Savvy knew. “His girlfriend?” She tried to say the words casually, but some of her intensity must have filtered through because Kerrianne leaned over and peered around the seat.
“LaNae,” she said. “You met her, I think.”
“Oh, yeah. Briefly. Right after my mission.”
Kerrianne reached out to touch her arm. “For what it’s worth, Savvy, we–the whole family–all hoped that you and he would . . . Well, LaNae is a nice girl.” She withdrew her hand from Savvy’s arm.
“I hope she likes California,” Savvy said. Her heart felt tight, but she ignored the feeling.
Kerrianne gave a delicate snort. “Once my mother gets wind of Tyler putting in resumes, she’ll try to talk him out of it. She’s having a hard enough time with Mitch being out of the country so much. Not that she complains. She can see how happy they are.”
“I guess in the end, that’s what matters, isn’t it?” Savvy sat back in her seat. “That your children are happy.” She thought of her birth father as she said this. Could it be that he had honestly cared about her welfare? After seeing Lexi, Savvy had a more difficult time believing it than before.
“Yes.” Kerrianne glanced again out the window. Tyler was talking to a man who had opened the door. In less than a minute, he was hurrying back down the walk with Lexi skipping to keep up with him.
“She was staying here, but she moved to another condo,” Tyler said. “Down this street, turn left, second condo on the right.”
The second condo looked similar to the other, but its well-kept flowerbed sported an orderly array of bright blossoms. Savvy recognized a few–pansies, carnations, snapdragons–but there were others she didn’t know.
“This is how it’ll go,” Tyler said as they all went up the walk together. “We’ll give her the photo album Manda sent for her, talk a little to break the ice, and then I might need to talk to her alone about the kids. I don’t want her to feel like we’re ganging up on her.”
“When it gets to that point, we’ll suddenly decide to wait in the car or something.” Kerrianne rang the bell. “It’ll work out.”
Standing between Savvy and Tyler, Lexi bounced on her heels. Her eyes were bright with excitement and curiosity. Impulsively, Savvy reached for her hand and squeezed it briefly. Lexi gave her a brilliant smile that made Savvy feel hopeful that Lexi was beginning to trust her.
The door opened and a petite woman stared at them in surprise. “Oh,” she said. “You’re not . . . I was expecting . . . Hello. Can I help you?”
Even if Savvy hadn’t known they were going to see Paula, she would have recognized the woman because she had an uncanny resemblance to her son, Kevin. She had a lovely, childlike, heart-shaped face with large sleepy blue eyes. Her hair was blonde, but tastefully so instead of the flagrant bleach job she’d once sported. She’d grown her hair out, and it was almost as long as Savvy’s. By the dim light of the porch, Savvy marveled at how young she looked at thirty-one, though by rights her face should show the ravages caused by years of drug and alcohol abuse.
“Hello,” Tyler said, stepping slightly forward. “You probably don’t remember me. I’m your cousin Blake’s brother-in-law. I met you when you came to see Kevin in Utah about two years ago.” He pointed to Savvy. “This is my friend Savvy Hergarter. She was there too. This is my sister Kerrianne, and last but not least, Lexi, Savvy’s sister.”
Paula was nodding delicately. “I remember you.” Her eyes met Kerrianne’s. “You look like your sister, Amanda, but she’s blonder, if I remember. But not as white as . . . what was your name?” She was looking at Savvy now.
“Savannah, but everyone calls me Savvy.”
Paula smiled, looking ethereally beautiful. “I seem to remember that now. But”–a sudden furrow marred her brow–“why are you here? Has something happened to Amanda and Blake? Or to my children?”
Savvy saw Tyler swallow hard. If Paula was still thinking of them as her children, would she ever give them up? “Everything’s fine,” he said. “We had to make a sudden trip down here, and Manda asked me to bring you some pictures.” He held up the thin album.
Paula sighed with apparent relief. “How sweet. She’s a nice woman, Amanda. I knew it from the moment I met her.” Accepting the album, she started thumbing eagerly through the few pages.
“Do you mind if we come in for a minute?” Tyler asked after she had seen half the pictures. “Or were you about to go out?”
For the first time, Savvy’s eyes slid over Paula’s black sleeveless gown that was at least four inches above her knees. Though her feet were bare, she wore black fishnet nylons, and Savvy bet her heels were near the door. This was not your average stay-at-home attire; Paula must have plans.
Closing the album and holding it to her chest, Paula gave a little giggle that matched her childish face. “I’m going out to dinner, but it’s early yet, and my date’s not here. So come on in–for a minute at least.” Opening the door wide, she waited until they were all inside before leading them into a tiny sitting room to the left of the front door.
After hearing so many negative details of Paula’s background, Savvy was pleasantly surprised to find the room neat and orderly. The furniture wasn’t new, but the couch, love seat, end tables, and bookcase matched and looked well together. For a heartsick moment, Savvy wondered if Paula had truly reformed. On one hand, it would be a miraculous event; but on the other, Savvy knew the despair her friend would endure if she lost the children she considered her own.
In the brighter, stark light of the small room, Paula’s face lost much of its childlike quality. Despite the heavy makeup, Savvy could now see the deep lines around her eyes and mouth, lines far deeper than Kerrianne’s, who was near the same age. Her sleepy eyes weren’t only sleepy but might actually have some damage as a result of her life choices. She was a woman who had lived too fast and too much in a brief period of time, leaving her face old and used.
Paula didn’t seem to be aware of the change the light brought to her features. “Please, sit down,” she invited breathlessly. Tyler sat with Kerrianne on the couch, while Savvy and Lexi took the love seat.
After seeing to their comfort, Paula excused herself and returned with a padded kitchen chair, which she set by the doorway, the only place it would fit in the tiny room. She sat and gazed at them, her fingers caressing the photo album on her lap. “So, what brings you to California?”
Tyler and Kerrianne quickly explained the reasons for their trip. Savvy noted how Paula responded to Tyler’s charisma and Kerrianne’s easy manner. Savvy herself felt uptight and uneasy, knowing how much the outcome of this meeting might mean to Amanda and her family.
“So, how are things going with you?” Tyler asked when he had finished his explanation. “This looks like a nice place.”
Paula regarded him a moment without replying. Then she gave a slow smile. “Things are really great. I have a job now, and I’m sharing this condo with a roommate. But she works a lot and isn’t here most of the time. And”–she ducked her blonde head almost shyly–“I’m dating someone. For two months now. I think it’s serious.”
“That’s great,” Tyler said, though knowing him as she did, Savvy could see that he wasn’t quite as happy as he pretended. A job, a condo, a boyfriend–all that might mean she was ready to have her children with her. Savvy saw the same worry in Kerrianne’s face.
“So you think you might get married?” Savvy asked.
“Maybe.” Hope lighted Paula’s face with an innocence that far belied her age. The expression hurt Savvy’s heart because she knew that feeling intimately. Once she’d felt that kind of hope for her and Tyler.
“What about your kids?” The words exploded from Lexi’s mouth, as though they were an accusation she had been holding onto for a long time.
Savvy’s heart lurched. She reached out to Lexi’s arm and squeezed, warning her to be quiet. Lexi’s chin went up in response, but she didn’t speak further.
Paula’s brow drew i
n puzzlement. “They’re okay, aren’t they?” she asked, her eyes alternating between Tyler and Kerrianne.
“They’re fine,” Tyler said quickly. “Great. Kevin just turned eight this month. He’s excited about being baptized.”
“Eight? My little boy.” Paula looked confused for a moment, and Savvy wondered if that was a legacy from years of drug abuse. “Has it really been that long?”
“Yes,” Kerrianne said gently. “Mara’s four now–four and a half actually.”
Tears welled in Paula’s eyes. “When I went to visit that last time, she called Amanda ‘Mom.’ ”
“Well, it’s a natural thing,” Tyler said. “Manda’s taking care of her, and she didn’t want her own baby calling her by her first name.”
Paula ran her fingers under her eyes. “At least my boy knew me, and I think he was glad I came. I talked to him last month on the phone. He sounded happy to hear from me then.” Her blue eyes pleaded with Tyler to confirm her words.
He nodded. “I know he loves you. He’ll always love you.”
She relaxed a little. “My boy loves peanut butter, you know. I promised to send him some peanut butter crackers and candies.”
Savvy exchanged a glance with Tyler. Paula was long on promises but rarely followed through. As though perceiving their thoughts, Paula arose abruptly. “I’ll get them so you can take them to him.”
Tyler stood with her. “Uh, Paula?”
“Yes?” She paused in the doorway, eyes still shining with her tears.
“Kevin doesn’t eat peanut butter anymore.”
“What! But he’s always loved it.”
“Last year he had a reaction when he ate some peanut butter and crackers. Broke out in a rash. It’s not life-threatening at the moment, but the doctor wants him to avoid all peanut products for a while.”
Paula blanched. “Did he say why Kevin has the allergy? Was it . . . could it possibly be because he ate too much as a kid?”
Savvy knew why she asked. Peanut butter crackers and peanut butter sandwiches were about all Paula had fed him when he was in her care.
“They don’t know,” Tyler told her so gently that his voice was as soothing as a pat on the back. “These things are difficult to determine. But it really doesn’t matter. He’s okay with it.”
Paula sat down in her chair, folding her small hands over the picture album. “Yes, he was always a strong boy.”
Tyler sat again on the couch but only on the edge, his body angled toward her. Savvy knew the seriousness the pose represented; she had used it herself during too many missionary discussions to count. Kerrianne caught the signal as well.
“You know, I think I’d like to call my mother-in-law to check on my kids,” Kerrianne said, arising smoothly. “I left my phone in the car.”
“I’ll go with you,” Savvy said. Lexi remained sitting, but Savvy reached for her hand and pulled her up.
“You can use my phone,” Paula stood from her chair, her wide eyes suddenly wary.
“Oh, no, it’s long distance from here, and I’d hate to make you pay for it. But thank you for the offer.” Kerrianne held out a hand. “I’m happy to have finally met you, Paula. I’m glad things are working out so well for you.” She hesitated a moment before adding, “Kevin and Mara are really great kids. My children play with them a lot.”
“I wish you could have brought them,” Paula said softly.
“It would have been nice.” Kerrianne moved toward the door.
Savvy knew Amanda would never have allowed Kevin and Mara to come without her. She was as protective as any mother Savvy had ever seen. She glanced at Tyler, trying to tell him with her eyes to go easy on Paula. For a moment, she toyed with the idea of staying, but she knew what he had to say would be better said in private.
“Come on.” She pushed slightly on Lexi’s reluctant back.
Outside in the van, Lexi burst into tears. “That was so sad. She’s a sad old, old woman. Why doesn’t she want her kids? Why would she give them to someone else when she’s still alive? It doesn’t make sense!”
“She did what was best for them,” Savvy said. “The children were seriously neglected with her. They needed care and love.”
“They needed their mother!” Lexi shouted.
Savvy knew Lexi was reacting more because of her own loss than out of any concern for Kevin and Mara. “Oh, Lexi,” she said. “They have a mother now–a real mother. Amanda loves them more than Paula ever did.”
Lexi refused to be comforted. She hunched over and held her stomach. “It’s wrong,” she muttered. “Wrong. She should fight for them. She should be there to make sure they’re okay. She shouldn’t give up.”
“Lexi, please.” Savvy reached toward her sister.
Lexi jerked away. “Leave me alone.”
Savvy had no choice but to comply. She gazed at Kerrianne, who lifted her slight shoulders in a helpless gesture. “Let her cry it out,” she mouthed. “Sometimes that helps.”
Savvy crossed her arms over her stomach as Lexi’s sobs continued to fill the van.
Chapter Ten
Tyler waited until Paula had returned to her seat before picking up the conversation. She regarded him warily, as though wondering why he had not left with the others. She had set the picture album on her bookshelf, and now her fingers twined in her lap.
“Some time ago,” Tyler began, “Kevin asked Manda and Blake if he could call them Mom and Dad.” Paula showed no surprise at the announcement, but he paused to let the information sink in. “Manda was really uncertain about it because she didn’t want to deny your relationship with him. When she asked him why, he said he wanted to be like other kids. He wanted a mom and a dad of his own. He didn’t want to be different.”
Paula’s chin wobbled slightly. “I guess I can understand that.”
Tyler remembered the stories of how arrogant, selfish, and demanding Paula had been in past years, but she seemed to have at least learned something in the school of life. Unless this vulnerability was an act.
“It doesn’t mean you’re not his mom,” he continued, “or that he doesn’t love you. But rather it shows how much he feels a part of Blake and Manda’s life.”
“Well, Blake’s had him as much as I did.”
Tyler nodded, faintly surprised that she admitted to the fact. “Well, three and a half years have passed since you gave Blake custody, and during that time, he and my sister have been praying and hoping you’d find your way.” He stopped, unsure how to continue.
“I think I have–finally,” she whispered. “But are you saying . . . ? I know they’ve had their own baby now, but I don’t know if I’m ready to . . . I don’t think I can. Maybe in a while but now . . . Kurt . . . he’s not ready for children . . . and I don’t–Oh!” Her tears were falling rapidly, and she covered her face with her hands. “Am I such a terrible person that I could choose him over my own children?” She sobbed loudly for a long minute, and Tyler felt compassion for her. He made a sympathetic noise in his throat and waited for her to calm down.
After an interminable time, she raised her eyes, now rimmed with smeared mascara. “But it’s not really that.” Her eyes pleaded for him to understand. “You see, Kurt’s the one who helped me get clean. It’s taken me all these years. I couldn’t have done it alone. But without the drugs, I’m not as tough as I used to be. I sometimes have panic attacks that leave me unable to get out of bed. And without him . . .” She couldn’t finish.
He nodded. “I understand.” But he didn’t–not really. He knew addictions were strong and all-consuming, but having never experienced one, he didn’t really feel how they absorbed a life, transforming it into something ugly. How they twisted a woman into a person capable of neglecting or abandoning her own children.
“Kevin and Mara are happy where they are,” he said. “Blake and Manda are happy, too. They aren’t asking you to take them back.”
“They’re not?” Paula smiled tentatively through her drying tears. “Beca
use things might change in the future. You never know how things might change.”
That, thought Tyler, is exactly what worries Manda. After loving and raising the children, would she be expected to give them up? After all, Mara had no idea who Paula even was anymore. Yes, there had been phone calls and the occasional birthday present, but that simply wasn’t enough.
In the past three and a half years, Amanda had been terrified that if she pushed the issue of adoption, Paula would claim to be well and somehow take custody of the children, plunging them into the same neglect they had suffered before. Though it seemed hard to believe, Tyler knew his sister’s fears were not completely unfounded. That very thing had happened to Blake before their marriage. Paula had gone to court, somehow convinced the judge she was clean, and taken the children from him. But she hadn’t been well, and the children were in constant danger before she finally came to her senses and returned them to Blake. Blake and Amanda’s position was stronger now as official custodians of the children, but there was always a chance Paula would win custody.
“Blake and Manda love them as their own,” he ventured, wondering how far he should probe. “You know that, don’t you?”
“I guess.” Paula’s voice was barely audible. Once again, she was staring at her hands.
“You also know you can always visit the children as much as you want.”
Again came the whisper, “Yes.”
Tyler took a deep breath. “They realize there hasn’t been much opportunity for you to travel to Utah–”
“That’s right. I haven’t had the money. It’s been hard. I–” One hand rubbed at a flurry of scars on the inside of her other arm that branded her as a former drug user.
Well, it’s now or never, Tyler thought. “Maybe it’s time for Blake and Manda to consider adopting the children. Get them sealed to their family in the temple.” There. He flexed his hands. The cards were on the table–no, his sister’s dreams were on the table.
Huntington Family Series Page 69