HORIZON MC

by Clara Kendrick

  “Three years.”

  Haley let out a whoosh of breath. “Three years is nothing. Of course the pain is still there with you.”

  I fought to keep my voice steady. “The pain has been getting a little better, recently.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What do you think is the reason for that?”

  I raised our joined hands to my mouth, planted a firm kiss on her knuckles. “You. This. Us.”

  She blinked rapidly. “That’s that’s…”

  “A lot of pressure,” I cut in quickly. “I know. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be on the hook to manage my grief, but I have been so happy to be with you. You make me feel less alone.This is pathetic, I know it sounds pathetic. I just feel like my world and my life are so much brighter, so much more bearable, with you in them.”

  A slow smile. “I feel that way, too. About you, I mean.”

  “You don’t Haley, if it’s not there, you don’t have to pretend.”

  “I’m not pretending anything, Chuck. You’re important to me. Really important. Special. I’m glad to be here for you, and I’m glad you told me about your sister. Thank you for being that candid. For sharing your memory of her with me.”

  It was the strangest thing. I hated remembering things about Chelsea. Even happy memories had become tinged with terrible sadness, and running through the events of her death were particularly devastating. But somehow, with Haley here, I didn’t feel nearly as bad. Was I actuallyand finallyworking through my grief at my sister’s death? Or was there something else at play here? I’d only ever really told the rest of the Horizon guys the rudimentary facts of the tragedy. They were some of my best friends, but I just couldn’t get past the hurdle of sorrow to really discuss my feelings with them. This was really the first timebeyond the awkward session with the department-mandated counselor that I’d spoken at length about Chelsea and everything that had happened after she died.

  And telling Haley everything had lifted an incredible weight from my chest.

  Inspiration suddenly struck me. Maybe there was a way for me to introduce the woman I loved to the sister I had lost.

  “Do you want to go on a ride with me?” I asked Haley, cupping her face in my hand and kissing her. “If you feel like it, there’s a place I want to show you.”

  “A ride? Just for me?” Her smile glowed as she clapped her hands with delight. “The rest of the guys are going to be so jealous.”

  “I’ve taken you on rides before,” I protested. “This isn’t the first one.”

  “Yeah, but how far is this one?”

  “Just over an hour, really.”

  “This is a real ride, then,” she said, nodding to herself.

  “Then what were the other ones?”

  “Quick rides. Here and there around Rio Seco. This one’s going to be my longest ride yet.”

  “Keep it up, sweetheart, and I’ll show you the longest ride.”

  “Ooh, that sounded downright hey!”

  I’d swatted her rear playfully, and she laughed and kissed me.

  Within the hour, we were dressed and rocketing down the road. I always liked the way Haley’s arms felt around my middle, but today, she shifted in her seat and threaded her arms beneath mine, her torso pressed against my back, in an intimate hold.

  “This okay?” she yelled in my ear, trying to be heard over the wind rushing by.

  “Better than okay,” I said without turning. “It’s really nice.”

  “Good.” She settled in and I concentrated on the asphalt unfurling beneath my two wheels, the roar of the engine harmonizing with the wind. It was beautiful music, and I loved even more that I could enjoy it with the woman I loved.

  I had only a moment’s misgiving as we rolled into the parking lot at the cemetery. What would Haley think of me bringing her here? But her hold on me never wavered, didn’t tighten or loosen, not even when I cut the engine and put the kickstand down.

  “This is it,” I said.

  “It’s beautiful here,” she said, finally letting me go to stand on her own two feet. “Just look at those wildflowers.”

  They were still in bloom, and they lifted my heart this time instead of breaking it into pieces. It had to be the love I had for Haley that was the difference this time.

  “The river runs just beyond that hill,” I told her, pointing. “We could walk down there later, if you wanted.” It was gray and a bit dreary today, but that didn’t lessen the beauty of the flowers, or the green grass, or the woman standing beside me.

  “I’d like that,” she said. “This is where your sister is, isn’t it?”

  “That’s right,” I said, a bit relieved that I didn’t have to tell Haley outright. “Sorry if it’s a little weird. I was feeling kind of down earlier because I realized that you were just the kind of woman I’d want to introduce to my sister.”

  “I’m glad you brought me here,” she said. “And I’m not just saying that.”

  “It’s not weird?” I wrinkled my nose. “It’s a little weird.”

  “I think it’s sweet,” she said. “Now, are you going to introduce me, or what?”

  “It’s right this way,” I said, marveling at the way I felt. I was actually looking forward to seeing my sister’s grave. I hadn’t felt like this ever. Not since she’d died. Now, though, it almost seemed like I was just going for a casual visit. I wasn’t here to weep or rage or regret things. I was here, moving forward with my life, still finding a place in it for the memory of my sister.

  “When was the last time you came here?” Haley asked, following me up the knoll.

  “Remember the day you called me, the day I wouldn’t let the rest of the guys into my apartment?”

  “Yeah?”

  “It was the anniversary of her death.”

  “Oh, Chuck.”

  “Yeah.”

  She frowned, her forehead crinkling with the effort of the emotion. “You should’ve said something to me. There I was, blabbing on and on about how you needed to get outside and all of that.”

  “It was good advice.”

  “It could’ve been better advice if I’d understood what you were going through.”

  “You did well enough.” I slipped my arm through hers, craving some closeness but not wanting to smother her with my need. “Once the guys were inside, they figured out what was going on, and then we came out here.”

  “They came with you to see the grave?”

  “They did.”

  Haley seemed to contemplate that for a few moments. “You know, for all the trash they talk and the stupid shit they get up to, the rest of the guys are awfully sweet when they want to be.”

  “They’re my best friends.”

  “I can be your best friend, too, if you let me.”

  I smiled. “Are you really going to try and friend zone me here, in the middle of the cemetery?”

  She whacked me on the arm. “I thought I told you that the friend zone thing wasn’t happening.”

  “I mean, so you said, but here we are”

  “I’m talking about you trusting me with this kind of stuff, Chuck,” she said, exasperated. “You can trust me just like you can trust the rest of the guys. The only difference is that you and me have intimate privileges.”

  “Intimate privileges…” I couldn’t help but to continue to goad her on. “That sounds a lot like friends with benefits.”

  God, her green eyes could deliver the most withering of stares. “Keep that up, and the benefits thing could always end.” She wrapped her fingers around my hand and squeezed. “But seriously. I know that we’re having some good sex right now”

  “Great sex right now.”

  “Okay, great sex right now.” Haley leaned her head against my arm. “All I’m saying is that if you need to talk to me about things, then talk to me. I’m here for you. You and I can be about more than just the sex. We can be partners in this thing.”

  �
�Why, Haley Greer, are you trying to tell me that you have feelings for me?”

  “I’m trying to tell you that I love you, you jerk.”

  I spluttered with surprise as she kissed me, and then both of us were surprised by a sudden clap of thunder accompanied by a downpour, the gray clouds above us finally giving way.

  “Shit, let’s try and find some cover,” I shouted over the deluge, whipping off my leather jacket to hold over Haley’s head.

  Laughing, she refused. “There’s no shelter for miles. This will pass.”

  “But you’re getting wet.”

  “I’ll live. You should live a little, too.”

  Haley held her arms out and whirled around, tossing her head back to catch some of the raindrops in her mouth. Her clothes clung to her, and I would’ve been lying if I’d said that didn’t make me feel anything. Her joy made her look so much younger than she was, and my heart squeezed at the realization that I loved her so much much more, probably, than she professed to love me. And that was fine. It was fine. As long as she deigned to be with me, I would be happy. I didn’t care if it wouldn’t last. Nothing this good could last for very long, anyway. The important thing was to seize the moment while it lasted, to cherish every single blessed second of it.

  I dropped my jacket directly into a growing puddle of rainwater and swept Haley into my arms, kissing her deeply as I continued the twirl I’d interrupted, the rain soaking us from all sides. The droplets weren’t terribly cold, but their coolness magnified the heat of our mouths together, and I felt, for a single, highly disorienting second, like the two of us were underwater and we were breathing for each other. The seal of my lips on hers was essential. Life preserving.

  “I love you so much,” I murmured to her, crushing her to my chest, and I didn’t care whether she heard me over the deluge or not.

  In time, the rain ebbed, even if the clouds remained. I cleared the old bouquets of wildflowers from Chelsea’s grave and admired the granite of her headstone. I realized I’d never seen it wet before, and there were some shiny flecks in the stone that shone. I’d simply never noticed them. They were beautiful.

  “Chuck?”

  “Yeah?” I turned to Haley, then smiled at her, at what I saw.

  “Oh, don’t you dare,” she warned me. “Don’t even.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “I know I look like a drowned rat with wet hair,” she said. “Don’t you dare even try to say I look nice, because I know for a fact I don’t.”

  “I was going to say no such thing,” I teased her, kissing her on the tip of her nose. “I just wanted to thank you for coming here.”

  Haley looked pensive for a moment. “Is it weird to wonder if the rain was a bad sign?”

  “A bad sign? It was just rain, sweetheart.”

  “I know. Logically, I know it was just rain. But you took me here to meet your sister. And not five minutes after we got here, the skies just opened up and poured. Is that a bad sign, then? Maybe a sign your sister doesn’t approve?”

  I considered this for all of a fraction of a second before throwing my head back and laughing. “Honestly? This is exactly the kind of shit my sister would pull. She would’ve loved to embarrass me if I was trying to be serious about introducing my significant other to her. Chelsea would’ve made the entire process as uncomfortable as she could. It would’ve delighted her.”

  “Really?” Haley shot me a dubious look. “Are you just saying that?”

  “My sister liked her pranks. She liked to tease. This sudden downpour that was definitely her.”

  As I said the words, trying to reassure Haley, I got suddenly emotional. Because I felt connected to Chelsea, in this moment. I felt her presence in every breath I took, and it broke me because we were here, at the cemetery. I didn’t want her to be here. I wanted her to be somewhere she was happy. It was for my comfort and my comfort only that I came here. I hated the idea that she might want to linger here.

  “Hey, Chuck? Hey, it’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

  “I wish it was,” I said. The difference between the tears and the raindrops was the warmth, and the salt. “I wish it was okay.”

  “Everything is okay,” she said, brushing her knuckles against my cheek. “Your sister played a rotten prank on the both of us, and now I know she’s down for whatever. It was, in all truthfulness, a great first impression. It really was.”

  Haley was trying so hard. It was endearing, and I wished I could be as blasé about everything.

  “I’m sometimes afraid that I’ll never get over it,” I gasped out. It was so hard to speak. Almost as hard as it was to breathe. “I’m afraid I’m going to be half of myself for the rest of my life because of this. I don’t know how to move forward. I thought I did. I thought I could. But now I’m not so sure.”

  “Chuck Rogers, look at me.” Haley held my face in both her hands now. “You’re going to be okay, do you hear me? You’re going to be okay.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because we just keep breathing, understand? When bad shit happens, we just keep breathing. We just keep being. Because there’s going to be a day when it gets easier, and that’s what we’re working toward.”

  Haley was right. There was no arguing that. This was just a small setback. Haley was here with me, and everything was going to be okay.

  We held each other until our wet clothes and the impending nightfall made it uncomfortable.

  “We should get back to Rio Seco,” I said needlessly, because of course we should. There wasn’t anything else for us here anymore.

  “I’m starting to second guess not caring about the rain,” Haley said, plucking at her still-damp shirt.

  “You’re wearing my jacket on the way home,” I said. “No arguments.”

  “Your jacket’s as wet as my clothes,” she said.

  “But it’ll cut the wind. Keep you from getting too cold.”

  “If you insist.”

  “I do insist.”

  It didn’t matter that we started home cold and wet. On the way, we grew wings. It felt like flying. My heart had never felt so light.

  Chapter 8

  It was perhaps a week and a half after our visit to the cemetery that Chelsea came up again between Haley and me.

  “Can I ask you something?” Haley’s voice was tentative, and it put me on alert.

  “You can ask me anything,” I said.

  “This is a little…well, it’s sensitive.”

  “Haley, whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be as bad as what you’re imagining.”

  A wince. “Um, it’s pretty bad. I mean, I don’t know. You’re going to think it’s bad.”

  We’d been eating burgers from a greasy paper bag I’d picked up on my way to her place after closing the shop for the night. These kinds of nights were some of my favorites ones when Haley didn’t have to work at the bar, and we could just have a quiet night in. The rest of the guys had started to tease me, telling me I was becoming a homebody. To me, though, there was not a damn thing wrong with that.

  “Maybe you should just ask me and let me decide if I like it or not.” I gave her my very best leer. “You’ll find that I am very open to suggestions in the bedroom.”

  Haley spluttered a laugh and covered her face. “So not where I was going with this, but I’ll keep that in mind.” She took a deep breath and looked at me. “Now, in all seriousness?”

  “Okay, serious.”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me about your sister.”

  A small shot of worry worked its way through my body. If Haley had given it some thought and decided that it was too much for her to deal with, the violent death of my sister, the persistent effect it had on my life, the fact that I’d taken her to my sister’s grave, I’d understand. I’d completely understand. I’d be crushed, of course, but I got it. It was so much to handle that sometimes I doubted that I could handle it, but I didn’t have any choice. Haley did have a cho
ice. She could get out before she dug in any deeper.

  “You should cut your losses,” I blurted out, and Haley blinked in confusion.

  “What? No. Oh, no, no, no. You jumped to the wrong conclusion on that one.”

  “You don’t want out?” I asked, confused, now, too.

  “Of course I don’t. I told you I loved you, Chuck, and I meant it.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly. “I guess I’ll shut up now.”

  “When I said that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about your sister, what I meant was that I’ve been doing research.” Her face was so pinched with worry that it was almost comical, but I couldn’t bring myself to appreciate the humor because I was sure I had a similar expression on my face.

  “What kind of research?” I asked, carefully choosing my words, and moderating my tone.

  “Nothing ghoulish, I promise.”

  “If you have any…uh, questions, I would be more than happy to answer them… You know, about her death. Her life, too, if that’s what you’re after. Questions, clarifications, whatever.”

  “The thing I wanted to know from you is if you’ve ever spoken with Rob Shepard. Afterward, I mean.”

  Well. Of all the directions I’d thought this conversation might go, this was definitely not what I anticipated.

  “You mean after I tried to kill him with my bare hands?”

  To her credit, Haley didn’t flinch. “Yes.”

  “There was the trial, after that, but I never directly addressed him, no.” I didn’t like the way my chest was tightening at this line of questioning.

  “Would you, though, if you had the chance?”

  “Why would I want to talk to the man who killed my sister?”

  “You told me yourself that your grief is sometimes overwhelming,” Haley said. “Do you think if you have a chance for some closure, you might find some peace?”

  “I’m not understanding what you mean by closure,” I said haltingly. “My sister’s dead, Haley. My parents don’t want me around. That’s…well, that’s pretty closed.”

  She was persistent. I had to give her that. “It’s closed, sure, but not on your terms. I’m sure you didn’t want your sister to die, and that it hurts you to be estranged from your parents. Wouldn’t you like to be able to confront the man who caused all of this?”