Sighing, Mia skipped making coffee. She knew she needed to cut back on caffeine. She also knew she had to talk to Jason. She had found out almost a week ago that she was pregnant. And Mia was trying to accept the idea of a baby. Even though she didn’t feel ready. Even though she and Jason weren’t married---not even engaged. She loved Jason and knew that he loved her as well, but Mia was unsure if he intended to make a formal commitment to her anytime soon. And she didn’t want to force it. Once the shock passed, Mia knew she would love this baby. Would he?
She and Jason had never talked officially about having children. But Jason had made more than one comment about how his childhood had been rough and he didn’t want to chance subjecting a child to be doomed to a similar one. Mia hadn’t been sure if Jason meant he had made an absolute decision he didn’t want to be a father. Anxiety fluttered in her gut as she thought about his reaction to the pregnancy and find out. What would happen to them? She wouldn’t force a baby on him but she would never entertain the idea of an abortion, either. If it came down to it, Mia could and would raise this baby on her own.
As she donned her blue scrubs, Mia decided that she had to tell Jason about the pregnancy tonight, no matter what the result. It was only fair he knew. She had almost told him last night, but he had distracted her and they had ended up in bed. Before she grabbed her purse to leave, Mia made sure she swallowed one of the gigantic prenatal vitamins with a glass of orange juice.
She hadn’t been at work long when Mia started to feel something was off. As she stood at the foot of her patient’s stretcher examining the cardiac rhythm on the over-head monitor, Mia could feel her own pulse drumming rapidly in her ears and she realized she was working to take in breaths. Her head was swimming. She definitely needed to sit down. Had she not eaten enough for breakfast before her shift this morning? Mia had almost made it to the nursing station when she felt an explosion of pain in her lower abdomen and collapsed to her knees, clutching her belly. By the time her work mates reached her, she was crumpled in a ball on the laminate tiles.
As Dr. Scott knelt down at her side, Mia forced all of her energy into a few words. “…tell…Jason…about…baby…” He barely made out her words before Mia lost consciousness.
***
Jason yawned, feeling the exhaustion claim his muscles. He and Grimes had been up all night after being called to a triple homicide just before midnight. It was now almost noon---he had been without sleep well past twenty-four hours. He sipped on cold coffee as he squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to clear away the fatigue. So far, it wasn’t working.
They had just finished interviewing all of the witnesses and reviewing the preliminary autopsy and forensics reports. “We should call it a night, get some rest.” Grimes’ gravelly voice cut through Jason’s thoughts. “Things will make more sense after some sleep.”
“Sounds good.” Jason bit back another yawn. The thought of his bed, even though he knew Mia would be at work and not in it, made him smile. He shut down his computer. “See ya later, Grimes.”
Jason had almost reached his BMW when his cell phone rang. Fearing the call had to do with the new homicide investigation and interfere with a nap, he almost ignored it. “Howard,” he snapped.
“Jason, this is Dr. Scott. You need to get down to the ER now.” The urgency in his tone could not be ignored.
“What’s wrong?” His blood chilled and he was immediately alert, his fatigue forgotten. “Mia?”
“She collapsed, Jason. She just went to the OR.”
“On my way.” As he sped towards the hospital, hundreds of scenarios drifted through Jason’s mind. He arrived in record time and by the time he found Dr. Scott, coming out of an examination room; anxiety and adrenaline had chased away any hope of sleep anytime soon.
“What the hell happened?” Jason’s voice was filled with desperation.
“Come on.” Dr. Scott led Jason from the middle of the busy emergence department into a small, quiet room reserved for families about to hear crushing, dismal news. Jason had sat in this room more than once when family of homicide victims had learned the doomed fate of their loved ones. “Sit.”
Jason practically collapsed into the small couch, anxiety and terror etched into his face. “Jesus, tell me what is going on,” he pleaded.
“She’s miscarrying, Jason. And we couldn’t get the bleeding under control.” Dr. Scott waited a few moments, letting the information sink in.
Jason let out a breath as he processed what he had just heard, his head hanging down. Mia had been pregnant. Had she known? A memory of softly caressing and kissing Mia’s flat abdomen during their lovemaking flashed through Jason’s mind. Had she known she had been carrying a life in there?
“Are you okay?” Dr. Scott asked.
The pregnancy was a shocking blow. Jason nodded as he found his voice. “How long has she been in surgery?” He fought to tamp down the anger that began to brew inside him. How far along had she been? Had Mia gotten pregnant on purpose? She had known how he felt about not wanting children.
“Less than an hour. I called as soon as they took her in.” Dr. Scott stood. “Can I call someone for you?”
“No.” Jason answered through a clenched jaw. God, how he hated hospitals. “Mia needs to be okay,” he muttered and ran his hand nervously through his hair, his anger dimming, his focus back on Mia.
A nurse showed Jason to a tiny waiting room. She, as well as Dr. Scott, had assured him that as soon as the surgery ended, the doctor would come and speak with him. He couldn’t sit; he began pacing in the room. Never had Jason felt so lost and desperate. He glanced up at the sterile, plastic clock that hung on the wall, mentally noting the time.
He couldn’t lose her. What if they couldn’t stop the bleeding? His mind wandered back to the pregnancy and he felt the anger again. He hated questioning Mia’s loyalty and if she had tricked him. They had always been careful and she was on the pill---had she stopped taking it? He wondered if he should call her family, not that Mia was close to any of them. The shrill of his cell interrupted his panicked thoughts. “Howard.”
It was his partner. “Hey,” Grimes started, “I know you probably didn’t get a nap but duty calls. Another murder in the North End.”
“No.” Jason glanced up at the clock again. He had been waiting for an hour and ten minutes. What the hell were they doing to Mia in there?
“Is everything okay?” Grimes had immediately detected the slight panic in his partner’s voice, a tone he had rarely heard from Jason.
“No.” Jason let out a long breath. “Mia’s in emergency surgery. I’m…waiting.” He looked again at the clock, willing the hand to move faster.
“Jesus, why didn’t you call me?”
“I don’t know. I’m not thinking clearly right now. I’m not going to the scene. I can’t leave. I don’t know what’s happening.” He knew he was rambling. He eyed the wall clock again.
“Of course you’re not. Don’t worry about it, it’s covered. Call me when she gets out of the surgery.”
At the two hour mark, the surgeon came out of double doors and sought out Jason in the waiting room. Jason had been sitting; head leaned back into the chair, eyes closed, since finishing up the call with his partner. He wasn’t all that religious but had been praying to God that Mia would be okay. He couldn’t lose her. The physician’s footsteps had caused Jason to jump up from the chair, anxiously awaiting news on Mia.
“She’s in recovery. I was able to stop the bleeding.” The surgeon saw some of the anxiety leave Jason’s face, so he didn’t bother mention how close it had come to him not finding and stopping the source of the bleed. “She had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured her left Fallopian tube. I didn’t have to perform a hysterectomy but it came close. She’s lost a lot of blood, but she’s healthy. She’ll be okay. It’s going to take a few weeks, maybe a month before she is back to normal.”
A slight smile crept across Jason’s face as he let out a breath. He hadn’t real
ized he had been holding it in since the surgeon approached. Jason loved her, no matter what. He couldn’t deny that. “Can I see her?” That was the only question that mattered right now.
The surgeon nodded. “She’s still sedated, but I’ll bring you back.” He led Jason through two heavy automatic doors that led to the recovery room. When Jason saw Mia, pale, unmoving, connected to oxygen and IV tubing, blood hanging and infusing into her, his eyes started to fill with tears. What would he do if he lost her? He grabbed her cool hand, bringing it up to his lips.
“I’m here, baby,” he told her. Her eyes fluttered at the sound of his voice, but didn’t open; she didn’t have the strength. “You’re gonna be okay.” She felt his lips gently kiss her forehead as she drifted off.
“She probably won’t be awake until tomorrow at the earliest. You could go home and get some sleep,” the nurse suggested. He looked ragged and exhausted.
“No,” Jason said as he shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere.” Jason stayed out of the nurse’s way as she monitored Mia in recovery but didn’t leave. When Mia was finally transferred to a room, he stayed. He sat, watching her sleep and eventually his adrenaline high dissipated. Jason couldn’t stop his drooping eyes from closing as he fell asleep in an awkward position in the chair next to Mia’s bed. It seemed he had just closed his eyes when three hours later his cell phone buzzed, waking him. “Howard,” he answered automatically, rubbing his eyes and then the back of his neck. He glanced at his watch and saw it was just after five in the afternoon.
“Jason, its Kate. Is everything okay? I’ve been trying Mia all day and she hasn’t answered my calls or texts. Is she alright?”
He glanced at Mia, still sedated, connected to various tubes and medical equipment and sighed. “We’re at the hospital,” he told Kate. “She just had surgery.”
“What’s going on?!” There was panic in Kate’s voice.
“She had a miscarriage, Kate.” He was too exhausted to hide the truth. He knew Mia’s best friend would find out eventually anyway.
“Is she going to be okay? Are you okay?” Kate didn’t wait for his answer, but kept talking. “I’m getting dressed and coming down to the hospital---“
“No!” Jason told her. He didn’t want to see anybody right now. He needed time to process what had happened. “Not tonight,” he said in a softer tone. “She’ll be okay. She’s sedated now. Just wait, okay, Kate?”
“Do you need anything? You sound exhausted.”
“No. I’ll call you tomorrow, Kate. Good night.” He hung up and moved closer to the bed, burying his face into Mia’s shoulder, feeling the hot tears coming.
She awoke the next morning, groggy and unsure of where she was. Jason was at her side. “Hey,” he said softly. “How do you feel?” He kissed her hand. She had a little more color since the surgery and had received a few units of blood.
“What happened?” Mia didn’t recall any of yesterday’s events as she glanced around the hospital room. Her last memory was of examining a patient while on duty. She shifted in the uncomfortable bed and felt an instant unexpected stab of pain low in her belly and let out a small groan.
Jason’s face was somber as he answered her question. Mia could see dark circles under his eyes and his face was etched with exhaustion, his jaw set with tension. “Did you know you were pregnant?” he asked in an accusatory tone, with none of the gentleness he had intended.
Oh God…she had lost the baby. Now the pain in her belly made sense. And the memory of collapsing yesterday in the ED all came back. “Yes.” She could feel the heat of Jason’s gaze on her but Mia couldn’t look up at him.
“How long?” he asked as his pulse quickened, his stare becoming more intense.
Mia swallowed and tried to formulate an answer. The pain medicine, anesthesia and extreme discomfort she now felt were making it all but impossible. “I was going to tell you.” She finally made eye contact and Mia could see hurt and betrayal flash in Jason’s eyes. “I’m sorry.” Her eyes became damp and she could feel tears slide down her cheeks. Jason didn’t seem affected by her crying. He couldn’t ignore the deceit he was feeling. She had known and had kept it from him. Although her intentions were unclear, Jason felt Mia’s omission was no different than the usual games his mother played with him. He had been so sure Mia had been different than Jannifer and not interested in manipulating him to her own way.
“We’ll talk about that later,” Jason finally said. “You need to rest.” He stood and stretched his tall frame. Although she was upset from the conversation, Mia closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep.
Her body felt weak and moving her extremities was a chore. Between fatigue and the medications, Mia slept through most of the day. It also allowed her to avoid further conversation with Jason. Kate had visited while she was resting and hadn’t wanted to disturb her; she had never known her friend was there but saw the huge bouquet of flowers Kate had left. It was easier to let the sleep take over. When she was awake, she found Jason at her side. He looked worried and worn.
Jason had been able to take her home the next day. She was exhausted and withdrawn. She had been eight weeks pregnant; she had missed all the signs she had experienced---the fatigue and nausea until last week when she had taken a home pregnancy test. She had been so consumed with her residency---she was in the last few months of her final year---it hadn’t registered when she had missed her period. But the symptoms had continued so she had bought a home pregnancy test.
And when it had been positive, Mia had panicked. She hadn’t wanted this baby and before she had a chance to tell Jason and allow them both to accept an accidental pregnancy, Mia had lost it.
The guilt was overwhelming. She couldn’t tell if Jason had been upset about the pregnancy---or withholding from him the fact that she had been pregnant. Other than inquiring how she was doing, Jason hadn’t said much to Mia. He listened intently to the doctor’s discharge instructions and explanation of the ectopic pregnancy and how it might take Mia a little longer to become pregnant again since the Fallopian tube the embryo had attached to had burst and been damaged beyond repair. But Jason had showed little emotion. He had withdrawn from Mia.
As soon as Jason had helped her up the stairs, into the brown stone, Mia headed for bed. Her doctor had instructed Mia to rest for a week. No work, no strenuous activities. She spent the time in bed, sleeping or crying. Jason was at her side the majority of the time. He had never seen her like this, so fragile. Even though he was angry at her for not telling him about the pregnancy, he needed to be there for her to make sure she was okay. He had even managed to get his boss to agree to let him have a few personal days in the midst of his heavy case load.
Her younger sister called the next day. Jason hadn’t called Mia’s family from the hospital. Her family had no idea about the miscarriage; her sister, Jill, wasn’t calling to check on Mia. Jill called to share her good news. Jason had initially given the phone to Mia, thinking talking to her sister would be good for her. He had been very wrong.
“Married life is bliss,” Jill told her sister, not recognizing Mia’s brittle voice or how little she participated in the conversation. “I love it! When is Jason going to make an honest woman out of you?”
The question was like a needle being borrowed under her skin. “We haven’t really talked about it,” Mia responded. Would he be proposing soon if she hadn’t lost the baby?
“Well,” Jill said, again monopolizing the conversation, “I have some fantastic news. Guess what?”
Mia had held it together long enough to hang up. Once the call was disconnected, her body shook with sobs. The tears poured out so much that she couldn’t see. Her tears shook Jason to the core. He had been so helpless over the past few days. “Are you in pain?” he had asked. “Bleeding?” he questioned softly---he had been fearful of that.
“She’s….she’s….pregnant…” Mia could barely choke the words out through her tears.
“Mia, honey, what can I do?”
he pleaded with her. Seeing her so fragile ate through Jason’s anger. He pushed away the painful betrayal he had felt since learning Mia had withheld the pregnancy news from him. She needed him.
Jason sat on the edge of the bed next to her, rubbing her back and shoulders as she shook from her sobs. “I don’t know what you need, baby. Tell me and I’ll do it.” His voice was gentle and loving as he tried to soothe her. Jason wrapped his arms around Mia and hugged her to his chest. He silently cursed himself for giving her the call. He smoothed her hair and rubbed her back. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Mia clung to Jason as she continued to sob. He could barely understand her words.
“Shhh. It’s okay. Everything is okay, Mia. I love you.”
Jason brought Mia to a follow-up appointment with the surgeon on his last personal day off from work. It was the first day Mia had spent any real time out of bed. “How are you doing?” Jason asked her as they entered the medical office. He was tightly holding her hand.
“Tired,” Mia sighed. She had wanted to cancel and re-schedule the appointment but Jason had insisted she go. Mia had been too tired to argue.
After a quick exam, the surgeon told Mia and Jason he was pleased with how her recovery was going. “How are you handling the loss, Mia?” he asked her. “Any signs of depression?”
“No,” Mia quickly answered. Jason shot her a questioning look.
“Are you sure there’s nothing you want to share?” Jason asked her.
“No.” Mia looked up at the surgeon. “I’m fine.”
“Well, then I’ll have my nurse come in and draw some blood, and then you can leave. Just to make sure your H&H is still coming up. I’ll call you with the results.”
On the drive home, Jason let his concern be known. “You lied to the doc, Mia. You are not doing okay.”
Mia’s eyes were squeezed shut. She just wanted to go back to sleep. “Leave it alone, Jay.”
Dare to Trust Page 6