The Vicar Takes a Wife

by Victoria Kovacs

  “You’re too kind,” Hosea backed into the wall with growing alarm, “yet I fear I’m not the man you seek.”

  “Of course you are,” she squeezed his arms. “You’re a man of the world.”

  “No, I’m not,” Hosea insisted.

  “Yes, you are!”

  He couldn’t escape her iron grip. “As flattered as I am by your attentions, Miss Edna, I cannot in good conscience do anything outside the bounds of the Ten Commandments or Mr. Judson’s rules. I beg your forgiveness if I’ve given you the impression that I would.”

  Edna released him. “Is no dancing one of the Ten Commandments?”

  “Dancing?” said Hosea.

  “Is one of them ‘Thou shalt not dance’?”

  Hosea looked confused. “Forgive me, Miss Edna, but what favor are you asking?”

  She clasped her hands together. “I was wondering if you’d teach me to waltz. See, there was a ball at a fancy hotel in the city where I growed up. I peeked through the window and wished I could dance like them ladies. They looked like they was floating in their big hoop skirts and all the soldiers looked so fine in their uniforms. They did the waltz and the Virginia reel and I forget what else, but I liked the waltz the best. I figured a gentleman like you’d know how to, but if you don’t want to teach me, that’s all right. You’re probably tired from all the chores Susanna’s got you doing.”

  Hosea laughed. “Miss Edna, it would be my honor to teach you to waltz. It’s very easy. I learned as a boy when my sisters made me practice with them.”

  Her face lit up. “Will you really?” She threw her arms around him in a crushing embrace. “I knew you wouldn’t say no. You’re the goodest man ever, Vicar.”

  “You may not think so if I tread on your toes,” Hosea said. “It’s been a while since I last danced. When do you wish to begin lessons?”

  “Right now, oh, please let’s start right now. I can’t wait!” she begged.

  “Very well,” Hosea agreed and pushed the old brass bed against the wall to make room. “We must begin in the correct position. Place your left hand on my shoulder. Not quite so close,” he said as she pressed against him. He maneuvered her back a step. “I clasp your right hand here and place my hand on your back, and—” By doing so, Hosea was again pressed against Edna’s ample bosom. “Now we are ready to begin.”

  He explained the steps, repeating them as they walked through them slowly. “Back-side-close, forward-side-close. Very good. Remember, step back with your right foot and forward with your left foot and don’t look at your feet.”

  “Where am I supposed to look? I don’t want to fall down.”

  “You won’t fall down,” Hosea promised. “Look into my eyes.”

  Edna gazed at him with admiration. “You have such nice eyes.”

  Hosea reddened. “Thank you, as do you, Miss Edna. Let’s try it again. Back-side-close, forward-side—ouch.”

  “Did I hurt you?” Edna asked.

  “Just a pinch. Not to worry,” Hosea grimaced. “Try taking smaller steps. We’re dancing in a small square, so there’s no need for big, stomping movements. Once more now, and one-two-three, one-two-three. Good, good.”

  They moved in the six steps over and over until Edna could do them automatically. “Now,” said Hosea, “we add the turns. As we do back-side-close, we turn one-quarter, then turn one-quarter again with forward-side-close.”

  “What’s one-quarter mean?” asked Edna.

  “It means as we go through the steps, we turn just a bit. I’ll show you. Ready? And one-two-three, one-two—ow.” Hosea hopped about in pain. “Allow me to turn you, Miss Edna. The goal is to turn just enough to face the wall perpendicular to the wall you were facing when we started.”

  “Perpenwhata?” she said.

  “Never mind. Just follow me. The gentleman leads. He’ll always guide you in the right direction.”

  “If you say so,” Edna said. “I ain’t never met a man who’d guide a woman in the right direction, except for you, of course.”

  “Is that so?” Hosea reddened.

  Once she mastered the turns, Hosea taught her the twirls. At the end of an hour she could do the steps perfectly.

  “Vicar, how can I ever thank you?” she bubbled.

  “Knowing your wish has come true is enough thanks for me,” he replied. “For our next lesson, we should find a bigger room so we can practice moving in a larger circle.”

  “I thought you said we were dancing in a square?”

  “We are,” said Hosea. “We take six small steps in a square, but as we continue going through those steps, we move in a larger circle. I’m sure you saw the dancers waltzing in a circle at the hotel.”

  Edna nodded. “We’ll have a whole street to dance in.”

  “You wish to dance in the street?” said Hosea.

  “It’s why I asked you to teach me,” said Edna. “For the street dance on Saturday.”

  “What’s a street dance?”

  “You know, it’s like a barn dance, except it’s not in a barn because there’s not a big enough barn in town. I hear they’re getting a fiddler from Denison to play and call the dances. I’m so excited. Judson’s letting us go to wrangle some customers, but I’d rather dance. You’ll dance with me, won’t you, Vicar?”

  Hosea never attended ceilidhs back home, for they were frowned upon by Lady Godfrey and Mr. Biddle as being inappropriate for vicars and gentlefolk. A street dance sounded similar, but, being Edna’s dance instructor, how could he say no to being her dance partner? “I’ve never attended a street dance before, but I will be happy to waltz with you on Saturday.”

  Edna shrieked with delight and clapped her hands over her mouth. “Let’s keep it a secret,” she whispered. “Won’t everyone be surprised when they see us?”

  “I’m sure they will be very surprised.”

  They spent the next few days sneaking off behind the bathhouse to practice whenever Edna had a spare moment from work and Hosea from chores.

  One day they were interrupted. “Hiram, what are you doing?” Edna demanded.

  Hosea recognized the man who shot at his feet during his first performance at the saloon. Hiram spat on the ground. “Looking for a place to take a leak.”

  “Get out of here,” she waved him away.

  “What for?” Hiram scowled. “I got as much right to pee here as you do.”

  “We ain’t peeing. We’re dancing.”

  “This ain’t no dance hall.”

  Edna stamped her foot. “This ain’t no outhouse, either. We’re practicing for the dance on Saturday. The vicar’s showing me how to dance like a real lady.”

  Hiram laughed. “You ain’t no real lady.”

  “Now, Miss Edna, don’t let him provoke you,” Hosea dug in his heels and held onto her as she sprang to attack.

  “You wouldn’t know a real lady if you sawed one,” Edna fumed, “and no real lady would dance with you anyway.”

  “Miss Susanna’s a real lady and I reckon I can dance with her any time I want to,” said Hiram.

  “No, you can’t,” Edna shot back. “You don’t know how to waltz.”

  Though this was true, Hiram couldn’t think of a retort.

  He walked away muttering, but soon Hosea spotted him peeking around the corner of the bathhouse. “Mr. Hiram, is there something you want?”

  Edna scowled. “I told you to shoo.”

  Hiram approached, chewing on the end of his substantial mustache. “I was wondering if you’d show me the steps of that there dance so’s I can ask Miss Susanna to dance.”

  Hosea frowned. He didn’t like the thought of him dancing with her.

  Edna laughed. “I told you she ain’t gonna dance with you. She’d sooner dance with your cousin. At least he knows what a bathtub’s for.”

  “At least she’s a lady,” Hiram said.

  Hosea restrained Edna again. “Miss Edna, a lady does not fight in the street—or anywhere else, for that matter.”

>   Edna smoothed down her skirt. “You’re right, Vicar, but he insulted me so you have to defend my honor. Go ahead, fight him.”

  “I must decline the offer,” Hosea said.

  “You chicken?” Hiram snickered.

  “No,” said Hosea. “But as a minister of the gospel I must turn the other cheek; therefore, you would win any hand to hand combat and Miss Edna’s honor would still be slighted, which is why we must come up with another solution. I suggest you apologize to Miss Edna and ask her to teach you to waltz; thus, her honor will be restored and you’ll get what you want.”

  Edna’s face fell. “You want me to teach him?”

  Hosea whispered in her ear. “The Bible says, ‘If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in doing so thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.’”

  “Now I’m supposed to feed him?” she whispered back.

  Hosea sighed. “The verse means to overcome evil by doing good.” She looked unconvinced. “It means you’ll win,” he added.

  “Oh, I see,” she nodded and turned to Hiram. “I’ll teach you to waltz, but first you got to say you’re sorry for saying I’m not a lady.”

  “But you ain’t,” said Hiram.

  “Mr. Hiram,” said Hosea, drawing him aside. “Even if you do not perceive Miss Edna or another woman as a lady, it’s best to treat them as such.”

  “What for?” Hiram asked.

  “If you treat her like a lady, she’ll act like a lady. It will also give you practice acting like a gentleman, which will make you a more desirable dance partner.”

  Hiram hesitated. “You mean Miss Susanna will dance with me?”

  “I cannot speak for her,” Hosea said, struggling to sound indifferent, “but it’s worth practicing.”

  Hiram faced Edna. “Sorry I said you ain’t a lady, even though you ain’t.”

  “What kind of darn-fool apology is that?” she said.

  “I said I was sorry and I ain’t supposed to lie. The Constitution says so and I’m related to George Washington and he couldn’t lie none.” He scowled at Hosea. “It didn’t work.”

  “Miss Edna,” said Hosea, “it’s ladylike to forgive when someone asks for pardon.”

  Edna crossed her arms. “Fine. Because I am a lady, I forgive you.”

  “Excellent,” said Hosea. “Now you may shake on it and commence the lesson.”

  Edna nearly cracked Hiram’s hand but turned out to be a gentle instructor. Hosea watched their progress, but his mind was elsewhere.

  “Why you so quiet, Vicar?” Edna asked him as they walked back to the saloon.

  “I was wondering if Susanna will dance with Mr. Hiram,” he mused.

  “Probably not,” said Edna. “Susanna likes men with money. She gets them to play poker and cleans them out.”

  “I have noticed her preference for more polished gentlemen.” Hosea nodded. “Mr. Hiram will be disappointed after having done so well at his dancing lesson.”

  However, Edna’s information secretly pleased him, because Hiram was neither polished nor rich. Of course, other men would ask Susanna to dance, but Hosea didn’t know these rivals by name. Yes, there was a good chance she would snub Hiram.

  But before Hosea could soar very high on the wings of exultation, he remembered his own lack of wealth and polish and sank low. Yes, there was a good chance she would snub him, too.

  Hiram joined them for the remainder of their practices, bringing along Big Nate and swearing Hosea and Edna to secrecy. If word got out the cousins took dancing lessons, their notoriety would be irreparably damaged and no one would fear them; and, even worse, they would be forced to give up their part-time life of crime to find full-time employment.

  Friday’s reading lesson was suspended as the ladies were busy washing their gowns and petticoats and undergarments in anticipation of the dance. Hosea’s best shirt and trousers flapped in the breeze on the clothesline next to them.

  On Saturday their clothes were starched and ironed. They then bathed and washed their hair and rolled it in rag curlers, retiring to their rooms to nap all afternoon since they expected to work late into the night. Hosea returned to his room to polish his shoes and brush his coat.

  That evening he waited downstairs at the bar as they fussed over themselves upstairs. “Women,” said Judson. “They’re never on time for anything, not even when there’s money to be made. I’d appreciate it if you’d dance a time or two with them. You being a duke, folks’ll follow your example.”

  Hosea’s heart sank. Except for Susanna, the ladies had begged him to dance with them and he had agreed. Now Mr. Judson was counting on him to help secure customers through his act of kindness. “What a wretched business,” he said under his breath.

  He was formulating a plan to fulfill his dancing obligations early and leave as soon as possible when the ladies finally appeared. They descended the stairs in all their finery, carrying fans, wearing too much rouge on their cheeks and lips, and smelling like gallons of perfume.

  “How do we look?” Edna asked. She wore gaudy red stripes festooned with ribbons, while the others wore bright orange and pink prints. Even though he was used to seeing them scantily clothed, their plunging décolletages still caused him to avert his eyes. They were, after all, dressed to attract customers. He didn’t know what to say.

  “Tell the truth, Vicar,” said Susanna, sensing his discomfort. “How do we look?”

  Hosea clutched his hat. No woman from West Eastleigh would wear anything so alarming. He didn’t wish to encourage the wearing of immodest attire, yet being what they were, what else would they wear? More important, they looked upon him as their friend; what could he say that was truthful without hurting their feelings? He glanced at their dresses once more, scrambling to come up with something to say.

  He finally thought of a polite reply when his eyes fell upon Susanna. She wore a blue gown so light it might have been the color of clouds. In fact, the shirring and tucks on her skirt made it look as if she was a puff of cloud. Around her neck was a black velvet ribbon. She was elegant, ethereal. He opened his mouth and forgot what he was going to say.

  “Well?” Susanna prodded.

  “This ain’t no beauty contest,” said Judson. “Get out there and bring back some customers.”

  Judson’s words triggered Hosea’s new answer. “Queen Vashti would turn green with envy at the sight of you all, and King Ahasuerus could not choose who to dance with first.”

  They stared blankly. “Is that good?” Claudine whispered to Alice.

  Edna giggled. “Whatever it means, it must be nice. You always say nice things.” She took his arm, Fanny took the other, and the rest followed behind.

  It was a short walk to the other side of the square where a crowd milled about. The street was strewn with hay to keep the dust down while colorful paper lanterns were strung overhead. The ladies stood near the middle of the street where they were readily accessible. Hosea noticed most of the town folk kept their distance from them.

  “Look, a squeezebox!” Claudine clapped.

  “And a fiddler and a banjo,” Fanny said.

  Soon the caller instructed everyone to find a partner. The musicians played several set dances, none of which the ladies from the Golden Spoke knew, so they strolled around, smiling and flirting and chatting. When the musicians began to play other dances, Hosea danced a polka with Fanny, a march with Claudine, and a schottische with Alice. When the waltz started, he was swept into the street by Edna.

  “Are you ready to surprise them?” Edna beamed. “We’ll make that queen of yours jealous.”

  Hosea placed his arm around her. “Do you mean Queen Vashti or Queen Victoria?”

  “We’ll make her jealous, too,” said Edna, and they were off. “Look, they’re all watching us.”

  Hosea looked and saw her co-workers staring in surprise. He also saw Susanna whirling opposite them in the arms of Hiram, or was it Big Nate? They looked so much alike, he couldn’t tell. He
felt a twinge of jealousy.

  Edna was all smiles and, at the end of her moment of triumph, several men came forward to ask her to dance.

  Having fulfilled his promises to dance with each of them, Hosea was debating whether or not to ask Susanna to dance when he heard her voice next to him. “That was something else.”

  His heart jumped as he turned toward her. Presented with the perfect opportunity to ask her to dance, he suddenly felt shyer than usual. “Miss Edna wanted to surprise everyone,” he said.

  She flicked open her fan. “I mean your answer to her question. A compliment that wasn’t quite one, if you know who Vashti and Ahasuerus are.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  She gave him a knowing look. “Vashti was deposed, so naturally she’d be jealous of any new concubines brought into the harem, while it doesn’t matter who Ahasuerus chooses first. He gets them all in the end.”

  Hosea bowed his head. “You make me quite ashamed if you think I meant that.”

  She laughed. “Don’t bother.”

  “Don’t bother what?”

  “Feeling ashamed. You lose the feeling after you’ve lived in a brothel for long.”

  Hosea got a sinking feeling. “I hope not.”

  She looked past him. “Hope you won’t lose the feeling or hope you won’t live in a brothel for long?”

  “Both.” He turned to see what caught her attention, but only saw Claudine talking to a rough-looking fellow with his arm around her. He turned back around, silently berating himself. How could he have been concerned about encouraging immodest attire when he, a vicar, boarded in such an immodest place?

  Susanna smiled coquettishly at a man who strolled by before glancing over at Claudine again. “Might as well enjoy yourself. It’s not every vicar who can boast of dancing with an entire brothel.”

  Despite her mocking tone, in the lantern light she had a soft glow. Hosea thought if she had wings and a fiery sword instead of a fan that she would be mistaken for an angel. The look on her face as she watched Claudine was not unlike that of an avenging angel.

  “Not an entire one,” he said. “We haven’t danced. Not that it was my intention to dance with an entire brothel. I mean—” Why could he not say something coherent? “Miss Gomer, would you care to dance?”