Let Me Be Your First (Music and Letters #1)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘What happened?’ I asked as my eyes took in the bruises to her face and arms.

  ‘I told him I was leaving this morning. I can’t take it anymore. He didn’t like it, so he got a bit happy with his fists.’ She pulled up her t-shirt to reveal a large bruise running across her stomach, hip and lower back. ‘Lovely, isn’t it?’ She finally gave me eye contact, but it was fleeting and full of angst.

  ‘Mrs Bramall—’

  ‘Call me Kim,’ she said, cutting me off.

  ‘Kim, where is he now?’ I asked. She laughed once and shrugged her shoulders. ‘What happened to your neck?’

  She looked down to the ground. ‘I’m lucky to just get away with that. He said he was going to kill me.’ I watched the sorrow move across her face. She must only have been a few years older than me, but she looked haggard, life weary, and tired. The trauma of the life she had led so far played out on her face. She had nicotine stained fingers and teeth, and her eyes were bloodshot from either crying or fighting. I wasn’t sure which.

  I felt despondent knowing that she had only stayed with her husband because she felt she had nowhere else to go and couldn’t face leaving her children. She had never reached out for help before. I remembered a home visit where I had managed to get some time alone with her to talk about her options—women’s shelters, family shelters, staying with friends or family. She said she didn’t have anyone to help her, so I’d arranged a shelter far away for her and the three kids but she backed out at the last minute, pleading with me on the phone never to mention it to her husband. I wouldn’t have done that, of course, but her fear dictated her every move.

  ‘I really would advise you to go to the Police. You need to get a restraining order against him. He’s threatened to kill you. You need to think of the kids. This is no life for them. I’ll help you as much as I can, but at the end of the day, I’m their social worker, not yours. If I feel they’re in danger, I will have to act on that,’ I said as calmly as possible.

  ‘Fuck you!’ she shouted as she stood up. ‘I was going to trust you, but all you want to do is take my kids away from me!’

  I held my hand out in front of me indicating that I just wanted to talk. I wouldn’t force her to do anything. ‘No, Kim, I want to help you. Just listen to me. If you got a restraining order, he wouldn’t be allowed near the house. You can stay here with the kids. We’ll support you.’

  ‘It’s that easy, is it? You think he gives two shits about a restraining order? You think that’ll stop him coming here?’ She lit another roll up and walked round to the back of the house. The garden was littered with remnants of wood. Bed frames I think. They looked suspiciously like the beds we had purchased for the kids a few weeks ago when I discovered they were sharing a mattress on the living room floor. There were bags of rubbish stacked across the grass, and a cowering and whimpering Staffordshire bull terrier was tied to an old washing line post.

  ‘I can take you to the police station now. We can go in the car and be back by the time the kids come out of school,’ I said, walking past dog excrement and cigarette butts.

  ‘What if he comes here?’ she whispered.

  ‘You call the police and he gets arrested for breaching the order.’

  ‘What the fuck are you telling her?’ I looked over my shoulder and saw Mr Bramall standing behind me. Scratches and cuts covered his face. She must have given one hell of a fight. A love bite on the side of his neck perfectly highlighted their relationship—screaming and fighting one minute and loving each other passionately the next. ‘I said, what the fuck are you telling her?’ he repeated, glaring at me from his position at the side of the house.

  ‘She’s telling me I’m going to lose the kids if I stay with you.’ My stomach dropped at Kim’s choice of words.

  Mr Bramall took a step towards me, rage covering his face. The dog behind me started to bark, making my body jump. My phone rang in my pocket, but as I reached to take the call, I felt the coldness of a sharp blade being held against my neck.

  ‘Answer the phone and you’re dead,’ he spat.

  The phone rang off. I imagined Colin sitting in the office puzzled that I hadn’t answered. Would he take that as his cue to alert the police?

  ‘Do you think I’m stupid, little girl? You think you can come here and tell my wife to leave me and take my kids? Meddling bitch.’ He pushed the blade further into my neck and wrapped his thick arm around me, jerking me towards his body. The smell of alcohol and stale sweat surrounded my senses.

  ‘My manager just called. He’ll alert the police because I didn’t answer,’ I stuttered as my air supply got smaller the more he tightened his grip around my neck.

  ‘Shut your fucking mouth!’

  Kim ran towards her husband and tried to prise his arm away from me. ‘Let her go, baby. Please! We’ll lose the kids. Please let her go.’ Our eyes met and she gave me a small hint of a pleading smile. She was telling me that I could trust her, that she knew how to handle him and talk him down. She had done it a million times before. ‘Baby, please.’

  ‘Baby, please?’ he hissed. ‘Bullshit. You’re going to leave me. You’re going to take the kids from me!’

  ‘No! Listen to me. She was talking shit about restraining orders and calling the police. I wouldn’t do that to you!’ she sobbed.

  In the distance, I could hear the faint sound of police sirens. A neighbour had been watching us out of their window. Had they called the police or had Colin?

  ‘Fucking bitch!’ he shouted, pushing me to the ground. He had a wild look in his eyes as he straddled me and wrapped his big, dirty fist around my neck. Before closing my eyes, I caught the glimmer of the blade as he raised it up in the air and brought it down with force, searing the top of my arm. I saw the blood before I felt the pain. It pooled around my shoulders as I lay on the ground. I couldn’t get any clarity to my thoughts as I drifted in and out of consciousness. I could hear talking. It sounded like a volume switch being turned up and down repeatedly. My eyes were trying to focus on what was happening around me. Kim was holding Mr Bramall by his arms and shouting in his face. I turned to see the dog furiously barking. Its mouth was opening and closing, but I couldn’t hear the noise. I was confused and frightened, and I couldn’t move. I watched Kim fall to the ground in slow motion. Was he going to hurt her too?

  She landed face down on the ground. Blood was in her hair and she was still. So still. I couldn’t see Mr Bramall. My eyes desperately searched to find where he was, but I couldn’t see clearly. My vision was blurred and lights flashed across my eyes. I scrunched and squinted but couldn’t focus on anything. Everything around me faded to black.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Bright lights filtered through my eyes as I studied the chaos around me. Medical equipment, the strong smell of disinfectant, and an awareness of my body lying on a stretcher all alerted me to understand that I was strapped inside an ambulance. I had always wanted to see what happened when paramedics were desperately trying to save a life in the back of an ambulance. I enjoyed watching reality shows that followed ambulance crews or busy accident and emergency departments. I’d always been morbid. I never thought that it would be me they were assisting.

  I looked across to my arm. A bandage was covering the wound but blood had drenched through it.

  ‘Elle, are you with me now?’ A paramedic was writing notes on a clipboard. He had my purse and was looking through my cards. ‘You are Elle?’ he asked as he held up my driving licence. I painfully nodded my head. ‘We’re getting some pain medication into you, so you should be feeling more comfortable soon. You’ve been lucky. He didn’t get any main arteries. I think the shock of the attack made you pass out.’

  As I closed my eyes, visions of the attack came back to me. It was like looking through a fishbowl. Everything was distorted and enlarged, but his face full of utter rage and contempt was as clear as it had been when he was straddling me, bracing the knife above me.

  ‘Did they find him? The
police? Kim. How is she?’ I stuttered, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.

  ‘She’s on her way to hospital. The Police will want to take a statement from you later. They can tell you more. Just try and take it easy.’ The guy in the green scrubs had kind eyes. I guess he felt the affinity of two professions that both suffered the possible hazards of working with the public. My situation was rare, but healthcare providers met the risk daily. ‘We’re going to be there in a sec,’ he said as he reassuringly squeezed my hand.

  I tried to make sense of the sounds around me. There were no windows, so I couldn’t look out for familiar landmarks to help me fathom where I was. I had lost all track of time. I had no idea if my parents had been made aware of what had happened, but I needed a familiar face to help ease my anxiety.

  The beep of the ambulance reversing told me we had arrived at the hospital. As the doors opened, I recognised the A&E department immediately. I had been there many times. Ironically, I had been there only a few weeks ago with Mr and Mrs Bramall’s eldest son who had been caught joyriding. He’d made allegations that the police had forcefully handled him in custody. No evidence of physical harm had been found, and once he’d grown bored of waiting to be discharged, he ran away, leaving me to search the hospital and report him as a missing person. I found him twenty minutes later leaning against my car in the car park. I couldn’t help but smile at the bizarre nature of the situation only a few weeks later.

  ‘Hi, Elle, I’m Doctor Kahn. I’m so glad you are awake and able to talk to me. Quite an unusual home visit today, then?’ she smiled and rubbed my arm.

  ‘Yes, highly unusual, thank God. If this were usual, I would be considering a career change.’

  She laughed as she began pulling the dressing from my shoulder. ‘We need to stitch it all back together. There will be scarring, but I’m sure you’re aware of that. Take it easy. Get signed off work if you feel you need to. Don’t be a hero and put yourself first.’ Her words stung. Out of everything that had happened, it was those few words, designed to comfort and relax me, that made me cry.

  ‘Has anyone told my parents?’ Mum would have been having a coronary. Not to mention my poor dad.

  ‘Yes, they’re on their way,’ she replied.

  Mum arrived in a flurry of tears and jangled nerves. Dad followed behind her. They both looked battle worn, grey, and immensely shocked as they hugged me like their life depended on it. They wanted to know everything about what had led to the injury. Their questions were unnerving because I knew the police would probably have very similar thoughts. Why had I gone on the visit alone when I knew the situation could be volatile? I thought of Colin and wondered if our service manager had asked him the same question. A serious case review was inevitable as there had been serious flaws. But I felt the decision to go alone was on my shoulders.

  The doctor politely asked my parents to leave so that she could start closing the wound. My mum tried to convince her to let them stay, but I talked them into going down to the coffee shop. Really, it was a break for me. Her fussing was starting to drive me insane, and they’d only been there for thirty minutes.

  After dressing the wound, the doctor left me alone, but a knock on the door stopped the first chance I had to close my eyes and rest. As it opened, a familiar face came into view. Ben was standing at the door, tentative and slow as his eyes took in my wound. His face carried a pure mix of concern yet deep relief. He smiled, but I could see how quickly he slipped back into a bubble of anxiety by the way he ran his finger along his bottom lip.

  ‘Elle, I…’

  He walked over to the bed and slumped down onto his knees before slipping his fingers into mine and kissing them softly.

  ‘I’m so glad you came. How did you know?’ I asked quietly as my fingers glided through his hair. I needed to touch him. I needed to take him in.

  ‘I heard it on the local radio and came straight here. I was so scared. I just heard the word stabbing and your name. I thought I’d lost you. I thought you were gone before we even got a chance.’ His head sagged. ‘You look so tiny in this bed. Look at you. Look what he’s done. How could anyone want to hurt you?’

  ‘I’m fine. Shush. Come here. I’ve missed you so much.’ He was careful not to pull me or touch the side where I had been injured. He leant his face down to mine, kissed the tip of my nose, and held my face in his hands. His soft fingers delicately traced my skin as he took the time to gather his strength and put an end to his panic. He softly moved his lips over mine and kissed me firmly, almost like the kiss would take away the pain or erase the trauma from my body.

  A knock on the door broke us apart. Ben stood but didn’t let go of my hand.

  ‘You have another visitor. He says he’s your boyfriend.’ The nurse looked at Ben, back at me, and down to our entwined hands before raising an eyebrow in judgement. Just as I started to speak, a bouquet of flowers entered the room before Luke appeared from behind them with an obvious look of surprise at seeing Ben.

  ‘Hey, how you doing?’ he asked softly as he walked closer to the bed. Ben dropped his hand away from mine as Luke bent down to kiss my cheek.

  ‘The flowers are from me but the card is from the team,’ he said as he straightened himself up and turned towards Ben, offering out his hand. ‘I’m Luke, but you’ve probably already guessed that.’ Ben shook his hand and stepped away from me, leaving a gaping hole of distance between us. Luke returned his gaze to mine and smiled softly. I wasn’t sure if he was cautious of my wounds or cautious of my reaction towards him.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I uttered, completely lost for words at the drama unfolding before me. Luke put the flowers down on the table at the side of the bed.

  ‘Are you kidding me? There’s no question I’d be here.’ He turned to Ben. ‘You must be—’

  ‘Ben.’ Ben put both hands in his pockets and looked to the floor.

  ‘Nice to meet you.’ Luke walked around him, ultimately dismissing him with an uninterested roll of his shoulder. ‘Would you mind leaving us for a minute?’ he asked with a false smile.

  ‘No. He isn’t going anywhere. What are you doing?’ I raised my voice to break the tension.

  ‘Elle, it’s OK,’ Ben replied as he stared at Luke. His face was so expressive he didn’t need to use words to show his contempt for the man standing before him.

  Luke saw the look on Ben’s face, and a familiar smirk appeared on Luke’s lips. ‘I’m not here to cause trouble. We may not be together anymore, but I still care for her. She wants me here. We have history. Something you don’t.’ Luke’s eyes didn’t leave mine as he spoke.

  Ben smiled fleetingly and huffed out a single laugh before shaking his head, turning to look at me as he crossed his arms defensively. ‘I think you know exactly what you’re doing,’ Ben replied, his eyes dark and stormy.

  ‘I’d just like a moment without outside distractions,’ Luke said firmly, unyielding in his response.

  Ben’s eyes skirted around mine. I pleaded for him to stay, but he stood back and carried himself out of the room, his annoyance and anger burning out of him like a flame. I shouted out to him. His name filled the room but he didn’t look back. He didn’t return to me.

  ‘Why did you do that? I can’t believe you’re here,’ I shouted breathlessly as the pain started to settle in.

  ‘You’re all over the local news. The department is in lock down. No one is able to talk to the press. We’ve all been instructed to keep our mouths shut.’

  This couldn’t be happening to me. Firstly, I was trying to take in the enormity of what was going on outside of the hospital. Secondly, Luke was standing at my bedside with flowers and acting like a concerned boyfriend.

  ‘I was so worried. I needed to see you,’ he said calmly.

  ‘Well, you can see I’m fine. I won’t be wearing off the shoulder tops anytime soon, but apart from that…’ I said trying to shift my body up against the pillows that had fallen down in a complicated heap.

&nb
sp; ‘Don’t do that. Don’t make light of this. You could have been killed,’ he replied firmly, fixing the pillows against the back of my head.

  ‘Thanks for the reality check. You can go now,’ I said, closing my eyes as the pain finally took hold. Luke sat on the chair at the side of the bed and reached for my hand. I instinctively pulled away, which only encouraged a searing pain to shoot down my arm. ‘Shit, Luke! Don’t touch me!’

  The pain was a bitch.

  ‘I can still care about you. There’s nothing wrong with that. We were friends before we were lovers,’ he muttered, staring at the floor.

  ‘There are plenty of people here who care about me. I don’t need you here. I have everything I need.’

  ‘Let me back in,’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘What are you talking about? I’m with Ben now. You’re with her. It’s been months. Just go. I’m so exhausted from all of this.’

  ‘I’m offering you a second chance,’ he said, his voice straining as he tried to calm himself. ‘I knew I’d made the wrong choice. Hearing about you today just confirmed that.’

  ‘No! It’s over. Stop doing this.’

  ‘You want him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You don’t know him. You’ve barely scratched the surface.’

  ‘You don’t know anything about us,’ I cried furiously.

  ‘Can I at least contact you just to see how you are? I got a scare today,’ he said, wringing his hands before offering a small smile.

  I nodded my head just to get him out of the room. ‘Just go. I need sleep.’ I yawned and let my head fall to the side. Exhaustion was threatening to take me away from the reality of the world for a good few hours.

  ‘Take care, sleepy girl,’ he said as he kissed me lightly on my lips. I couldn’t be certain, but I was sure I saw Ben’s dark shadow cross the plain walls as my eyelids grew heavy and fell.