Bright Purple: Color Me Confused with Bonus Content

by Carlson, Melody

  Then the bus is pulling into the school parking lot, and everyone starts waking up and gathering their stuff, and it’s getting noisy again. Then, of course, one of the girls looks back and notices the three of us still sitting in the back of the bus, and she makes this really raunchy comment. And everyone else just laughs.

  I stand up now, and I am really, really mad. What right do they have to treat people like this? “I am so sick of you guys!” I yell this so loud that the whole bus immediately gets quiet. I march up the aisle now and then I look this girl right in the face. “And I swear if Coach Ackley doesn’t make you guys straighten up and stop this infantile nasty talk, then someone else will!” I glare at Coach. He has this mixture of surprise and amusement across his face. “I mean it!” I tell him, shaking my splinted wrist toward him. “Either you do something or I will go to Ms. Fremont and I will tell her exactly what’s going on here.”

  He nods and actually seems somewhat pleased. “Yeah, I’m getting a little fed up with this too,” he yells. “The next girl who gets out of line will be suspended from the team for one week. you got that?”

  And maybe they do. Because as we exit the bus and head over to the parking lot, no one says anything off-color. But I can feel Lauren and Amy watching the three of us, since BJ and I are still walking with Jess. I can tell they’re wondering what’s up.

  “You still need a ride, Ramie?” BJ asks me in a tired voice.

  I glance over at Jess. “Well, unless Jess wants to give me ride.”

  “Sure, I can drop you,” she says in an offhand way, but I can tell she’s surprised.

  “Okay.” I wave good-bye to BJ.

  “You guys better not forget we have practice next week,” warns BJ.

  “I know,” I call back. “Even though it’s Christmas break.”

  “No rest for the wicked,” says Lauren as she and Amy join us. Even though the parking lot lights aren’t the brightest, I can see the questioning looks these two are giving me as I follow Jess to her car. Like they want to ask what gives.

  “See you guys next week,” I say to Lauren and Amy in what I hope sounds like a positive tone, tossing them a reassuring smile. I want them to know that we’re okay. At least I hope we are. But as I climb into Jess’s car, I have to admit that I feel pretty nervous. I hope this isn’t a mistake.

  We’re both really quiet at first. Part of me is ready for small talk, but at the same time I know that small talk won’t work.

  “So you’re going out with Mitch?” Jess says as she pulls out of the parking lot.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Which reminds me—it’s youth group tonight. Are you going?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.”

  “You haven’t been there . . . well, you know . . . since you . . . came out.”

  “Don’t you hate those words? Came out? I mean it sounds almost like a disease. Like you came down with something. Or maybe you broke out with something. Or you put them together and you came out.”

  That makes me laugh. Then Jess laughs.

  “You know it’s not that I’ve never been around homosexuals before,” I tell her. “I mean my mom has some friends. And I’ve always just treated them like everyone else. But it just freaked me out when it was you, Jess. Can you understand that?”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty much freaked out everyone.”

  “How’s your family doing?”

  “Not so well. My mom tries to hide it, but I know she’s really depressed. I’ve heard her crying a lot.”

  “Yeah, she seemed pretty sad the time I talked to her.”

  “She told my family about the exit group and they all think I should go.” Jess lets out a groan. “Why does everyone have this pressing need to fix me?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s because we just want you to be happy, Jess. And it’s hard for some of us to believe that being gay is going to make you happy.”

  “When you say it like that—being gay—it’s like you think it’s something temporary, like an emotion. you’re being moody. Or you’re being funny. I really don’t think it’s a temporary thing, Ramie.”

  “But how do you know?”

  “I know how I feel.”

  “You mean about girls?” I ask, knowing that I’m probably heading in a direction that I don’t really want to go. Or maybe I do.

  “You mean do I get excited about girls? Do I think girls are hot? Is that what you’re asking me, Ramie?” I can hear anger in her voice now.

  “Well, isn’t that what being a lesbian is all about?”

  “That’s part of it. But it’s not everything. It’s not all about sex.”

  I want to say, “Yeah, right,” but I control myself. “Well, what’s it about then?”

  “It’s about how I feel inside. I’ve never been a girly-girl, Ramie. you know that. I’ve always liked boys’ clothes and playing sports and—”

  “Hey, that pretty much describes me too.”

  “No way,” she says. “You like girly things, Ramie. you know you do.”

  “Well, I didn’t always. I used to be a tomboy too. I think I just kind of grew into liking them.”

  “Well, I didn’t.”

  “Maybe you just never gave yourself the chance, Jess. Maybe you’re just afraid to let your feminine side out.”

  “Maybe I don’t have a feminine side.”

  “I think you do. I just think you keep it well hidden.”

  “I think you just wish that was true, Ramie.”

  “Maybe I do. Maybe for your sake I do.”

  “See, you’re just like my family. you want to fix me.”

  “I just want you to have the best life you can possibly have, Jess. And I want you to keep walking with God and obeying him.”

  “And you think I can’t do that and be gay too?”

  “I know some people think you can. My mom has made that perfectly clear to me. But I just don’t think that’s what the Bible says.”

  We’re at my house now, and although I think some good things might have been said during the ride, I am so glad to be home.

  “Look, Jess,” I say as she waits for me to get out. “I know that this isn’t going to be easy. I’m not even sure that I can handle having a lesbian friend. To be perfectly honest, it still creeps me out some. I mean I do care about you, and I don’t want us to fight anymore. But I’m not sure how much I can really handle.”

  “Yeah, I figured as much.”

  “Hey, I’m just trying to be honest, Jess. I will do everything I can to be your friend, but this is still hard for me.”

  “You think it’s easy for me?”

  “I think we all need some really good counseling.”

  “Well, I’m willing to give Nathan a try. But if he jumps right into trying to fix me, I will be so outta there.”

  “That’s understandable.” I open the car door. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “Thanks for talking to me tonight.”

  “Well, I think it really helps me to understand you a little better. I mean I feel really bad about what happened to you at soccer camp and I—”

  “But I don’t want you guys to blame it on that, okay? I was just trying to make you see where I’m coming from, how I’ve known this for a long time. It’s not just something I woke up and decided to do one morning. Sheesh, that’s what my family thinks.”

  “You haven’t told them about camp?”

  “They are hardly talking to me at all, Ramie. I mostly just stay out of their way. Try not to keep rocking their boat. I wish I was a senior this year. Then I could just leave home and get on with my life.”

  “I have one last question, Jess. Do you mind?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, go ahead. I already feel like I’ve been through the grinder tonight anyway.”

  “Well, are you like involved with another girl now? Is that what made you want to come out of the closet? I mean is there someone that you—”

  “No, Ramie!” Then she laughs. “Why? Are you jealous?”


  I make a face at her. “No. I was just curious.”

  “No. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never been involved with another girl. Not since the thing with Ashley. But I’ll admit that I’ve had impulses. Okay? Does that make you happy?”

  I frown. “Why would that make me happy?”

  “True confessions.”

  “So, have you ever had impulses . . . you know . . . toward me?” Okay, this question is really making me feel sick, but since I know I’m home and I can run into my house and get away from her if necessary, I’m willing to take the risk. Plus, I just really want to know.

  “Yeah, I’m having an impulse right now, Ramie. I have this impulse to hit you.” She makes a fist, then laughs. “No, I don’t think I’ve really had an impulse toward you. I think I’d be more attracted to the real lesbian type, you know, the kind who might return the attraction.”

  I sigh and shake my head. “No, I don’t really know. It’s pretty hard to wrap my mind around that whole thing.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I know. We’re all freaks.”

  “Well, thanks again for the ride.” I get out of her car now. “And thanks for being honest with me.”

  “You too.”

  As I walk toward the house, I wonder if this is a relationship that can actually be maintained. I mean sure, we may have made some progress tonight, but the idea of ever being really close friends again, the possibility of sharing secrets, sleeping over, talking about boyfriends, shopping for bras . . . well, that seems to be something that’s best left dead and buried.

  That’s sad, though, and I feel sorry for Jess. I mean who will she share those times with now? She can’t do stuff like that with guys. And she can’t do it with girls like me. What does that leave? Just lesbians like her? But that wouldn’t be the same, would it? Wouldn’t that be like me doing stuff like that with guys? Pretty weird. As I go into my house, I still feel confused. Very confused.

  sixteen

  I SUSPECT THAT I MIGHT BE THE MAIN REASON MITCH HAS BEEN CONSISTENTLY going to youth group these last few weeks. I still find his lackadaisical approach rather ironic, since his dad is a pastor. But I’m beginning to accept that just because Mitch’s parents are Christians doesn’t necessarily mean that Mitch is saved. In fact, I’m beginning to understand that Mitch is really struggling with his faith. But I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess I’m thinking that as long as we go to youth group together and things don’t get too out of hand in our relationship, we should be okay. At least for now.

  Because for now, I still feel the need to be linked with a boyfriend. Okay, maybe I’m a little insecure about my sexual identity, which I know is silly, but if I’m going to try to have any kind of a friendship with Jess, I really want someone like Mitch around. I just don’t want people assuming that I’m gay, or that I’m not the kind of Christian I claim to be.

  I’m not surprised when Jess doesn’t show up at youth group tonight. But I hope that will be changing soon. And after youth group ends, I tell Mitch that I need to talk to Nathan.

  His brows lift. “Is it something personal?”

  I laugh. “No. I just want to ask him something about Jess. It has to do with what I already told you, about what happened on the bus today. you can come with me if you want.” I didn’t give Mitch all the details about Jess, only that BJ and I were trying to reach out to her, and that she seems open to help.

  I wave to BJ, who’s talking to a friend over on the other side of the room. I clued her in earlier about my plan to talk to Nathan tonight. Then the three of us approach Nathan.

  “We want to talk to you about Jess LeCroix,” I tell Nathan.

  He nods. “It’s about time.”

  “She’s really struggling,” I begin. “BJ and I had a long talk with her on the way home from Rendezvous.”

  “Hey, how’d you guys do?” he asks.

  “Not so well,” says BJ.

  “Too bad. But tell me what’s up with Jess?” he says. “I talked briefly with her parents last week. So I do know what’s going on.”

  “Doesn’t everyone?”

  He smiles. “Yeah. Stuff like this pretty much rocks everyone’s world. But it doesn’t have to.”

  “Well, we were talking to Jess about getting some counseling,” I say.

  “Christian counseling,” BJ adds.

  “You mean you guys are going to try to talk her out of being gay?” says Mitch.

  Nathan laughs. “You can’t exactly talk someone out of that.”

  “I know,” I add. “That’s not it, really. We just think she needs to talk to someone about what’s gone on with her. And she’s kind of reluctant. So BJ and I offered to come with her, if you think that’s a good idea.”

  He considers this. “Well, in this situation, that might be a good idea. At least for starters. Jess’s hardest challenge, right now, might be her need for acceptance.”

  “Acceptance?” I echo. “As in accepting that she’s gay?”

  “Accepting her for who she is,” he says. “Loving her unconditionally.”

  We talk a little more, and I can tell that Nathan is trying to make sure that BJ and I are really on the same page he is, and finally he invites the three of us girls to meet him for coffee next week.

  “I think doing coffee is a little less intimidating than sitting in a counselor’s office. It sets the stage for acceptance better.”

  So it’s agreed. We’ll meet him at Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon, following basketball practice.

  “As long as Jess is still agreeable,” I say finally.

  “Let’s all be praying for her,” says Nathan. “Pray that she won’t be on the defensive, that she’ll feel our unconditional love.” He glances over at Mitch now. “You coming too, bro?”

  Mitch shrugs. “Maybe not. I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

  Nathan nods. “That’s cool.”

  As Mitch drives me home, we talk a little more about Jess. But some of his questions bother me a little. And I get the feeling that he doesn’t really care about her. Maybe even that he dislikes her. And that bugs me.

  “I think you guys are wasting your time,” he says finally. “I mean she’s a lesbo, Ramie.”

  “Don’t call her that.”

  “Okay. Sorry. She’s a lesbian. Is that more politically correct? But, seriously, isn’t it obvious?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I probably knew she was gay even before you did.”

  “How?”

  “Just look at her, Ramie. She walks like a guy. She dresses like a guy. She’s just your typical butch lesbian. I’m surprised you never figured it out before.” He laughs. “Or did you?”

  The way he asks that last question really makes me mad. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I demand.

  “Well, you know. Did she ever come on to you?”

  “Mitch!”

  “You’re a hot girl, Ramie. I’m sure that Jess was aware of it. Are you saying that she never came on to you?”

  Now I know he thinks he’s being funny. And maybe I would’ve laughed at that before. Before I heard part of Jess’s story today. But now it just sounds rude and crude and mean. And so I tell him.

  “Wow, you’re being pretty sensitive about this, Ramie,” he says as he pulls into my driveway. “Sure I didn’t touch a nerve?”

  “No!” I snap at him. “Didn’t you listen to anything that Nathan said tonight?”

  “About what?”

  “About loving Jess unconditionally.”

  “Who says I’m not?”

  “You don’t sound very loving to me.”

  “Hey, I’m the one who’s accepting that she’s gay. I’d say that’s pretty unconditional.”

  “But what if she’s not gay? What if she’s just trapped?”

  He laughs. “Yeah, right.”

  I let out an exasperated sigh, then open the door. But when Mitch walks me up the stairs to the door, I’m not feeling quite
the same anticipation as usual. And instead of our regular little kissing session, which has been getting longer and longer, I let him kiss me once, then I quickly say good night and go into the house.

  My mom is sitting at the island in the kitchen, working on her laptop. “How was youth group?” she asks.

  “Okay.” I open the fridge and look around.

  “How was Mitch?”

  I make a growling sound as I take out a can of soda.

  She looks up from her computer screen. “Now was that a happy growl or a grumpy growl?”

  “A grumpy one.” I pop open the soda and take a sip.

  Then she closes her laptop and looks at me. “What’s wrong with Mitch?”

  I pull out a stool and sit down across from her, considering how much I want to disclose. On one hand, if I tell her that Mitch thinks that Jess is hopeless and will always be gay, she’ll probably agree. On the other hand, if I tell her that Mitch made some unkind remarks about Jess and me, she will probably think he’s a jerk. So I decide to bring up something else.

  “Can I tell you something protected by client confidentiality?” I ask.

  “About yourself?”

  “No, about someone else.”

  “Is this a real someone else, or is it you pretending to be someone else so that you can hear what I’d think?”

  I roll my eyes. “No, it’s really someone else, Mom.”

  She nods. “Yes. I can promise you client confidentiality.”

  “Okay. The someone else is Jess. I wouldn’t have told you, but I figured you’d guess anyway.”

  “And?”

  So I repeat what Jess told BJ and me on the bus. I repeat it with full details, and even as I retell Jess’s story, I am hit again by the sadness of the situation. The unfairness of it.

  Mom nods with a concerned expression. “Well, that casts this in a whole different light, doesn’t it?”

  “So, you’re a professional,” I say. “Do you think that Jess has assumed she’s a lesbian just because of what that stupid Ashley did to her?”