Ladies Listen Up

by Darren Coleman

  She smiled and chuckled. “I guess that sounds all right.” Then she asked me, “So, Diego, let me ask you this…”

  “Shoot.”

  “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

  Seeing? That was a tricky question. Ask a man that and he knows what a sistah means, but she should be more specific. I had fucked a couple of women in the past couple of months. After the situation with Erin had fallen apart, things had gotten a little lean. I’d gotten weak and invited Daphne, the hairstylist, over. She had finally gotten what she wanted, and I had to admit, she wasn’t that bad, but she was nothing that I would write home about.

  Against my better judgment, which was an oxymoron, because I didn’t have much better judgment, especially when it came to getting my dick wet, I had hooked up with Maddy again. She’d been married all of two months before she called for a tune-up. Without the alcohol, she hadn’t been worth the trouble either.

  I was beginning to think that it was the empty sex that was turning me off. I was starting to feel the void again. The big hole that Alicia had left in my heart when she left for good, was aching. I didn’t really see how I could be wrong in thinking that the answer wasn’t sitting right across the table from me.

  “I’m not seeing anyone right now…” I knew that if I left it there, she’d have an opening to question me further, so I kept it moving. “…I do think that the time has come for me to change that.”

  “Oh yeah. And you have someone in mind?”

  “I guess that someone isn’t listening?”

  “Oh, I’m listening, but let me let you in on a little something…” She folded her napkin and put it on her lap. As the waitress came back to our table, she said, “My bullshit sensor is very strong, sir.”

  I didn’t know where this was coming from. “So what is that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing at all. But be mindful…sometimes we’re not as slick as we think we are. People talk, and it might be good if you knew that your reputation precedes you,” she said, and then thanked the waitress.

  I had a puzzled look.

  “Diego,” she said. “I’m new at the school and I don’t plan on staying—meaning, I’m not there to make a bunch of friends. But people talk and you’ve been the topic of more than a few conversations—and deservedly so, I presume.”

  “So what did you hear?”

  She was silent for a second, and when it became apparent that I wasn’t going to move forward, she said, “Enough. I’ve heard enough.”

  I left it there and we ate dinner. She kept the conversation flowing as I tried to imagine what the women in the school had said about me. There was plenty that they could have said with all the ammunition that I’d given them over the years. It was odd that I’d never once thought much about what I’d done in a negative light—screwing a parent here and there, a few colleagues, a couple of the student teachers, the school secretary, the computer-lab specialist, and even the daughter of one of the administrators. In fact, I’d worn those conquests as a badge of honor.

  Now that I was face-to-face with a woman I deemed incredible, I wanted her to respect me. To look at me as a real man, a catch. Instead, I was imagining the things that were running through her mind. When the check came I realized that she wasn’t doing anything but enjoying my company. I wasn’t what she was looking for. Who was I kidding?

  As I took the check and acknowledged to myself that it was the last time that I’d be treating her to dinner, I was hoping she’d offer to pay. I would have let her. “You need some help with that?” she asked.

  Oh, the nerve of this bitch, I thought. Help. “Nah, I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

  “Of course.” Some help. Pay this whole damned ninety-dollar check, but don’t help a nigga, I thought.

  As if things could get no worse, my eyes began to play tricks on me—at least I hoped they were. Upon closer inspection, I saw Gina, Kristen’s friend and my possible baby’s mama, walk into the same exact section that Lanelle and I were seated in. She was with an older woman, who could have been her mother. I took a deep breath and tried to fight off the instant headache that was on the way.

  “You good?” I said, and got out of my seat and quickly stood behind Lanelle. This put my back to Gina as I offered to help Lanelle with her chair and jacket.

  “Yes, I’m fine. You okay?”

  “For sure.” When she stood up, I finally got a glimpse of her rear and it was magnificent in the dress. Having my way with it could have done wonders to bring me out of the funk I was slipping into.

  As we walked away from the table I looked over at the gloves that I’d left there on purpose. When we passed Gina’s table, Lanelle’s eyes were on the door. I looked the other way purposely and made it out of the restaurant without Gina so much as looking in our direction. Though I’d all but given up on my chances with Lanelle after our dinner conversation, the last thing I wanted was to confirm any opinions of my being a dog in her eyes. Creating a scene right there wouldn’t have helped me at all. If nothing else, I’d leave her wondering What if?

  Once we were out front, I gave our parking ticket to the valet and then I patted my jacket pockets. “I think I left my gloves at the table…yeah…I must have.”

  “You want me to run back and grab them while you wait on the car?” She was just too helpful.

  “Nah, I’m good. Give me a second. Be right back.” I sped back into the restaurant and walked right up to Gina’s table. As I stood there my chest began pounding and my nerves went into overdrive.

  Gina looked up and her eyes grew wide. “Diego.”

  I looked down at her stomach and saw the bulge. “I’ve been trying to contact you. What’s up?”

  “Oh, nothing. I’m just out for my mom’s birthday.”

  She knew that wasn’t what I meant. “That’s nice. But can I have a quick word with you?”

  She seemed really nervous and her mother picked up on it. “Darling, is this a friend of yours?”

  “Hold up, Ma. Let me just talk to him for a minute,” Gina said, and stood up. I looked at her face. She was gaining weight and she had her hair in a short bob. I saw that she had bags under her eyes that I’d never noticed, but she was still attractive. Getting that glow that women get when they’re with child. She was definitely knocked up.

  She stepped away from the table. “I’ve been past your crib and tried to find out where you working now. What’s up with this situation?”

  “This really ain’t the time…”

  “Well, I need some answers. You crashed a nigga’s wedding and ruined my life, in case you forgot.”

  “Listen, it’s not like you didn’t have a part—”

  “Hold up—”

  “Hold up shit. Diego, you got nerve. I’m the one having a damned baby by myself. As for your wedding, I guess you learned you shouldn’t shit where you sleep.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “That means, you don’t need to be screwing over anyone who can put their hands on you. Kristen is a nut job and you found out the hard way.”

  “Oh, so now she’s a nut job. But you thought she was perfect when you followed her into my wedding.” I shook my head in disgust.

  “Diego, I’m trying to enjoy my mother’s birthday. Please don’t embarrass yourself out here.”

  “Embarrass myself! Now that’s a joke coming from a wedding crasher. In case you didn’t know, people don’t do that shit in real life. I ought to smack your ass right now for this. You have no idea how many people you hurt.”

  Her arms were folded, letting me know she had no fear of my becoming violent. I moved on: “So where can I reach you? We need to talk.” My voice was far more forceful than the volume I projected.

  She walked back to the table and grabbed her cell phone. “What’s your number? I’ll call you tomorrow.” I could tell by her tone that it was altogether possible I’d never hear from her.

  I snatched her phone from her hands and
dialed my number and hit send. She didn’t want to make any more of a scene than she had already, but I could see the anger in her eyes. When I saw the number come up on my screen, I said, “I’ll call you. Make sure you answer.”

  I handed her back her phone and stormed off. I made it to the front door and then turned back around and walked right back in. I’d forgotten my gloves.

  The entire ride home I was quiet. Thinking about Gina and contemplating my future. We were on the Beltway when Lanelle asked, “You okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

  “Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

  “You seem like you just been off since we left the restaurant. Was it something I said?”

  Honestly, it wasn’t, but the concern in her voice beckoned for me to make a play on her sympathy. Though I was truly wallowing in the uncertainty of my future because of Gina, I was fighting the emptiness I knew I’d feel once I dropped her off. I just didn’t want to be alone.

  “Lanelle, I got to tell you that I’m a little disappointed that you aren’t willing to even take me seriously. I’m not saying anything about jumping into a relationship. It’s just that it’s hard out here to meet a quality woman.”

  “Humph,” she replied. “Is that so?”

  “Absolutely. I mean, I can only imagine the things you’ve heard about me in that school, and I got to be honest. I’m not proud of everything that I’ve done.”

  “You mean every one?”

  A quick sigh let her know that I was worn out and not up for defending my past. “No, I said what I meant. When I came to this job, I was a young man, single. A lot of women who’ve come through the school have thrown themselves at me. And I have to be honest. A few of them I’ve chased down, but let me ask you this…”

  I had her full attention and she was hanging on my every word. I could tell I’d struck a nerve. I think she’d been thrown by the honesty. I looked over at her as we drove. “How many men have you dated where you’ve had the benefit of knowing their past…knowing the things that they’re capable of doing before getting involved with them?”

  Her mind seemed to be racing for a moment and then she answered, “Not many…I guess…maybe…none.”

  “Well, you still gave them a chance, and do you regret dealing with them?”

  “Some of them…Regret is a strong word. But I’ve tried to take something positive, some lesson, from each relationship.”

  “Well, why is it that you think that a man who dedicates his life to teaching our children has no redeeming qualities simply because as a single man, he fucked women who wanted to fuck him.”

  “Diego, it’s not that. Not at all.”

  “Then what is it?”

  She stared into my eyes and let me know that my persistence might wear down her resistance. “Maybe I don’t want to be just another one of your many conquests.”

  “I’m not trying to make you one. Listen, I’m not trying to convince you or change your heart, but I do want you to understand that I’ll do whatever it takes to make you believe in me.”

  The ride was quiet again for the next few miles. I thought about the things I’d said to her. I wondered why I’d poured it on so thick. Was I really this into her, or was the challenge making me feel more desire for her? Deep inside, I knew it was the latter. Chasing Lanelle allowed me to forget that feeling. Allowed me to focus on something other than myself.

  As we neared her exit she turned the radio down a little and said, “I’m not ready to go home yet.” I said nothing. “Take me with you. Take me to your place.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. But can you behave yourself?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She nodded and turned the radio back up. “All right, then. You have any movies we can watch?”

  “Oh yeah, I just picked up Crash. I heard it was really good.”

  “Okay.”

  We sat on the couch and ate Slice ’n Bake cookies and talked for a while before we got into the movie. Though the performances in the movie were gripping, especially Terrence Howard’s, I began to fight the sleep that started tugging at my body.

  Lanelle’s head was now on my chest and I felt like it was now or never. I looked down at her body. She was covered from the waist down with a blanket, but her ass still made a nice imprint in the throw. “Hey,” I whispered. “You sleep?”

  “No,” she replied, but I could tell that she had dozed off.

  “Let’s go upstairs. I’ll give you a T-shirt.” She didn’t respond. “Lanelle, you hear me?”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  It took a minute, but we made it up the stairs. I reached into my drawer and grabbed a T-shirt for her. I was shocked when she unhooked her collar right there and stepped out of her dress. She folded it neatly in front of her and placed it on the chair in the corner of my room. When she turned her back to me, even in the darkness, I could make out her magnificent, thong-covered ass. Instantly, I had a hard-on.

  She then pulled the shirt over her head and almost in the same motion she reached under and took her bra off. She tossed it on top of her dress and walked toward me. “I’ve enjoyed you and I’m glad I came here with you.”

  “I’m glad, too,” I barely got out before she placed her arms on my shoulders. She leaned in and placed her lips gently on mine. My temperature began to rise, but then just as easily she pulled them away and moved toward the bed.

  “Good night,” she said, and climbed in.

  There was something in the way she did this that let me know the kiss she’d given was all that I should expect. I used the bathroom and climbed in with her. I did manage to scoot up close enough to spoon her. My aching penis was pressed against her ass. She knew it, I knew it, but the unspoken agreement was that this was a test of wills. Could I be different, or would I try to fuck her and blow the opportunity?

  As I lay there holding her, India. Arie playing softly in the background, it dawned on me. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel alone. Though I was horny, I wasn’t alone. I didn’t know what the future held, but I was sure there had to be some middle ground between the two feelings. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep believing that somehow, someway, I was going to find it.

  18

  Taking Candy from a Baby

  Dear Dr. C.,

  There is something I just don’t understand. My sister ain’t worth a damn. She obviously could care less about her husband and yet he adores her. My best friend, Maria, got engaged last Christmas Eve and is getting married to a wonderful man in three weeks. I’m not hating on her, but she doesn’t have anything to offer a man that I don’t, and again I’m not hating, but in the looks department she can’t hold a candle to me. The worst of it all is my friend Candace and her perfect relationship. She’s a lawyer, he’s a lawyer. I’ll admit, the bitch has it going on, but so do I. Why can’t I find a decent man? Is there some secret that women, even my closest friends, just won’t share about finding the perfect relationship?

  I’m not picky; I just want a man who is going to respect me from day one. Be consistent and not be afraid to commit. It would be nice if he was good-looking, but that’s not my determining factor. Just be healthy, straight, with a job, and preferably no kids.

  Give it to me straight.

  Baffled in Bladensburg

  Dear Baffled,

  The answers to your questions are simple. It’s not impossible for you to find a decent man, but it is hard. Believe it or not, what you seek is an endangered species, the qualified and decent brother. Understand the plight of the world. Who would ever have thought that “decent” would be a standard too hard for many men to measure up to? As far as the secret that those women aren’t sharing, it’s easy. Either they aren’t telling you the truth or you aren’t listening to what they’re saying. Let me say this loud and clear: “THERE IS NO PERFECT RELATIONSHIP!” Everyone that is in a relationship settles for sure. That’s why they call it settling down.

  Your man is out there. He
just might not be decent. Keep looking.

  Yours truly,

  Dr. C.

  Jacob was onstage performing in front of a packed crowd. The Avenue was one of D.C.’s hottest new clubs and No Question had been billed as the main attraction by the promoter. After waiting outside in lines to get into the club, people were standing in front of the stage swaying back and forth as the band played a few original songs from an album they were working on as they warmed the crowd for the second set.

  I was at the bar with Lanelle sipping on Amaretto sours when No Question came out and started the second set. For a while we listened and watched Jacob perform. As usual, he gave a great performance and Lanelle seemed to really enjoy the live music. We’d been seeing each other regularly for three weeks and it seemed like we were on the verge of getting at least semiserious. At first I thought that it would be hard seeing her at work every day and then being with her after work so much, but it was actually a really nice change of pace. Between my enjoyment of her company, work, and writing the column, my black book had begun to collect some dust, which didn’t really bother me at all. I had never been with a woman who carried herself the way that Lanelle did. She was all business at work, yet able to let her hair down like an around-the-way girl when we were at home.

  The only thing that I wasn’t pleased with was our sex life. To this point we hadn’t had one. She’d made it clear that she had a three-month rule and it had become painfully obvious that she was sticking to it.

  “Diego, I don’t have to spend the night if it’s too hard on you,” she’d said. The only thing that was too hard had been my dick. But the company had been almost therapeutic. The dreams of Alicia had begun to fade. Whenever I woke up in the middle of the night, I would look over and see Lanelle’s angelic face right there.