Rising from the chair, a suddenly panic gripped me and I strode over to the front door. I pulled it open and took off down the field as fast as I could. Fear instantly controlled every nerve ending within me and I felt terrified. I ran for my life at that moment, and before I knew where I was, the boundary wall of the Darsin property was in front of me.
Panting breathlessly from running I bent over and placed my hands on my knees. My lungs gasped in air to compensate from my breathlessness. I became vaguely aware of Valerie’s voice calling my name in the distance and began to concentrate on the sound of it. My situation confused me, my mind blank, until seconds later Lee came running down the hill toward me.
With his hand outstretched to keep me at bay, he stalked me like I was a rabid dog, “It’s okay, Flynn, you’re safe. Everything’s okay,” he said in a gentle placating tone, which seemed unfamiliar coming from him. His expression was full of concern.
Staring at him, I felt disorientated as I tried to figure out how I’d gotten there. For a few seconds nothing came to mind until the memory of that night hit me like a sledgehammer and I screamed out loud.
“It’s okay, Boss,” Lee said as he stalked closer and wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug. Murmuring his reassurance that I was safe, he began to walk back in the direction of the house still holding me tightly. At some point, I realized what was happening and turning my head I asked, “What happened to me?”
Lee glanced at me and then paid attention to the rough ground we were walking on before he replied, “Dunno, boss. I heard Valerie yelling for you, and when I looked out my window you were running away from the house like your ass was on fire,” he panted, a bit breathless from running after me.
By the time we reached the house, Valerie was by the window talking on her cell, she quickly ended the call before she ran toward me. “Thank God, you’re okay,” she said, sounding worried. The anxiety in her voice immediately gave me cause for concern, and I wondered what had happened to me. Valerie explained that she’d called Loretta who was on her way over to see us. That was even more confusing because I couldn’t for the life of me remember why I’d left the house in the first place.
Once our therapist had been seated, she talked with Valerie about what had been going on while I listened. As Valerie started recalling the exercise, it came back to me again, and my breathing became labored as the memory I’d scratched from my mind became crystal clear.
“What’s on your mind, Flynn?” Loretta gently probed.
I stared vacantly at both of them for a minute then closed my eyes slowly and spoke, “I’ve remembered what happened that night.”
“I know you’re scared Flynn, but you’re not a child any more. Face your fear. What did you see?”
My hands flew to my neck as my breathing became shallow and ragged with the adrenaline rushing through me, “H-he tried to strangle me. He…when he hit…when my brother fell, I couldn’t move. I was terrified. Paralyzed by fear.”
“Anyone would be, let alone a child who’d seen what you witnessed,” Loretta affirmed in a gentle and encouraging tone.
Valerie reached over and took my hand in hers, lacing her fingers with mine. She smiled reassuringly, and I swallowed, fighting back the nauseous feeling in my stomach and the crushing pain in my chest.
“I stood there and did nothing. I didn’t help them.”
“You’re not to blame, Flynn. You were a child and your father, the man you loved and looked up to, killed the other people you loved. It’s not your fault. Nothing that happened was your fault. You have to understand that as a child nothing you could have done would have saved them. It’s time you replaced your guilt about it with accepting it was your father’s actions, not yours that caused the death of your mom and brother,” Loretta stated, authoritatively.
Valerie lifted our hands to her lips and kissed each knuckle before wrapping her other hand around it. “Flynn, I love you even more for harboring that guilt, but none of what happened is your fault. You are a good man, a loving man. You were a child. You need to let it go and trust that other people are inherently good. Your father is in the tiny minority of human beings that take the life of another. No one would ever blame you for freezing when faced with something as horrific as you experienced.”
The relief I felt for Valerie’s acceptance and at being able to unburden myself of what had been locked up inside my head for years was indescribable. It was as if someone had tapped into a searing migraine and relieved the pressure. Years of suppressed thoughts fizzed and oozed out. I’d told them my worse secret and neither of them had flinched.
Immediately my head began to fill with lighter thoughts about how much Valerie and Liam meant to me, and I struggled again with what my father had done to the people he supposedly loved, and I cried. I sobbed for everything I’d lost, for everything my father had taken away from me that night. Eventually, my brain fell quiet.
Once she’d ensured I was settled, Loretta bid her goodbyes and headed back to her hotel in town. Valerie filled the bathtub, and we both sat in the soothing warmth together, me cradling her in my arms with her back to my chest. My hands stroked the softness of her skin. I had missed her like crazy when we’d been apart for that few days, and thanked my lucky stars she’d been able to be so forgiving about the previous week. We stayed there until the water was almost cold before drying off, slipping between the sheets and holding each other tightly.
There was no make-up sex, and no real dialogue between us once we lay in bed together. I just felt complete being there with her. I was exhausted from dealing with my monumental revelation, but I felt completely unburdened for the first time I could remember. I also felt real hope for our future. I was still awake after she fell asleep and rolled onto my back. Placing my hands above my head I inhaled deeply and wondered again how any man could hurt his child. Liam was my world in a different way to Valerie, and I knew the next time I saw him I’d hug him just a little bit tighter because he was even more precious to me because of my experience.
*****
Our sessions continued and by the third session we’d come a long way. If someone told me years before that all it took was to find the right people to support me, I probably wouldn’t have been as locked down as I was. Guilt had been replaced with acceptance, trust replaced fear and rejection. My recovery was slower than Valerie’s, but Loretta told me that was due to mine being suppressed longer than what Valerie had held on to.
The therapy worked well for Valerie, making her understand that she was transferring her feelings to me, instead of seeing me as someone who could support her with the hurt she’d suffered at the hands of Bradley and Daryl. The turning point for her was when Loretta asked her who her first love was. Without hesitation, Valerie turned and looked into my eyes and told her I was.
Wisely, Loretta then asked her why it mattered that those other two men had done what they did, because she was happy with me. I saw that question hit home when her face brightened and she nodded in agreement.
“You know, Loretta you’re absolutely right. It’s stupid, neither of them matter. I have to let it go; the only things that matter are Flynn and Liam and what happens with us. Turning to me her eyes conveyed her apology, “I’m sorry, Flynn. Deep down when I question myself about you, my conscience always tells me you’d never do that to me. I do trust you. You’ve always done the right thing for us and for me, and I need to remind myself of that in the future.”
Four sessions with a great therapist, who talked about projection, transference, transactional analysis and a shitload of theories left us more informed about our individual emotional needs. Five days of non-stop talking about our feelings following those sessions forced out so much history, and I knew my girl much better by the end of it. She had a tough exterior, but Loretta said our business confidence and emotional security were at odds. Understanding how to close that gap between the both of us was the key to our future. We’d done what we needed to�
��stood back, took stock and breathed our way to a better future.
Five days before Kayden and Amber’s wedding, we’d found the closeness we’d lost and my dick was bursting at the seams. The no sex part I’d found particularly difficult, especially the way Valerie wriggled around me and tucked her feet between my legs near my balls every night. My dick was stiffer than a month old corpse during the early hours most nights, but I knew if it meant we were in a better place going forward, I figured it was worth it.
*****
Amber and Kayden had a three day weekend planned before their mid-week wedding. I couldn’t figure why they’d wanted to marry on a Wednesday, but it had been their choice, and who was I to question them? Valerie sat at the breakfast table and looked remorsefully at Liam, who was covered in yogurt and had strawberry stains down the front of his pajamas. Yogurt was also in his hair, and when I glanced over at him, he was rubbing it into the table.
“Those are great massage moves you got there, buddy, but wouldn’t you rather eat that than make a pattern on the table?”
“Me doing art, Daddy. Making pictures like Mommy,” he said with a studious expression.
Walking around the table, I could see that in the creamy liquid he’d made lots of swirls with his fingertips.
“You are. Am I guessing or do you want to tell me what it is?”
Glancing up at me he rolled his eyes like I was stupid not to know, “It’s Lexi, Daddy.”
“Wow, Liam. I can see that now, is that her mustache?” I asked, glancing at Valerie, who hid a smirk by biting into her toast.
Liam chuckled and clapped his hands together trying to get the sticky substance off and shook his head, “Lexi not got a mushtash,” he said, trying to pronounce it.
“Hey bud, guess who’s coming today?” Valerie asked, to distract him. I knew straight away she was worried he’d say something to Lexi.
“Miiiiiiiiiiwwwwy!” Liam replied, excitedly.
“How did you guess that?” I asked, smiling at his happy little face as he bounced in his chair.
“Mommy said. Me sleep with Miwwy and Teague,” he grinned, not able to contain his enthusiasm.
I’d forgotten Melanie and Niamh were coming. I was thankful that Kayden hadn’t invited Melanie to party with us. I think he knew it was delicate for Valerie and me. Melanie and Val’s mom were babysitting Teague and Milly, and Niven would take care of Liam while we all let our hair down.
I hated admitting it, but the guy was great with him. He was firm, but kind, funny and interactive. It was easy to see that Liam enjoyed his company, and what pissed me off was that he hugged him when he hurt. It was exactly what Liam needed, but it made me angry that I wasn’t there to do that all the time.
Regardless, with the children in good hands, we were all set for a weekend of fun. What none of the ladies knew was that I had a private plane on standby ready to take us all to Miami. Amber had only ever been to Chicago, and that had been a couple of weeks ago. Niamh hadn’t even been to Iowa, and I was taking her somewhere else.
Chapter 17
Making changes
Flynn
Reluctantly we had to leave Liam behind, but once we were all in the mini-van, the girls chatted excitedly about the mystery of where we were going because us guys had kept quiet about that. Val made several smart guesses about places just out of town that could cope with a celebrity, but after we passed all of them she worked it out that we were headed to the airport. Amber’s excitement got the best of her and the screeches of excitement from her and Niamh almost ruined my perfect pitch hearing.
When we were seated on the airplane instead of being a group, we looked like three couples and a spare wheel. Rita was great at merging into the background, and although Lee was there for me, he and Niamh were able to spend some time together during the flight. Amber and Kayden were deep in discussion about their choice of music for their first dance at their wedding. Valerie snuggled up to me, linking her arm through mine, leaning her head against it, she hugged me close. I pulled my arm away and wrapped it around her shoulder pulling her closer still because I’d felt her way wasn’t close enough.
“Thank you for doing this for them,” she whispered.
“It’s nothing, Valerie. I want them to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
“I am,” she said, as she gave me a smile that made my heart melt.
I kissed her nose and placed my forehead on hers, “I’ve been thinking.”
“Damn that’s what that whiny noise was, I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from,” she teased.
I smirked wryly, “I’m serious, babe, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything we’ve talked about, and I figured that with our lives the way they are we’ve neglected the romance from our relationship. Ever since that shit in New York, and Loretta’s sessions, I’ve realized we’ve neglected that part of us. What with the band, Liam, the tour, cutting albums, all of that has left no time for us. When I’m not working, you are. You’re always thinking ahead and planning for the next thing on the list. It doesn’t leave much room for us as a young couple. When have we had time to really get to know each other? I mean really get to know one another? For example, our favorite stuff. I know a few of yours, and I know how you tick, but there is so much more to us than what we do in our working lives. Most people your age are out having fun, Valerie. I feel that what I do has robbed you of that. Us of that.”
“I don’t feel robbed, Flynn.”
“That’s because you don’t know what else is out there, babe. Our relationship developed at such a pace we just fell into what we are now. We never dated at all. We live and work with each other twenty-four seven, but Loretta taught me there is a huge amount we don’t know about each other.”
Chewing her lip in a worried way, Valerie’s eyes searched my face trying to digest what I’d said.
“So what are you suggesting?”
“We make time for each other. Time as a family and time that’s just for you and me,” I whispered seductively into her ear. “I want time to be in love with you, not just to love you,” I added.
“You’re not in love with me?” she asked looking hurt.
“Of course, I am, but I don’t want us to get complacent about loving each other. Watch Craig and Simone, they don’t behave like they’re in love any more. Watch them. He doesn’t touch her much, and he’s not that attentive. He cares about her and no doubt he loves her, but I don’t see any passion between them. I don’t see want in his eyes or any longing glances. When was the last time you saw him hold her hand just because he can?”
I could see her thinking about what I said, and she knew how tactile we were with each other. When we were close, it wasn’t enough. If we were in the same room, we gravitated toward each other. If she was near, I had to touch her. If I was talking when we were close, she’d touch me because I was close to her.
“I hadn’t thought about it much, but now that you’ve said it, I understand what you mean, but that’s them, not us, Flynn. We can barely keep our hands off each other.”
“Exactly. And I want it to stay like that. I never want to get to a point where you’re just there in front of me. I want my heart to skip a beat from the way you look at me in ten years, just like it does now. We’ll lose that if we don’t stoke the fire in our hearts every now and then.”
Glancing into my eyes, Valerie stared deep like she saw my soul.
“We both have to try. It’s not a one-sided thing. I don’t think I could ever take you for granted,” she said, brushing her lips across mine before she sat back and smiled lovingly at me.
“All right, then it starts here and now. Thrills and laughter, no matter what other shit’s going on,” I stated. I was right in my thoughts, Val and I had never had a normal courtship, and I figured that for her to feel safe, making her feel worshiped and romanced on a daily basis would help her to feel more secure.
*****
When
the plane landed, we headed to South Beach in Miami. Less than half an hour later we found ourselves at the VIP section of the latest nightclub that had opened called Dragon’s Fire. The main floor was heaving with bodies all gyrating to the amazing DJ sounds of Calvin Harris, who had been brought in to celebrate the opening.
When we had entered the nightclub, I kept my head down, and we’d made it to the stairs before someone recognized me. Someone groped my junk, and I grabbed her hand, squeezing it hard and glanced at the faces around me. Most of the faces were smiling and jostling for position to get a better look at us, but one blonde girl’s face had a pained expression. I knew she was the one that had just copped the feel.
I shoved her hand back at her and shot an angry look in her direction, but luckily, Valerie never knew it had happened. I pushed Lee between myself and Valerie to ensure she was covered on both sides as we headed up the stairs to the upper level.
Heavy duty glass stairs and banisters lined the route to the plush flooring on the upper floor. Ten square open seated areas faced the main dance floor allowing us to mingle with the other VIP’s if we wanted to socialize. We were led to the first one on the right, and I couldn’t help but notice we’d snagged the best spot because we could see the DJ and the crowd dancing below. Even though we were cut off from the main dancefloor, we still felt a part of the normal stuff happening below.
Six bottles of champagne were already chilling in coolers on the side tables dotted between the deep red velvet seating as Amber ran excitedly toward the area and sat rubbing her hands on the soft material, “Thank you, guys. This is absolutely unreal. I can’t believe you’ve done all of this for us.”
Ready For Flynn,Part 3: A Rockstar Romance: Ready For Flynn Series Page 16