Grace: A Disgrace Trilogy Novel

by Dee Palmer

  “He…I…” I clutch at my chest as the breath to speak catches. The pain is unbelievable. I hold it tight; it’s the only thing that feels real. “I know just how much he wants this baby to be his…everything else…I …I don’t know.” I squeeze my eyes shut as the pain from my chest sears through me and implodes with the uncertainty. I have to know. I jolt upright. “I have to tell him before the ceremony. He has to know the truth.” I scramble to my feet and rush for the door like a woman possessed. I hear Sofia shrieking at me, but I am already down the hall banging on doors, and calling his name. My voice is hoarse from the tears and catches each time I utter his name.

  “Jason?” I drop my head against the last door when not one has opened.

  “Sam, sweetie, they’ve all gone out. Then they are doing the clay shoot activity. Jason gave me your room key this morning before he left.” Sofia approaches me with a soothing voice and a tentative smile. “Come on back to the room, crazy lady.” She gives a light laugh only her eyes are not quite smiling. I let out a shaky breath and take her hand, because right now, I have no idea what to do, and I need this guidance like a lifeline. She makes me sit on the bed and hands me my tea, which is now cool enough to drink down in gulps but I sip.

  “What am I going to do?”

  “Right.” Her voice is so filled with authority it makes me sit up. “You’re going to get dressed. We are going to go to the spa and relax. You will get your makeup and hair done, and then we will come back.” Her list sounds so simple and… “You can speak to Jason then.” I feel more stupid tears trickle down my face.

  “What if he doesn’t want to go through with it? I will be all dressed up and looking like a fool.” I sniffle. I hope this is the hormones and I’m not actually this pathetic.

  “You will look stunning, and he will want to go through with it, Sam. He loves you, and loves transcends everything. Trust me. I only speak the truth.” She flashes her brightest smile that even causes my lips to twitch in an upward motion.

  “You’re a romantic, Sofia. You have such faith in what you’re saying, I doubt you’ve encountered this type of situation.” I hate to highlight this sordid scenario, yet I do. Even if I personally don’t feel it’s remotely scandalous, to an outsider, this can—at best—look irresponsible. Much more likely, the reaction will be a mix of horror and disgust.

  “Maybe, but I’ve seen him with you, and I just know you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” She takes the cup from my hands and holds out a neatly folded pile of clothes, which I numbly take. In lieu of a better plan, I agree to do exactly what Sofia has suggested.

  My heart is aching and my head is a mess. I can’t think of anything except talking to Jason, because as fucked up as this is, I won’t walk down that aisle with an ounce of uncertainty. I won’t let my baby grow up with a father that isn’t all-in, not one-third. He has to be one hundred percent all-in.

  “Sofia!” I call out, a muted shout. Sofia’s hand is poised to knock on Sam’s door only to turn at the sound of my voice. I wave my hand for her to come to me rather than shout out again, which would defeat the purpose of my interruption in the first place.

  “Morning. Jason. You’re up bright and early. I was just about to wake Sam. Is there something you need?” She doesn’t draw breath, and I fight a grin because her excitement is infectious.

  “Morning, sweetheart.” She leans up to greet me with a kiss on my cheek and then wraps her arms around my waist and hugs the life out of me, making me chuckle. “Yeah, I’m excited too.”

  “I know right! I love weddings, and in that dress, Sam is going to be stunning.” She beams.

  “I have to argue that clothing just hinders. Her beauty is fucking soul deep.” I’m not given to sappy shit, but if I can’t express how I feel on my wedding day, then when can I? Besides, I have to test a little of this speech material out before I declare it openly to everyone later. Sofia’s face crumples and she whimpers.

  “Oh, Jason.” Her fingers press against her lips, but I can see that bottom one start to wobble. Result. “You’re going to make me cry.” She shakes herself and pulls back to give me a playful punch on my arm, her eyes are already welling.

  “Can’t have that, well not yet. Maybe save it for the actual speeches.”

  “Oh God, I’ll be a mess by then. The romance runs deep with this one.” She places her hand over her heart and sighs.

  “So I’ve heard. You’ve been fantastic, Sofia, and we’re both really grateful. This place is perfect. Today is going to be just perfect.”

  “Well, it will be if you let me wake sleeping beauty—”

  I stop her mid-sentence. “Actually, that’s why I caught you. She had a really late night. Maybe you could leave her for another hour?”

  “Really?” Her brows furrow with confusion. “It was only just after midn—oh!” She quickly bites her lip at my knowing look, her brows now shooting high on her forehead and her cheeks flashing pink with understanding. “Oh. You know you’re not supposed to see the bride before the wedding. I mean, you know that’s a thing right?” Her air is almost reprimanding but she’s fighting a smile, and it’s a losing battle.

  “And I won’t see her before the wedding.” She lets out an exasperated breath. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and steer her away from Sam’s room and back down the corridor. “How about joining me for breakfast?”

  “Oh, um no. If I can’t wake Sam, I still have to check the kitchen and that the ceremony room is decorated.” She pauses, counting on her fingers, obviously mentally scrolling down her internal to-do list, and not for the last time, I’m sure, I congratulate myself that I struck gold when I enlisted Sofia’s assistance. “I’ll give her forty-five minutes tops.” She offers.

  “Perfect, and you’re sure I can’t tempt you to some breakfast?” She shakes her head, gives me a frantic wave goodbye, and scurries off down the main stairs. I cast a glance at Sam’s door and pat myself on the back for having incomparable strength of will in not doing exactly what I just asked Sofia not too—well not exactly what Sofia was going to do. I would certainly do more than merely wake sleeping beauty. Jogging down the stairs, I head for the breakfast room. It’s no longer that early, my father and Will are still sitting in the bay window, picking over the last of the cold toast, having finished their full English breakfasts.

  “Morning, Jason. Sleep well? How are the nerves?” Dad pushes back and stands to give me a hug. Will tips his head but won’t meet my eye. We didn’t get to speak much yesterday, and I still need to rip him a new one for making a play for my girl, but not today. Today is going to be drama free and fucking perfect, because today Sam will be all mine.

  “You want some breakfast?” Dad signals to the waiter.

  “Just an espresso will be fine.” I take the seat next to Will.

  “Did you have a good flight?” I ask since he has yet to acknowledge my presence.

  “Fine,” he clips. Great.

  “So no nerves?” Dad repeats with a wide grin.

  “I have nothing to be nervous about, Dad.” I state emphatically, even though I know, coming from my dad, it was just a light-hearted question.

  “You sure about that?” Will mumbles. I stand abruptly, my chair crashing to the floor, and I don’t give a fuck who is now staring at us and the awkward silence that now cloaks our little table. “Outside, right now!” I storm off, leaving my Dad with a gaping mouth and a look of utter astonishment on his face. I hear Will’s chair move and his heavy footsteps hot on my heels. Once outside, I walk around the side of the hotel where there is a little privacy before I turn sharply.

  “I wasn’t going to do this now, Will, given that it’s my fucking wedding day and all, but since you’re being a total fucking arsehole…” I push him with both palms on his shoulders, and he slams into the garden wall. He steadies himself and straightens, though he doesn’t retaliate. My hands are shaking I’m so fucking mad. Adrenaline has my blood running at a temperature just below boiling. “
If you so much as cough during the ceremony, I will rip your fucking bollocks off.”

  “I won’t cough. I won’t say a damn thing…I…I…” His tight, angry face changes, and I feel the hurt in his expression like a fist around my heart. I blow out a long, steady breath.

  “Will, I don’t even blame you for falling in love with her. It’s what you did…You actually made a play for her?”

  “I know…I had to Jason, but I’m sorry. Really… It was low, and I’m really sorry man, truly. You think she’ll forgive me?” His features darken with genuine worry, and I take a moment before I answer. He did fuck up, and for that, he can stew for a few tortuous seconds before I give him some comfort.

  “She already has, arsehole. It’s me you have to worry about.” His shoulders lose all their tension and drop a good few inches. Heaving a huge sigh of relief, he straightens to his full height and pushes my shoulder back with a playful punch.

  “Nah, I don’t have to worry about you. You’re a good guy. You’re my brother, you’ll forgive me.”

  “Hmmph!” I snort.

  “Might take a while, but you will.” His confidence isn’t misplaced, but I don’t have to tell him right away; he doesn’t get off that quickly.

  “Yeah, just don’t go holding your breath.” I pull him into my hold and hug him. My tight embrace is already filled with forgiveness, because honestly, I don’t blame him for trying. We break apart, and an easy peace settles and is sealed with his next statement.

  “I’m happy for you, man. You deserve her. I would’ve fought harder if it was anyone else.”

  ”There is no one else.” I happily emphasize this point with my abruptness.

  “Yeah, that’s what she said.”

  “Are you two ready? The taxi is here.” Our dad calls over to us, a strange, guarded expression on his face. Will slips his arm over my shoulder, roughs my hair and lightly punches me in the stomach.

  “You need to get anything, or can we leave now?” Dad has the door to the taxi open and already has one foot inside. “I’m keen to show you two how to shoot properly.”

  “Yeah right, Dad, if the clay happens to fall at your feet maybe or the end of your nose…” Will jokes, laughing at Dad patting himself down in search of his glasses.

  “We’re good to go,” I interrupt. “Should we say goodbye to Mum?”

  “She left about half an hour ago with Aunt Sue to get her hair done. We have a good few hours before she’s back and fussing.”

  “Okay then, let’s go.” Dad sit’s in the front, and Will and I slide in the back. I chance a worried glance over my shoulder as we pull away. “I feel I should be there in case something needs doing.”

  “You think that young lady hasn’t got everything sorted and double-checked? Because I met her this morning, and I can tell you getting out from under her feet is the only thing you can do to help.” I grin at my father’s wise words.

  We reach the range and meet up with others from the wedding party, relatives and friends I haven’t seen in forever. Sofia really has gone above and beyond.

  “How did she find these guys?” I ask Will as I round the car and I slowly begin to put names to faces that have changed so much with the years.

  “She might’ve had a little help.”

  “You?” He nods and flashes a wide smile. His shoulders straighten with pride at my obvious pleasure. “So you weren’t so against the wedding then?”

  “Never against the wedding, just the choice of groom.” He jokes and wisely steps out of reach of my clenched fist. I won’t mark his face because of the photos needed later, but he is not so safe from a nut punch.

  “This is definitely a Kodak moment.” I reach in my pocket to take some photos of this surprise reunion. “Fuck!”

  “What?”

  “I left my phone at the hotel.” I pat all my pockets. I just know I left it on the bedside table when I came down for breakfast.

  “Use mine.” Will hands me his iPhone. I take it, still that doesn’t help the tightness and uncomfortable drop in my stomach.

  “I need my phone, Will.” I run my hand through my hair, and Will grabs my jacket sleeve and pulls me away from the crowd.

  “What’s going on?” He sounds anxious, which must match my expression.

  “We found the guy who’s sending the emails. James got his name now. It’s only a matter of time, and this arsehole’s time is running out.”

  “But not on your wedding day.” He lightly moves my shoulder back and forth, as if shaking some sense into me. I let out a humourless laugh.

  “No, obviously, I still want to know what he finds out though, when he finds it out. I have to be able to act, and without my phone—shit!” I look over to the crowd, my father’s worried eyes glancing my way.

  “Calm down for fuck’s sake. It’s a few hours, max.”

  “A few!” My hand grips the back of my neck because, despite his calming tone, Will’s information has done nothing to ease my tension.

  “Look, we’ll cut back after the shoot, not hang for the drinks, if that makes you feel better?”

  “Not really.”

  “Jason, I know this is tearing you up, but you can’t do shit about it right now. If you turn tail and leave, everyone will think there’s a problem. So just give yourself an hour and then I’ll take you back, okay?”

  “Okay.” He’s right. For the next sixty minutes, I just have to keep telling myself there’s no problem, until I know for sure there is no problem.

  “Good. Right. Let’s go and shoot some shit up.” He drops his heavy arm on my shoulder and moves us both to the gathered guns.

  “How you feeling, sweetie?” Sofia’s hand reaches over the centre console of the car for the umpteenth time in the short drive from the spa to the hotel. She covers my clasped hands with hers and gives a comforting squeeze.

  “I’ll be better when I speak to Jason.” It’s all I’ve said for the last two hours. The lady giving my massage gave up trying to ease the knots from my shoulders in the end. She joked lightly about the tension, but after a good twenty minutes trying to pummel the tight muscle into submission, she conceded defeat and moved on. Sofia answered all the questions thrown my way by both the make-up lady and hair stylist. The most I could manage was a slight smile when offered something to drink. I’m numb, and I can’t focus on anything. I moved when I was physically maneuvered. I stared blankly because the words weren’t registering, and in the end, we all just sat in an awkward silence.

  This has to be the least celebratory wedding day preparation ever. The girls at the spa must think I’m set to marry a monster. That couldn’t be further from the truth. He is a good man; he saved me. The car pulls up the drive, and the trees that line the winding road have large white silk ribbons tied around the trunks. The pillars around the porch have the same, and large bouquets of flowers I can’t quite distinguish are placed in every window. The country house hotel looks more and more amazing and magical as we approach. Fairy lights in the trees, more freestanding floral displays, so many flowers, the heady scent filters into the car as we drive closer to the front of the house. I glance up at the window and wonder if he’s up there. I feel dread surge through me like an ice storm in my veins. This might just be the last straw.

  I know he loves me, it’s just, I also know how he really feels, in his heart, about sharing me in the very real sense that having a child with another man would entail. I’m honestly terrified that this is too much for even the very best of men.

  Sofia nods again at my reply and parks her car at the back of the hotel. The front car park has started to fill with guests, and I let out a deep, shaky breath as saliva starts to pool in my mouth. I pant to try and stop the urge to hurl. Sofia has her door open and dashes around the front of the car, quickly opening my door. Concern fills her face when she crouches in front of me.

  “Slow breaths, sweetie, throwing up is not an option. It will ruin your make-up.” I sniff and laugh at her panicked voice. Leas
t of my fucking worries. I take a moment and stand once the sickness has passed. We take the staff stairs to avoid bumping into anyone. I have no time for small talk and pleasantries. There is only one person I want to see and need to speak to. I open the honeymoon suite bedroom door, walk in, and dump my bag just inside the room. I need to take the letter from the clinic with me, but it’s gone. The surfaces are all clear, and I check the waste bin, nothing. Shit. The room has been cleaned and the rubbish taken away.

  Never mind I’m sure he’ll take my word for it. Why the fuck would I lie about something like this? Sofia hovers at the door.

  “I’m okay, Sofs. Go and get ready.” I tip my head in the direction of her room and add a flash of a smile.

  “Really?”

  “Yep. You said so yourself, love transcends all. So go.” I shoo her out of the room, desperately trying to sound confident and convincing. She rushes forward and wraps her arms around me so tightly she takes my breath away. She’s surprisingly strong.

  “I’ll only be a bit, then I’ll be back to help you into that gorgeous dress.” She smiles brightly and squeezes me once more before turning to leave.

  I wait a moment and then follow her out and pause, hoping for some much needed strength to find me and praying quietly that I’m not about to crush the man I love with this news.

  I knock and the door swings wide before my hand makes contact with the glossy wood a second time. Will roughly pulls the door open and looks as shocked at seeing me as I am to see him.

  “What are you doing here?” He’s looking over my shoulder as he speaks. I look back to see what I’m missing, only the corridor is empty. “Where’s Jason?”

  “What do you mean, where’s Jason?” My voice is a little loud with confusion at his question.

  “Yes, what do you mean, where is Jason?” I hear a woman’s voice behind me, and I turn to see an older lady in a royal blue, satin twin set, a neatly trimmed dark brown bob, and exactly the same eyes as her sons.