“Being sexually abused as a child definitely impacts a person’s identity, Ramie. Although I’ve read some research that doesn’t statistically support what you’re suggesting.”
“But I’ve heard you say that research is subjective,” I remind her.
She smiles. “You actually listen to me sometimes?”
Ignoring this, I plod on ahead. “So, it’s possible that some research could be different? Like some research might prove that kids who get sexually abused by a same-sex person might believe that they’re homosexual?”
“I’m sure it’s possible.”
“So maybe Jess really isn’t gay,” I say hopefully. “Maybe she’s just been so affected by the abuse that she thinks she’s gay.”
“It’s not as simple as that, Ramie.”
“Why?”
“Well, you’d have to be Jess to know the answer to that question.”
“But it’s possible?”
“Anything is possible.”
“But, Mom,” I plead, “Doesn’t it make sense? Doesn’t it seem like Jess wouldn’t have those feelings if Ashley hadn’t messed with her? I mean Jess said it made her feel guilty and dirty and ashamed. Why would she feel like that if it was normal?”
“Because it was sexual abuse, Ramie. Jess would’ve felt just the same if a man had done it.”
I feel ridiculous for failing to see that myself.
“But you are right about one thing.”
“What?”
“Being sexually abused would mess up Jess’s head.” Mom gets a thoughtful look now. “And didn’t Jess start putting on the weight about that same time? Wasn’t she around twelve or thirteen when she started getting heavy?”
I think about this. “Yeah, now that you mention it, she never really was overweight before. Do you think that has something to do with it?”
“I think it’s just symptomatic of how she felt about her body. Lots of sex-abuse victims will turn to things like food to compensate for their pain. It can take the form of overeating or even anorexia. Others might turn to drugs or alcohol. It’s a coping mechanism. But counseling is better.”
“But until today she never told anyone,” I point out. “She’s never had any counseling at all.”
“It’s not too late to get some.”
So I tell Mom about our plan to meet with Nathan next week. She nods. “That’s a good start. But it may take more than that. It probably wouldn’t hurt for her to be in a therapy group too.”
I’m worried that Mom means a homosexual therapy group, and I know that Jess has already attended some gay alliance meetings with other homosexuals. I figure things like that will only push her the wrong way. But I don’t say this.
“If Jess ever wants to talk to me,” Mom offers, “I’d be more than happy.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’ll let her know.” I probably won’t let her know. Or, if I do, I won’t encourage it. My mom means well, but until she understands that homosexuality is a moral issue, I just don’t see how she could be much help to Jess.
“I’m glad that you’re talking to her again, Ramie,” Mom says. “I’m sure she needs her friends more than ever right now.”
“Yeah. I feel bad that I was pushing her away,” I confess. “It just made me so uncomfortable. I’m still a little worried everyone will think I’m a lesbian too.” Then I tell her a little about what’s been going on with the girls on the basketball team and even how I stood up to them today.
Mom smiles. “You did that, Ramie?”
I nod. “I think Coach Ackley was pretty shocked. But at least he supported me in it.”
“He better support you! The school could end up with a nasty lawsuit on its hands if he doesn’t. This is serious stuff these days, Ramie. Discrimination based on sexual orientation can get groups like the ACLU pretty riled up.”
“Well, it got me pretty riled up to hear girls calling Jess all those names today.” I don’t tell her that Mitch made me almost as mad tonight when he said what I thought were some totally unkind words about Jess as well.
I still don’t understand why he’s taking such a strong position against her. Okay, maybe he actually thinks he’s being supportive of Jess, but I just don’t see it like that. Frankly, it almost seems like he’s trying to drive an even bigger wedge between Jess and me. But why?
seventeen
“I CAN’T GIVE YOU A RIDE TO PRACTICE TODAY,” JESS TELLS ME ON THE PHONE just minutes before she is supposed to pick me up. But her voice sounds funny and I can tell something’s not right.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“I’m at the hospital.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. It’s not me.”
“What then?” I’m feeling really worried now. “Is it your dad?” I know her dad’s been taking heart medicine. And all this stress about Jess can’t be helping.
“No, it’s not Dad. It’s Joey.”
“Joey?”
“Joey Pinckney.”
“Joey Pinckney?” Now this makes no sense. Why is Jess at the hospital with Joey Pinckney?
“He tried to kill himself.”
“Oh no! Is he okay?”
“We don’t know. Some of us, you know, from the gay alliance group at school, we’re here to support him.”
“Oh.”
“So I’m going to miss practice.”
“That’s understandable. I’ll tell Coach. I just hope Joey is okay.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do.” But something about the way she says this doesn’t sound right. There’s a sarcastic edge to it.
“I do, Jess. I like Joey.”
“I’m sure that’s why you tease him sometimes.”
“Hey, I only teased him because I liked him. He was always cool with it before. If I didn’t like him, I would’ve just ignored him. And lately, well, after I started to wonder about some things . . . well, I quit teasing him altogether.”
“That probably didn’t help.”
“So this is my fault?” I say with indignation. “Joey tried to kill himself because of me?”
“Not you personally, Ramie. Just people like you.”
“People like me?” I can hear my voice getting louder. “But we’ve been talking, Jess. We’re working stuff out. Why are you saying this?”
“Because you have an agenda. People like you always do. you and BJ just want to see if you can fix me. Just like my parents. And it’s people like you who make people like Joey want to kill themselves. I have to go now.”
“Right.”
“By the way, I won’t be able to meet you guys with Nathan today.” Then, before I can respond, she hangs up.
I call BJ’s cell phone, knowing that she’s probably already on her way to school.
“Jess can’t come get me for practice,” I tell her in an angry voice. “Tell Coach that I’m not going to make it either, okay?”
“Wait a minute, Ramie. What’s wrong? What about our meeting with Nathan?”
So I fill her in about Joey, as well as Jess’s new attitude toward us. “It’s like she’s blaming us,” I say. “Like we’re personally responsible for Joey’s suicide attempt.”
“That’s so sad.”
“It’s also unfair.”
“I mean it’s so sad about Joey. I hope he’s going to be okay. Did she say what he did?”
“No.” I realize now that I forgot to ask. I was so defensive that I totally forgot to be concerned about Joey. What is wrong with me?
“Well, I’m going to swing by your house and pick you up,” she tells me. “We’ll both be late, but that’s the breaks. In the meantime, why don’t you call Jess back and ask her how we can be praying for Joey.”
I agree, but as soon as I hang up, I’m not so sure. I mean Jess sounded pretty mad at me. Why do I want to go poke that hornets’ nest again? Still, I know that BJ will ask. So I dial Jess’s cell-phone number and wait, hoping maybe she’s turned it off.
“What?” she says sharply,
which tells me she’s using her caller ID.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” I begin. “And I’m really sorry about Joey too. Is there anything I can do?”
“Not really.”
“Well, I’d like to be praying for him, Jess. How’s he doing? Is he going to be in the hospital for long?”
“He cut his wrists,” she says in a flat-sounding voice. “He lost a lot of blood, but they have him on IVs and stuff. They’re going to be keeping him in the psych ward to observe for a couple of days.”
“Oh, because they’re worried about him doing it again?”
“Pretty much.”
“Well, I really am sorry, Jess. And I will be praying for him. And BJ will too. And if there’s anything we can do—”
“Maybe you could start treating him like normal again,” she says in a tired voice. “For you that might mean you should start teasing him again, not that I recommend it.”
“What?”
“Look, Ramie, we’re people too. Just like you. We need the same kinds of things that you do. We need to be loved and accepted and treated like normal human beings. Is that too hard to grasp?”
“No, of course not.”
“Fine.”
“Well, take care, Jess.”
“Thanks.”
I’m fighting back anger as I hang up. Why is she talking to me like that? I thought we’d made some progress, but now she’s acting like I’m the enemy. Am I really that bad?
BJ’s outside honking, so I grab my stuff and race out. As soon as I’m in the car I start venting about how Jess talked to me.
“She pretty much told me off.” I pause to catch my breath.
“That’s so weird. I mean after talking with her on Saturday, I felt kind of hopeful.”
“Me too. But she sounded like someone else just now. Like I didn’t even know her. All that talk about how people like us treat people like them . . . It was like she wanted to get into a big old fight right there on the phone.”
BJ presses her lips tightly together, and I can tell she’s thinking. “Was anyone with Jess? There at the hospital?”
“I think so. She mentioned that some kids from the gay alliance had gone to show support for Joey.”
“I’ll bet they were standing around listening to Jess while she was talking to you. She was probably trying to impress them.”
“Maybe, but it was still pretty harsh.”
“Jess is in a hard place. Think about it. One of her gay friends tries to kill himself, probably because he’s been ostracized by family and friends after coming out of the closet. And there Jess is, trying to be supportive while other gay friends are looking on. She’s probably acting tough for their sakes.”
“I hope that’s it. But even so, I hate to keep feeling like the lines are being drawn. Like this is the gay camp and this is the straight camp. And don’t you dare step over that line.”
When we get to practice, it seems that everyone has already heard about Joey’s suicide attempt. And while some of the players’ comments are compassionate, some are not. Following practice, I overhear several disturbing things in the locker room. And finally I get fed up.
“That’s what happens when you let everyone know you’re gay,” a girl named Kelsey is saying to Amy. Kelsey’s a senior who barely made varsity this year. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only reason she made it was because she’s played every year and Coach Ackley felt sorry for her. “Better to keep your mouth shut,” she continues. “I mean you go around and tell everyone and you’re just asking for trouble.”
“Yeah,” agrees Amy. “Too bad someone can’t just ship all the homosexuals off to some deserted island somewhere. Let them live their own lives and leave the rest of us normal folks alone.”
Though I probably had that same attitude myself, and not so long ago, today I find it very offensive. Since I don’t know Kelsey that well, I speak directly to Amy.
“You know, Amy,” I begin, “It’s hard to deal with this whole homosexual thing, but that comment you made about shipping them all off to some island is pretty harsh.”
“Hey, it’s just my opinion, Ramie. Don’t get all PC on me.”
“But what if your opinion hurts others? Like I know that people have said or thought the very same thing about me. you know, bigoted people who think that just because I’m biracial, I should go live somewhere else too.”
Her eyes get wide now, but this seems to keep her quiet.
“Anyway, I just think it’s a pretty unfeeling thing to say.”
“Oh, I was only kidding, Ramie,” she says quickly now. “You know me, the freaked-out homophobe.”
“I know, but I’m thinking maybe we all need to lighten up on these guys. Like we should just get over it, you know?”
“Yeah,” Amy nods. “I should probably learn to keep my big mouth shut.”
“So, are you saying you think it’s okay, Ramie?” says Kelsey. She stands up straight, looking me right in the eye. “I mean we’ve all been noticing how you and BJ have been hanging with Jess lately, acting like it’s no big deal that she’s a lesbian.”
“Yeah. I guess we’re hoping we can set a good example.”
“Or maybe you guys are coming out too,” she says in a slightly mocking tone. Then she laughs.
“I’m sure you think that’s really funny, Kelsey,” I tell her. “But I think it’s pretty offensive.”
“Why should you be offended?” she continues. “I mean on one hand you’re saying that we need to accept homosexuals. But then on the other hand, you don’t want to be associated with them. What’s up with that?”
I consider this for a few seconds, wondering how I can get through to this girl. “So, do you accept me?” I finally ask her.
“Huh?”
“Do you accept me?” I repeat. The locker room gets pretty quiet now. Maybe the girls think we’re about to start punching each other. Of course, I have no intention of getting physical. “I mean,” I continue, “if you haven’t noticed, my skin isn’t exactly the same color as yours. So, I’m curious, do you accept me or not?”
All eyes are on Kelsey now. “Of course, I accept you, Ramie. What’s your point?”
“So, are you biracial too?” Now I know this sounds ridiculous since Kelsey is a blue-eyed blonde, but I keep a very serious expression on my face.
“Nooo.”
“Then isn’t that kind of two-sided? I mean you say you accept me, but that doesn’t mean you’re like me.” I watch her taking this in. “That sort of shoots down your theory about BJ and me, doesn’t it?”
She shrugs.
“So maybe it’s possible for us to accept Jess without being gay.” I smile at her now. “Ya think?”
“Whatever.” She turns away from me, acting like she’s getting something out of her locker, but I know she just wants to get rid of me.
I look at BJ. She’s grinning now, giving me a thumbs-up. “I think we should go visit Joey at the hospital today,” I tell her in a voice that’s loud enough for anyone who still wants to listen to hear.
“Sure,” she says as she pulls on her jacket. “Sounds like a plan.”
But first we head over to Starbucks to meet Nathan. Naturally, he’s disappointed that Jess didn’t make it, but we explain what’s up and he seems really concerned.
“It’s so sad that Joey would feel that desperate.”
“Yeah, in a way it makes me worried about Jess too,” I admit. “I mean I can tell that she’s still depressed about how people are reacting to her. And I know things with her family are really stressed. It’s gotta be so hard.”
“I’ve really been giving this whole thing some very serious thought,” he tells us, “and praying about it too. And I think it’s high time that we, as Christians, start making an intentional move to restore relationships with people like Joey and Jess. I mean Jesus came for everyone. He didn’t shun them because they were sinning. He just loved them and told them to follow him and to sin no more.”
“Y
eah,” I say.
“I believe God is calling us to a ministry of restoration.”
I nod. “I agree with you.”
“Me too,” says BJ. Then she tells him about my little confrontation with Kelsey in the locker room. “Ramie totally kept her cool too,” she says finally. “I was impressed.”
“That’s awesome, Ramie. Good for you.”
“I think it was God inspired,” I admit. “But I suppose I do know what it feels like to experience prejudice. And, believe me, it feels horrible to be hated just because you’re different. And it’s disturbing that kids like Jess and Joey are really getting targeted because they came out.”
“I don’t know if it’s just me,” says BJ, “but it really seems to be a hot topic in the news lately too. It’s like whenever I turn on the TV or read the paper, I’m hearing about people fighting about things like gay marriage or homosexuals who want minority rights. Did you guys see Bill O’Reilly last night?”
Neither of us had, so BJ gives us the lowdown. Much of the stuff about setting precedence and legislation and the Supreme Court goes over my head. But I think I basically get the drift.
“Even though I believe we need to reach out to homosexuals, it’s still a confusing issue for me,” I say. “I mean it’s hard to balance being a Christian and having convictions against loving everyone no matter what. I mean we don’t want to appear to be soft on sin, do we?”
“That’s a good point, Ramie,” says Nathan. “And I have to admit that even within our church leadership, not everyone agrees on how to deal with this issue. Believe me, it really is a hot button with some people.”
“I wonder why that is.”
“For starters, there’s the whole fear thing. Some well-meaning people are convinced that homosexuals are dangerous—they almost classify them as criminals, thinking that they have some secret agenda to infect our whole society with their twisted ways of thinking.”
“I’ve heard that some of them do have a political agenda,” BJ points out. “I did a paper on it in sociology last year. There are gay groups that make a point of acting out just so they can get on the news. The idea is to be in the public’s face until the public quits paying attention.”
Bright Purple: Color Me Confused with Bonus Content Page 13