Taking Chances (Learning to Love)

by LJ Baker

  He grabbed me in a head lock like when we were kids, and pulled me into a hug. "You will always be my baby sister. I'll always look out for you. Just because you are old enough to get naked with boys, does not mean I won't kick their ass for it."

  ***

  Matty dropped me off at home and made plans to take me to the rental place during lunch tomorrow so I could stop relying on him for rides. Not having a car really did suck. It wasn't so bad when Kat was there because our schedules were always easy to work around. Half the time she just gave me her keys and drove into work with one of the other girls.

  I wasn't looking forward to being back at the half empty apartment alone. Matt couldn't bring himself to come up and I didn't blame him. It made me sad to see all of Kat's stuff gone, I couldn't even imagine how he felt. I almost felt like I was broken up with as well.

  Why won't she talk to me?

  I checked my phone about every five minutes for the rest of the day. I told myself that it was a text from Kat I was looking for, but I couldn't help but hope there would be one from Sebastian almost as much.

  Okay, maybe I wanted one from him even more.

  Pete sent me an article to work on about kitten day at the shelter saving me from spending the day trying to stop myself from texting Kat or Sebastian. Jasper purred at my feet, probably trying to make sure I was distracted enough that I didn't get too attached to any of the adorable kitten photos. He was way too much of an attention whore to not be an only cat.

  By the time I finished the article it was nearly seven and I was starving. I headed out to the kitchen to see if there was anything remotely close to dinner appropriate. I wasn't hopeful. Kat and I were supposed to go food shopping today. That obviously wasn't going to happen. Matty went out for drinks with the guys after work, so I couldn't even ask him to take me. Not that I wanted to bother him with that anyway, but I did need to eat.

  I finally broke down and sent a text off to Sebastian.

  'You eat dinner yet?'

  'No.'

  'Wanna grab something?'

  After about twenty minutes he finally responded.

  'Can't.'

  That was not at all what I hoped for. He could have at least elaborated, but he didn't owe me any explanations. Clearly, he was either busy or just not interested in having dinner with me. The immature part of me wanted to text him back and ask why not, or if it was only something else he was interested in. Of course, I knew that was crazy. He had never done anything to make me think sex was the only thing he was interested in. I couldn't help but be a little crazy when it came to Sebastian Michelson. I just didn't know why.

  ***

  By Wednesday morning my nerves were on edge. I had no idea if Kat was going to show up for our lunch or not. I managed to keep busy and give her some space, but I hadn't heard from her either. Matty took me over to the rental place the day before so I could get something until everything with my car got worked out, so at least I could get around on my own. I was back at work and had a few interesting stories to work on, which at least kept me busy.

  I hadn't heard from Sebastian anymore either. I tried not to let myself worry that he just wasn't that interested in me. It would figure, when I finally broke down and let myself admit I had feelings for the guy, he'd disappear from my life. I also couldn't help but worry that something happened to Lincoln again like last time I didn't hear from him. I thought about asking Jamie if everything was alright, but I just wasn't ready to let her know how much he meant to me.

  I was the first one to the cafe. Jamie texted and said she might be a few minutes late. I flagged Leo down and ordered a drink and a veggie plate. I was starving and knowing Jamie, it could be awhile before I got to actually order some lunch. Leo looked disappointed that it was only me.

  "Just you today, Lexi?" Leo squirmed uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact as he spoke.

  "No. At least one more of my friends will be joining me. She's just late."

  Leo's eyes lit up. "You mean Kat?"

  I wasn't even aware that he knew our names. I guess he paid closer attention than I realized.

  "I'm not sure. I'm actually starving. Could you put a rush on the veggie plate, please?" I was trying to hurry him along, not really in the mood to make small talk with the waiter who so obviously had a thing for Kat. I felt like I should let the poor guy know there was no way she was ever going to be interested in him, but I didn't want to crush his hopes. He was a cute kid, a little on the scrawny side, but much too young for Kat to even think twice.

  Leo hurried away to put in the order. I scrolled through my phone, hoping for some sign that Kat was going to show, and checked some email. By the time I managed to nibble through half the carrots and a quarter of the cucumbers, Jamie showed up, looking exhausted as usual lately.

  "Don't you sleep anymore?"

  "Not really. Justin works until seven or eight every night and by the time he gets home and showers, we have to decide on spending time together or sleeping." She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and sighed deeply.

  "I can see which on you picked last night." I didn't really need the details of her newlywed activities.

  "Ha! Yes, well, what can I say? Being married is amazing. I know though, you don't wanna hear about it. True love is a myth and all." She waved me off and rolled her eyes.

  "Actually..." I glanced away, almost immediately regretting saying the word.

  "Wait, actually, what?" She sat up straighter, suddenly completely enthralled in what I had to say.

  I had opened my mouth, so I couldn't really avoid it now. "I think maybe I wasn't completely right about everything."

  Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Lexi James, are you actually saying you were wrong? I never thought I'd live to see the day."

  "I don't know that I said I was wrong, per se, but I guess you could call it that."

  "What changed your mind?" She was still staring at me all bug-eyed. It was kind of creeping me out.

  "You heard about Kat and my brother, right?"

  "Yes, but I don't see how them breaking up could possibly change your mind. If anything, I would have thought that would only further glue you to your crazy beliefs."

  "I thought it would too. I always figured it was only a matter of time until they broke up, but when it happened, I was shocked. I guess it made me realize how much they loved each other."

  "I still can't believe she broke up with him. It boggles my mind." She placed the menu down, called Leo over, and placed her order.

  "Have you heard much from her?" I was hoping to get some information from Jamie about what was going on with Kat. Well, I was really hoping Kat would just show up, but really, I didn't think she would.

  Jamie pretended to poke around in her purse uneasily. "Um, we had drinks last night."

  I knew it was wrong of me to push her for information, but I just couldn't help it. Kat was my best friend and I missed the hell out of her. "I know I'm putting you on the spot, and I'm sorry, but her shutting me out is torture."

  "I know, hon, and she feels really bad about it. I think she's afraid to face you."

  "Afraid? What the hell for?"

  "Think about it, Lex. Matt is your brother and we all know how close you two are. She doesn't want you to feel like you have to pick sides."

  "I've been in that position since they started dating. Please tell her not to worry about that. I just miss her. I really need her right now with everything that's going on with Sebastian." I knew as soon as I said it that I made a mistake. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

  "What do you mean, Sebastian?" Her eyes narrowed, and she eyed me suspiciously.

  Well, I guess I had to tell her now.

  I took a deep breath and gave her the condensed version of the story.

  Jamie swallowed hard, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. "Hon, how much do you know about Sebastian's wife?"

  Her question caught me off guard. His wife was the furthest thing from my mind. "Not to
o much I guess. She was in a car accident and died. I saw her picture. She was pretty." His dead wife wasn't really something we talked much about.

  "Well, I don't wanna tell a story that isn't mine to tell, but it was the anniversary of her death this week. He got really drunk Monday night and called Justin to pick him up. He was over there until like three in the morning."

  "Oh." I didn't know what else to say at that moment.

  "Justin didn't say much about it other than Sebastian was a mess. I told you when you first started talking about him that it wasn't a good idea to get involved with him, that he was broken."

  She did tell me that. I had no intention of getting involved with him. If anyone had told me then, that I would be feeling the things I was feeling about him a month later, I would have thought they were smoking crack.

  "I didn't plan this, Jamie."

  "I know, hon, but you should just walk away now, before it's too late." She put her hand on mine, trying to comfort me.

  "It's already too late." I sighed. I was doomed from the start, whether I realized it nor not.

  She raised an eyebrow at me, a surprised look on her face. "What are you saying?"

  "I don't even know. I can't stop thinking about him. I dream about him. I wonder where he is and what he's doing. When I'm around him my stomach does back flips. When he touches me, I can't think, can't breathe. I feel like I'm under some sort of mind control." I dropped my head into my hands, feeling totally helpless against the power that was Sebastian Michelson.

  "Oh my God, Lexi, you're in love with him!"

  Love.

  "I, uh... I can't...be." I didn't even believe the words as I said them.

  Jamie laughed out loud. "You can try denying it all you want, but I know you better than that. You're in love."

  "Am I in the wrong place?" Kat asked, shocked, her hand on the back of her usual chair, unsure if she should actually sit.

  "Ohmigod, Kat!" I jumped up and tackle-hugged her, nearly knocking her into a shrub. "You have no idea how much I missed you, bitch."

  She laughed. "Clearly, I've missed a lot."

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Kat wasn't planning on coming back home yet. Honestly, I thought she was under the impression I was mad at her and wouldn't want her to be there. That was crazy of course, and I told her so. After plenty of insisting on my part, she finally agreed to at least spend the night.

  It felt like my entire world was turned upside down. Having Kat back, even if it was just for the night, made everything just a little bit better.

  "So, you're in love with Sebastian?"

  "I don't know, Kat. You know how I feel about that kind of thing."

  "I do, but I also know you are totally wrong."

  "Oh? So you know I'm wrong about love and relationships, but you just broke up with the guy you have been telling me you were in love with since you still played with dolls, because you didn't know if you really loved him?"

  "That's different."

  "How the hell is that different?" Now she was the one in denial.

  "Lex, I don't wanna talk about Matty. That's part of the reason I went to my parents' house. Please respect that." Her face was serious, her eyes welled with tears.

  The last thing I wanted to do was upset her and I didn't want her to leave.

  "Sorry. I'll do my best." It was going to be difficult not to talk about Matty. It was going to be near impossible not to talk about their breakup. It would keep me out of the middle of it all, which was probably for the better though.

  "So what are you going to do about Sebastian?" she asked, wiping her eyes and changing the subject.

  "I really don't have a clue. I was hoping you would have some suggestions."

  She stared at me for a moment, then broke out into laughter. "Seriously? After the mess I've made of my life, you want my advice?"

  She had a point, but until recently, Kat always seemed to know how to handle men and relationships. She was certainly better at it than me.

  "Look, Lex, I won't use the 'love' word because I don't wanna freak you out, but you really like this guy, right?"

  "Yes." There was no denying it. I definitely really liked him.

  "Have you told him?"

  I thought about what happened to my poor brother when he told Kat how he felt. I figured I should keep that to myself. "No."

  "Why not?" She kicked off her shoes and stretched out on the couch, finally acting like she was home again.

  "I guess I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. This isn't easy for me to make sense of, Kat. I've never really thought I could feel this way about anyone."

  "Okay. I get that, but you know now. No matter how much you might want to hold on to your old crazy beliefs, in your heart, you know how you feel about him." Her tone trailed down into a near whisper by the time she finished the sentence. I could tell she was thinking about her and Matty as much as me and Sebastian at that point.

  She was right though. As crazy as it seemed to me, my heart knew what it felt.

  "I can't exactly tell him now."

  "Why the hell not?"

  "His wife died a year ago this week. I haven't even heard from him in days. Jamie says he's having a hard time with it. Showing up at his place and throwing that on him now seems like a bad idea. Besides, he doesn't want to see me right now. I texted him Monday and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner and he said no."

  "Maybe he was just busy Monday."

  "Maybe, but he didn't ask for a rain check, or text me since. Kat, if he wanted to see me, I would have heard from him. Sebastian is not shy."

  "I don't know, Lex." She shook her head. "I'm not sure I know anything anymore." She broke down and cried the kind of tears that you only cried from a broken heart, and you didn't get a broken heart without being in love.

  ***

  Kat spent the next couple days moving her shit back into our apartment. Matt wasn't ready to come over and chance seeing her, so for a while, we agreed if he needed to come by we would meet downstairs or I would just go to his place. He was crazy in love and heartbroken and I knew that no matter what she said, she loved him too. I just couldn't understand what happened.

  Kat still refused to talk about any of it. She promised me she would eventually, but that she just wasn't ready. I told her I would give her some time, but I was getting impatient. I hated to see Matty hurt. I tried getting more information about Sebastian from Jamie, but she just kept telling me to give him time. All the waiting was driving me crazy.

  By Friday night I was ready to break down. I hardly slept for two nights. Thoughts of Sebastian haunted every waking moment. Falling asleep was no better. Sebastian played a starring role in every dream. I had to know, one way or the other, exactly how he felt about me and where things, whatever you called it, was going.

  I picked up my phone at least ten times and started texting him, before deleting it and tossing the phone back down. I was about ready to beg Kat to take the damn thing from me and hide it for the night. A jolt of courage flashed through me and I was ready to follow through, when Kat walked in and flopped herself down on the bed with a sigh.

  "What's wrong?" I eyed her curiously, trying to decide if she was being her normal dramatic self, or if something was actually up.

  "I hate the fact that I can't talk to you about certain things."

  "What are you talking about? You can talk to me about anything. You know that, Kat."

  "Not anymore, I can't."

  I knew she was talking about Matty. That was the one thing she didn't feel like she could share with me.

  "Look, Kat, I know you are trying not to put me in the middle, but no matter what you do, I'm always going to be there. Whether you tell me what's going on or not, I see you and him suffering and it hurts me that I can't do a damn thing to help either of you." By that point, I was ready to grab her by the shoulders and shake it out of her.

  "He cheated on me, Lex." She rolled over onto her stomach, hiding her face in
my pillow.

  "Why the hell would you think that?"

  "I'm sorry, I know how close you are with him, but it's true. He's just like your father."

  "Kat, what are you talking about?" She was making less and less sense by the minute.

  She rolled back over and sat up, slowly raising her eyes up to look at me. "Matty cheated on me. The whore he was with told me all about it."

  I could feel the blood drain from my face. That was the last thing in the world I ever expected to hear. I sat down slowly on the edge of the bed, unable to even respond.

  "Please say something." she begged, a soft desperation in her voice.

  I wanted to tell her I had no idea what to say to that, but no words would come.

  She took a deep breath. "It was a few weeks ago when we were fighting for a few days. You remember Brooke Callaghan from high school?" She paused to give me a chance to respond, but I was still staring at the wall, mute.

  "Well, she was at Justin's bachelor party apparently. She sent me photos, Lex." She pulled her phone out and scrolled through her pictures until she found one of Brooke and Matt and shoved the phone at me.

  Brooke was sitting in Matty's lap and it looked like she was swallowing his face. Brooke was the kind of girl who threw herself at any guy who showed her the tiniest bit of attention. Even more so, she went after the ones who ignored her completely. Matty always fit in the latter category. From the photo, it looked like she finally got some attention out of him.

  "I know I'm not perfect and I never expected Matty to be, but when I saw those pictures, I freaked. Matty is so much like your dad. I always figured it was just gonna be a matter of time before he broke up with me and moved on to someone new. I really didn't think he would cheat on me, but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised either."

  I didn't even know what to think about any of what she told me. Matty didn't say anything about cheating on her and he really seemed to have no clue why she would break up with him.

  "Kat?"

  "Yeah?" She sat up, bringing the pillow with her.

  "Did you ask Matt about the photos or mention what Brooke told you?"