Chapter 35
Nathaniel was holding Shauna's hand. Had he grabbed hers? Or she his? Either way, he felt at peace as he watched the destruction of the place that had caused him so much pain and suffering.
Peace.
Peace is our objective.
He flinched and released her hand.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," he said curtly.
She appraised him, sorrowfully. "Are you all right? Stupid question. Can I do anything—"
"Quit your yapping. We need to get out of here and to the rendezvous point," Captain Jones declared. "A helicopter should be here to fetch us in an hour."
"Time to go home," Shauna said softly.
Home.
The room where he had met and almost befriended the doctor came to mind. Neil Soto. Venom's Vengeance.
No. No. His home was… Where was home?
He couldn't dare ask. His memories. What was going on? He thought all of his memories had come back already. Had the doctor planted codes in him, certain triggers that would reactivate the programming?
No. That was ridiculous. Both Doctor Despair and Kronston Taer had ample opportunities to re-infect or re-indoctriNathaniel him back into their programming.
"The first step to being deprogrammed is for the subject to realize and accept he's been programmed in the first place," he muttered.
Shauna squeezed his shoulder. They were trailing behind the others as they crossed the sandy dunes. "You have. You're already well on your way."
He stared at her, and a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability threatened to overwhelm him.
"I'm a liability," he said. "I should stay here."
"Here?" Shauna halted. "Nathaniel, no. We are going—"
"I know, but…" He exhaled. Frustration had him gripping his hair. He wanted to rid it out. His hair. The programming. The self-loathing. The doubt, the worry, the fear.
Certainly, his brainwashing had been accomplished in a short amount of time, but the resulting devastation was too much for him to bear. He accepted that he had been programmed, but he could not be healed in a matter of hours. He had woken up, but he hadn't woken up.
Maybe the rush job of the brainwashing was why it had failed, why he had still remembered Shauna. His love, his hope, his true peace had always been her.
Peace is our objective.
Why did he keep thinking that? He hadn't even heard any of them say that! Maybe during a surgery. Maybe during a video I don't remember watching. At any time, they planted thoughts in me. Who knows what triggers or cues they have waiting for me. Maybe one day, someone will say the wrong thing to me, and I'll snap and kill them. I'll revert to Venom's Vengeance. What if my own son or daughter said it? What if I kill Shauna?
"I must stay here," he said firmly.
"You will not," she said firmly. "Do you want Padilla to see you like this? Do you want to…" Shauna hesitated, clearly worried over her word choice. A fire lit her eyes as she asked, "Do you want to let your fellow Marines down? We lost two soldiers because of trying to rescue you and the others. We are still in the process of rescuing you. You'll need help. You'll need to be deprogrammed completely. It will take time. You already took the first step. Now, you need to come with us so you can take the next step. You'll get a therapist. You'll find a way. I have faith in you. I… I…"
She turned away.
His hope that she'd say I love you crumbled. Of course, she couldn't continue to love him, not after what he had pulled.
You want to be worthy of her, right?
Yes.
So get on that helicopter.
He gripped her hand, and they hurried to catch up to the others.
They were going home. This nightmare would soon be behind them.
He hoped. With every fiber of his being, he hoped this nightmare would finally end.
Chapter 36
The sound of the approaching helicopters filled Shauna with so much joy. One would carry away the Marines, including Jacob Sullivan's body and the two bodies they'd retrieved from that hellish street. The other would hold the Green Berets.
Nathaniel's eyes held so much fear and worry as she hugged him.
"This isn't goodbye," she whispered.
He said nothing. The embrace was too tight for her to breathe, but she suffered through it gladly. Head down, shoulders slumped, he climbed into his helicopter. He looked so utterly defeated and nothing at all like the confident, easy-going man she'd fallen for.
Her stomach fluttered as her helicopter took off. The Captain was going over the mission, and she waited until he finished to say, "I need to take leave."
He nodded. "I'll have the paperwork for you tomorrow."
That he hadn't given her a hard time and asked no questions caused tears to form in her eyes.
"Damn it, West. Don't you dare cry. Women cry. Are you a woman?"
"I'm a woman and a Green Beret! I can cry if I want to!"
A few laughs broke out. Lela was on the phone. Hunter was redoing Mack's bandage on his right bicep. She hadn't even realized Mack had gotten hurt.
"That was a tough one," Captain Jones admitted. "We lost two good soldiers. It's not defeat. It's not the end."
"It's only the beginning," Dawson drawled.
Lela hung up. "Sir? I need leave for a doctor's appointment tomorrow."
"You're sick?" Brook asked. "We have some medicine."
"I convinced my mom to let me get tested. So far, she has no matches. If I don't, I don't, but if I do, she's going to take it."
A few made some remarks about how sorry they were for being sick. Lela, who was seated beside Shauna, shifted uncomfortably. Something was bothering her.
"What is it?" Shauna asked when the topic of conversation moved onto funeral arrangement for Alejandro. As much as Shauna wanted to give input, Lela needed a friend right now. Besides, it helped her to stop thinking about Nathaniel and their failure.
"I don't know how long I'll be out of commission if I can help my mom. It's terrible of me. I'm a terrible daughter. I…"
"You're a soldier, just like she was. You want to stay on the front lines."
"You bet your ass I do. But if Mom doesn't get it, she'll die. And I can't have that. I can't lose her too." Lela gritted her teeth and wrung her hands.
Her friend was far too angry and upset. Something else was eating at her, but Shauna wasn't certain if she should push or not.
"I never told him," Lela finally whispered. "I loved Alejandro, and I never worked up the nerve to tell him, and now, he's dead."
Shauna wiped Lela's tear away. "He's dead, and a part of Nathaniel is too. We'll get through this somehow. We will."
"You are way too optimistic," Lela grumbled.
"Not at all," Shauna murmured. "Not even a little."
Chapter 37
The moment Nathaniel's helicopter touched down in the States, a terrible feeling of foreboding came over him. He did not want to get off the helicopter. His desire to return to Grotto's Bay infuriated him. They maintained a level of control over him despite being halfway across the world.
Most of the other Marines had gone ahead, including the Lieutenant Colonel. No one had asked Nathaniel any questions during the ride, and he hadn't spoken a word. His guilt and sorrow kept him company enough. Isolation would not help him, he figured. He could not fight this alone. But he was running on empty, and he feared that he would break and shatter.
Will I ever be me again?
Bill Hardy climbed back into the helicopter. "Come on, man. The pilot wants to get a beer."
The pilot grimaced at him. "Actually, a glass of wine," she said.
Nathaniel swallowed hard. Bill climbed down, and so did the pilot. Nathaniel followed.
When he placed his foot on the ground, something inside of Nathaniel snapped. Is vision darkened, and he was back to watching that video of the battlefield, and then he was transported to that battlefield. He was fighting for his life, dodging bu
llets and blows and snapping necks and—
A slight pinch and darkness.
>>><<<
Venom's Vengeance stirred. He tried to break free. He wanted to. But his body was paralyzed. His power had fled. He was weak.
How could that be? No!
But he was patient. He had learned patience. He would wait. He would regain control of this body. He would fight for dominance.
And he would win.
>>><<<
The man was asking him questions. He'd write notes, shaking his head, twirling his pen. The man, a therapist, was not happy with his answers.
"Your name is…"
"I told you already," he snapped. "Neil Soto."
"I don't understand. How did this happen? Who is Neil? Why does he think his name is Neil?"
Neil glanced over. A beautiful woman sat in the chair beside him. The fire in her eye suggested she was a fighter, but her grip on the chair's arm suggested her weak. Prone to emotions.
"Shauna, please. I invited you here today so you could see—"
"I see that you aren't making progress. How did this happen? He stepped foot here, and he reverts to being a killer again?"
"William Hardy is expected to survive."
"The pilot died. I just…" She turned to Neil. "Don't you remember me? You did before. Fight this, Nathaniel. Please. Come back to me."
"If you really wish to call me Nathaniel, go ahead." Neil grinned at her. "I can be anyone you want."
She slapped him.
He laughed. "Not hard enough."
Shauna stood and stomped out.
"Excuse me," the therapist said. He stood and rushed after her.
Neil shrugged. No matter. The Colonel would be in contact soon. Neil was certain of it. Then, he could be Venom's Vengeance again. For now, he would wait. He had learned patience. He longed for peace.
Peace is our objective.
Chapter 38
Ever since the attack, they hadn’t known what to do with Nathaniel. Some wanted him locked up, but they weren’t certain what he would do under those circumstances. Given his strength, if he chose to lash out, he could end up killing guards. In the resulting chaos, other prisoners might have broken free. In light of this, and because of Lieutenant Colonel Padilla’s and Captain Jones’ recommendations, he was not charged. At least, not yet. He was not set free completely, of course. He had a tracking device on him at all times. Padilla had given it to him and taken on the mantle of his chauffeur. Yes, Padilla was posing as one of the Hidden Serpents within the United States. It was a risk, a huge risk, to play into his programming. So long as he was this Neil, he wasn’t Venom’s Vengeance, but he also wasn’t Neil either.
It had taken plenty of convincing on Padilla’s part to get Nathaniel to see and talk to the therapist. She refused to think of him as Neil. No matter what he did while under the influence of being programmed, that was not his. Yes, she would admit that he was a liability in his current state, but he was not himself.
Padilla eventually had to tell Nathaniel that he was supposed to blend in as much as possible. The Americans were not happy about his killing the pilot. The Hidden Serpents’ friends had ensured he would not end up in jail, but to keep the Americans happy, he should see the therapist.
Treatment had started two weeks ago. If you could call this treatment.
Shauna winced at the sound of footsteps behind her. The therapist, Victor Morales, was a spineless twerp of a man.
"Please be reasonable," he said. Sweat dotted his brow.
"Afraid that you'll get caught? Look, I appreciate that you allowed me to sit in on that, but asking him questions like that isn't going to help him. He doesn't remember being programmed. He no longer accepts that. Whatever deprogramming he'd done on his own has been erased. I should've listened. He didn't want to leave. I thought that was the programming speaking, but he knew! Somehow, subconsciously, he was suspicious that they were done with him yet. They let us leave! We should've realized—"
"If you would like my opinion, Miss West, you should stop by yourself for an appointment."
She suppressed the urge to slug him. Since taking leave, she had been filled with so much anger. She was furious with the world, frustrated with the situation, sorrowful that he had relapsed, grief-stricken throughout the funerals. She had shed more tears and fired off more bullets at the shooting ranges than she ever had before. To punish herself, she went to the gym for hours at a time. She would punch and kick bags until she couldn't move her arms or lift her legs. The weights she lifted were punishing, almost devastating.
She was in no condition to go back. In a way, she knew she was losing herself.
"Are you even qualified to be deprogramming him?" she snapped.
"I have successfully deprogrammed a person previously, yes."
"Just one?"
He hesitated. "Yes. You must understand what your role is."
"My role?"
"Yes. You are his support. All you can do is love him. Try to help him see but do not rush him. Let him return to his mind as he had before. Deprogramming is natural. That he started to previously is a good sign."
She breathed in and out easier. "Can I come back in?"
"Not for the rest of the session, no. If you return at noon, I will speak with you."
"Not for an appointment."
"No. To explain more about programming and deprogramming."
"I'll be here."
She marched away without an ounce of happiness or spark of hope.
Will he forever be gone to me? Is Nathaniel still in there somewhere? Will we always live in fear that one day, he'll snap again? That he'll be triggered?
>>><<<
Precisely at noon, the receptionist ushered Shauna into a room. Victor entered a moment later. He did not sit behind the desk but took the seat across from her.
"Programming can happen through various ways. With a cult, they typically start with children, the younger the better. Obviously, that was not the case here."
"Obviously," she said dryly. Fear and worry tangled up like a knot of serpents in her stomach.
"Most likely, they would have started the process of programming him with deprivation. No food or drink. No sleep. He would have been kept in isolation. They would have beaten him, tortured him. They may have utilized hypnosis, electric shock, and psychic driving."
"Electric shock?"
"Yes. You said that Nathaniel did not remember much when he came back into awareness. It is possible that they induced electroshock amnesia to accomplish this, although normally that affects recent memories and leaves the long-term memory intact. The amount of voltage that would have required could have fried his brains, literally."
She gulped and wiped her sweaty palms on her pants. "Psychic what?"
"Psychic driving. It's when they play tapes, either audio only or both audio and visual, on a loop."
"For conditioning purposes."
"Precisely. It can also plant ideas."
"Cues and triggers," she murmured unhappily.
"Correct again. They most likely used drugs as well, although no traces are found within his body. He seems to be the picture of perfect health, physically."
"Mentally, though…"
"That is where I come in. I assure you I will do my best."
"So far, your best has yielded no results."
"I have only been working with him for two weeks."
"He was completely brainwashed in two weeks!"
"Yes, well, that may be why he was able to deprogram himself so quickly. It was rushed. Highly irregular. Programming is only as effective as the perpetrator or perpetrators administering it. We can assume they have been attempting to brainwash for years. No one who is unskilled would dare even to dream of trying to program a person in two weeks."
She rubbed her temples. "Do you have anything good to share?"
Victor held out his hands and shrugged. "He has not harmed or killed anyone since that first attack. And he
has not shown any signs of wishing to harm himself."
"He can't. Maybe if he puts a bullet through his brain." A slice of fear raced through her. The last time Nathaniel had made a huge breakthrough, he had been willing to kill himself.
We have to save him from Venom's Vengeance, this Neil guy, and from himself.
"Why does he think he's Neil Soto?"
"Most of the time, the programming process is so traumatizing that the victim splinters into another personality to protect themselves. I believe this personality is the one that the brainwashing forged."
"They wanted to take it a step further and have him becoming Venom's Vengeance."
"What a horrible name," Victor murmured. "I do have some good notes to point out. Survivors are strong, Nathaniel more than most. He already fought this. He can again. All we have to get him to do is be open to the idea that he had been programmed. Once he accepts that, we can open that door toward healing."
"How can we assure another relapse doesn't happen?" she asked, worried and fear laced through her words.
"Ah, yes. You see, before, Nathaniel was merely coping with his programming. What we must strive for is to undo it. It will not be easy, Miss West, but I believe that, given time, it will be possible. The question is, do you love him enough to grant him that time?"
Shauna did not hesitate. "I do."
Chapter 39
Neil was most pleased to see Shauna waiting for him once he left his appointment the next day. He had been staying at an apartment a block down the street. A chauffeur drove him back and forth. Why the Colonel wished for him to see this therapist, Neil did not understand. He was supposed to integrate into life here and blend in until he received further instruction.
Not on Her Watch (The Serpent Experiments Book 1) Page 19