Nailed It!

by Mel Campbell

  By the evening the house was spotless, or as close to spotless as it was going to get with those blackened floorboards. And the backyard was the neatest it had ever been; it turned out the death-ray projector had seared away most of the choking ivy and weeds. Knowing her luck, Alan would try to cook again and blow up half the kitchen by the end of the week. But for now, her work here was done; she ordered a pizza, left half of it for her parents when it arrived, and fell asleep before she started on her second slice.

  On Monday morning when Rose arrived at the set, she had to show ID twice before she even made it to the car park, and there were a whole new bunch of workmen setting up a security fence along the court’s outer perimeter. So long as they kept letting her in it didn’t really worry her; a couple of people standing by the PENIS sign had tried to wave her down, but she wasn’t stopping for anyone anymore.

  Saturday had been her last day as Dave and Michelle’s tradie, so Rose stopped in at the site office to find out her schedule for the day. She’d barely walked in the door when Cody had called her into her office.

  ‘This morning is the latest Ninja Tradie challenge,’ Cody said, settling in behind her desk. ‘Which is your first Ninja Tradie challenge, so you’d better not mess it up.’

  ‘What do you want me to do?’

  ‘Nothing. Tough for a hard worker like you, but let’s give it a whirl.’ Rose opened her mouth. Cody kept right on talking. ‘Each of the contestant couples has to put together a garden shed; the winner gets first pick of the Ninja Tradies. Second place, second pick. You figure out the rest.’

  ‘Do I help out?’

  ‘I can see doing nothing is a tricky concept for you to grasp. Let’s get some practice in.’

  Cody stared silently at Rose. Rose opened her mouth, then closed it.

  ‘Good job, you’re a natural,’ Cody said after a minute. ‘You go out to the Tradie Pen, then you stand there and look competent until someone picks you, then you get to look excited about getting to do your job. Now get out of here and report to make-up. A PA’ll collect you once you look presentable.’ She looked at her watch; what was it with these people and not using their phones? ‘You’ve got twenty minutes to become the best-looking gal in the pen.’

  Full hair and make-up would have taken longer than twenty minutes, but Nita and Tania did their best to polish her up while a PA stood by, constantly muttering into her headset. Suddenly the PA was practically pulling her out of the chair and pushing her out the door: Rose didn’t even get a chance to check her reflection before she was bundled outside.

  The tradie pen was set up outside the depot’s main entrance, presumably to give the impression that the tradies were just another item to be picked up from the store. ‘Lightning’ Rod and Donald ‘Toilet’ Dark were already waiting. Rod was a beefy, dark-haired guy only a year or two older than Rose. He looked her up and down as she joined them. Donald was a skinny man in his forties wearing thick glasses; tattoos peeked out from the cuffs of his long-sleeved T-shirt.

  ‘Looking good,’ Rod said. ‘Looking real good. No wonder they brought you on board as a tasty treat for the viewers.’

  ‘Tasty treat?’ Rose shook her head. ‘I’ve been working my backside off since I arrived.’

  ‘And what a nice backside it is,’ Rod said. ‘I bet it’s been getting a lot of on-camera time.’

  ‘What is your problem?’ Rose said. ‘I do my job like everyone else here.’

  Donald rolled his eyes. ‘He’s just shitty because he was buddies with the carpenter we used to work with,’ he said. ‘When you came on board, they demoted him to background, and he quit.’

  ‘Jesus deserved better,’ Rod said. ‘He sacrificed everything for Mansions in the Sky.’

  ‘Wait,’ said Rose, ‘the previous carpenter was named … Jesus?’

  ‘Jesus Hernandez,’ Rod said. ‘He was a great guy. And they made him quit so they could get you to shake your “hard-working” backside for the cameras.’

  ‘I had nothing to do with that, so don’t snark at me,’ Rose said. ‘I didn’t even know the show had another carpenter.’

  ‘Then what are you doing here if you don’t even watch the show?’ Rod said, as a field producer who’d been talking to a cameraman at the depot’s front counter suddenly walked towards them.

  ‘I’m Lou, the challenge producer, for those who haven’t met me,’ she said, looking pointedly at Rose. ‘This’ll be pretty straightforward: when I call your name, you strike a pose that makes you look hard-working and competent without going over the top. We’ll use that to introduce you, then we’ll get a couple minutes of you waiting around to edit into the Ninja Tradie Challenge segment. Then you’re free for the rest of the morning – we’ll have the results by lunchtime, so we’ll call you back here and do the awards ceremony then. Any questions?’

  The three tradies shook their heads in unison. Lou worked through her shot list briskly, though she had to give Donald a little more direction to stop his pose from looking too sinister; for some reason he kept wanting to hold his hands like claws, and eventually the producer had to tell him that was going to make the viewers think he was reaching down a toilet bowl to clear out a clog.

  ‘But that’s what I want them to think,’ he said.

  Rose just wanted to hold a power drill, but Lou had her standing in a twisted pose that Rose realised was designed to get both her butt and her boobs into the same frame. ‘You can have one or the other, but not both,’ she’d whispered when Lou came close to twist Rose’s shoulders around for the third time. The producer had gone with the butt; Rose was now looking over her shoulder at the camera. Rod was smirking the whole time, though his pose – which involved him holding a length of phallic electrical cable – wasn’t much better.

  Filming the standing-around shots only took a few minutes, and the second Lou gave them the all-clear, Rose hurried outside. ‘Don’t worry about Rod,’ Donald said, following her out and standing with her on the concrete path that led back to the court. ‘A lot of these guys see being on this show as their big break. When you turned up and walked into a Ninja Tradie slot it made a lot of them angry. And it’s not like you’re the only one who got hired for their looks, anyway – you’re not seeing a lot of chunky or pimply tradies working on this site.’

  ‘I’m used to guys being creeps,’ Rose said. ‘I guess I just let my guard down a bit around here.’

  ‘It’s only going to get worse,’ Donald said. ‘The next few weeks are when they bring in the construction crews to finish everything off. Which usually means they tear out everything the contestants have done then replace it the proper way when the cameras are facing elsewhere.’

  ‘I did wonder about some of the plumbing and wiring the contestants were doing, but I figured that’s not my department.’

  ‘It’s all for show. Do you really think even homeless people would want to live in a house that’d been renovated by a couple of game-show contestants? I sure as shit wouldn’t. They’ve basically been playing around here. The next few weeks are when the real tradies come up and redo most of the contestants’ handiwork to make these houses fit for human habitation.’

  Donald saw Rose’s face and smiled. ‘Don’t worry, you haven’t been wasting your time. They keep all the stuff we’ve been doing; it’s just the contestants’ sillier decisions that get torn out. I’ve been working at the Morgans’ for the last week and some of their ideas are insane.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Jenny had me put a bidet in the kitchen. She kept saying it was a “child sink”, even after I told her what it was really for. That decent judge, Jane, she went into hysterics when she saw it. I think they edited it out of the episode, it was so unbelievable. So I’m pretty sure that’s going to be torn out.’

  ‘You never know,’ Rose said with a smile. ‘It might come in handy.’

  ‘Yeah, if her c
ooking gives you the shits. Oh, and Chloe had me install a spa in the middle of the lounge room. You never know, they might keep that, but I’m thinking it’s really going to limit the buyers they get.’

  ‘Time-travelling swingers from the late ’70s?’

  ‘Probably not a thriving segment of the market,’ Donald said. ‘Hey, do you want to get a coffee or something? We’ve got an hour or so to wait before they need us.’

  ‘Sure,’ Rose said with a shrug. ‘As long as we avoid Rod, I’m good.’

  They were halfway to the food truck when Rose saw Dave. He was standing well away from the marquee, on the stretch of bare ground between the food truck and the Muellers’ backyard. It was a good spot to stand if you wanted to see who was coming and going around the food truck; it was an extremely bad spot to stand if you didn’t want people to see you watching them. Which meant Rose couldn’t go up to him without everyone under the marquee seeing her, and her encounter with Rod had made it very clear that there were a lot of people on the set who’d love to have an excuse to report her to Leary.

  The moment Dave saw her he practically came running. Rose had to think fast. ‘Hey, Donald,’ she said, tapping the plumber on the shoulder, ‘have you met Dave yet?’ She pointed towards Dave, who was already at the far side of the marquee; as Donald turned she quickly started walking away towards the site office.

  Donald was clearly always up for a chat. She heard him introduce himself to Dave as she walked off, and Dave was too nice a guy to just brush him off. If Dave was going to follow her, she had to lead him somewhere they could be alone. But where?

  Each pair of contestants were currently building a garden shed in their backyard, which ruled out sneaking into any of the houses. She couldn’t go back to the depot with Rod lurking around, and in the middle of the day there’d be crew wandering in and out of the equipment trucks. The site office was staffed, too, which ruled it out, and the car park had security wandering around. And there was a security fence going up around the perimeter of Corona Court, so they couldn’t run off into the vacant land all around them.

  Shit, she thought, why did I have to fall for a man who lives on a television set?

  There was no other option: she’d have to hide in a portaloo and hope Dave figured out that was where she was. If she’d thought of it earlier, she could have told Donald she was taking a bathroom break. At least then when Dave asked where she’d gone, there was a chance Donald would tell him. Too late now.

  Two of the portaloos were out of order, including the one they’d used earlier in the week. She took the one closest to the food truck, pulling the door shut behind her but not locking it. If anyone else found her, she was sure the set would be abuzz with stories about her cracking under the stress, hiding in the toilet to have a good cry after Rod was mean to her. All the usual bullshit. She’d really thought this place was different, but it was just another worksite full of smug jerks and arrogant arseholes. At least she had Dave, even if the only place they could meet was in a public toilet.

  Someone was coming. She half hoped it wasn’t Dave, that it was some other tradie, so she could let him know she wasn’t crying, she wasn’t hiding, she was coping with things just fine thanks and by the way, she was one of the stars of the show so they should start treating her with some respect instead of sniggering that she was hired because of the way she filled out a pair of shorts.

  Screw this, she thought. I have nothing to hide from these jerks.

  She threw the door open and stepped out into the mud in front of the intruder.

  It was Dave.

  ‘Oh shit,’ she said, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling him back into the portaloo with her. ‘Don’t let anyone see us,’ she hissed, reaching around him to lock the door. She leant back; he really was very close, and neither of them wanted to make contact with the toilet’s stained plastic walls. ‘Don’t touch my hair,’ she whispered, ‘we need to maintain continuity for the cameras.’

  When they paused their kissing to draw breath a few minutes later, Dave’s hands went from her back to her tool belt, feeling for the buckle. ‘No, wait,’ she panted. ‘We need to talk.’

  ‘Talk later?’ he said. ‘Sex first?’

  ‘We never get to talk later. We need to talk and now is the time.’

  ‘But, I …’ Dave slumped against the portaloo wall. ‘What do we need to talk about?’

  ‘Aren’t you meant to be doing the Ninja Tradie garden shed challenge?’

  ‘Nope. Michelle won that bonus tradie ticket last week, so whatever happens we get to pick a tradie. She decided to blow the whole thing off and go shopping for more cushions, so I figured I’d come and find you.’ He gave her a quick kiss. ‘Discussion over?’

  ‘Not quite.’ Rose looked him in the eye. ‘The Purisiser. I read about it online.’

  Dave looked panicked. ‘Oh god.’

  ‘What happened? It sounded like you had it all worked out, and then it just fell apart.’

  ‘I pushed it too far. I thought I could purify the whole world’s water.’ He let out a heavy sigh. ‘Dunno why, really – growing up, I never even liked swimming.’

  Rose smiled. ‘I guess our beach holiday’s off, then.’

  ‘It’s not funny,’ Dave said. ‘Water gives me this panicky feeling.’

  She stroked the side of his face. ‘You were just a kid. It wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘Whose fault was it, then? It was my idea, and I said yes every step of the way. I wouldn’t listen when people said I should sell the idea, let the professionals take it on. I was just in love with the idea of doing it all by myself. I thought I was going to be, I don’t know, the Steve Jobs of water.’ He grimaced. ‘I ended up the Stephen King of water instead.’

  ‘You only made a few kids sick for a little while,’ Rose said. ‘If you really were the Stephen King of water you’d have made a zombie army at the very least.’

  ‘Great, I can’t even get my career as a mad poisoner right.’

  Rose took his hands in hers. ‘It really wasn’t your fault, though. You must know that. You made a mistake when you were younger, that’s all. And we all do that. I owned and wore a Kony 2012 T-shirt. In 2013.’

  Dave laughed.

  ‘You know, you could have told me this earlier,’ she said. ‘You can tell me anything, seriously. No judgement.’

  ‘I guess. I just wanted you to see me as the successful home handyman I’ve become.’

  Now it was her turn to laugh.

  ‘I guess the time I hit my thumb with a hammer gave it away?’

  ‘It was the time you hit your toe with a hammer that really sold it. But I love that you’ve come on here to try and learn how to be handy and fix things. It’s really great that you can take a show like this and find a way to use it to make yourself a better person.’

  He looked away. ‘It’s not exactly selfless,’ he said. ‘I can tell you anything, right?’

  ‘So long as it’s not that you’re sleeping with Michelle, yes.’

  He didn’t say anything.

  ‘Oh shit, you’re not, are you?’

  ‘It was Michelle’s brother that I poisoned. Toby. Well, it wasn’t just him, but he was the one who got really sick.’

  ‘Oh shit. I didn’t know.’

  ‘There’s no reason why you would,’ he said. ‘Michelle’s using my last name on the show because of the whole fake wife thing, so even if you saw Toby’s name in the news stories, there’s no way to make the connection. Unless I told you, which I guess I just did.’

  ‘So is she, what … blackmailing you over it?’

  ‘No,’ Dave said sharply. ‘No, nothing like that at all. I was shattered when the kids started getting sick. Most of them shook it off in a day or two, but Toby just kept getting worse. I spent days by his bed in the hospital, I was crying and … well, I think t
hey let me stay because they were worried what I might do if they forced me to leave. That’s how I met Michelle and her family. They were so good to me.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Seriously. They didn’t press charges or anything.’

  Rose frowned. ‘But now Michelle has you pretending to be her husband?’

  ‘She wanted to get on Mansions to boost her career, and the only spot left was for a married couple. She asked for my help, that’s all. After everything she’d done for me –’

  ‘What, take you on a seven-year guilt trip?’

  ‘It’s the pressure of the show, really. Before we came here she wasn’t half as bad.’

  ‘So why does she even want to be on this show?’ Rose said. ‘There’s hardly any prize money, and don’t they give the houses away to homeless people afterwards?’

  ‘It’s to boost her career as an online influencer. She’s Michelle from Michelle’s Mindful Munch?’

  Rose looked at him blankly.

  ‘It’s very big online. She has a recipe blog. And an Instagram and a YouTube channel.’

  ‘If you say so,’ she said. ‘I still don’t get what’s in it for you. This is a massive commitment.’

  His face was adorably earnest. ‘I was such an arrogant dickhead when I was younger, and I don’t want that to be the way I’m remembered when I’m gone. Michelle said that coming on the show would be a great way to show everyone that I’ve changed, that now I want to learn and be a more humble man.’

  ‘But they’ve never even mentioned your past on the show.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Dave said thoughtfully. ‘That was a bit strange. Michelle told me the producers said it’d be a bit of a bummer, living in the past and all that. So we decided not to bother.’

  ‘“We” decided?’ Rose snorted. ‘I bet that once you two were accepted to the show, she asked them not to make a big deal out of the Purisiser thing. She probably said it was for “privacy” reasons and went on about your troubled past and all that, but really – really, she just didn’t want you taking any of the spotlight away from her!’