Nailed It!

by Mel Campbell

  ‘I can,’ muttered the sound guy, and Rose was torn between feeling sorry for Dave and feeling relieved that they’d bought his half-baked excuse. The real problem, though, was that she was enabling him. For every bad ‘sexy’ pun he made, she was right there with an even worse reply – because at least then they were still managing to make some kind of connection, have something going on between them. And when she thought about having to come to work and not be working with him, she wanted to find a corner and cry.

  Finally they broke for lunch. Dave walked outside, and Rose was still trying to think of a way to justify following him when Michelle appeared by her side, looped her arm through Rose’s, and practically dragged her into the downstairs office.

  ‘I don’t care that you’re fucking Dave,’ she said once they were alone.

  ‘What?’ Rose felt like someone had rammed an icicle into her heart. ‘I’m not – I would never –’

  ‘If you’re going to be the kind of slut who sleeps with a married man, you definitely have to get a shitload better at lying about it,’ Michelle said.

  ‘You and I both know Dave’s not married,’ Rose said, her voice firmer. If the marriage angle was the biggest threat Michelle could make, she couldn’t have had much else to work with.

  ‘That’s better,’ Michelle said, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards. ‘Stand your ground, fight for your man, all that stuff. I don’t care.’

  ‘Whatever it is you think you’re talking about, you’ve got no proof, so it’s just your word against mine.’

  ‘Shit, Dave sure does like them stupid. If it was your word against mine, who are they going to side with? A contestant on the show, or some ratings stunt tradie they’ve hardly shown on air since she came over? If they cut you from the show at lunchtime, by dinner no one would remember you’d been here.’

  Rose folded her arms. ‘So what are we talking about here?’

  ‘I know you’re fucking Dave. If I wanted proof, I’d just get them to go over the footage from this morning. The camera crew were too busy making sure we got all the sponsors’ products in shot and catching all the times Dave fucked up, but I was paying attention. You two spent the whole morning acting like you were running lines for a very poorly written porno. That whole bit about how you had to lubricate the slots for the bracket? They couldn’t broadcast that on television, even without showing the way you were handling that caulking gun.’

  ‘But that’s how you hold a caulking gun,’ Rose said.

  ‘I don’t care,’ Michelle said. ‘I don’t care and I’m not going to have you thrown off the show. I could. But I won’t.’

  ‘Why not?’ Rose said.

  ‘If you want to fall for his sad failure act, that’s fine. I just want him to stop being so shit at his job.’

  ‘It’s not Dave’s fault,’ Rose said. ‘He thought he was coming on this show to learn how to do this kind of stuff. You and the producers have just let him flounder.’

  ‘He’s a joke,’ Michelle said bitterly. ‘You heard the camera crew. If they’re laughing at him, I can only imagine what the people at home are doing. And every time he does something shit, it makes me look shit, because I’m standing there right next to him.’ Her voice rose in volume. ‘I’ve tried to make this work, but he’s crap, and he’s making me look crap.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure it’s not just Dave that’s making you look bad.’

  ‘Careful.’ Michelle took a step forward, her pointed chin jutting out. ‘I can get you thrown off this show with a word.’

  ‘I’m sure you can,’ Rose said. ‘But if you’re concerned about looking good, getting people thrown off the show probably isn’t the way to go about it.’

  Michelle looked at her steadily. ‘I’m keeping you around because I want you to make Dave look good,’ she said after a moment. ‘I can’t have him dragging me down.’

  ‘What are you worried about?’ Rose said. ‘They don’t eliminate contestants on Mansions, so it doesn’t matter whether you’re coming first or last – you’ll still get the same amount of airtime.’

  ‘God, okay, I guess I’m going to have to spell this out,’ Michelle said. ‘I’m on this show to promote my personal brand. And my personal brand isn’t being the wife of some dipshit who can’t hold a hammer without dropping it on his foot.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not here to be one half of the loser couple who makes the shitty house, becomes a breakfast radio punchline for a week and is never heard of again. So if you want to keep boning Dave, that’s fine with me. But those “private tutoring sessions” you’ve been having are going to have to really be about teaching him some useful skills.’

  Rose smiled; she couldn’t help herself. ‘I think you’ll find he’s already got a lot of useful skills.’

  ‘Renovation skills.’ Michelle sighed. ‘Seriously, you’re acting like he’s got a magic wand in his pants.’

  ‘Guess you’ll never know,’ Rose said.

  ‘So, do we have a deal?’

  ‘Look, you know the kind of hours they’ve got Dave working,’ Rose said. ‘You’re working them right alongside him. There’s literally no time for him to learn how to do this stuff – he’s flat out actually doing the renovations. And it’s not a good look to have me holding his hand on camera.’

  ‘You’re the Ninja Tradie. It’s literally why you’re here.’

  ‘Fine,’ Rose said, ‘I’ll do what I can for Dave. Because I care for him and I want him to do well on the show, not because of anything you’ve said.’

  A sly smile crept onto Michelle’s face. ‘I think you’ll find I’ve got a little more say around here than any other contestant. Definitely more than Dave does. You’ve hitched yourself to the wrong wagon there – he isn’t going to take you anywhere.’

  This threw Rose. ‘Um, where do you think I want to get?’

  ‘You wouldn’t be on this show if you didn’t have bigger plans,’ Michelle said.

  ‘A steady pay cheque isn’t good enough?’

  Michelle looked at her with a mixture of puzzlement and contempt. ‘Why would you do this just for the money? That comes later. First you get a profile, then you get influence, and then people come to you, throwing money in your face.’

  It was Rose’s turn to look puzzled. ‘So why are you dragging Dave through all this? He just wants to learn how to fix up a house.’

  Michelle smirked. ‘You really think that’s all he wants? He’s got issues of his own he’s working out.’ Her smirk grew into a grin as she saw Rose’s expression. ‘But I’m guessing you haven’t even had time to talk about that yet. I’m guessing you haven’t been doing much talking at all.’

  ‘We talk,’ she said defensively.

  ‘I find that hard to believe,’ Michelle said. ‘Dave never was much of a conversationalist.’

  ‘Maybe he never had anything to say to you?’

  ‘I really don’t give a shit about your relationship.’

  ‘Like I said, I’ll do what I can,’ Rose said. ‘But now the pace is picking up, I can only do so much.’

  ‘Maybe a week spent away from Dave’s simple charms will help you focus.’ Michelle looked at her fingernails. ‘I’ve already won the bonus tradie ticket, so I’ll be taking home a tradie no matter what happens with the next challenge. And the more I think about it, the more we could use a good electrician.’

  Rose stayed silent.

  ‘Yeah, I think that’ll really help you remember exactly where you fit in around here.’ Michelle turned to leave. ‘The only reason you’re still on this show after fucking the husband of one of the contestants is because you’re useful to me.’ She turned on her heel and walked out of the office.

  One more thing to worry about, Rose thought. Michelle’s up to something … I’ll have to keep an eye on her.

  Rose found Dave at the food truck.

 
‘Michelle wants you back at the house,’ she said loudly. Dave’s face fell.

  ‘Not really,’ she whispered.

  ‘Oh, okay,’ he said, equally loudly. ‘Guess I’d better get back there then. Lunch will have to wait.’

  ‘I’ll go with you,’ Rose said, her voice at a slightly more normal volume. ‘I need to refill this caulking gun.’

  They hurried off towards the court.

  ‘What did Michelle want you for?’ he said in a low tone as they walked. ‘Does she know about us?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Rose said, ‘we might as well have been doing it in front of her.’

  ‘Eww,’ Dave said, then paused. ‘Wait, that’s not something you’re into, is it?’

  ‘Ugh,’ Rose said, ‘I do not want her anywhere near my sex life – real or imagined. In fact, we now can’t have sex because you have put that image in my head.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Dave was unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

  ‘Of course not,’ she said, reaching over as they walked and giving his hand a sneaky squeeze. ‘If we can find a secluded spot for the next five minutes, you’re all mine.’

  ‘A whole five minutes,’ Dave said, as they walked out into the court, the pair automatically separating just a little as they came into public view. ‘How did I get so lucky?’

  ‘You didn’t,’ Rose said, ‘because not only does Michelle know about us, she is also trying to use that information to blackmail me into teaching you to be a better handyman. Which makes no sense, because I already want to help you become a better handyman. But there it is.’

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘First, I think we should head over to the crappier side of the court and see if we can find a place to be alone over there. Michelle is definitely going to be keeping an eye on your place, and we can’t sneak into the Muellers’ – they have doors that lock.’

  ‘Whereas Sahara and Mick barely even have walls,’ Dave said, ‘We can get in there easily.’

  They turned right and hurried across the road.

  ‘And secondly,’ Rose said as they went, ‘you really do need to lift your game.’

  ‘I’m trying,’ Dave said. ‘You know I am.’

  ‘I know, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t think you had the ability to do better. But now Michelle is going to be looking for an excuse to have me thrown off the show. I can’t risk that – I need this job for my family. So if we’re going to stay together, you have to start making her look good in the renovation segments.’

  ‘That is not easy,’ he said as they stepped up off the road and onto the bare earth outside Sahara and Mick’s house. Unlike Dave’s place, this house didn’t have glass in the front windows, and inside they could see some of the walls were little more than wooden framework with silver sheets of insulation stretched across.

  They looked at each other. ‘Let’s try around the side,’ Rose said. This house had the same basic layout as Dave’s, so once they started down the right side of the house they quickly found themselves looking in through a wide gap where a series of windows and sliding doors were meant to go. They also found themselves looking in at Sahara and Mick, who were being filmed eating their lunch while trying to manoeuvre a sink into place in their kitchen.

  ‘Hey Dave,’ Mick said, waving. ‘Come to check we’ve stayed under that budget you worked out for us?’

  ‘Which we haven’t,’ Sahara said, ‘because Mick bought the wrong size sink. He’s totally stuffed up my statement kitchen.’

  The camera crew turned to face Dave and Rose; she quickly hurried on ahead while Dave stopped in his tracks.

  ‘Uh, yeah,’ Dave said cheerily. ‘Budgets can be tricky if you’re not used to the maths.’

  ‘It’s a lot more difficult when you’re working it out in your head,’ said Mick.

  ‘That’s why I use pen and paper,’ Dave said, walking towards the window, ‘so what exactly is the problem this time …?’

  Dave’s voice faded as Rose turned the corner and was now standing in Sahara and Mick’s backyard. She was still visible from inside the house, though – the whole kitchen-dining-lounge area covered the back half of the house, and none of the windows there were installed. All it would take was the camera to pan across and she’d be standing there for no good reason at all. She turned and ran to the side fence, pushing herself up and over it into the backyard of Gino and George, the footy players.

  Of course, she landed right in front of them. Gino was the larger of the pair, broad through the shoulders, with wavy blond surfie hair; George was shorter and darker, his neat beard merging smoothly with his slicked-back hair. They were both holding shovels, and were standing in front of a hole in the ground roughly the size and shape of an open grave.

  ‘Rose?’

  She turned. Moss the Boss was behind her, also holding a shovel. In fact, he was standing next to what looked disturbingly like a second open grave. And as she gazed around her, she saw the yard was little more than a series of open holes; she’d been lucky not to have fallen in one when she’d vaulted the fence.

  ‘So…’ she said, ‘what are you guys up to here?’

  ‘What are we up to?’ George said. He had a deep, melodious voice, like a radio newsreader dipped in honey. ‘Isn’t that a question we all ask ourselves, each day of our waking lives?’

  ‘But then at night, different questions surface,’ Gino said. His voice was distractingly similar to George’s; if she closed her eyes she doubted she’d have been able to tell them apart.

  ‘Questions about our place in the world, where were are coming from, and going to.’

  ‘Questions about those we have left behind – those we turned our backs on, and those who turned their backs on us.’

  ‘Sometimes those missing friends stay with us, lingering on in our hearts and minds.’

  ‘And when they linger, sometimes we find ourselves driven. Driven to reconnect, on this side of the grave … or the other.’

  There was something in Gino’s other hand, the one not holding the shovel.

  ‘This is the story of two friends, unable to let a third rest,’ he said.

  ‘Friends on a quest – for truth, for knowledge, and, maybe … for justice.’

  Suddenly Rose realised what he was holding. ‘Oh crap,’ she said, ‘you’re podcasters.’

  ‘You got us,’ George said, some of the honey draining from his voice. He was holding a digital audio recorder too. ‘I guess you recognised our cold open.’

  ‘Your what?’

  ‘The opening of our podcast,’ Gino said. ‘That’s how we introduce every episode.’

  ‘Oh yeah, right. No. I’ve never heard it.’ She turned to Moss the Boss. ‘Is this part of the show?’

  ‘Shit no,’ Moss said. ‘This is totally off the books.’

  ‘I don’t get it.’ Rose shook her head. ‘So you’re working with Moss to do a podcast about … home renovations?’

  ‘Pfft,’ Gino said.

  ‘Hardly,’ George said.

  ‘You know that I’m psychic, right?’ Moss the Boss said.

  ‘Um, no, because I’m not psychic,’ said Rose.

  ‘Good point,’ said Moss. ‘Well, I’m using my abilities to help these two find the body of their dead friend.’

  ‘Isn’t that something they do on The Slab?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Gino said, ‘we tried out for that, but they only tackle murders on that show. Without a body, it’s just a disappearance.’

  ‘So, Moss is helping you … with his psychic powers?’ Rose looked around her at the rows of holes. ‘Looks like your abilities might need some fine-tuning.’

  ‘Harsh,’ George said.

  ‘Also,’ she turned to Moss, ‘what kind of psychic are you? Do you predict the future?’

  ‘I can get impr
essions, that’s all,’ Moss said. ‘The future is … clouded to me.’

  ‘He’s here more because of his ability to communicate with the dead,’ George said matter-of-factly. ‘We’re trying to reach the other side.’

  ‘I don’t get this at all,’ Rose said.

  There was a thump behind her. She turned around to see Dave stuck at the top of the fence; he had one leg thrown over but was unable to lift his other one. ‘Little help?’ he said.

  Rose held out her arms. ‘Lean on me,’ she said. He toppled into her, and they both fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs. Dave rolled straight off her – going by the hardness she’d briefly felt pressing against her, she suspected he didn’t want to be lying on her for a second longer than necessary.

  They both ended up standing on a thin strip of ground between graves. She could tell he was enjoying the closeness a little too much for public consumption. So was she – not since her family had watched that steamy remake of Wuthering Heights had the idea of sex in an open grave seemed so tempting.

  ‘Well, we’d better get back to it,’ Rose said cheerily. ‘You guys keep on –’

  ‘What are you boys doing here?’ Dave said. ‘Are these meant to be holes to sink supports for a backyard deck or something?’

  ‘Aww,’ Rose said, ‘you have been paying attention.’

  ‘We’re podcasters,’ George said. ‘We came on Mansions because we saw they were using this housing development, and our research has led us to suspect this is where the body of our dead mate Spider’ – both the boys crossed themselves – ‘was buried.’

  ‘There’s a real live corpse down here?’ Rose flinched from the hole beside her.

  ‘Not exactly live, but I know what you mean,’ Moss the Boss said. ‘So far we haven’t found any remains, but I sense much despair and loss here.’

  ‘Maybe because it’s a failed housing estate that cost a lot of people money and went broke without paying the builders,’ Dave said. ‘I mean, that could explain it.’

  ‘It wouldn’t explain how psychic powers exist, because I’m pretty sure they don’t,’ Rose said. ‘My parents made us watch so many Soviet documentaries on the power of the mind and they were all rubbish.’