“Well, they’ve succeeded,” I mumbled.
Dishing up the takeout food, Kayden dropped the empty cartons into the big brown bag and let out a deep sigh as if he’d been holding it in, “Valerie. I understand where you’re coming from. I understand why you feel like you do, but this is Flynn we’re talking about. The guy would move mountains for you if you said it was blocking your sunlight,” he said, as his eyes searched my face, “I’m going to get to the bottom of this, Valerie, not you—me. Mom and Dad are incensed at his behavior. They saw it on the news while I was there. I told them you were upset and that we were coming over to be with you. I’ve asked them to give you both some space today, but they’re coming over tomorrow.” I was thankful for not having to deal with my parents at that point because I knew my dad especially would have a lot to stay about it one way or another.
Kayden and Amber coaxed me to eat and left just before 11:00 p.m. As soon as I closed the door, I grabbed my cell to check for messages because I hadn’t been able to say goodnight to my little boy and my heart was in tatters. I should have been out of my mind that Flynn had taken Liam with him, but I knew enough about him as a parent to know that he’d never use Liam as a tool to get his own way. Although it hadn’t made me any less angry he’d chosen to take him away like he had.
I stood and then made my way upstairs, undressed and found myself sitting on the floor in the shower with warm water mingling with my salty tears as the powerful shower spray pelted relentlessly down on my head. My hair was plastered to my neck, face and back, but I sat motionless as I prayed the water would wash all the negative things I’d been thinking. My emotions flitted from offended to rage, then a hundred other emotions that racked my body until it finally settled on the two I really hated: abandonment and rejection.
Tilting my head back I felt the water fall, its pressure like tiny needles pricking my face, stealing my breath, as I fought not to inhale it. It was a suffocating feeling. Pretty much how I felt when we’d lost Martin and Adam, but this time, I’d have to face what I lost on a regular basis when I went to work or spent time with Liam. I imagined that would feel like death without a body to bury, and it was one of the most difficult things to endure, never to have closure.
I continued to cry until the water ran cold. Finally, I stood and numbly left the sanctuary of the shower, wrapping a towel around my exhausted body. I took a smaller one and wrapped it around my head, and then I crawled into bed still damp and willed sleep to come. I began to hate the ceiling above the bed. I’d been staring for what seemed like forever, as if the answer to correct everything bad that had happened would miraculously appear for me to read. Two hours later, I finally succumbed to sleep.
*****
I woke up the following morning and struggled to drag myself out of bed. Exhausted from crying, I lacked energy and figured there was no reason to get up anyway. The feeling once again reminded me of the same kind of depression I’d suffered after my brothers’ funerals. My stomach clenched in discomfort when I recognized that feeling; it forced me to get out of bed and dress.
I dug deep because I knew if I allowed thoughts about Flynn to monopolize me they’d soon consume me and I’d be a slave to them. Just like when the boys died I had to find the guts to stop my feelings from dragging me into a downward spiral. I swiped my cell off the nightstand. When I saw that Flynn hadn’t called back I was even more determined not to allow what was going on to render me totally immobile.
Falling back on my own work, I called around until I found a model to do an ad-hoc photo shoot. It was how I’d survived after the boys deaths, so I decided that I’d throw myself into something that kept my mind busy for a while.
Ronaldo Flores was a second generation Spanish immigrant who studied Art at the local university before settling in my town. I’d used him once before a few years previously, but the second shoot I’d set up had gotten canceled at the last minute. I’d rung a few of my favorites but they were either out of town or working their day jobs, so I felt relieved when Ronaldo agreed to come over and do a male only session in my small studio at home. I still had a few props there, and I’d figured we’d do some outside barn shots before moving inside.
Both Kayden and my mom called to check up on me and were surprised to hear what I was doing. Ten minutes later, my dad happened to be walking past my house. I called bull on that; it was a good five minutes down the field from their place, and no one just happened to pass by our place.
It turned out that Ronaldo was just the distraction I’d needed to keep myself sane. He was funny and good-natured, and a dream to photograph. During the last half hour, he was shirtless and I struggled a lot with that because when I watched him flex and stretch, my mind wandered to Flynn’s beautiful sculpted abs, hard lines and the feel of his beautiful smooth, warm skin under my hands. My throat constricted, and I stayed behind the lens a lot longer than I’d intended, just to get my feelings in check when I thought about that.
At the end of the session, we agreed on another after finding a model to compliment him for the next shoot. I called my mom and Kayden, checking in to tell them I was editing and didn’t want to be disturbed. I didn’t edit. Instead, I left the studio, crawling back under my comforter and stayed there for the rest of the night.
Chapter 13
Pain and sadness
Flynn
Spending three days with Liam and Teague kept my mind from wandering too far into my situation during the day, but the nights were sheer hell. Lying awake, I thought and rewound to the girl backstage. I was pretty sure she was the same one that was half-naked but wearing my shirt in the hotel bedroom.
It was Sunday morning and we were heading back to the airport and to Iowa. Lee handed Liam to me, and I strapped him into his booster seat while Liam did his best to become the most awkward passenger ever to sit in one. He was cranky and missing his mom, and I felt shitty for keeping him away from her. That hadn’t been my intention I had just wanted to spend some time with him, but I got that’s how it probably had appeared.
Lee glanced at me struggling to keep him in check and smirked before he slid behind the wheel, and once I’d finally secured him, we headed for the airport. Liam asked for music, already recognizing when it was too quiet. Music was like the best flu medicine to me, so I was happy to oblige.
One Republic was just hitting the bridge of their song “Apologize,” and I twisted my lips in disgust. It was like some sick kind of omen for what would happen when I faced Valerie. The previous few days I had felt like someone had ripped my heart out and played volleyball with it. It now felt deflated, tired, and sluggish.
Singing together had helped me keep Liam awake and by the time I’d secured him in his seat on the plane he was curled up with a huge pillow and snuggled against the special headrest the charter had provided for him. I took my chance to catch a nap myself because I’d felt drained and I knew that after I’d seen Valerie it was a distinct possibility sleep would elude me again that night.
The flight itself was uneventful and once we’d landed Liam chatted to me non-stop about seeing his mom. Every time he said the word my heart squeezed about the serious decision I’d taken. Valerie was my weakness, I hated the clichéd word Kryptonite, but that was about the only thing I could think of that came close for the helpless love I held in my heart for her.
My mind wandered and every mile closer to home we got, the more anxious I became. I had dreaded the discussions we would have to have to be civil for Liam, the band, and specifically, Kayden and Amber. It was less than three weeks before they were due to be married and both Valerie and I had key roles in the ceremony. I would understand if Kayden decided to have someone else, maybe he already had. Would they want pictures with me in them if I was no longer part of their daily lives?
Two miles from home my cell rang and for a second I thought it was Valerie calling to see when we’d be there. When I saw it was Clay, I was disappointed. She hadn’t called in the
three days since I’d called her. Then again, I knew I’d been pretty curt with her during our last conversation, and despite telling her Liam would call her, he hadn’t. That wasn’t deliberate; he’d fallen asleep each day before we got to his normal bedtime routine. I had thought to call and tell her that, but I knew we’d only start arguing again, and I couldn’t face that. In hindsight, I should have at least texted her to let her know.
With regard to the pictures, Clay and Lee had requested the videotape from the hotel CCTV, but the hotel management were so officious I had to make a complaint through the legal channels to get access to it. It had taken a lot of time to finally get the videotape, and I knew Clay was gathering more information.
“Bingo. We’ve got her. Manager identified her from the video.”
My lawyers had drafted a strongly worded allegation advising the hotel we’d be sharing what happened with the press unless they proactively resolved the security threat to me and help track down the woman in the video. We also wanted to discover how she’d managed to gain entry to my room.
“And?” I asked when he’d paused.
“And it turns out she replenishes the VIP suites.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“You know, those people that stock the mini-bars daily. They do other stuff like put items you request in the fridge, add champagne, roses and other shit you want before you arrive. It doesn’t get there by magic, Flynn.”
“Room service?”
“Kind of like that but in a hotel that size they have staff with that specific role. They take their staff members that have access to the high floors seriously. They are the most trusted employees, vetted to ensure they have no criminal record and are known for their discretion. They have to sign non-disclosure forms that are legally binding.”
“So she had access to the room the whole time?”
“Yeah, a master key. She was identified in the hotel foyer at 3:00 a.m. and entered the service elevator. As you know, your floor has very limited access, but as she worked there until a week ago, she was able to walk straight into your suite. The key codes are changed every ten days.”
“Fuck. She had some nerve, undressing and putting my shirt on to take a picture while I was asleep. That’s just plain fucking creepy. Did they catch her?”
“Yeah, and it wasn’t just a straightforward case of her looking for money for the story either. She’s a fan of Tyler Chisholm’s. The way she sees it, you sent him to jail, and she was out for revenge.”
“Holy fuck. She could have stabbed or shot me. Does she know, Tyler?”
Lee winced at my comment and looked worried, and I realized it was because of my question and that he’d feel responsible for not being there.
“No, she’s just a nut-job fan that thought she’d plot something on his behalf. She’s admitted she stole the backstage pass from your luggage as well.”
So there was a logical explanation for it after all, but too late for Valerie and me.
Lee drove up to the gates and after clicking the gate opener attached to the visor above his head, I watched as the metal gates opened slowly. My heart was thumping in my chest at the thought I was about to be face to face with Valerie again. Knowing that I had the answers to prove my innocence made me angrier than I’d already been—I’d been vindicated but not before my family’s life had been shredded.
Liam squealed in delight when he saw the old family dog, Buster, come half-walking half-running toward the car. When I saw him, my mind flitted to a memory of Martin, and the story he’d told me about Buster being Valerie’s dog. I asked Lee to stop the car so that we could get out. Liam headed straight for Buster, who fussed around him while he giggled heartily, and stroked the dog’s shaggy coat.
I cast worried glances to the side and I saw the soft light glowing in the window beyond the porch of our house. The sound of Lee driving off to park the car brought my attention back to Liam. I lifted him over the fence and watched as he took off running as fast as he could in the direction of his mom. It choked me. Every step I took that brought me closer to the porch of our house, the bigger the lump in my throat grew.
It had been much easier to say what I had to her when I was hundreds of miles away, but the rawness of the situation between us suddenly struck me again. I couldn’t face it. I needed a minute to pull my feelings back. Liam had already gone inside the door that was still open. Instead of going inside, I shoved my hands deep into my jeans pockets and headed in the direction of the studio feeling lost.
The only light I turned on was in the back room. I closed the glass door to the outside quietly before heading into the dark sound booth. As soon as I shut myself in there, I sealed the world out. Inside the sound-proofed room, everything was still. Everything felt calm. Leaning over I picked up my guitar, the guitar Valerie had bought me, and started strumming mindlessly until a song came into my head. It wasn’t one of my songs, it was “Kite” by U2. I hadn’t played it for years, and it was the one song that summed up my feelings at that very moment. Tears blurred my eyes until I closed them and just let the music wash over me until I’d finished and the room fell quiet again.
Eventually, I opened my eyes to see Kayden sitting by the mixing deck, his head was resting on his arms watching me. His slow, deliberate movements revealed how sad he felt for his sister, and I felt it was probably his opinion that I’d let her down.
I thought I was doing the right thing for her. She was young with her whole life in front of her. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry about me and whether or not I wanted to be with her. I’d always thought that Valerie was the stronger of the two of us, and that was why she had never felt the need to get married. The previous few days I’d been away, it had slowly dawned on me it was because she saw divorce in our future. That was my reality check.
Kayden strode to the booth door and yanked it open.
“We need to talk,” he said, in a tone, I recognized from the Darsin men; Martin used the same voice when he was being protective of Valerie. It was so similar my breath caught at the tone. Placing my guitar on the stand, I switched off the power and followed him out when he turned away and walked to the lounge area. As he reached the table he turned, leaned his hips against it and folded his arms across his chest.
“What the fuck is going on, Flynn? Valerie’s a mess,” he said, his jaw flexing as he tried to control his anger. “I wanted to meet you at the airport, but Valerie wouldn’t tell me when you got in.”
I could see he was being measured and trying to contain his real feelings, “I guess she’s told you what I’ve decided. What can I say, man? The girl has my heart, but I can’t continue to live with someone that’s willing to ignore me when I tell her the truth. She’d rather believe a story the press has put out there on some crazy fan’s word than believe me, the guy that’s never let her down. It’s a toxic way to live. I couldn’t justify the pictures, but I shouldn’t have been put on trial for them either. I was honest with her.”
“You have to admit—”
“Already did, Kayden. I told her I knew how it looked and that I had no explanation because I didn’t. I know how it happened now, but it doesn’t matter. As hard as it will be, I’m moving out and renting somewhere close by as soon as Lee finds something suitable. Meanwhile, I’ll sleep here tonight, and I’ve got a motorhome coming first thing tomorrow. I’ll sleep in that until things are a bit more secure on the outside. None of the hotels around town have the security I need.”
“Sounds to me like you think you have it all figured out without even talking to my sister. There’s no need for any of that, Flynn. I’m sure Valerie wouldn’t want that, she’d want you to stay in the house with her or in the cabin with Rita and Lee. Hell, you can stay at my parent’s place.”
I smiled sadly at Kayden’s concern for me despite my decision about Valerie, “Thanks, that’s a really kind offer. It wouldn’t work staying in the house with Valerie. I don’t want it to ge
t messy with Liam around. No matter what decisions his parents make, that little guy has to come first. You know Valerie, she’s like a powder keg. If I stay there, we wouldn’t have a civil conversation right now.”
Kayden stared hard, a storm brewing underneath that quiet, calm exterior. He pushed off the table, his arms still folded, and headed toward the door. Looking over his shoulder at me he dropped one to his side, shook his head and slapped the wall beside him.
“You know, Flynn? I thought you were better than this. I never thought you’d roll over and walk away instead of fighting for what you want. You can’t want my sister that much after all if you’re willing to throw your family away over a few pictures. Val was right to question them. She should know better than any of us whether those images are real, she’s a fucking photographer,” he said and slapped his hand hard against the wall a second time.
“She knew those pictures weren’t some cut and paste job, and that’s why she had a hard time with them. As for you throwing a tantrum and fucking off to, Chicago? That didn’t strengthen your case. Had you not taken off, I’d have told her she was crazy, but the way you went about it all was very wrong. Personally, if I were Valerie, I’d be the one wanting nothing to do with you.”
“Does Amber constantly seek reassurance from you or does she trust you?”
“That’s different—”
“Why? What is different between you and me? We’re just guys.”
“You’re being ridiculous now, Flynn. You and me— we’re nothing alike. You’re on the world’s stage, and I’m in a garage working on cars. Huge difference. Can you imagine the pressure of being Valerie? Of any woman put in that position and left to deal with a man who goes out on stage night after night to thousands of women that would lie flat on their back if you nodded at them? ”
“If I’d given her reason to worry, I may understand where she’s coming from, but I’ve never looked at another woman since we’ve been together.”
Ready For Flynn,Part 3: A Rockstar Romance: Ready For Flynn Series Page 13