It's Not About You

by Olivia Reid

  Not yet.

  We followed him past the front desk to a back room where he had stacks of papers organized with pens. A carafe and styrofoam cups were on a table to the right and he gestured for us to sit down. Once settled, Kevin took out his phone and attached a microphone and turned it on.

  He asked us to recount the events of the night before and we did, starting with me at the Redbox kiosk. Kyle told his part and then April told hers. Kevin listened, took notes even with the recording, and nodded. But I could feel his eyes on me too many times.

  We each filled out forms, wrote out what we told him, and signed them. He gathered them into a folder with Burt's name on it—and it wasn't a small folder. "I'm inclined to believe Burt will try and come to your house tomorrow, Grace. There will be enough of you there that I don't think he'll try anything stupid."

  April made a noise. "It is Burt we're talking about."

  Kevin smiled. "I've missed you too, April."

  I'd forgotten how much the two of them had enjoyed dissing Burt. Sometimes at my expense, especially when I just didn't want to think about him.

  That's when I started missing Michael. Really missing him. I still hadn't heard from him. No texts. Nothing this morning. I texted him before I went to bed and when I woke up. I checked my phone and when I saw there wasn't a response I was both worried and a little miffed.

  He could have at least texted a smile or something.

  "Grace? You okay?"

  "Yeah. Just thinking of all that cooking ahead of me. You're still coming, right?"

  "Wouldn't miss it. I was going to suggest posting a black and white in the neighborhood, but since I'll be there, no need." He took the folder and stood. We stood too and he shook our hands before he lead us to the front.

  He looked happy when we left him at the door. Once back in the car, April spoke up. "Hey Kyle, can we go by that grocer store over there? There are a few things I need and I won't have to pick them up on the way home."

  "Sure. But I think Grace wanted to have lunch somewhere."

  I spoke up. "We can store them at our house before we eat lunch."

  "What time were you thinking of eating?" April checked her watch as Kyle drove the car across the street to the shopping center. "The kids are getting out early today and they're supposed to ride with Aunt Winnifred to her house. But Winnie has a bad habit of watching movies on her phone and not paying attention to what the kids are doing."

  "I was thinking between eleven and twelve. Why? What time is it?"

  Kyle laughed as he pulled into a parking spot. "It eleven thirty."

  Oh wow. We were in the precinct that long? I pulled my phone from my purse to see the time for myself, but to also see if I'd received a text from Michael.

  Nothing.

  Not even an email.

  Worry set in. Was he okay? Did he even make it home? Did something happen when he got there? Was it serious?

  We piled out of the car and headed inside of one of the larger groceries. I didn't shop at this one that often because they were more expensive than the other large chains, but not as expensive as Whole Paycheck (Whole Foods). Kyle mentioned grabbing a few things in dairy as April and I strolled to the produce isles.

  Everything looked sparkling and new and I had to admit their peppers, though priced through the roof, looked good. I tapped one of them just to make sure it wasn't a plastic decoy fruit. The old bait and switch.

  April wanted to look at cakes since she was going to have to take a dessert to Brad's parents and didn't have time to bake one. The bakery there was huge so I tagged along behind her, picking up bagged cookies and brownies, fudge and cupcakes, taking a look at their price and putting them the fuck down.

  How could this place still thrive at these prices? Gah!

  I'd just meandered over to a freezer wall of ice cream cakes when I heard the voice. His voice. Michael's voice. But…how could it be him? He was in Oregon. I looked at an Oreo cake without really seeing it as I concentrated on the voice.

  He spoke in a low voice with someone. A girl. And then he laughed.

  I turned to greet him with a smile and a hug and stopped where I was.

  It was Michael. His hair was brushed back and he wore his silver glasses. His hands were hidden in the pockets of his leather jacket, above my favorite pair of soft jeans and his boots. And attached to his arm was woman. Long blonde hair, slender build and a pleasant laugh.

  They stood beside April at the counter and exchanged pleasantries. I couldn't see the girl's face but I could see his.

  My vision tunneled as I focused on him and a montage of our time together played out in my head as I tugged on the golden bean at my throat. His touch, his scent, his body beneath mine, his body above mine, his kiss… And with each memory the sound of breaking glass. Yeah my imagination was a bit dramatic, but at that moment I was beyond reason. Or thinking.

  I stood in front of the frozen cakes, a statue in my dark peacoat and jeans. I still had my hat on and pulled it down around my face as I watched the two of them pick out a beautiful chocolate and strawberry cake.

  I was so focused on them I didn't see April as she approached. "Hey…oh dear God what is wrong?" She stood in front of me, blocking my view of them. Seeing her face snapped me out of my stare and I blinked. That's when I realized I'd been crying. My face was wet and I turned around to see Kyle standing behind me. He was looking at the cake counter, his eyes narrowed and his jaw set.

  He had a few things in one hand but the other was clutched into a fist.

  "Don't…" I whispered to him and reached out for his hand. "Give me the keys."

  "Grace? What's going on?" April lowered her voice.

  I didn't know what to say. How could I say anything? I'd never mentioned Michael to her. She had no idea how hard my heart just cracked. She put her arms over my shoulders as Kyle took her basket.

  "April, here are the keys. You get your sister to the car. I'll get these things and be right out."

  "Kyle I don't understand. What's wrong?"

  And my dear, incredible best friend did something for me I will always be indebted for. "This happens sometimes. Memories of Burt and the things he said to her. She just needs reassurances that she has us. Take her to the car…I'll be right there."

  I started to let April guide me out of the store but pulled at Kyle's hand. He looked down at me and I was taken again at how beautiful he was when he was angry. "Don't. Please don't."

  "I can't promise that, Grace. Go to the car."

  And I knew what he intended to do.

  I just…didn't know how to stop him.

  I bawled. I mean I brought on the ugly cry.

  Not that I wanted to. I was ashamed to lose it like that in front of my sister. I was older and I was supposed to pull it together. But like the trooper she always was, she managed to pull order out of my chaos.

  "I'm so sorry, Grace. I never knew Burt hurt you that bad. I mean, I should have known. You've been living with a crazy person all that time. And now with the pressures of starting over, the financial stress, Thanksgiving and keeping Tanae in college…" She squeezed me tight and I just kept bawling into her arms. "I should have realized what Burt's showing back up and doing his old shit again would mean for you."

  Shit?

  My sister said shit!

  I wasn't surprised when my crying turned to laughter, though April was. She pulled back and gave me the craziest look. "What is wrong now?"

  When I could catch my breath I said, "You said shit."

  And that cracked her up too. She pulled me back into her arms again and we both laughed. "I do cuss, you idiot. I just save it and use it when it's needed. You use it all the time and the words don't have meaning."

  "You sound like mom." My voice was muffled against her.

  "Well…one of us has too. You're too much like dad."

  That I was.

  Kyle came back to the car carrying two bags and put them in the trunk. When he got into the d
river's seat he shut the door and turned to face us. "Everything okay there Grace?"

  I nodded. "Please tell me you didn't…"

  "No. But I made sure I checked out a few cakes just to be sure." He still looked angry and started the car.

  The drive back to the house was quiet and he put April's things in the fridge. "Ladies, because I know how much my fake wife here hates going out when her makeup's smeared, I bought a few steaks and we have plenty of potatoes. Why don't the two of you work on getting tomorrow's dinner started while I make us a nice lunch. April, any choice in wine?"

  "Oh it's still early and I have to drive home."

  "Soda then? Or I got sparkling water."

  "That's great Kyle."

  I took another shower first, just to wash away the sad. Didn't help much. Well, maybe a little. I knew going into this whole adventure with Michael that it would never last. I'm over ten years his senior. And I'm a divorcé with a child. Maybe that was it? The thought of meeting Tanae, or the thought of having to deal with a crazy ex-husband?

  But then I realized how stupid that all sounded and it did me no good to blame others for what was broken. A part of me was dying to ask what Michael's reaction was to seeing Kyle there, or if he knew I'd seen him and his other girlfriend. But I didn't. Not even after I joined them in the kitchen and started preparing the thawed turkey.

  Yeah, I started thawing it on Monday. Just kept it in the refrigerator.

  The three of us worked pretty good in the kitchen, despite it's small size. And the harmony building between April and Kyle actually boosted my spirits. But they knew I was sad. And when I'd stare into nothing one of them would hug me and direct me back to what I was doing.

  It's cold in November in the South, but there are days where the temperature is enough that the humidity makes it feel warmer. Kyle set the table outside under the arbor and rolled the awning down enough to block out the sun. The steaks were perfectly cut, and the potatoes tender and filled with garlic butter and sour cream. He'd warmed up green beans from the left over shelf and sprinkled them with garlic olive oil and slivered almonds.

  Kyle and I partook of wine and laughed and actually made April laugh. She told stories about her kids, especially about the bowel blockage of one of them and I was glad we were done eating. We finished off the cheese cake and by the time April had to leave, and we had a good bit of the Thanksgiving meal started.

  We hugged outside and she promised she'd be there early in the morning to help me get things ready. With a reminder to call mom again, she drove off and I wandered back inside.

  Kyle had already cleared the table and was putting the left over food away. "I suppose you want to know what happened?"

  "No. And yes." I put my hands to my face and gave him a dramatic pause. "I don't know. Does it really matter?"

  "He reacted, Grace. But it wasn't in a guilty way—or at least not in the way I think of as guilty. He immediately looked around for you, but I said you weren't there."

  "Did he introduce her?"

  "No, and I didn't ask. But it's good to know it now, right? Before Thanksgiving. Now you can get through the holiday and hopefully put some distance between you?"

  We'll see. I nodded to him and he recommended I take a nap. It looked like I needed it.

  I meandered down the hall to my room and flopped on my unmade bed. I imagined I could still smell him there in the sheets and made a vow to wash them that night. I was surprised at how fast I dozed off.

  ***

  Kyle let me sleep till after four. And I had a headache. I met him in the kitchen and saw he had pretty much everything nailed down. Except for one thing.

  "I don't have enough of those onion things."

  The smells of the chopped onion and garlic and ginger and herbs made my mouth water, even though I was still full from the steak. "Wait…you mean that one can I bought wasn't enough?"

  "Well," he said and looked really sheepish. "I wanted to try them in the stuffing."

  "And you used the whole can."

  "No. They sucked for stuffing, but they were a great munchy."

  While we talked I opened up every cabinet in the kitchen, looking for some kind of aspirin. "Did you put pain relievers in the stuffing too?"

  "No. We're out. They're on the list." He pointed to the chalk board.

  In the top left in white chalk was our weekly grocery list, which of course had been shot to hell this week because of Thanksgiving. And the last thing jotted up there in my hand writing was aspirin. I sighed. "I guess I'm heading to the grocery store for both?"

  "Unless you wanna go in the morning. I'm not going. There are four times of the year I do not venture out of the house. Christmas Eve, Labor Day, Black Friday and the day before Thanksgiving."

  I gave him a corrosive look. "You lie. You just made that up."

  "Yes I did. But I'm not going back out there. I already went to Kroger to pick up some capers while you were snoring. Took me an hour and a half just to get through the checkout line."

  "Why didn't you do self checkout?"

  He put his hands on his hips. "That was self checkout."

  "Fine. I'll go. Is there anything else you can think of that we might need before tomorrow?"

  "No. Wait. What do April's kids drink?"

  Crap. "I'll pick up some sodas. I think we got sugar for tea?"

  He nodded.

  "What's for dinner?"

  "I'm taking the rest of that steak and making fajitas. So you hurry back and we'll watch a movie and relax before tomorrow."

  I so wanted tomorrow to be over with. Except for the seeing my daughter part of all that. I missed Tanae. Just her smell was enough to make me feel all proud and motherly. It's weird how that happens. When you have a child and everything changes. Your attitude, your outlook on life, even how you view things around you.

  When I brought Tanae home that first day, I suddenly saw my house as a potential danger zone. I would sit in the living room and rock her and think about her crawling around. The stairs became a rocky cliff, and the corner of the coffee table a weapon for blunt force trauma.

  Of course, Burt did his usual self centered patronizing speech, of how it was all postpartum depression. And yeah, anytime I disagreed with him?

  I was on my period.

  Idiot.

  Thoughts of him just made me madder than I was. And I didn't know I was mad until I started getting dressed. I spotted one of Michael's shirts in the closet. I yanked it out, took a pair of scissors and cut the shit out of it before I dropped it in the trash.

  To be honest I wasn't sure I was really mad at him, but more at me for fooling myself into believing someone like me could find the cliched man of my dreams. He didn't exist. Because I'd let Burt destroy any part of me that had ever been easy to love.

  I was sarcastic, acerbic, suspicious of everyone, and no longer donated money to the ASPC. God I hoped Tanae never found that out. She was going to college to be a veterinarian.

  As I pulled a sweater on and grabbed my coat and keys, I realized all the wacky thoughts in my head were just my brain trying to protect itself from another round of depression. I didn't want to go that route either and I didn't think I would. Not now. Not that I'd turned my life around and I had to be strong for Tanae while her father dipped further into the depths of what I was starting to call, the crazy.

  What hurt the most was the betrayal. What I was angry about was my stupidity. Because that's how I saw myself. As stupid. Just…

  Had I let myself start to love again? Was that it? Was that why I so damn mad?

  I had to have looked like a zombie driving to Kroger, getting out, grabbing a basket and moving around the shuffle of people, all intent on getting in and out and finding such a notion had been frivolous.

  I could feel the tension in the store as I looked through the pharmacy and grabbed for plain aspirin. I had a can of those nasty onions in one hand, a bottle of aspirin in the other and turned to head to the checkout. But I knew
I was forgetting something so I stopped and pulled out my phone to call Kyle to remind me.

  I hadn't looked at my phone all day so when I finally fished it out of the bottom of my purse I was more than shocked to see I had 30 missed calls, close to the same number of text messages and ten voice messages. I couldn't tell from a glance if they were all from Michael but what I thumbed through were.

  I didn't bother with the text messages and I couldn't bare to listen to his voice. Screw it if we needed anything else. I wanted to go home and drown in a bottle of something that would make my head hurt in the morning. Holding back tears I shoved the phone into my coat pocket before I turned toward the checkout lanes.

  And nearly plowed into Burt Murphy.

  I backed up and into an isle of cooking oil.

  Burt reached out as if to steady me and I held up my hand. "Don't you touch me!" It came out a bit louder then I intended but Jesus H Christ. I did not want to see this bastard right now.

  A few people in the isles sharply turned their heads to look at us, either because I made too much noise or they wondered if there was gonna be trouble. After all, this was Thanksgiving eve. All's well right?

  "Keep your voice down, Grace," Burt hissed and he took a step back. "I'm not going to hurt you. That's just your crazy menopause talking."

  I glared at him. See? There it was. My dislike of him was due to my advanced age. In the past my response to that would have been to ignore it and move along, file it into the overflowing cabinet in my head where I kept my complaints about my husband, never to look at it again.

  But I'd moved that cabinet out years ago. I didn't know it till that moment when I went looking for it. There was just an empty space there, and a square to show where the cabinet had once stood. But that's all it was…a shadow.

  I wanted to move beyond just doing what was expected. I wanted to grow past being bullied—and after spending months in battered women's groups I understood now that physical scars weren't the only wounds inflicted by domestic abuse. Scars, marks, they came in all shapes and sizes, both physical and mental.