so bad one particular night that I licked them straight off the foil with one swoop of my tongue. Urgh.
‘Cocktails tonight, ladies! That’s the rule. Every drink needs to be neon and contain some kind of fruit,’ Abi said, bumping her shoulder into mine as we sat on the tram heading into town.
‘Fruit? Is that to offset the calories they contain?’ Kate laughed as she stuck her foot on the seat between us and proceeded to inelegantly hawk up her tights where they had wrinkled around her ankles.
‘Think of it this way. We never have time to eat our lunch anyway, so we’re making up for calories.’ Abi smiled as we laughed at the dry wit she never failed to pull out of the bag. ‘I nearly forgot! I have presents for all of us! They caught my eye next to the condoms.’ She rummaged through her shoulder bag and pulled out three small purple organza bags.
‘If they caught your eye next to the condoms, I dread to think what’s in these bags,’ I replied with a frown.
Sure enough, we each pulled out a vibrating cock ring.
‘Pleasure for her and for him,’ she said.
‘What a thoughtful gift, thanks,’ Kate deadpanned.
‘Yeah. Maybe I can use it as a teething toy for Brandon,’ Gem replied, rolling her eyes in amusement.
‘Well, I won’t be using this tonight,’ I replied mockingly.
‘Oh my God! Such spoilsports. How did I become friends with prudes you like you?’ she said before spotting a guy sporting a beard so big we couldn’t quite decide if he was attractive or not. She reached over and tapped the ironic hipster on the shoulder, forcing him to pull out an earbud and smile.
‘My friends didn’t appreciate their gifts, so I’m offering it to you.’ She held out a cock ring and winked. ‘Hope you have a great evening.’ She smiled dirtily before he fiddled with his bowtie and moved to the opposite end of the tram.
I hadn’t laughed so hard in weeks.
We made our way to one of our favourite clubs and danced until the need for alcohol became too hard to ignore. My feet were aching, so I grabbed an empty booth to relieve the pain before the dance floor called us back. I was hot and sweaty, and both of my thighs were sticking to the red imitation leather seats.
Abi was gyrating her hips into the groin of a man who looked very pleased to see her while Kate and Gem were at the bar ordering another round of cocktails. I didn’t mind watching the crowds of people dancing and losing themselves in the heat of the club, but I was acutely aware that being on my own made me a target.
‘What’s a beautiful girl like you doing sitting all alone?’ I smiled but avoided eye contact in the hope that the man standing at the side of me would get the message and go away. ‘Hey, can I keep you company?’
‘Oh no, I’m not alone. Well, I’m alone at the moment while my friends are getting drinks,’ I replied politely, pointing over to Gem and Kate at the bar. He leant his arm along the back of the booth, sloshing his beer across my back in the process.
‘You want a drink?’
‘No, my friends are getting me one. Remember?’ I said sarcastically, noticing that he was kind of handsome if I squinted my eyes.
‘I don’t want to sit if I’m not wanted.’ He shrugged, encouraging more beer to escape from his glass down my arm. I brushed the cold liquid from my skin and arched my neck to look over the top of the bobbing heads on the dance floor towards Abi. She smiled and stuck her thumbs up in congratulations. I pressed my lips together and cocked my head in annoyance, particularly when I saw that Gem and Kate had moved to another table and were smiling in encouragement every time I caught their amused glances.
‘I’m new to this chatting up stuff. I was dumped recently. She said I was too needy. Is that a bad thing?’
‘Can be.’
‘Fuck. OK. Thanks,’ he said, pulling at his eye, stretching the lid with his fingers and yawning.
‘Tired?’ I asked in disbelief at the bizarre situation I had found myself in.
‘Not been sleeping well. Heartbreak will do that to you.’
‘Can I offer you some advice? If you’re going to use being heartbroken as a chat up line, I think you need to review your game plan.’
‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ His eyes shot to the ceiling before he dipped his head and clasped his hands together instinctively.
‘Sometimes it’s easier to look into the fishbowl than to look out,’ I smiled.
‘You should be an adviser for sad singles.’
‘I like to offer advice in areas where I have some expertise.’
‘Fellow dumpee?’ he asked. I smiled, as I had neither the breath nor the voice to answer convincingly enough. ‘It’s hard, isn’t it? So much to get right.’ He blinked his eyes and held them still for a second. His hand covered his wobbling lip, and his nostrils flared as he held everything back.
‘Ho
w long were you together?’
‘Two days,’ he replied as I moved to the other side to allow him to sit down beside me. He kept his distance. I wanted to applaud his skills of avoiding invading my personal space, but then his words sunk in and I turned to him in shock. ‘Joking,’ he laughed. It was the first time I’d noticed his kind smile. ‘We were together two years. I really thought she was the one. We lived together and have joint custody of a dwarf hamster. She doesn’t allow contact though. That’s tough.’
I wasn’t sure if he was being serious, so I chose to let the comment rest between us for a few seconds. ‘Pets, huh? Serious stuff,’ I said, bobbing my head slowly when he didn’t back up the statement with a laugh. ‘Let’s move on, shall we? Don’t want to upset you.’
‘Thanks.’ He gruffed out a rough noise from the back of his throat, swallowed a single sob, and rubbed his neck ferociously. ‘How long have you been single?’ he asked, beautifully pushing the focus from him to me.
‘Two, nearly three months.’
‘You ready to move on?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. It took a lot to get me dating in the first place. I’m not sure I can go through it all again.’
‘Well, how about going on a date with me?’
I suddenly became very aware that my breathing was shaky, like taking in air just didn’t come naturally to me. I studied his face. He was attractive in a quiet way. His hair was brown with a slight tone of auburn, only apparent under the lights. Freckles dusted his nose and cheeks. I liked his voice. I liked his friendly smile and calm nature, but the early spark of something with the potential to grow and multiply just wasn’t there. I squeezed my mouth closed and tightened my eyes in thought of what I was going to say to him. Truthfully, I wanted to make a hasty exit and just sit on my own where there were no demands, terrifying social cues, or expectations. Sometimes I hated feeling like I was expected to behave in a certain way, say the right thing, or offer parts of myself I wanted to keep just for me.
Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1) Page 17