Safe Harbor?

by Wardell, Heather

  Chapter Sixteen

  I swam every night in the condo pool and took lots of baths and spent time at the pond to let water help me with my emotions, and I did my best to stay away from people and situations that stirred me up, and somehow that got me through the days until Owen’s return. Standing at the airport to meet him, though, was torture as people rushed around me, their worry and happiness and love and hate and frustration like a million tiny pins puncturing holes in my fragile calm.

  When I finally saw him leaving the customs area, dragging his suitcase with his briefcase strapped atop it and looking around for me, my heart filled with gladness and relief and I hurried over to greet him blinking back tears.

  “Hey,” he said, smiling at me with what looked like true pleasure. “Nice to see you. I’ve got your birthday present in my--”

  Then he staggered as I threw my arms around him.

  “Easy,” he said, a chuckle in his voice as he pulled me close. “You’ll knock me over.”

  “I missed you,” I murmured, so overwhelmed to feel his touch quieting the cacophony around us that I barely knew what I was saying. And he’d remembered my birthday was yesterday! He hadn’t said anything in the chat and I’d assumed he’d forgotten all about it.

  “I can see that.” He gave me a squeeze, then tried to ease himself out of my grip. “We’re kind of in the way, though.”

  He was right, though I didn’t want to admit it. I’d reached him while he was still on the ramp leaving customs, and people were detouring around us. In his arms I couldn’t feel their emotions, but I didn’t have to because their faces made it clear how they felt about us blocking their path.

  Owen withdrew from me and I shivered as emotions hit me again. Then he extended his hand, looking embarrassed but also pleased. “Come on. Let’s get out of all this noise. Let’s go home.”

  I entwined my fingers with his, and for the first time in two weeks everything felt right.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Oh, no, I can’t talk about it, even though I’d love to. Celia will yell at me again.”

  Dawn was smiling, but her eyes were cold and everything I felt coming off her was cold too, cold and uncomfortable, like walking through mist on a dark scary night. “I didn’t yell,” I said, knowing it was pointless but unable to hold myself back. “I just didn’t want you talking about how to ruin Eric’s marriage. Especially not so loudly.”

  Dawn turned to Erin. “Was I loud?”

  “Little bit,” she admitted. “People were staring at us.”

  “You should have told me that. I would have been quiet then.”

  I doubted it, and I also couldn’t believe she’d spent the entire month since our last dinner being annoyed with me for ‘yelling’. You’d think a woman who was clearly still trying to break up a marriage would have other things on her mind.

  “So, what’s new with you guys? Since I’m not allowed to talk myself.”

  Erin rubbed at her ear as if there were water in it. “Funny, I didn’t hear anyone say that. Am I going deaf?”

  “Celia doesn’t like it when I talk,” Dawn said, and when she turned to me I felt the full force of her anger and then nothing.

  Well, almost nothing. She was trying to lock away all her emotions, but her anger at me was leaking through little cracks in the barriers she’d set up.

  It made me feel sick.

  Because it reminded me of Owen.

  He was better at the barriers, and his emotional silence wasn’t cold like Dawn’s but somehow felt quiet and peaceful where hers felt creepy, but they were doing the same thing. Locking away their emotions.

  I’d thought at first he didn’t have any, and I’d decided to marry him based on that, but since then he’d leaked a few times too which proved I’d been wrong. He did have them, he was just locking them away.

  Would he be better off without those barriers? Maybe. But what would I do if they ever fell? Where would I ever feel safe?

  *****

  Owen’s barriers stayed as solid as the concrete walls of our condo throughout August, and our lives together took on a calm comforting constancy. We went to work together, came home together, watched TV and read and grocery shopped and every few days had sex together. I still hadn’t gotten completely naked, but Owen didn’t seem to mind. His birthday present had been another slip, pale pink with gorgeous black lace, and I’d worn it to sleep with him so often that the mere sight of it now turned me on.

  He’d been away on a few little business trips, just a couple of days at a time, but it wasn’t until the beginning of September that I faced another big block of time without him.

  Glad he’d been home yesterday when I returned from an exhausting dinner out with my friends at which Dawn regaled us with how horrible Eric was and even had the audacity to blame us for not warning her off him, I sat on the bed watching him pack. “What’s the weather like in Florida right now?”

  “Hot. Not looking forward to wearing suits for my meetings.”

  “I hope your conference rooms are airconditioned. And I’ll think cool thoughts for you.”

  He grinned. “You do that. Can’t hurt, might help. At least Lawrence held off on the crazy hot places until the fall. He just told me today I’ll be going to Los Angeles in October.” Awkwardly, he added, “But don’t worry, I’ll be here for... the wedding.”

  I couldn’t imagine Melissa marrying Nicholas would be a fun time for Owen, but I was glad he’d be there for the sake of family harmony. Not wanting him to dwell on the wedding, I said, “Good. And seriously? L.A.?” I bounced up and down, being goofy to distract him. “I’ve always wanted to go there.”

  He raised his eyebrows and copied my “Seriously?”

  I bounced some more. “Disneyland, my friend, Disneyland. I love Winnie the Pooh and I’ve always wanted to meet him. Can I come? I can, right?”

  “I can’t go to Disney, I’ll be working.”

  I shrugged. “I’ll go by myself. I won’t be any trouble. You won’t even know I’m there. And I’ve got two weeks of vacation so I can take the time off.” I wanted to go on and pretend to beg him, since I couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t let me join him, but his frown cut me off. “What?”

  “Two weeks, for the twelve months from when you started work, right?”

  I nodded. Nadine had made it clear that my vacation allotment rolled over on the anniversary of my start date each year.

  “Then Disney’s out, I’m afraid. And out until you get more than two weeks.”

  I blinked. “How come?”

  He walked toward his dresser for more clothes. “The cruise,” he said without looking back.

  We’d never discussed a cruise. Had we?

  As I sat trying to remember, he said, “With Mom and... and the others. Next March.”

  I stared at my husband’s back. “You want to do that again?”

  “Doesn’t matter what I-- it happens every year. Has done for decades. Mom would kill us if we didn’t go. And I’m not sure I don’t mean that literally. We have to be there.” He turned to face me, his arms full of dress shirts. “Sorry, Celia. We’ll get you to Disneyland some day, but not this year.”

  His tone was definite but I couldn’t quite let it rest. “If you don’t want to do the cruise, though, you don’t have--”

  “I do have to,” he said, dumping the shirts beside me, “and you do too. We don’t have to hang out with the others, except at dinner, but we need to go.” He sighed and sat down on my other side. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew. Didn’t I tell you, that day we agreed to get married, that we’d be going on the cruise?”

  I thought back. “If you did I guess it went over my head. Honestly, I was just so surprised you were saying yes.”

  He chuckled. “Why surprised? Wasn’t it obvious I was going to go for it?”

  “Not even a little bit.”

  I considered adding, “But I’m glad you did,” but it felt too mushy for us.

  As I d
ecided I should say it anyhow, because he should know how well I thought our marriage was working out, he pushed to his feet and said, “Well, back to packing. Could you possibly grab that laundry from the dryer for me?”

  “Sure.”

  I went off to collect his clothes and wondered whether he thought we were working out well too, or if that was just me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The Saturday after Owen’s return from Los Angeles, we sat on an uncomfortably hard wooden church pew awaiting the start of Melissa and Nicholas’s wedding. Owen had been quite cheerful when I met him at the airport, and I hadn’t been as stressed as when he’d returned from Texas, and so we’d had a good few days together, but he’d woken up silent this morning and he’d barely spoken to me all day.

  Austin sat beside me chattering away, which was fine because it didn’t stop me sketching the floral arrangements on my wedding program. I didn’t want to stop, because indulging my love of drawing kept me from thinking about why Owen was so bothered by Melissa’s wedding.

  Unfortunately, eventually Austin lost interest in me and decided to harass my husband. “Thought you were in LA, Owen,” he said, leaning across me.

  “I was.”

  “Was there no sun there or something? You’re so pale. Couldn’t you spare even an hour or two from... whatever you were doing in your free time... to hit the beach?”

  Owen just shook his head.

  “Huh,” Austin said, but as I began to wonder what he thought Owen had been doing instead of working, since clearly there was something on his mind, the church fell quiet and I looked back to see a tall guy in a tux walking down the aisle with a older woman I didn’t know in a rich purple dress. She had her arm tucked into his, looking quite pleased to be with such a young handsome man.

  “That’s Mel’s mom Deborah, and Nicky’s buddy Mark,” Austin whispered to me. “He’s the best man. And his wife Wendy’s the maid of honor. For some reason she married him when she could have had me.”

  “Nobody could stand to have you,” I whispered back, but I was smiling because I appreciated the information. Owen certainly wasn’t helping me know who was who.

  Austin chuckled quietly. “So true, sis-in-law.”

  Once Deborah was seated Mark left the church via a door near the altar, and moments later I saw Nicholas escorting Linda, who looked even more slender than usual in a deep blue skirt and jacket, to her seat with Raul pacing along behind.

  “That’s my brother and my mom and her husband,” Austin whispered, amusement in his voice, and I elbowed him. At most weddings I’d attended the groom’s mother was seated first and then the bride’s, but Melissa and Nicholas had probably realized that leaving Linda sitting with nothing to do for a second longer than necessary would result in loud comments or other foolishness.

  Nicholas left through the same door Mark had used, after accepting a hug from his mom and from Raul, then he and Mark returned accompanied by an older gentleman who had to be the minister.

  As they arranged themselves at the altar, Austin said softly, “That’s my brother and--”

  “Honestly, you’re an idiot,” I whispered back. “Why do women put up with you?”

  Austin shot me a wink, somehow putting all his sexual prowess into it, and I felt my cheeks growing hot. To hide my reaction, I elbowed him a second time and looked away.

  He chuckled again then murmured, “Sorry, I’ll behave.”

  “Doubt it.”

  “You’re smart.”

  A calm quiet classical piece I didn’t know began playing, and I joined everyone else in looking back to see a tall brunette beginning to walk down the aisle. She wore a long pale blue dress and carried a single lavender rose with a pale pink ribbon tied around its stem, and she was grinning. I turned back to the front to see who was the target of her happiness and saw Mark grinning back at her the same way. Nicholas just looked nervous.

  Once Wendy reached the front and took her place looking back toward the entrance, the music swelled and we all got to our feet as Melissa and a man who looked so much like her he must be her father appeared.

  She wore the traditional white dress I’d thought would look silly at my wedding, but it suited the sweet little church perfectly. Its long sleeves reached her wrists, its full satin skirt was topped with lace, and wrapped around her neck above the undecorated bodice of the dress she wore a gorgeous silk scarf in soft shades of pink and blue and purple, the same colors of the roses in her bouquet and of Wendy’s outfit.

  I took that all in in only a moment, because once my eyes focused on Melissa’s face I couldn’t look away. She’d always been pretty, but even through her veil she was glowing so brightly now she was beautiful. On the arm of her father she floated up to the front of the church, where he gave her a hug then shook hands with Nicholas before taking his seat.

  Melissa and Nicholas turned toward each other, both smiling so hard I thought it must hurt, then joined hands and faced their officiant.

  He went through the ceremony, but I barely listened. I watched instead, seeing Melissa and Nicholas staring into each other’s eyes and feeling the intensity of the love between them. This was so exactly the opposite of my wedding that it was hard to believe Owen and I were just as married as they would be.

  Eventually that moment came. The officiant pronounced them husband and wife, and as we clapped Nicholas put her veil back. He didn’t kiss her right away, though. He stood looking into her face, as she looked up at him, and I couldn’t hold back a little gasp as the love I’d felt before hit me again with so much more force. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be loved like that.

  And I knew I’d never know.

  *****

  Hours later at the wedding reception, Austin, keeping me company while Owen used the washroom, started to turn to me then laughed. “Sorry, Celia, I’m sticking out.”

  He certainly was.

  Since the wedding was the weekend before Halloween, Melissa and Nicholas had encouraged us all to change into costumes for the reception. A lot of their guests were from the horror movie club they both enjoyed, so a wide variety of strange and scary monsters hung out by the bar or struggled to dance despite their huge costumes.

  Melissa and Nicholas both had foam hatchets attached to the backs of their heads, with a significant amount of fake blood cascading down onto the thrift-store prom dress and tux they’d changed into, and they were out on the dance floor making those hatchets bounce.

  Owen, predictably, hadn’t wanted to bother with a costume, but I’d insisted. I hadn’t spelled it out to him, but I’d been sure that not taking part would make him look like he was still miserable about losing Melissa to his brother and I didn’t want that. He must have come to that conclusion himself, because when he returned from L.A. and saw the vampire costumes I’d put together for us he’d just rolled his eyes a bit and said, “Could be worse.”

  Austin’s was worse. He’d decided to go as a genie, but not just any genie. He’d somehow managed to build a velvety stuffed lamp around himself so that the part the genie would come out of was directly over his crotch. I’d lost count of how many women had offered to rub him, and I suspected a lot more had when I wasn’t listening. He seemed delighted with himself, and no wonder.

  “The best thing about weddings,” he said to me once he’d figured out how to face me without hitting me with his spout, “is picking up ladies.”

  I raised my eyebrows, feeling my thick white makeup fighting the movement. “Sorry mine disappointed you.”

  He winked at me. “Who says it did?”

  I stared at him, and he laughed. “I’ll never tell,” he said. “But I had a good time, let’s say.”

  As I ran through our guest list to see who might have fallen prey to Austin’s charms and realized he’d had a few options, he said, “Actually, I preferred your wedding.”

  I looked around at the party, which seemed far more his speed than the dinner we’d had. “Really? Why?”r />
  He shrugged. “Too mushy here. You and my boring-to-the-core brother treated it like you were buying a car from him, and I like that better. The more emotional you are, the more irrational, the less likely things will work.” He jerked his head toward his mother and Raul, who appeared to be having an argument off in the corner. “See? Like that.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to thank him for reducing my wedding to a transaction, but I also couldn’t argue. A thought hit me, and before I could decide not to ask it I sucked down the last of my wine and said, “Austin, what did you think Owen was doing in L.A?”

  He blinked. “I’ve fallen off your train of thought. What?”

  “Before the wedding you were talking about how he’s not tanned. Why? What’s the point? Where do you think he was?”

  He shook his head. “Am I going to ruin two of Owen’s marriages? Nah, I think not. Never mind.”

  “You mean...” Remembering a big part of Melissa’s issues with Owen, I said, “Are you talking about his gambling? You think he did it there? Most likely, now that I think about it.”

  Austin stared at me. “You know about it? You don’t care?”

  “Why should I care? He uses his own money and I know he’s not stupid enough to spend what he can’t afford. I also know he worked damn hard on that trip, and if he let off some steam in the casino that’s fine by me.”

  “Oh.”

  Austin, for once, looked speechless, and so funny with it that I had to laugh. “Seriously, I’m fine. I know he gambles on the cruise, and probably on his trips too. It’s--”

  I cut off my words as Linda stomped past us, her head high.

  “Was Mom crying?”

  I looked after her. “Not sure. She’s definitely upset though.” I could feel it. Sadness and frustration and a deep ferocious rage I didn’t understand. There’d been hints of it before but now it was exploding from her.

  “Yeah.”

  I put my hand on his, below the bright purple cuff of his ridiculous costume. “But thanks. For making sure I was okay with Owen. Nice of you.”