The Other Side Of the Game

by Anita Doreen Diggs

  “Asha lives in fear of everything. Commitment. Forgiveness. True intimacy. I taught you better than that.”

  I said nothing.

  Evelyn sighed. “Okay, sweetheart. I respect your decision.”

  I searched my mind for something other than the wedding to discuss. “My graduation ceremony is going to be held at Madison Square Garden.”

  “Oh, how wonderful! This is a year of many blessings for you, and I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.”

  That’s what I liked about Evelyn. In spite of the fact that I’d nixed her idea of a Smith family reunion, she didn’t pout or press the issue. She always just wanted me to be happy.

  Evelyn massaged the oil into my scalp and patted the top of my head. “I’m finished. Would you like to go shoe shopping with me?”

  At any other time I would have grabbed my coat and joined her but the conversation about Mama’s family had made me a little sad. It was time to meditate. I needed to get silent inside so that my true inner voice could guide me.

  Chapter 9

  ASHA

  Saundra is my heart but one of these days I’m going to tie her down, put some makeup on her face and do something with that hair. After that, I’ll shake her by the shoulders until her survival instinct kicks in and she decides to become the next Vera Wang. Imagine working four years for a fashion design degree and then using it to create clothes for people who can’t pay for them. What kind of sense does that make? She’ll end up a poverty-stricken old woman, tottering around on a cane with that dull-ass Yero at her side and nothing to show for almost fifty years of labor.

  That won’t happen to me. I will not end up as an elderly, destitute black woman.

  To make sure that I never catch the fatal “money doesn’t matter, happiness is what is truly important in life” disease, I generally avoid people (with the exception of Saundra because she is my sister) who already have it. In fact, Randall is the only man I sleep with who is poor but he makes up for that between the sheets. Big time.

  Randall is a twenty-eight-year-old accountant who toils away in the back room at some two-bit firm in Brooklyn. I met him about six months ago at B Smith’s, a playground for black professional men and women. He was dressed in a beautiful suit that he later confessed he’d been saving money for almost a year. He sat down on the stool next to me and we silently appraised each other. After an average “getting to know you” conversation, we exchanged numbers and the rest is history.

  Since then, he has maxed out his credit cards: there’s been a weekend in the Bahamas, exotic restaurants, orchids, Godiva chocolates and cellar wines. CHA-CHING!

  Tonight we’re staying in to watch the Godfather trilogy. I prepared turkey sandwiches, popcorn, and a couple of cold beers. I hope he wasn’t expecting a four-course meal because I don’t cook for any man. They get way too comfortable with that shit. He will be eating Lunchables while he’s dating me unless he decides to play Martha Stewart.

  The hour is approaching eight and he should be here momentarily. I went to the bathroom and I realized my hair was a little frizzy, so I wet it a little to get my curls happening again.

  After I channel surfed for twenty minutes, my doorman announced Randy’s arrival.

  “Hi, hon,” I said, kissing him sweetly on the cheek.

  “You’re in a great mood this evening,” he said playfully, while walking into the kitchen. “Did something exciting happen at work?”

  My eyes were on the big gold box he placed gently down on the table.

  “Huh,” he insisted, expecting an answer.

  “What did you say?”

  “Never mind. I bought something for you.”

  I suppressed the desire to jump up and down and clap with excitement. Grinning, he motioned for me to join him as he opened the box. I stood over it with pop eyes as he slowly lifted the lid. To my horror, a tiny brown puppy was asleep at the bottom of the box wearing a big red bow around his silky neck. That’s when I noticed the holes on the side of the box.

  “He’s adorable; what kind of dog is he?” I asked, managing a fake squeal of excitement as I scooped the drowsy pooch gently into my arms.

  “A golden retriever. I knew you’d like him. I always think about you being alone in here and I decided to do something about it.”

  Was this supposed to be a guard dog? What an idiot!

  As Randy turned to sit down on the sofa, I briefly pictured him and the dog going back into the elevator and far away from me. But what the hell, he’s a good listener, enjoys sex, and is trying to get some more credit cards to keep me happy. I just hope all his future tokens of affection will be inanimate.

  I took a deep breath and carried my new roommate into the next room.

  Chapter 10

  SAUNDRA

  Daddy was upset when I told him about Evelyn’s idea. It was a quiet weekday evening and we were watching the big screen TV downstairs in the living room. A commercial that was hawking ridiculously expensive sneakers interrupted a program on the mystery of Stonehenge when I told him about the proposed engagement party.

  He had been reclining in the La-Z-Boy. Now, he snapped the clutch and the chair sprung upright. He frowned at me sitting cross-legged on our plush beige carpet. “Here, in this house?”

  “Well, Daddy, it wouldn’t make sense to rent space. We’re already going to shell out money for a reception hall. Besides, I think getting together in an intimate setting is the whole point.”

  “Do you realize what a difficult position that would put me in?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing,” he muttered.

  I sensed that I was onto something. “Tell me, Daddy.”

  He stroked his chin and didn’t answer.

  “Daddy?”

  “No one in Lola Smith’s family has ever laid eyes on me. What could I possibly say to them after all this time?”

  “They saw you at the funeral.”

  “Oh, yeah. Right.” He lapsed into silence again.

  I was afraid to ask the next question but the energy in the room had become real weird. Why?

  “Does mama’s family dislike you for some reason?”

  “Probably.”

  “Talk to me, Daddy!”

  “About what?”

  Now he was going to play dumb.

  “What they might be holding against you.”

  Daddy exhaled noisily. “Saundra, when your mother got pregnant with you, she expected me to marry her. She told me that. She also told her sisters that we were going to tie the knot. I’m guessing that when it didn’t happen, she was very embarrassed. I’m also guessing that they hate me for being another guy who let her down.”

  “This isn’t like you, Daddy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It isn’t like you to put your own interests before mine. I mean, this engagement party is about me and Yero and the children we’re going to have. It’s not about you or your discomfort. I’m very disappointed in you right now.”

  He looked like I had slapped him. “Aw, baby, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m being selfish.”

  “Daddy, can I ask you something?”

  Now he looked wary. “Yes, but I’m not promising to answer.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “Are you ever going to marry Evelyn?”

  He looked relieved that it wasn’t another question about Mama or her family. “No, Saundra.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  I was truly bewildered. “A long story? But you two are still together. If she has done wrong, why are you still in the relationship?”

  Daddy closed his eyes, then opened them. “I’ll tell you all about it someday, but not before you graduate and get married.”

  He held up a hand for me to be quiet and then kept on talking. “Just for the record, the only thing Evelyn has ever done wrong is to bring up the idea of getting your mother’s family
together in this house.”

  Not knowing what else to do, I stared at the television screen like it held the answer to the Dead Sea Scrolls.

  “How do you think Asha would feel at a party like that? I mean, at least you had me to take care of all your needs. The poor girl worked two fast food jobs to keep that dinky apartment together. Lola’s people wouldn’t help her at all. If I hadn’t sent her money, she would have suffered even more. Asha probably doesn’t want to mix with them any more than I do.”

  “Forget it, Daddy.”

  “Asha has always had it harder than you. I used to tell Lola that she leaned on Asha too much . . . always confiding in that girl about her troubles . . . it isn’t right to burden a young person with adult problems that they don’t know how to solve.”

  I had always known that Mama shared her problems with Asha. Maybe because Asha was the spitting image of her. Maybe because Asha was the eldest. No one would ever really know why and the conversation was beginning to depress me in a real big way.

  “Let’s watch the show, Daddy.”

  He patted my shoulder and sighed loudly. “I’d walk on hot coals for you, Saundra. If you want a family reunion here, just name the date. All right?”

  My words inched their way out through gritted teeth. “I said, forget it.”

  Chapter 11

  PHIL

  As soon as Saundra spat out the words “forget it” for the second time, I climbed out of the Laz-E-Boy, went over to the wet bar, which I’d installed right after buying the house, and poured half a glass of whiskey; I drank it straight down.

  “Don’t you want to know why I never married Lola?”

  “I already know the answer to that, Daddy.”

  “You do?” I struggled to look straight at Saundra but my eyes just wouldn’t focus on that section of the room. They grew so wide with fear that it seemed I could actually see everything in the house from the finished basement to the socks upstairs in my underwear drawer. I poured another cup of courage and drank it before daring to look toward Saundra again. Her face seemed blurry and indistinct. I couldn’t determine whether she looked angry or triumphant. I had known this day would come but it wasn’t supposed to be like this—the revelation was to have been mine to control. How was I supposed to explain the years of dishonesty?

  The liquor was making the heat from my sweatsuit unbearable. My sweat socks felt like snug ninety-degree heaters. I strained to see her body language through the whiskey haze. She didn’t seem tense at all. In fact, her wrist moved languidly as she clicked the remote control, surfing for another program. I opened my mouth to tell her the history behind my lies but something, perhaps the instinct of a cop, told me to just keep my mouth shut for just one more second.

  It was regrettable, I thought, that Lola had up and died just as I was beginning to live. It was also a shame that I came from a long line of men who did not walk away from their children. If I had been able to let go of Saundra, she wouldn’t be suffering through what must be unimaginable pain right now. I watched her stare at the television screen as though our relationship had not just changed forever. That was Patterson blood at work. Lola would have been crying, cursing, scratching my face and threatening to shoot me with my own gun. She had never been able to look disappointment in the eye, square her shoulders and soldier on as her daughter was doing right now. Lola had had a bad habit of taking on people and projects that any sane person would have run away from. Then, when they didn’t work out, she was not able to take responsibility for her poor choices. Oh, no! She would whine about being born under an unlucky star, cursed by fate and other endless nonsense that simply drove me crazy. Then, when that crisis had passed, Lola would go find another stupid-ass situation to get involved in and the wheel started to turn all over again.

  I was proud of Saundra. So proud that I put the cap back on the whiskey bottle, screwed it on tight and placed it back in the cabinet. Then, with a smile so wide that every tooth in my mouth was showing, I crossed the room and grabbed both of Saundra’s hands. I kissed her once on each cheek. “I should have known that you, of all people, would be in my corner. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”

  Saundra patted my shoulder. “I’ve known for a long time why you didn’t ask Mom to marry you, but don’t worry, Daddy. There are plenty of things you can work on before you ruin things with Evelyn.”

  I blinked twice. “Honey, it isn’t a disease. I can’t just take a pill and make it go away.”

  She laughed softly. “Sure you can. Twenty years ago it was different, but now doctors know how to treat people who suffer from commitment phobia. The success rate is quite high.”

  I pressed the palm of my hand against my forehead, murmuring, “commitment phobia.” I sank back down into the La-Z-Boy recliner, my shoulders slumped forward. My eyes found their way to the television but they didn’t see a goddamned thing.

  Chapter 12

  EVELYN

  It was early in the morning when Phil called to tell me off about encouraging Saundra to invite her mother’s family over for an engagement party. I had strapped on my gun and checked to make sure I had handcuffs. Then I set my navy blue policewoman’s cap just right on top of my locks when the phone rang. In the six years that Phil and I have known each other, we may have had two disagreements so his nasty attitude really caught me by surprise. I sat down on my bed and imagined that I was protected from his coldness by a warm yellow ball of light that was encircling my body. I imagined that the ball of light was impenetrable. That it couldn’t be pierced by bullets, fists, or words. With the light protecting me, I was able to remain unafraid and, therefore, calm.

  “Why couldn’t you talk to me about this before mentioning it to Saundra?” he asked.

  “You’ve never asked me to clear anything with you before talking to Saundra,” I said.

  “Didn’t I tell you that Saundra is the product of a one-night stand? That I never really dated Lola Smith? That the so-called relationship we had was just Lola’s imagination working overtime?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then what could I possibly say to the Smith family? Tell me that, Evelyn.”

  The yellow light cracked a little because the first time I got married it was to a very nice boy of eighteen. We were the same age. I was pregnant. Dad had been dead eight years and Mama was working long hours as a nurses’ aid. Jerry Turner and I loved each other, but while planning for the wedding, our families bickered so much that we just ran down to city hall and came back hitched. They had a fit! On top of that, it turned out that mine was a tubal pregnancy. I lost the embryo and almost died in the process.

  “Phil, I just didn’t want the kids to have any discord at their wedding.”

  “Well, just don’t say any more about it.”

  “Okay.”

  “You’re mad now, right?”

  “No, Phil. I’m not angry. I seem to be keeping my mouth shut about a lot of things these days.” Now where did that come from?

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  There was silence between us and I had to come clean before it became just too uncomfortable.

  “It means that I’d like to have an engagement ring, Phil.”

  His voice softened. “Look, sweetheart. Just let me march my daughter down the aisle first. Okay?”

  I couldn’t understand why I had to wait so long just to get a preliminary ring on my finger but the yellow light of protection had faded. I was vulnerable.

  “Sure, Phil. Whatever you say.”

  Chapter 13

  ASHA

  Clinique Superdefense Triple Action Moisturizer SPF25 was the only scent on my skin as I slipped into a black leotard, matching jeans, and a pair of Prada loafers to prepare for my next hotel rendezvous with Brent. The only fancy item I planned to take was a black Dolce & Gabbana snakeskin bag with a zodiac buckle that Nick had bought for me.

  “Meet me tonight at the Sherry Netherland,” he had whispered into my phone at work.
/>
  We never met at the same hotel twice. The poor fool honestly believed that this would keep Amanda from finding out about his affair. Why hasn’t someone told him just how resourceful a suspicious wife or girlfriend can be? Is he crazy? We can track a brother’s movements like a bloodhound chasing an escaped slave. But I didn’t care enough about Brent to share this basic fact with him. Besides, he is a forty-four-year-old man. If he doesn’t understand women by now, nothing I do or say will help.

  There was nothing out of the ordinary about his phone call but I still felt annoyed. It was getting harder and harder to spend time with Brent. He talked about the exact same things at the exact same moment every single time. I’d heard all his jokes and the punch lines weren’t going to change. He got on my nerves but not enough for me to quit seeing him. My savings account was fatter than Biggie Smalls and steadily growing. It was my old age fund, so I wouldn’t end up broke and ill like Mama. If I quit screwing Brent, then the rent, phone, electricity and cable bills would have to come out of my salary. There was no way I could ask Nick to pay them. He was already buying my clothes, shoes, and jewelry.

  I didn’t have the energy to find another married man to pay all my basic bills, and single guys always threw it up in your face when you didn’t do something they asked for. Married men went along with anything that would keep you from asking them to leave their wives.

  So, I would screw him, grab this month’s check and be home in time to watch Jay Leno, but dressing up for the occasion was simply out this time. I just couldn’t summon up that much enthusiasm.

  I drove my own car to the assignation so he wouldn’t have to drop me off afterwards. That would have meant making even more conversation with him.

  What the hell was wrong with me lately?

  Probably too much Nick Seabrook. Spending time with him always made it hard for me to enjoy the company of other men. This, of course, is exactly what happens to all women. A man gets under their skin and they stop handling their business.

  This type of behavior had to end.

  I put a big smile on my face and sailed through the hotel lobby like I had just arrived on the Concorde to have a tryst with P. Diddy.