Teaching Abby (Lone Star Family Values)

by Goldie Ledbury

  She winced as she remembered fragments of the conversation from the night before. She had made such a fool of herself, asking Holly about such personal stuff. How on earth was she going to face her?

  But when she walked into the kitchen, Holly was sat at the table, chatting to Calla and eating toast.

  “Morning, Abby,” Holly said easily.

  “Morning.” She sat and poured a black coffee.

  Calla looked at her sympathetically. “Can I get you something to eat?”

  No. But maybe something small would settle her stomach. “Umm, toast, please.”

  Calla nodded. “Coming up.”

  Five minutes later, Abby was looking without enthusiasm at a plate of hot buttered toast. Calla bustled out saying something about vacuuming.

  Holly cleared her throat. “Uh, Abby?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Abby, I’m really sorry about last night. I can’t believe I blurted out what I did about my marriage. I didn’t mean to drop all my problems on you. It must – it must have been the wine.”

  Abby looked at her in disbelief. “You’re worried about sharing your problems with me?”

  “Well... yes.”

  Abby sighed. “I was sitting here mortified because I’d shared mine with you.”

  An astonished expression flickered over Holly’s face. “But you didn’t. Well, not really. That was just... girl talk, I suppose. After all, how’s a girl supposed to know these things without someone to compare notes with?”

  Abby laughed, relaxing. “Thanks, Holly. I was so embarrassed when I woke up. I’m not used to drinking – I doubt I would ever have asked if I hadn’t had a couple of glasses of wine.”

  Holly shook her head. “Well, you put up with my ramblings – it’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

  “It certainly is.”

  The two women looked at each other, relief and friendship mirrored in their expressions.

  “I think this calls for a second cup of coffee,” Abby said. “A strong one for me.”

  Holly grinned. “Seconded.”

  Later that afternoon, after Holly had returned home, Abby was in the barn feeding a calf with a bottle. Her headache had cleared a little, and she was feeling much better physically. Mentally, too, she had to acknowledge. Holly’s reassurance that her desires were normal had released a knot of anxiety she hadn’t even realized had been there, and she felt liberated. She still couldn’t imagine herself taking the initiative with Mac, but at least she didn’t feel as if she was somehow abnormal in wanting to.

  The little calf looked up at her with limpid, trusting brown eyes and Abby smiled, stroking his fuzzy head as he sucked enthusiastically on the bottle. “There,” she said, as he finished the last drop. “Soon, you’ll be out on the prairie, grazing for yourself.”

  She stood up, and stretched. The calf was the last of four who had needed a feed. She picked up the bag with the bottles in, and turned to find Mac watching her.

  “Oh! I didn’t know you were there.” She smiled and gestured to the bottles. “I was just giving the little one here his meal. He’s the last one that needs doing until six.”

  Mac nodded. “Calla said you were here. I came to see if you fancied going for a picnic?”

  Abby’s mouth fell open. “A picnic? But… what about work? Weren’t you going to fix the fencing in the South Pasture?”

  “Jeb and Nick are down there with a couple of hands.” He smiled. “There are some advantages to being the boss. And playing hooky occasionally is one of them.”

  It was? That was news to her. In the months since they’d been married, they’d worked hard, and had never taken time off for themselves. Still, she wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. The chance to see Mac alone in the day was too good to pass up. She felt a shiver of pleasure at the thought of spending a couple of hours alone with him. It would be lovely to just relax and talk without the hustle and bustle of the ranch around them.

  “Okay, sounds wonderful,” she said. “Just let me change, and we’ll go.”

  He nodded. “I thought we’d ride out to Hunter’s Creek. It’s not too far and it’s a beautiful spot. I don’t think you’ve ever been there?”

  “No, I haven’t,” she said. “There’s still a lot of the property I haven’t seen.”

  Smiling, he said, “It’s quite secluded. There’s a small lake; it’s very pretty. I used to go there when I was a boy and needed to get away from things. I’ve never taken anyone there before.”

  “Oh.” She wondered at his wording. Did he need to get away from things now? Was something bothering him? “Well, I’ll count myself privileged to go there then,” she said lightly.

  She walked past him into the aisle, and he caught her lightly by the arm and swung her round to face him. “How are you doing honey?” he asked, softly. “You were a little the worse for wear last night.”

  She looked into his concerned blue eyes and felt herself melt at the tenderness in them. “I’m okay now,” she said. “Felt a bit rough this morning but toast, tea and sunshine have picked me up.”

  “Good.” He lowered his head and kissed her. Her breath hitched at the warm masculine taste and scent of him, and unconsciously she pressed herself against him, thrilling in the feel of his hard, muscled body against hers. How she loved being married, loved knowing that this gorgeous man was hers to have and to hold.

  When he broke off the kiss they were both breathless. “You’d better go and get changed, honey,” he said unsteadily. “Or I’m going to lay you down in that stall and finish what we’ve started.”

  “Oh!” Abby sighed, looking wistfully at the pile of straw in the corner. “If only—”

  He laughed gruffly, a shaken, appreciative sound. “It would be too prickly, sweetheart, and not private enough. I wouldn’t want one of the hands walking in here and getting an eyeful of my wife!”

  She chuckled, imagining the scene.

  “I guess you’re right,” she sighed. “Still, it’s a nice fantasy.”

  His eyes darkened to a deep violet, and he breathed deeply. “You’d like to make love outside?”

  She looked at his intent expression and suddenly realized what he was asking. He’d said the lake was secluded. Was he thinking…

  She remembered Holly’s advice to be more open about her feelings. With a shy smile in her eyes, she nodded. “I would if it was somewhere private. With the sun on us…”

  He swallowed hard. “I’d like that, too,” he whispered. He kissed her again, and the hunger in him made her gasp. She felt an answering fire and knew that if she didn’t get out of there in a minute, she’d be wrestling him down on the straw, ranch hands notwithstanding.

  Drawing away, she took a trembling breath. “Ten minutes,” she muttered, “and we’re out of here.”

  His eyes blazed. “I’ll be counting them.” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. His body was rock hard and she gasped. “Oh, what you do to me,” he muttered. “I must be the luckiest man alive.”

  Reaching up, she kissed him firmly. “It’s what I want to do to you that you should be worried about!”

  They rode to the lake, enjoying the beauty of the plains and the distant mountains. The air smelt fresh, the sky was a vivid, brilliant blue and the world seemed impossibly serene. Purple columbines and tall red and yellow Indian paintbrush flowers swayed among the long grass.

  Abby felt vividly aware of the powerful man riding beside her, his strength evident in every line of his lean body as he moved fluidly on his horse. At the same time, she thought he seemed quiet. The ardent lover in the barn seemed to have turned into a rather withdrawn, taciturn man, and his face looked thoughtful and slightly somber. She remembered his words in the barn, and wondered again if something was worrying him.

  In less than an hour, Mac turned down a rough track. They rode through pines, and finally emerged in a sheltered clearing, with a small, beautiful lake.

  “Oh, it’s lovely!”


  He turned and smiled, dismounting easily and wrapping his big hands around her slender waist to lift her from the saddle. “I thought you’d like it.”

  He held her firmly as he lowered her gently to her feet. She felt the warmth of his hands and shivered. But he released her, and said, “let’s go and sit on the grass near the lake.”

  He took a blanket roll from his saddle, and walked with her to the water’s edge. Unfolding it, he laid it on the soft turf. “Have a seat, honey.”

  She sat down on the woolly blanket and glanced up at him. His expression was tender but somehow remote. Abby frowned. Something was really wrong. Her stomach knotted.

  He sat down beside her and looked out at the still water. His arms rested loosely on his knees, but his hands were clenched into fists.

  Cautiously, she reached out and stroked out one tight hand. “Mac, what is it?”

  There was a long, tense silence and then his head bowed. “Abby, I think we need to talk.” His voice was husky.

  “What about?”

  He sighed. “I didn’t mean to do this. Not now. In the barn, I just wanted to bring you here, make love to you, enjoy some time together. But I can’t. Not when I feel like this. Like there’s something unsaid between us.”

  “Mac,” she said in a low voice. “You’re worrying me. Just tell me.”

  He ran a rough hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean to, but I overheard your conversation with Holly last night. I was walking back from the barn, and I heard you talking...”

  Abby jerked away from him, shocked. Of all the things he could have said, she hadn’t expected this! She felt a wave of embarrassment flood over her, and knew her cheeks were scarlet. She felt exposed, shamed. She stared at the soft wool weave of the blanket with mortified eyes. What must he think of her? Was he disgusted? Horrified at what she’d revealed? Angry that she’d told Holly?

  “And?” Her voice was flat.

  “And?” He turned to look at her, and his eyes widened at her remote expression.

  She looked up and glared at him, feeling defensive. “Well?”

  “Abby!” he groaned. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t look like that!” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her close. She stiffened.

  “I was angry, Abby. When I heard what you said, I was angry with myself. That I hadn’t spent enough time talking to you, reassuring you, making sure you were happy with the way things were going in the bedroom. I’m your husband. I should have realized there was something on your mind.”

  She pulled out of his embrace and wrapped her arms tightly around her knees. “No, you shouldn’t have,” she said. “I hid how I felt. I didn’t want you to know.”

  She stood up quickly, missing his involuntary wince, and walked to the water’s edge, rejection clear in every line of her body. Even though she knew he hadn’t listened deliberately to her conversation with Holly she still felt irrationally angry, both with herself and him. This whole situation had come about because of her inability to speak about intimate things with him, and now she was in a position where she was being forced to talk about them before she felt ready.

  Well, she was nothing if not a fighter. She would deal with her shyness and inhibitions and learn to speak to him. He was her husband. Did she want to spend her whole life unable to communicate with him about something so fundamental to their happiness?

  She straightened. Still staring out at the serene lake, she said harshly, “So, what was your reaction to what I said? Do you think I’m... abnormal... wanton... to want to do things like that?”

  “What? No!” He sounded shocked. He leapt up, and strode across to catch her by the arm. Spinning her round to face him, he stared down at her with blazing eyes. Tension vibrated through him. “Do you think I’m abnormal for wanting to make love with you?” he asked. “For wanting to kiss you, and lick you, and touch you and taste you?”

  “No!”

  “So why on earth would I think badly of you for wanting the same?”

  “Because I’m a woman!” she almost yelled. Did he not understand?

  Clearly he didn’t, because he stared at her with confusion in his eyes. “So?”

  Pure frustration flashed across her features. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to act! I was raised on a farm without any women. Until recently I didn’t have any female friends! I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, what I’m supposed to be like as a wife. I’ve looked at the Internet, but it all seems over the top and weird. I’ve read things, but the heroines either want to be tied up or keep swooning! I don’t know what’s normal... what’s acceptable for a real woman to want and do in bed!”

  Mac paused, understanding washing across his tense features. “Abby… Abby… why didn’t you tell me any of this? You must have been worrying yourself sick.”

  “Oh!” She ran a shaking hand through her long chestnut hair, pushing the silky strands back from her face with impatient fingers. “Don’t you understand? How could I tell you? You’re my husband! What if what I want is odd, or wrong? You might have been repulsed! I could have put you off me for life, and then what? I love you, I was too afraid to risk it.”

  “Afraid to—” He swallowed hard, then looked down at her with fierce eyes. “Now you listen to me, Abby. You’re my wife and nothing you do will ever put me off you. I love you, and I want you and that’s never going to change! And as for worrying about how to behave in bed, let me tell you this. I want you in my bed, sweetheart. Not the person you think I want, or the person you think you should be. I don’t want you to think twice about what you think you should feel or desire. Whatever you want to do, just do it! Whatever you want, without any hesitation.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing. When I married you I made my vows. I gave you my body. It’s yours to do with as you want. I know you won’t harm me. If you do something and I don’t like it, I’ll tell you. It’s as simple as that.”

  She looked up at him, shocked. It was clear that he meant every word. Her mouth dried. She could do anything with him? Without reservations or inhibitions? She swallowed. It wouldn’t be an easy thing for her to do. She was shy and inexperienced, but oh, she wanted him so very, very much.

  He reached out and stroked the downy skin of her cheek. “You’re a brave and passionate woman, Abby, that’s why I love you. You can be brave in this, as well. Show me yourself. Your real self. The truly passionate woman inside.”

  She felt tears welling, and blinked them back impatiently. What he was offering sounded so impossibly perfect – but what if she did it, and then he was repulsed?

  He saw the doubt flicker in her eyes and his jaw clenched. “Honey, the view that women are supposed to lie back and think of England went out with the ark. I know your upbringing was sheltered but surely you didn’t think that you shouldn’t enjoy lovemaking?”

  “N-no. I didn’t think that. But should I want it so much?”

  “Oh, honey, of course you should. I’m glad that you do. What kind of crazy husband would I be if I didn’t want my wife to desire me? When I heard you say that last night, I could have danced for joy.”

  He stopped and a dull flush ran over his cheekbones. He looked like a man who’d just thought of something awful. “But… but I realize now that I haven’t been completely honest with you either.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  His eyes slid away from her searching gaze. He let go of her and absently folded his arms around himself. An expression that looked suspiciously like shame washed across his face. “I... I’ve wanted to do so much more in bed with you, since we were married.” He paused as Abby paled. “Oh, don’t misunderstand me, what we’ve done together has been wonderful… glorious, in fact. But…but I was so aware that you were an innocent. I was afraid to tell you... to do more... ask you for more... in case I shocked you. When I kissed you... intimately... I’d been dreaming of it for weeks, and finally I couldn’t resist it any more. But the morning after, you were so reticent I thought I
’d blown it, that I’d shocked you.”

  She stared at him in consternation. “You’ve been holding back, worried about what I’d think?”

  He stared at his boots. “Yes. I know you like what we do in bed, but you’ve just been responding to me, not really taking the initiative. I was afraid that if I went any further, or encouraged you to touch me like that, you might be repulsed.”

  “And all the while, I’ve been afraid that you might not like it if I...” Words failed her. A terrible thought occurred. “If you hadn’t overheard my conversation with Holly, we could have carried on misunderstanding one another for months – years!”

  Mac swallowed. “I know. And it’s all my fault. If I’d been more honest with you in the first place—”

  “No. I should have confided in you.” Abby’s shoulders slumped. “We’re idiots.”

  Mac laughed softly. “Yes, we are.” He hesitated, and then said, “I propose a new rule. From now on we have to be honest with each other, and tell each other when something worries us.”

  “Mmm.”

  Abby stared down at the lake. The sun shone and sparkled off the water. She stuffed her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, thinking.

  “What is it?” Mac asked, quietly.

  She took a deep breath. “You overheard my conversation last night. Today, you couldn’t even make love to me because you hadn’t cleared the air. But I’ve been worrying about this for weeks, and yet I went on as normal, making love with you, not saying anything to you.”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t realize it at the time, but now it feels as if I’ve been lying to you. Not deliberately, but... by omission.”

  She heard Mac sigh, and then he put his arm around her shoulder, and pulled her close. “It’s okay, honey,” he said. “I should have made more time for us to talk. You’re new to all this, and I should have guessed you’d find it difficult to say what you wanted.”