His Secret Love-Child

by Marion Lennox

  Or at least good.

  Given the staffing in the hospital, they both knew they couldn’t venture far, so they confined their walk to the end of the cove. But as they reached the headland, Gina decided it was not far enough. So they walked to the opposite headland. Then they turned again-and again. Walking in silence.

  So many things unsaid.

  ‘We’ll wear the beach out,’ Cal told her, breaking the silence on their third turn, and Gina kicked up a spray of water in front of her and smiled.

  ‘Good. I like my beach a little world-weary. You have no idea how much I miss the beach.’

  ‘So where are you living?’ It was almost a normal conversation, Gina thought. Excellent.

  ‘Idaho. Same as when you first knew me, Cal. Some things don’t change.’

  ‘But you love the beach.’

  ‘Mmm, but my family and friends are in Idaho. So sure I miss the beach but where I live is a no-brainer.’

  ‘You always intended to go back?’ he asked, and she felt the normality fade as anger surged again. Deep anger. This water wasn’t cold enough.

  ‘Strangely enough, I didn’t,’ she told him. ‘Five years ago I came out for a break after Paul left me. Yes, I intended it to be brief, but then I met you. And then I thought about staying permanently.’

  ‘So you considered deserting your family and friends.’

  ‘I had hoped,’ she said softly, ‘that in you I might have found both. I was dumb. But I was young, Cal. I’ve learned. So it’s back to Idaho for me.’

  ‘You must know that I’ll want to see CJ.’

  ‘I’ll send photographs.’

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’

  ‘So what do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said, exasperated. ‘He’s my kid.’

  She thought about that for a minute, trying to figure out a response that didn’t involve anger. ‘Do you think,’ she said softly into the night, ‘that because your mother and your father were your biological parents, they had automatic rights over you?’

  ‘Not rights,’ he said, in an automatic rejection of an idea he clearly found repugnant, and she grimaced.

  ‘No. They had obligations, which they didn’t fulfil. But rights… You have to earn rights. If you love your kid then maybe you have the right to hope the kid will love you back. You’re at first base, Cal.’

  ‘He looks like me,’ Cal said inconsequentially, and his words sent a surge of disquiet through her. Like something was being threatened. Her relationship with CJ?

  ‘So do you love him?’ she managed to ask, and he seemed startled.

  ‘Hey…’

  She kicked up a huge spray of water before her, so high it came back down over their heads. Enough. This conversation was way too deep and she didn’t know where it was going, and she wasn’t sure how she could handle it wherever it went. And she was so tired. She kicked again and then suddenly on impulse she dropped Cal’s hand and waded further out into the sea. Her clothes were already wet. They were disgusting anyway after this night, so a little more salt water wasn’t going to hurt them. The moon was so full that she could see under the surface of the shallow water and…and what the heck.

  Walking forward to the first breaker, she simply knelt down and let the water wash right over her.

  It felt excellent. Her anger, her uncertainty, the way she was feeling about Cal…the way her hand had felt as if it was abandoning something precious when she’d released Cal’s. The waves had the power to soothe it all.

  This had been some day. The trauma of the baby, and then the accident, and Cal as well. It was simply, suddenly overwhelming. Now her brain seemed to have shut down as her body soaked in the cool wash of the foam. She knelt and let wave after wave wash over her and she just didn’t care.

  She didn’t know where to go from here.

  She wasn’t sure how long she knelt there, how long was it before she surfaced to the awareness that Cal was still with her. He was kneeling behind her. A wave washed her backwards and his hands seized her waist so that she wasn’t washed under.

  Maybe he’d sensed that she’d reached a limit where it was no longer possible to support herself, she thought dully in the tiny part of her mind that was still capable of thought.

  Or maybe he needed contact, too?

  It didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter, for there was no space in her tired mind to make any sense of anything. She was grateful that he was here and she leaned back into him but still her focus was on the water, on the wash of cool, on this minute.

  ‘The sea’s great,’ Cal murmured during a break in the waves, and she thought about answering but another wave washed up against her and she had to concentrate on getting her breath back. She spluttered a bit and thought, Well, that served her right for trying to think of something clever to say. Of anything to say.

  ‘Where do you go in Idaho when you feel like this?’ he asked some time later, and that was a reasonable question to ask, she decided. There was no danger down that road.

  ‘I drive,’ she told him. ‘The night Paul died I got in the car and I drove and drove. A friend took CJ home with her for the night and I think I drove five hundred miles before I stopped.’

  ‘I wish I’d known.’

  ‘Do you?’ she asked. She tried to shrug but his hold on her waist tightened.

  ‘Believe it or not, yes, I do,’ he said softly.

  ‘Your friend Hamish said you were really good at picking up the pieces,’ she murmured. ‘He also said you didn’t know what to do with them after you’ve picked them up.’

  ‘He’s got me tagged.’ But he didn’t sound angry. He sounded defeated.

  ‘I guess he’s a friend.’

  A wave or two more washed over them and they had to wait for a bit before they could talk again. But she was feeling the tension in him and it wasn’t going away.

  ‘Does Hamish being my friend give him permission to talk about me?’ he asked at last.

  She thought, No, this wasn’t about Hamish. But she answered him all the same.

  ‘It gives him permission to worry about you. Like with kids, commitment gives rights.’

  ‘Hell, Gina…’

  ‘Just leave it, Cal,’ she said wearily. She tried to pull away but another wave, bigger than usual, propelled her harder against him. His arm tightened even further.

  ‘I don’t think I can,’ he said unsteadily.

  ‘We need to go back to the hospital.’

  ‘We have unfinished business.’

  ‘I can’t think what.’ She tried to sound cross-but it didn’t come off.

  ‘Gina…’ Things had changed suddenly. The feel of his hands. The feel of his body…

  Once she and Cal had been lovers and suddenly the feel of his hands touching her had brought it all flooding back. The way she’d once felt about this man.

  The way she still did.

  Cal. He was her Cal. She’d fallen desperately in love with him five years ago. She’d spent five years trying to forget how he felt but now all he had to do was be here, touch her, and it was as if those feelings had started yesterday.

  No. Not yesterday. Now.

  And he could feel it, too. She half turned and he was looking down at her in the moonlight, the expression on his face something akin to amazement.

  What was between them wasn’t one-sided. It was a real and tangible bond, and five years hadn’t weakened it one bit.

  ‘Cal, don’t,’ she whispered, but it was a shaken whisper.

  ‘How can I not?’

  She should have struggled.

  Of course she should have struggled. She didn’t want this man to kiss her.

  She mustn’t let him kiss her. To rekindle what had once been…

  But she was so tired. The part of her brain that was used for logic had simply switched off, stopped with its working out of what she should do, what was wise, what the best path was to the future.

  All she knew was that Cal’s closene
ss, the feel of his hands on her body, the sensation of his mouth lowering onto hers, was transporting her into another space.

  Another time?

  Five years ago.

  She knew this man. She’d fallen in love with Cal Jamieson the first time he’d smiled at her. She’d told herself it was crazy, that love at first sight was ridiculous, that she wasn’t even divorced yet-but it had made no difference at all.

  This was her man. Her home. He was the Adam to her Eve, the other half of her whole, her completeness.

  Six, seven years ago Paul had walked away from their marriage because he’d sensed that there had been something more. She’d been devastated. She hadn’t understood.

  And then she’d met Cal and all had become clear.

  Paul had been right. That it had gone so horribly wrong for them both hadn’t been Paul’s fault. He’d gone in search of something he’d sensed had been out there. He’d been injured before he’d found it, but Gina had found it here.

  Cal.

  She was holding him tight. Tighter.

  What was it between them? She didn’t know. Pure, uncomplicated lust? There was certainly that, she thought. Her body was reacting to his as if there was some switch that sent heat surging in a way she hadn’t felt for five long years.

  He made her feel…

  What?

  Who was asking for explanations? Why waste this moment? She surely wasn’t going to.

  Her lips opened to his and she hadn’t wanted to be kissed-or she was almost sure she hadn’t wanted to be kissed-but she was numb and past rational thought and she was wet and his body was so close and their clothes were soaked, so soaked that they might as well not have existed, and his hands were wonderful and she could taste him and she was sinking against him and…

  And he was her Cal.

  The heat was overpowering. She was melting inside, turning to liquid jelly as wave after wave of pure hot longing surged through her body. She was responding to him with every nerve ending she had, from the tips of her ears to the tips of her toes. The waves were washing against them and at times they were up to their necks in the water, but it made it more wonderful. It didn’t take away the heat.

  Nothing could take away this heat.

  ‘Gina…’

  He was holding her close. Closer. She was merging into him under the water, her body curling against him as if two melting objects were merging into one. Her lips widened, her tongue was searching… She wanted this man so much.

  The kiss deepened, lengthened, strengthened, and with it came a strengthening of the bond that had been forged five years ago. It was a bond she’d thought she’d broken but she knew now that she never could.

  This man was her son’s father.

  This man was her love.

  But he didn’t know it. Not as she wanted him to know it, in a glorious acknowledgement that they could be a family.

  ‘You’re beautiful,’ he managed in a voice that was husky with passion. She’d drawn away as a wave had crashed against them but he’d tugged her back into him again and she had no power to resist.

  ‘You’re not so bad yourself,’ she whispered, before his mouth lowered again. She even managed a shaken laugh. ‘A bit soggy…’

  ‘Soggy’s good. Soggy’s great.’

  ‘Shut up and kiss me, Cal.’

  ‘Yes, ma’am.’

  What was she doing? she wondered in the tiny fraction of her brain available for such thought. But she knew very well what she was doing. She was taking what was offered right now because this moment was all she had. Even if Cal wanted to forge something from now on, there was no way he was offering himself. He’d hold himself independent, regardless. He’d drilled that hard lesson into his heart and he intended to stay that way.

  But just for now, just for this minute, she told herself desperately, there was no such thing as independence. Cal was a part of her and she’d take what comfort she could before she moved on.

  Tomorrow.

  For some reason the word slammed through her tired brain, smashing against the love and the heat and the joy, and she felt her body shudder. He felt it, as he’d feel a wave crashing against them, and he drew away again, holding her at arm’s length and looking at her in concern.

  ‘What is it, my love?’

  Doctor picking up pieces, she thought dully. Then not knowing what to do with them. Cal would always act with honour. He was so kind, so caring…

  He just couldn’t take the next step.

  ‘I’m not your love,’ she said, in a voice that was none too steady.

  ‘I’ve loved you from the first time we met.’

  ‘Have you?’

  ‘Of course I have.’

  But the bubble had burst. Reality was slamming back and with it a kind of sense.

  ‘Then what, Cal?’ she said, knowing exactly where this was headed. ‘What? If you do indeed love me, then what? Do you want us to stay together?’

  His face shuttered. ‘Don’t, Gina,’ he whispered. ‘Not yet. I can’t. Just let’s take this moment.’

  ‘Like we did five years ago? That ended up with CJ.’

  Where had that come from? She hadn’t wanted to say it. This moment could well be all she had, and to spoil it…

  But desire was being replaced by an anger that couldn’t be ignored.

  ‘I’m not suggesting we go to bed,’ he told her, and her anger grew.

  ‘Good. Neither am I.’

  ‘We have to figure something out.’

  This was ridiculous. They were chest-deep in water, discussing their future. Or their lack of a future. The waves were washing in and out, Cal’s hands still held her firm around the waist, protecting her from the waves’ force, and she was so close. But his face, his eyes…they said there was still a distance between them.

  Of course there was a distance between them.

  ‘Gina, do you have to go back to the States?’ he asked, and she stilled.

  ‘What are you suggesting?’

  ‘We need to work things out.’

  ‘Maybe.’ Be careful, her head was screaming. Be very careful. But there was a tiny hope…

  ‘Gina, you loved working in Townsville.’

  So I did, she thought. Because you were there.

  ‘What if I did?’ she asked, and managed to keep her voice steady.

  ‘You had your kids’ club. You enjoyed it. You loved the emergency work.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘If you were to go back there… Townsville’s only an hour’s flight from here. I spend a lot of time there.’

  The world seemed to have stopped breathing. She tried to make herself think. ‘So…why would I go to Townsville?’

  ‘I could see you,’ he told her. ‘I work a roster of three weeks on, one week off. I could spend a week at Townsville and get to know CJ.’

  ‘I guess you could.’ Her glimmer of hope had faded into nothing. Her voice sounded leaden, defeated. What else had she expected? she asked of herself. Fairy-tales were for storybooks. Not for her. ‘But where would that leave me?’

  ‘You liked Townsville.’

  ‘My family and friends are in Idaho.’

  ‘I’d be in Townsville.’

  ‘Once a month.’

  ‘Gina, we could see how it went.’ His voice was softly persuasive and he bent to kiss her again.

  But she was having none of it and she shoved him away.

  ‘Yes, we could,’ she said. Anger was her only aid now, but she had it in spades. More than anger. Pure, blind fury. ‘I could give up my very good job in the States. I could abandon my friends. But why, Cal? So you get to see CJ once a month?’

  ‘He’s my son.’

  ‘Prove it,’ she snapped. ‘What makes a father? A one-night stand?’

  ‘We never had a one-night stand. You know that.’

  ‘I know it. Do you?’

  ‘Gina, I’m saying that I’ve loved you.’ He put a hand through his sodden hair, raking it w
ith the air of a man past his limits. He was as exhausted as she was, she thought, and had to fight an almost overwhelming compulsion to reach out to him. But no way. No way! ‘These last few years have been hell.’

  ‘But not enough to reach out now and say let’s be a family. Not enough to even want me to stay in the same town as you.’

  ‘I don’t do-’

  ‘You don’t do commitment,’ she finished for him, almost cordially. ‘So what’s new?’

  ‘You know as well as I do what happens down that road,’ he told her, and he was drawing away from her now. ‘Look at what happened tonight. One minute these people had loving, laughing teenagers, the next they had nothing. You had Paul and he’s dead. And me… I learned that lesson over and over again. The only way of sanity is independence. You can love someone and stay independent. You must.’

  ‘Can you? Can you really love them?’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying,’ he told her, as if explaining something to a child.

  ‘Then you’re talking nonsense,’ she managed. ‘I can love CJ and stay independent? I don’t think so.’

  ‘That’s what I mean,’ he said wearily. ‘You’re caught. If anything happened to CJ, you’d break your heart, and why put yourself there?’ His eyes grew bleak and distant. ‘Of all the stupid, irresponsible acts. Stuffing up birth control. Us! Two doctors. We should never have messed up like that. For me to have put you through that…’

  And that was the limit. Her anger had boiled straight over to full-blown fury, a fury mixed with desolation, rejection and loss.

  She stared at him for a long, baffled minute-and then she reached out and hit him.

  A wave caught her just as she did, knocking her sideways into the surf. She’d hit his face but her slap had been deflected, much of its force lost. But she no longer cared. She lay where she’d been knocked, letting the water wash over her, thinking about not even bothering to surface, and when Cal’s hand reached down to grab her and haul her up she reacted as if his touch burned.

  She kicked out, a futile act in three feet of water, smacked his hands away from her and backed out of the waves. Dumb, useless tears were mixing with the salt water.

  ‘You low-life! Get away from me.’