Nailed It!

by Mel Campbell

  ‘I’m guessing that kind of protection doesn’t come cheap, either,’ Rose said.

  ‘Someone really messed up this season,’ the tradie said. ‘Usually we manage to keep the location a secret right through until the end. The fans always think we’ve got something to hide, so once word gets out about where we’re filming, they’re all over the place.’

  ‘They’re definitely starting to swarm,’ she said, watching the guard drag the fan away. When she turned back, Josh had hurried off, continuing on his way to the Muellers’. Of course he’d want to keep his head down after what had happened with the Sword of Damocles; being the man who installed it would make him the focus of a lot of unwanted attention if it turned out Sahara was more badly injured than she looked.

  As she watched the guard and fan recede into the distance she saw an ambulance – lights off, no sirens – coming down the main road towards the court. A camera crew ran out to film its approach. Looks like Mick got his wish after all, she thought. And maybe he’s not the only one.

  If Sahara was okay – and the ambulance’s lack of sirens suggested its arrival wasn’t urgent – then this was exactly what the producers would have been hoping for. They’d been filming the whole thing, and even if all they’d wanted was shots of Rose looking appalled at the Sword, having it actually falling down on camera would be ratings gold. Shit, she thought, even I’d tune in to watch that.

  Leary might not have planned for the chandelier to fall on a contestant – or at least fall near one – but the fact he had signed off on something so dangerous was a pretty big tell that he was happy for an accident to happen. Thinking back to Leary’s weird glee at her dog rescue on The Dock, Rose realised that on-set accidents were just potential sources of on-screen drama to him. And with Moss the Boss gone, things were only going to get worse.

  Rose shivered. Ahead, the ambulance parked in front of the site office. Sahara and Mick quickly walked out to meet it with Cody beside them, a second camera crew joining the first to film everything.

  The three were already standing behind the ambulance by the time its driver had climbed out of the cab; the paramedic opened the rear doors; Sahara climbed in; another paramedic reached out to shut the doors while the driver returned to the cab. The ambulance started up, made a smooth three point-turn, and headed back the way it came, leaving Cody and Mick standing by the side of the road. The whole operation had taken maybe two minutes at most.

  Rose watched the ambulance go. She suspected she’d see it again.

  The rest of the week was a blur. Sahara was back by mid-afternoon, and Mick had been a more than capable micro-manager in her absence. Rose had thought the producers might have wanted to film a segment with her talking about what had happened with the Sword of Damocles, but it was never mentioned again. And if Mick and Sahara spent more time than usual that week on the confession couch, she didn’t notice.

  Having the Pereiras second-guess her every move was exhausting. She’d spent an entire day building a feature wall that was just a row of floor-to-ceiling hardwood strips nailed to MDF sheeting. By herself it would have taken an hour or two, tops. First Mick and Sahara disputed her measurements for the MDF sheeting, claiming it wouldn’t fit the wall. Then they’d tried to tell her she was drilling her screw holes in the wrong place. Then they’d ruined two sheets of hardwood by cutting it using power saw blades that didn’t have enough teeth. Then they’d wanted the strips arranged in order from thickest to thinnest, even though Rose had told them that a random arrangement was the best look. And when the Pereiras had realised she was right and decided to go back to having them at random, they’d nailed each strip on at the same height, so the nail heads made a glaringly obvious horizontal line across the wall of vertical strips. The end result looked good, but only because Rose had fixed their mistakes at every stage.

  And that was an easy day. She couldn’t even get anything done when the Pereiras were away for long stretches, or by escaping to the depot for an hour or two to collect supplies, because as soon as the couple saw her again, they’d make her undo everything she’d managed to achieve while she’d been on her own.

  It wasn’t just the Sisyphean lack of progress that was taking it out of Rose; it was the emotional labour she was having to put in just to get the practical work done. Trying to remain patient as she explained the logic of a simple process for the umpteenth time. Soothing the Pereiras’ constant anxiety that they were falling behind, and reassuring them that they were making the right decisions. Subtly manoeuvring them into thinking they’d come up with a plan themselves, when it had been Rose’s idea all along.

  And then when she left the site at the end of each day, just wanting to get home and out of her grimy, sweat-stained clothes, she had to a run a gauntlet of screaming, dusty fans. By now the crowd was well past the PENIS sign and spilling onto the road. Some had even set up tents; it looked like a music festival. By the time Rose got home, she’d been so wrecked that she hadn’t been able to do much more than collapse on her bed every night. She hadn’t even seen any of this week’s episodes.

  She promised Nicola she’d make it up to her on the weekend; she was still exhausted on Saturday night, but knowing she could sleep in the next day was enough to keep her eyes open when Nicola appeared on her laptop screen.

  ‘Damn, you’ve been doing it hard,’ Nicola said, much closer to the camera on her laptop than usual. ‘I hope they have some first-class make-up experts working on the show, because you look –’

  ‘Oh gee, thanks,’ Rose said, settling back into the pillow at the head of her bed. ‘I feel just as good as I look.’

  ‘Oh hon, I’m sorry. But you usually look so together.’

  ‘I have been working for a couple of incompetent nitpickers this week,’ she sighed. ‘It’s been a shocker.’

  ‘I know! I saw the whole thing!’

  ‘What thing?’

  ‘That light fitting? That nearly killed you?’

  ‘How did you see that? The episode won’t go to air until later this week at least.’

  ‘You really have been out of it this week. Hang on a second.’ There was a loud flapping noise in the background as Nicola moved away from the screen. ‘Go on your perch, go on,’ Nicola said quietly. ‘That’s it,’ she purred after a few seconds, ‘I’ll be back soon.’

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, returning to the screen, ‘just had to put Harippo-chan away.’

  ‘Was he …’ Rose shook her head, not quite sure how to say what she was thinking. ‘Was he just sitting on your head?’

  ‘Oh yeah, he loves perching there. It’s the only way I can get him to calm down.’

  ‘Doesn’t it hurt?’

  ‘Nah, he’s careful with his talons. I forgot he was there this morning and went down the shops with him on. What they say about pets making it easier to pick up? All true.’

  ‘I’ll definitely keep that in mind,’ Rose said. ‘So how did you find out about the light fitting?’

  ‘It was on the news, for starters. And they’ve been using it in the promos all week. I haven’t watched the latest episode because I don’t think it’s gone to air yet, but they’re really pushing it hard.’

  ‘Oh no. Am I being blamed for it?’

  ‘You haven’t really been mentioned much yet, but you’re definitely there when it happens. The news and the promos just make it sound like the contestants pushed things a little too far.’

  ‘That would make sense, I guess,’ Rose said. ‘It seems like the only tradies who get shown on the show are the Ninja Tradies. Otherwise they pretend the contestants are pretty much doing it all themselves.’

  ‘And it’s a way better story,’ Nicola said. ‘The contestants doing renovations that might kill them sounds like much better television than a background professional making a mistake.’

  ‘Oh, it wasn’t a mistake,’ Rose said. ‘I talked to the gu
y who installed it and he said the executive producer signed off on it. Plus they were filming there that day because they wanted to get vision of me looking shocked at how dangerous it was. It was an accident that it actually fell down, but everything up to that they definitely had planned.’

  ‘Geez,’ Nicola said. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

  ‘I’m fine. I was a little shaken up when it happened, but everything else this week has been so boring I almost wish something more would happen.’ She sighed. ‘Plus I’m missing Dave. I’m really missing Dave.’

  ‘Poor baby,’ Nicola said. ‘No sneaky site sex for you.’

  ‘We didn’t even get to talk! I only saw him twice, and both times were from a distance! It’s awful.’ Rose put her face in her hands. ‘It’s like, he’s right there – he’s literally just two houses away – and it might as well be the other side of the ocean.’

  ‘You couldn’t make up an excuse to go visit?’

  ‘What excuse could I have? And they were filming at Sahara and Mick’s all week, so if I did have a reason to wander off they’d have seen me leave. I know it was the same for Dave, that’s why he couldn’t come find me. And even if he had, I’d still have been on camera! There’s no way we could have made it work.’

  ‘I feel so bad for you,’ Nicola said soothingly. ‘It must be a nightmare.’

  ‘It really is,’ Rose said. ‘We had all this build-up before we even got together, and now it’s been snatched away. I don’t know if I can last the next six weeks, I really don’t.’

  ‘Is it going to get any better?’

  ‘Maybe if Dave gets me back as a Ninja Tradie we can make some plans,’ Rose said, ‘but realistically we’re still going to have the same problems. He’s on a TV show where they film him pretty much all day, every day; that doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for us to get together.’ She flopped backwards onto her bed. ‘And we really need to get together. I need to get together with him so bad.’

  Nicola didn’t answer.

  Rose sat up and looked at the screen. Nicola was still there, only now she had two huge white wings draped over her face. ‘Sorry,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘I didn’t hear that last bit.’

  ‘You go put Harry Potter back,’ Rose said with a giggle. ‘I’ll cue up the latest episode.’

  There was a knock at her door. Before she could answer, it opened and Renton sauntered in.

  ‘Ever heard of –’ Rose said. ‘Oh, I guess you did knock.’

  ‘Are you going to be streaming tonight?’ He sat down on the foot of her bed uninvited. ‘Because I need to download the Peach Trilogy for tomorrow and I need maximum bandwidth. I can get The Name of the Peach no problem, but the only downloads of Do Me Like A Peach are massive.’

  ‘Yes, I will be streaming tonight. And I’m talking to Nicola too, so your creepy downloads will have to wait.’

  ‘Nicola’s here?’ Renton’s mood visibly picked up. ‘Hi Nicola! Did you get the link I sent you to my TV website?’

  ‘Hi Renton,’ Nicola said flatly. ‘Yes, I got the link to your sleazy Stained Couch site. I can’t believe you publish those comments people leave under your recaps of Mansions in the Sky.’

  ‘You should see the comments I ban,’ Renton said. ‘They can get a little bit … saucy.’

  ‘Wait,’ Rose said, ‘what are your creepy readers saying about my show?’ A horrible thought came to mind. ‘What are they saying about me?’

  ‘You don’t want to know,’ Nicola and Renton said in unison.

  ‘Oh God, I’ve become a sex object for perverts,’ Rose said.

  ‘At least regular perverts know how to treat a sex object right,’ Renton said. ‘Some of these comments pushed it a little too far, even for me.’

  Rose punched him in the shoulder. ‘Get out,’ she said firmly.

  ‘Okay, I’m going. But don’t hog all the bandwidth, okay?’

  ‘Maybe when you start paying for the bandwidth you can tell me how I can use it,’ Rose said as he left, failing to close the bedroom door behind him.

  ‘Just how bad is his website?’ Rose said as she got up to shut the door. ‘I used to check in on his film sites, but they were full of dickheads who answered every comment with shit catchphrases.’

  ‘You know, it’s the internet,’ Nicola said. ‘So it’s basically a waterfall of slime.’

  Rose laughed and sat back down on her bed.

  ‘The only thing interesting is that Renton has someone recapping this Japanese game show I’m getting into, where convicted criminals are running around being hunted by … I think they’re bodybuilders? Who want to be comedians? They keep cracking shitty puns, which are hilarious but not in the way they think.’

  ‘Sounds kind of dystopian to me.’

  ‘It’s so futuristic, though! Everyone is wearing jumpsuits. I tell you, 2019 is totally the future over here.’ Nicola frowned. ‘The one thing that worries me about Renton’s site is that I visited it from my work computer, because I didn’t want my personal laptop infected with the malware popups I knew he wouldn’t know enough to block. But I think I left it open at work and some of the guys around the lab might have seen it. I’m worried they’ve started visiting the site and leaving comments.’

  ‘So the perverts on Renton’s site are your workmates?’

  Nicola shook her head. ‘At least it’s a healthy outlet for those creeps. The love robot and I spend half the day talking about how horrible they are. Putting the love robot online doesn’t seem to have ruined it, thank god.’

  ‘Don’t visit Renton’s website, don’t visit you at work. Got it.’ Rose yawned. ‘Can we start the episode? I’m pooped.’

  ‘Pressing play,’ Nicola said. Rose did the same.

  The episode began with a lengthy scene set inside the depot, with the contestants all ooh-ing and aah-ing at the range of – to Rose’s trained eye – clearly shoddy Bartlett’s products.

  ‘Since when has this place been renamed Bartlett’s Home Supplies Emporium?’ Nicola said. ‘Bring back Bad Bart’s Tool Shed!’

  ‘Since they started used those crap parts for real,’ Rose said. ‘They’ve really cut back on the quality supplies, so now I’m using screws that don’t even have proper threads half the time. And don’t get me started on the nails.’ She sighed. ‘Maybe Old Steve was right after all.’

  ‘Is that why that light fitting fell down?’

  ‘That was structural problems with the house,’ Rose said. ‘But these houses are in such poor condition they really need decent fittings and fixtures to hold things together. These crap screws might be okay if they were going into decent walls with solid plaster, but in the walls I’m dealing with they just pull right out.’

  ‘Can you make do?’ On the screen Jenny Morgan was once again shouting at her daughter; it looked like Chloe had installed a door handle upside-down, so you had to pull it upwards to open the door.

  ‘There are tricks, sure,’ Rose said. ‘You can wrap tape around the screws to bulk out the holes and so on. But you really have to want to do a job that lasts to be taking that kind of care, and most of the tradies on the show are just there to get the basics done and move on. They’re so overworked I can’t really blame them, but still, it’s not great.’

  Suddenly Dave was on screen. Rose sighed without realis­ing it.

  ‘Awww,’ Nicola said, ‘reunited and it feels so good.’

  ‘Shut up,’ Rose said, pulling her laptop closer. ‘I need to take some screenshots.’

  ‘Maybe not just yet,’ Nicola said ‘It’s been a tough week for Dave.’

  Rose gasped. ‘No! What do you know? Tell me everything – why didn’t you tell me everything?’

  ‘It’s just on the show, I don’t know what was happening in real life,’ Nicola said. ‘I thought you’d be the one with the inside scoop tonight.’
/>   ‘Tell meeeeee.’

  ‘Well, from the clips I’ve seen it looks like Lightning Rod has spent the whole week flirting like crazy with Michelle while Dave has been firmly on the outs.’

  ‘Oh shit.’

  ‘I mean, it’s totally an attempt to balance things out after that week with you where the sexual chemistry between you two was scorching, but yeah, it’s looked like a bit of a rough week for Dave.’

  ‘My poor baby,’ Rose said. ‘That’s exactly the kind of stunt that bitch would pull. And Lightning Rod is clearly a dickhead. He’s probably shit in bed, too.’

  Nicola laughed. ‘I bet that’s how he got his nickname. Maybe they’ll run off together and leave Dave for you?’

  ‘Not a chance. She’ll happily make Dave look like shit, but she’d never leave him – that’d make her the bad guy.’

  The camera crew had somehow managed to set up a shot in which Lightning Rod was stretching upwards to install some wiring, while Michelle was standing behind him openly ogling his butt and Dave was in a doorway behind the pair of them, staring at his ‘wife’ with a look of dismay.

  ‘Yeah, there’s been a lot of this going on. Hardly any … spark between them, though,’ Nicola said.

  ‘Hah,’ Rose said, half-heartedly. It physically hurt her to see Dave looking so sad. She wanted so badly to comfort him, to tell him it didn’t matter that his fake wife was a bitch because as long as he had her nothing else mattered. And then she started thinking that maybe he didn’t know he had her. Maybe during the endless days apart he’d somehow forgotten how much she loved him; maybe she thought she hadn’t gone to him because she didn’t want to be with him. And suddenly everything was blurry and she felt hot tears on her cheeks.

  ‘Oh hon,’ Nicola said sadly, ‘you’ve got it bad.’

  ‘I think I love him,’ Rose said between sniffles. ‘I think it’s real.’

  ‘It’d be the first real thing to come out of this show.’