It Must Be Christmas

by Jennifer Crusie

  “I got it,” Derrick said, his gaze downcast.

  “All right. Get settled in. You can do your homework at the kitchen table.”

  Chloe left Derrick in the guest room and headed into the living room. Her legs gave out when she hit the couch and she slumped down onto the cushions. She’d never felt so damned raw and now she had to deal with the guilt of making promises to a ten-year-old boy that she knew she’d never be able to keep.

  Volunteers were few and far between. The good ones were overworked and spread too thin. The purpose of the foundation had been to not only build the sports facilities but to pay full-time coaches. So many programs were pay-to-play. Club fees were outrageous and coaching fees were more than a lot of families could afford. Chloe had hoped to offer the same opportunities to kids who wouldn’t get to play organized sports otherwise. Kids involved in sports were better students, more motivated, and stayed out of trouble. Now, all of her hard work was slowly swirling down the toilet. She hated to let people down. Tonight, she’d let Nate down. And next week, she’d be letting hundreds of kids and families down. Awesome.

  Chloe ordered a pizza and got Derrick set up at the kitchen table. In addition to her last-ditch effort to find emergency investors, she’d be meeting with both social services and Derrick’s foster parents tomorrow. She couldn’t think much further into the future. If she did, she’d lose it for sure. Unemployment, job searches, failure, and heartache loomed over her like a noose that slowly choked her. Something had to give. If it didn’t, Chloe was going to crack for sure.

  Feet propped up on the coffee table and her laptop open and ready to go, Chloe hunkered down for a long night of research. She sent off several e-mails to former colleagues at Make-A-Wish. One of them might have a suggestion that she hadn’t thought of yet. Her cell rang from beside her and Chloe checked the caller ID: Nate. With the speed of hummingbird wings, her heart took flight and Chloe’s mouth went dry. She held the phone in her palm, her thumb hovering over the screen to accept the call. The hurtful words he’d said to her came crashing back and Chloe hit Ignore.

  She couldn’t open herself up to more hurt. Talking to Nate right now would only mess with her head and her heart. The voice mail alert went off and her fingers itched to play the message. Don’t do it, Chloe. The things he said to you can’t be fixed with I’m sorry. She was still too angry and hurt over the things he’d said to let him off the hook.

  Yet, her finger slid across the screen. She brought the phone to her ear, fearful of what Nate would say and at the same, hopeful.

  “Chloe.” The sound of her name was a tortured groan at the back of his throat. He paused and let out a long breath. “God, Chloe. I’m so, so sorry. I was completely out of line. I know that an apology isn’t going to erase the things I said. But I want to make it up to you. Want to prove to you that I’m not that asshole who said those horrible things. If I could take it all back, I would. Chloe…” His voice hitched. “I can’t picture a tomorrow without you in it. We need to talk. There’s a lot I haven’t told you and I want a chance to explain. Please call me.”

  Chloe set her phone back down beside her. What else could he possibly have to say? Her heart softened as she thought about the way his voice broke with emotion. Maybe he truly regretted the things he’d said. Chloe knew that Nate wasn’t exactly a serene pond. He was a volcano, ready to erupt with even the slightest disturbance.

  No. She couldn’t excuse his behavior. Couldn’t let him think that it was okay to treat her that way. Was it fair to not give him a chance, though?

  “Chloe, are you gonna marry Nate?”

  “What?” She set her laptop aside and craned her neck toward the dining room. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  She could think of a million reasons why not. The least of them being the fact that he hadn’t asked her. Chloe was struck by how much had changed in just a few hours. She’d gone from daydreams of domestic bliss—maybe even marriage—to having her heart smashed under the assault of Nate’s words.

  “I don’t think Nate wants to marry me.” This totally wasn’t the sort of conversation she wanted to be having with a ten-year-old. Hell, it wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have at all!

  “He does,” Derrick said, matter of fact. “I could tell the other day at lunch. He looks at you like he wants to marry you.”

  Chloe choked on a half-sob, half-laugh. “I don’t know about that, kiddo.”

  “You should marry him,” Derrick continued on, lost in his own fantasy. “You guys could take me out for pizza and to soccer games. Do you think Nate would want to watch me play?”

  Tears stung at Chloe’s eyes. All Derrick needed was a stable home and someone who could give him attention and encouragement. It wouldn’t take much to keep him from getting into trouble. And goddamn it, she was going to let him down. Let a bunch of kids just like him down. All because she hadn’t been honest with Nate the first night they’d met. All because she hadn’t been up-front with him when she’d made the decision to reach out to Travis.

  “I think he’d love to watch you play,” Chloe said through the thickness in her throat. “You’re an excellent soccer player.”

  “Sometimes,” Derrick said, his train of thought already moving on to something else. “Coach says I need to kick with the top of my foot when I’m shooting, though.”

  “You’ll get it,” she said. “You just need to keep practicing.”

  “I will,” he assured her. “I’m sorry I got into trouble today, Chloe. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

  “I know,” she said. Her chest ached with all of the crippling emotions she wished she didn’t feel. Most of all, the want she felt for the only man who’d ever managed to lay claim to her heart and break it all in the same day.

  TWELVE

  “I’ve never seen a SEAL cower in the presence of an office building before.”

  Nate gave Travis the side-eye. It was true, Chloe’s office had never looked more imposing, and his goddamned heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest like one of those things in Alien. He hadn’t heard a word from Chloe since he’d left the message on her voice mail five days ago. In fact, she’d washed her hands of the Christensens altogether, telling Travis that she didn’t feel right accepting his donation after what had happened between her and Nate.

  Fuck that. She might not have wanted to talk to him, but he refused to let her foundation close its doors. Like Travis said, it was time for Nate to think about the legacy he wanted to leave.

  “You sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Travis teased.

  “There’s no use in both of us being thrown out. I’ll be fine.”

  “Good luck, brother,” Travis said. “Lunch later?”

  “I have a pre–holiday break board meeting,” Nate groused.

  “Try not to sound so excited.” Travis laughed. He put the Chevy in gear and waited for Nate to close the door.

  “Yeah. That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to sit through it.”

  “Damn straight. Good luck,” Travis said as Nate shut the passenger door.

  “Thanks.” He was going to need it.

  Nate drew in a deep breath and held it in his lungs. When they started to burn, he let the air out in a rush that made his brain buzz and his skin tingle. He pulled open the glass door and stepped up to the reception desk, piled high with banker’s boxes and large manila envelopes. All he could see of the receptionist was the top of her blond head. “I’m here to see Chloe.”

  “Nate!”

  A kid’s voice called out from down the hallway and Nate turned to see Derrick rushing toward him. “Hey little man.” Nate held out his fist and Derrick bumped it with his. “What’s up?”

  “Staying with Chloe,” he said. “For a while, anyway.”

  Could that be why he hadn’t heard from her? Nate could only hope that she’d ignored him not because she never wanted to see him again, but because she had her hands full. “Is
Chloe here?”

  “Yeah,” Derrick said. “In her office.”

  Nate turned to the receptionist and she nodded. “Want me to buzz her?”

  “No, that’s all right.” The last thing he needed was to give her the opportunity to throw him out before he could talk to her. “She’s expecting me.”

  The receptionist gave him a suspicious glance but nodded slowly. “Okay, go ahead and go back.”

  “Do you think Chloe would let you get ice cream from the shop next door?” Nate asked Derrick.

  “Sure. As long as I don’t cross the street it’s fine.” He laughed. “Chloe acts like I can’t take care of myself. I walked halfway across the city one time before anyone knew I was gone.”

  It was probably a good idea that Chloe keep a tight rein on the kid. Good lord. “Just for ice cream.” Nate handed him a ten-dollar bill. “And then back here.” The last thing he needed was for Chloe to find one more reason to hate him.

  “Yes, sir,” Derrick said with a crisp salute before he tore out of the office.

  Nate headed down the hallway toward Chloe’s office. Dead man walking. He knocked and her voice called from the other side of the door, “Come on in!”

  He brought his palm up and laid it on the cool wood of the door and let his head hang between his shoulders. Anxiety crept up his spine, drawing his shoulders toward his ears. If she turned him away, it would ruin him. She won’t. At least, he hoped.

  Deep breaths. Nate pushed open the door and willed his thoughts and emotions to settle the fuck down. One look at Chloe and Nate was lost. Her hair was gathered up in a high, messy knot atop her head and she wore a pair of thick-framed glasses that gave her a decidedly naughty librarian look. Stress pulled at her expression and exhaustion weighed on her soft features, but damn. Nate didn’t think she’d ever looked so beautiful.

  “Hey.”

  Her brow furrowed and lips parted, soft and inviting. “Hey.”

  Nate had never felt so fucking awkward in his entire life. He would’ve rather stared down the barrel of a gun than meet the gaze of the woman sitting in front of him. Words lodged in his throat. Stuck to his tongue and adhered themselves to the roof of his mouth. Maybe his actions would speak louder than words. He took the cashier’s check he held in his hand and slid it across the desk toward her.

  Chloe studied the check and her jaw took on a set that made Nate think his tactics were about to crash and burn. “What is this?” She waved the check at him. “You insinuate that I seduced you to get my hands on your money and then you drop a three-million-dollar check in front of me?”

  Yup. Crash. And. Burn. Fuck.

  The words Nate held back burst forth in a senseless rush. “Miranda was my fiancée.” Chloe’s expression softened somewhat and he continued on. “When she found out about my dad’s philosophy—the whole ‘be your own man’ thing—our relationship got shaky. I stopped by the house one afternoon and I caught them together in his office. I enlisted the next day to get away from the both of them. That and the hurt and embarrassment. For the next six years, I blamed him for my life being shitty, for every bad thing that happened to me. I didn’t want anything to do with him, Miranda, or that money that was so fucking much more important to her than I’d been. She chose my own father over me. For his money. So when Travis called that night, I freaked out.”

  Chloe’s brow knitted but she no longer looked ready to chuck her stapler at him. “Nate.” God, it cut through him whenever she said his name with tenderness. “I had no idea.”

  “The big, shameful family secret,” he said on a sigh. “It doesn’t excuse what I said to you or my behavior that night. I wanted you to know. That’s all.”

  “And the check?” Chloe asked.

  “You’re a good person and you do good things for people. I think you were right when you said that the money was my dad’s way of apologizing. Travis says that I should use it to carve out my own name and my own legacy and that’s what I’m doing. I don’t want to see you have to shut down. I want to take care of this foundation.” He brought his gaze to hers. “I want to take care of you. I love you, Chloe.”

  * * *

  He loves me. For days, she’d resisted the urge to pick up her phone and call him. To let him fill her mind and her heart with whatever excuse for his behavior that he wanted to give her. She never would have guessed the truth of it, though. Good lord. Miranda. Chloe had done extensive research on Byron Christensen when she’d courted him. Not even the best of the gossip mongers had known that the old man had run off with his son’s fiancée. No wonder Nate had harbored so much resentment. Who wouldn’t be emotionally scarred by that sort of betrayal?

  Did that excuse the things he’d said to her though? Chloe didn’t know if she could easily overcome the hurt that still speared through her chest every time she thought about it. Lying somewhere beneath her own pain though, was an indignation that sparked her temper. “She did that to you and you were going to give her everything? How could you have even considered the possibility?” His brow furrowed at her infuriated tone. “Seriously, Nate? That woman doesn’t deserve a red cent of that money. Really, someone should kick her ass!”

  A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and Chloe’s heart melted. A living work of art, there wasn’t an inch of him that wasn’t perfect. Not an inch of him she didn’t ache to touch.

  Nate came around to the side of the desk. Chloe sat still as a statue, hands splayed out over the glossed chipboard surface. She didn’t trust herself to move. Nate reached out and traced over the tops of her fingers. From the corner of her eye, she caught his lids droop. “Chloe.” He said her name on a reverent sigh that sent her blood racing in her veins. “I miss you.”

  His touch tortured and excited her. She missed him, too. So much that she ached. He went to his knees beside her and Chloe turned her chair to face him as though she had no other choice but to respond to his gravitational pull. He reached out, threaded his fingers through the mass of her hair and brushed his thumb across her cheek.

  “I’m fucked up, Chloe. I don’t know how long it will be before I finally get a grip on the shit that messes with my head and screws with my emotions. I know I have a shitty temper. I’m not funny or easygoing. I’m trying to be better, though. I want to be better. For you. For us. I need you.” His teeth clamped down into a grimace and his brow furrowed. “I can’t get you out of my fucking head. I know it sounds crazy but I’m not going to deny it or play it down. I knew that first night we were together that I’d never get enough of you. I do love you, Chloe. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you.”

  Emotion clogged her throat. A flush rose to Chloe’s cheeks and all of the breathable oxygen seemed to be sucked from the room. She leaned into Nate’s touch. She couldn’t help herself. The heat was a balm on her skin. With a trembling hand, she scooted the check over to him. “This will always be between us, Nate. I want you to have this money. Have wanted it for you all along. But after everything that’s happened—everything I know now—you’ll always wonder. I’ll always wonder. And we’ll grow to resent each other because of it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t want to be bought, Nate. And you don’t want to be with someone who would allow herself to be.”

  “Now who’s being stubborn?” A deep crease cut into his brow above the bridge of his nose. “You convinced me to keep this damned money, and now you’re refusing to let me spend it the way that I want?”

  “Can you really say that in the back of your mind you won’t always wonder if I’m with you because of this check? Because I feel obligated somehow?”

  “No,” Nate said solemnly. “I know you, Chloe. I know you wouldn’t put yourself in that position.”

  “You didn’t think so the other night.”

  He let his hand drop from her face and pushed himself to stand. “You know why I freaked out the other night.”

  She didn’t want to tear open wounds that were best
left to scar. It wasn’t fair to Nate or to her. Fear prompted her to do so. Chloe was afraid of the way he made her feel. The intensity of emotion he evoked in her. She was afraid that they’d never settle into a rhythm and their relationship would be spiked with highs and lows that would make them both miserable in the long run.

  What scared her most was that despite all of her fears and doubts, Chloe wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anything in her entire life. The world melted away when Nate was near. She had so much on her plate right now. The foundation and now Derrick. Could she balance having Nate in her life and still maintain everything else?

  “Derrick is staying with me,” Chloe said. She didn’t know why she blurted it out like that, maybe because she wanted to give Nate the opportunity to change his mind about wanting to be with her.

  “I know,” he said.

  “How?”

  “Saw the little man in the lobby. I sent him out for ice cream. I love your big heart, Chloe. I love how much you care. Nothing you say is going to scare me off.”

  “I’m scared,” Chloe whispered.

  “I’m fucking terrified,” Nate said. “The thought of not being with you terrifies me.”

  “I—I need some time.” Chloe couldn’t make a decision about what she wanted right now. There was too much going on. She needed to think everything through. Process what he’d said to her.

  “I can give you that,” Nate said. “I can give you anything you need.”

  Nate stood and headed for the door. Emotion tugged at Chloe’s chest, as though Nate was about to take her heart out that door with him. “Nate, you should take the check. I meant what I said. Whatever happens, I don’t want this money between us.”

  He turned around and strode to her desk. With his palms braced on the glossy surface, he leaned down to eye level. “You’re keeping that money, Chloe. You can try and return it to me, but I’ll just keep giving it back to you. And I think we both know I’m stubborn enough to do it.”

  His words coaxed a smile to her lips. “Nate.” Tears sprung to her eyes and she couldn’t speak louder than a whisper. “Thank you.”