Running Away (Finding Your Place Book 2)

by Rebecca Barber

  “That was good, Zoe. Now try and put your weight behind it.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yeah you can. I know you’ll do great.”

  “I can’t. What if…”

  Her eyes dropped. Something was wrong, seriously wrong here. My heart broke for her. I wanted to help her, more than I’d ever wanted to help anyone in my life. “What if what, Zoe?”

  “I hit you.”

  I barely caught the words, they were so shallow. She wasn’t afraid of me, she was afraid of hurting me. Well, fuck me…I didn’t see that coming. “We’ll be fine. Just take it slow. Try a left hook.”

  With her eyes wide and fixed on me, I smiled encouragingly. She was standing smack bang in the middle of a boxing class but didn’t want to hit anyone. At least that explained the bag. She could still do what she needed to and no one would get hurt. Slowly, Zoe pulled her arm back and let go. She had strength there. She’d kept it hidden, and I was caught off guard, but did everything in my power to not let her see the surprise on my face as it registered. She didn’t need to know she unbalanced me. I could already see she had no confidence and me congratulating her on it would only inflame the situation.

  “Good work. That was awesome. Want to go again?”

  “O-okay.”

  Ten sweaty minutes later we were both panting hard and my arms felt like soggy noodles. My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt great. I loved the endorphin rush. It was completely addictive. Who needs drugs when you had this natural high? I could ride it all day. And often I did.

  Grabbing my towel, I ran it through my hair and patted my face. I needed a shower, but that could wait until I made it home. The gym would be closing in half an hour and once everyone was gone, I’d head out too. Even though I didn’t have to be here today, I couldn’t not be. If I was here I might as well make myself useful. Even if that meant doing all the bullshit jobs, it didn’t matter to me. It was my business, if I didn’t care, I couldn’t really expect anyone else to.

  “Thanks, Mia. I…I had fun.”

  Zoe’s face didn’t match her words. It was like she was regurgitating what was expected, not saying what she really felt. It was truly painful and pitiful to watch. As much as I wanted to call her out, I didn’t want to make her feel any more uncomfortable than she already was.

  “Anytime, Zoe. If you want to, let me know when you’re going to do another class, I’d be happy to partner you. I’m here pretty much all the time anyway, so just sing out.”

  “That’d be great. Thank you. I better go call Derek.” Without another word, she scooped up her water bottle, slung her towel over her shoulder, and headed out.

  “Have a great night, Zoe.”

  I watched her walk away. It was sad. It was horrible. It was a reminder that I didn’t need.

  I was a determined and stubborn bitch sometimes―maybe more than sometimes―and Zoe was on my radar. I wasn’t going to let anyone go through what I did. I was going to help that girl, no matter how hard or how long it took. She needed someone to look after her. Someone to fight for her. Someone to teach her to fight for herself. Someone to convince her she was worth fighting. Her hunched shoulders told me that much.

  “Good session, Kenz,” I called out as she sorted the mitts into pairs, using the Velcro straps to secure them together.

  “Thanks, Mia. What made you want to join in? Checking up on me?” She laughed but it wasn’t real laughter. It was unbalanced and nervous. Even though she tried to appear nonchalant, I recognized the truth in her question. She was worried.

  “No, Kenz, not at all. You know I get fidgety when I have to do accounts. I thought punching someone was a healthy way of expressing my frustration rather than throwing the damn computer through the window.”

  “Cheaper too.”

  “Yep.”

  “What do you make of Zoe?”

  “Zoe?”

  “Yeah. The girl in the back. The one I sparred with?”

  “Not sure. I mean she tries everything I ask, so I can’t fault her there, but she seems kinda closed off.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing major, really. She just chooses to be left alone and not interact with the others. Why? You know what’s going on there?”

  “Not yet.”

  “But you will?”

  “But I will.”

  “Good luck, Mia. She looks like she could use a friend.”

  “Yeah. That’s what I thought too.”

  After I helped Kenz clean up the room and straighten the mats, we flicked off the lights and headed out. People were already flowing out of the change rooms. It took longer than normal with just Kenz and I going through the ingrained routine, but we got there. I craved a cold beer, and I never craved a beer. I thought about asking Kenz to join me but then I remembered I stunk and had other things to do, so I dismissed the idea as quickly as it’d come.

  With all the lights off, we pushed through the last door. I was stunned to see Zoe pacing up and down the reception area, chewing ferociously on her nails, shaking visibly with pure terror on her face. “Zoe?” I called softly. I didn’t want to startle her. It didn’t work. She jumped like someone had just stuck a red-hot poker up her ass.

  “Is everything all right?” Kenz asked, stepping into the centre of the room.

  “Yeah, Derek’s not…”

  Suddenly she was gasping for air. Her face was red, her eyes wide and terrified. Kenz and I exchanged worried glances. I had no fucking idea what was going on, but whatever it was, it was not good.

  Taking a step towards her, I stretched out my fingers, making sure Zoe noticed my movements. “You’re fine, Zoe. You’re safe. I need you to breathe in and out. In and out. It’s just me an Kenz here with you. Kenz is going to lock the door now and no one else will be able to get in. Is that okay?”

  I was praying Kenz was following along.

  I recognized it instantly. Zoe was in the middle of a panic attack. She needed to feel safe and secure. And I needed her to breathe. Desperately, I needed her to breathe.

  Sinking to her knees, Zoe puffed out the breath she’d been holding and sucked in another. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Mackenzie stepped towards the door and flicked the latch. No one was getting in now. I dropped to my knees in front of Zoe and reached for her hands. Surprisingly she let me grasp her cool, clammy palms in mine. This was all sorts of fucked up.

  “Just breathe, Zoe. In and out. In and out.”

  For a few moments, Zoe did exactly that. Her eyes were unfocused, but she was hanging in there. It seemed like it took forever before the trembling stopped and she pulled herself together enough to look me in the eye. It frightened the shit out of me. Whatever had happened to her had really fucked her up.

  “When you’re ready, Zoe, can you tell me what happened?”

  I heard the hiss of her breath as she sucked another in. I didn’t want to push, but I couldn’t help if I didn’t know. Physically no one had touched her, I knew that much. On the other hand, I had no clue what caused this reaction.

  “Here, Zoe. Take a sip of this?” Kenz asked, handing Zoe a paper cup of water.

  Zoe accepted the cup before her eyes darted back to mine, seeking approval. At least she trusted me enough to help her with her decision. “It’s fine, Zoe. Just some water. Just take a small sip.”

  Cautiously she did just that before coughing loudly. When the spluttering subsided, she looked down and saw her hand still wrapped in mine. “I’m sorry,” she whispered sheepishly.

  “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “And no one has to know this happened. I won’t tell anyone. And either will Mackenzie. Right, Kenz?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Th-thank you. I don’t know what happened.”

  “What do you remember, Zoe?” Kenz prodded softly.

  I looked over at her and noticed how uncomfortable she was. I’d known Mack
enzie since we were barely teenagers and I’d never seen her be scared before. Maybe that’s why we were such good friends. When I was weak, she was strong. She wasn’t used to dealing with stuff like this yet she was impressing me with how well she was handling it. Generally, I hid my crazy from her. Not because I worried how she’d react, but more because I’d be embarrassed by the pathetic excuse for my own life. She didn’t need to see that. No one did. Now though, watching Kenz cope and deal with Zoe’s breakdown was inspiring me not to hide anymore.

  “I finished up and tried to call Derek.”

  Okay, that didn’t seem like any big deal. From what I’d witnessed, Derek would never hurt her. In fact, he gave off the very distinct impression that he’d go out of his way to hurt anyone who did. There was definitely more to the story.

  “What’d he say?”

  “He didn’t.”

  “He didn’t what, Zoe?” I was lost.

  “He didn’t answer. I kept trying and every time it went to voicemail. I texted him and he didn’t reply. Now I’m stuck. And you guys wanna to go home. And I’m holding you up. I’m stuck.”

  “What do you mean, you’re stuck?” Mackenzie asked softly, crouching down so she was with us.

  “I…can’t…leave…not, not without…him.”

  Her eyes flooded with tears and my already strained and concerned heart shattered for her. Since I’d opened the gym doors I’d seen women of all types come through and hide from their abusive partners, others tried to hide from their own demons. Never had I seen someone so afraid to step out the front door. With that painful reality check, things started to make sense. Why Derek enrolled her. Why he was so protective. Why he dropped her off. She couldn’t be alone. Something or someone had made her afraid of her own shadow. What a fucking mess.

  I didn’t know what to do or what to say. How the fuck do I make this better? But just when I thought I was completely out of ideas, Mackenzie came to my rescue.

  “Zoe, do you trust us? I mean, do you trust Mia and me not to hurt you?”

  Glancing between us, Zoe’s eyes darted back and forth before she squeaked, “Yes.”

  “Okay. Good. Now my car is parked across the road. What if we gave you a lift home? Would that be okay?”

  Great fucking idea, Mackenzie. You deserve a bonus! Well, if bonuses fit in the budget. “We’ll be with you the whole time.”

  “I…can’t…”

  Fuck! I was sure she’d take up the offer. “Can you tell me why not, Zoe?”

  “I…I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

  I couldn’t hold back the sigh of relief as it fell from my lips. “You’re not a nuisance, Zoe. Never think that. You’re a friend. And that’s what people do for their friends. Right, Kenz?”

  “Right!” She smiled widely and bounced to her feet. I could have hugged her. Mackenzie was nailing this.

  “So, why don’t we get up off the floor, ’cause after two step classes, a Pilates, and a boxing class, my legs are shot to shit. What do you say we go grab ice cream on our way?”

  I didn’t want to admit it, but that sounded like the best offer I’d had in a long time. After my morning run, battling the accounts for a couple of hours, then the boxing class, a mint chocolate chip waffle cone was calling my name.

  “O-okay,” Zoe agreed, her voice wavering.

  “Let’s do it then! Everyone got everything?”

  When Mackenzie and Zoe nodded at me, I grabbed my bag from behind the counter, set the alarm, and ushered them out the door. The moment I heard the lock fall into place, I slipped my sunglasses in front of my eyes and looked at Zoe. She was frozen where she stood. Stepping beside her, I threaded my arm through hers and held her close. Fuck me! I thought I was a mess, but this girl was in a different league altogether. When Mackenzie mirrored my actions, Zoe’s rigid posture sagged slightly and we stepped off the curb and onto the street. Five minutes later we were safely tucked in Mackenzie’s bright yellow hatchback with the music cranking. After Zoe clicked the door lock, she seemed to breathe again.

  “Ice cream?” Mackenzie asked again.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Zoe in the backseat. She was clutching her bag like it was her safety vest. The fear was still there but she was a determined one, trying to force herself past the barriers. “Sounds good,” she offered, surprising us both.

  “Let’s do it!” I chirped enthusiastically. I cringed at the sound, but I had to keep playing the part. The million questions scattering about my brain needed to be kept to myself and I had to keep playing the cheerleader. And I fucking hate cheerleaders.

  Forty minutes later, Zoe was a different person. Gone was the fear and the shaking. Instead, she looked almost relaxed and more than a little tired. It was time to get her home. I knew what a panic attack felt like. The suffocating feeling that you couldn’t fight your way out. You were worried about everything. Every little movement scared the shit out of you. Every word brought even more fear and uncertainty. Then there was the inevitable adrenaline crash. One minute you were hanging in there barely, then boom! The next thing you know you were so tired you could barely lift your head up no matter how much caffeine or sugar you ingest. It was just another form of torture to put yourself through. It was that point when the demons in your mind manifested themselves into something physical. Something debilitating. Something overwhelming. Something paralysing. And ultimately, something embarrassing.

  “You guys ready to head home?”

  “Yes,” Zoe answered quickly. A little too quickly.

  “Let’s get out of here then. You all right to give me directions, Zoe?” Mackenzie asked as she started the ignition.

  “Yes. Left at the lights.”

  Settling back in my seat, I closed my eyes and forgot about the world around me for a few moments. I needed a second. Watching how quickly and how easily Zoe had crashed made me thankful I had my own shit under control these days. But it was a reminder that it could happen at any time without warning. It was something I couldn’t afford to forget.

  When Mackenzie pulled into the empty spot, Zoe grabbed her bag and vaulted from the car. This was obviously the one place she felt like herself. “Thank you so much for the lift, Mackenzie. And I’m…I’m really sorry about before. I’m not sure what…”

  “It’s fine, Zoe, really. I’m just glad you’re okay. And smiling.”

  “Thanks. Did you guys want to come in for a bit?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Zoe smiled. A real genuine smile. I got the distinct feeling that Zoe was trying so hard to keep her own demons at bay she was forcing herself out of her comfort zone. Way out. She was trying to make friends. As much as I just wanted to crash on the couch and watch crappy TV for a while, the overwhelming desire to be there won out.

  “I can’t.”

  “Sounds great.” Mackenzie and I spoke at the same time. “I’ve got to get home so I can meet Sean’s parents.”

  “Sounds fun?”

  “It won’t be. They hate me.”

  “I’m sure they don’t.”

  “Mia? I’m sure Derek can drive you home if you wanted to stay a while.”

  I looked at Mackenzie, she nodded. She understood. I loved that girl. “Sounds great,” I agreed. Even if Derek wouldn’t drive me home I could just call Josie or catch the tram, I wasn’t really worried. But the relief that flooded Zoe’s face made the decision irreversible. Instantly I knew it was the right one.

  “Have a good night, ladies!” Mackenzie smiled as I climbed out of the car and headed up the walkway.

  A moment later, Zoe pushed open the door and my eyes fell instantly on the bare-chested form snoring on the lounge. My mouth was suddenly drier than the Sahara. Seeing him in the gym and in the club set my insides on fire, but this was something else. Derek was spread out on the lounge, a bag of chicken chips on his stomach, his hand still inside, a pair of navy sweat pants hanging low on his hips. Mouth-wateringly low. And the bare feet. I never thought feet coul
d be sexy. Fuck me, I was wrong. His mouth was hanging open and soft snoring filled the room, muffled by the sound of the football on the television in front of him.

  “Want something to drink?” Zoe offered quietly as she passed behind me.

  Honestly, I’d forgotten she was even there.

  “Sounds great. I’d love some water.” My voice came out deep and husky.

  “Come on then.” She giggled.

  Glancing over at her, I couldn’t miss the mischievous smirk covering her face. I’d been caught red-handed practically drooling over her flat mate or best friend or whatever the hell he was.

  Chapter 9

  Derek

  Something was off. There was someone in the house. I went from dead to the world, the dried drool on my chin and the pillow confirmed that, to wide awake and alert. Grabbing my phone, I cursed loudly. The bloody battery had died. Suddenly panicked, I jumped up and raced across the room, tripping over my discarded runners. I didn’t give a fuck. Zoe was going to call me and I’d been a dick and let the battery die. What if she needed me? What if I didn’t get there in time? What if she was counting on me and I let her down? Again.

  “You okay, Derek?”

  “What? How? When? Fuck, Zoe!”

  I ran my hands through my hair. I was pissed. Not at Zoe, but at myself. I can’t believe I’d fallen asleep and let my phone die. She should kick my ass for that. I’d promised her. Promised I’d always be there. Promised I’d pick her up today. Promised I’d never let her down. I’d fucked up.

  “Derek, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m fine.” She moved towards me, and without even thinking, I opened my arms and let her step into my outstretched arms. The moment her head settled on my chest, directly over my pounding heart, I felt calmer. She was home. She was okay.

  Pushing her back, my hands were wrapped around her arms. “How did you get home? Did you take the tram?”