A Wolf to Set Him Free

by A J Jarrett

  Ethan walked in to his room, not bothering to turn on the light. He slipped under the soft comforter without putting on any underwear.

  The moonlight streamed through his window and Ethan stared out it. Exhaustion bore down on him and he could no longer keep his eyes open. His mind raced with so many thoughts about Holden, Jay, and falling in love again. It mentally drained him. Ethan had been afraid he wouldn’t get a bit of sleep but he’d been wrong. It wasn’t until the sun poured through his window to warm his cheek did he realized he’d even fallen asleep.

  Ethan got out of bed and put on a pair of loose-fitting jeans and a red T-shirt. He left his feet bare and headed out into the kitchen. The bitter smell of coffee filled the air and he followed his nose to the blessed pot.

  He filled the mug that sat next to the coffee maker. The whole time, he could sense Jensen’s presence in the room. The man didn’t say anything, just waited until Ethan turned around.

  “Morning,” Ethan said as he took a seat at the table.

  “Morning, Ethan.” Jensen looked him over, finally coming to a conclusion about something and nodding his head. “You feel better today?”

  “I guess.” Ethan shrugged.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “If I say no, will you drop it?” Ethan countered.

  “No.” Jensen shook his head, not looking the least bit guilty about his answer. “You’re my friend and need I remind you, I’m your friend even after you drugged me and locked me in a freaking cage. So please appreciate just how understanding of a person I am and talk to me, Ethan.”

  He knew his friends didn’t bring that fact up to make him feel bad, but they did like to point out on occasion just how understanding they were.

  “You will never let me live that down will you?” Ethan chuckled then took a drink of his coffee.

  “Why would I when it gives me so much leverage over you?” Jensen winked at him.

  “So very true.

  “But seriously, what happened?” Concern creased Jensen’s brow.

  “I panicked,” Ethan simply answered because it was the god’s honest truth. “Everything was going so good until he said we were mates.” He choked on the last word and had to cough to clear his throat.

  “I see.” Jensen sat back in his chair and took a drink from his mug. He licked his lips. “Do you like him?”

  “Excuse me?” That question seemed to come out of the blue.

  “I said, do you like him?”

  Ethan thought about it for a moment. He closed his eyes and all he could see was Holden’s smiling face. The way his blue eyes crinkled as the light reflected off them. Holden was beyond nice and so loving toward Ethan. It seemed like ages since someone had touched him so gently and made Ethan feel wanted. To be desired by someone else made Ethan feel ten feet tall and like he could leap over a building in a single bound. Granted, he wasn’t a superhero, but Holden had the ability to make him feel like he could do anything.

  As Ethan sat there in Jensen’s kitchen sipping coffee, he couldn’t deny how his body shook with a longing to race back to Holden and apologize and beg him to forgive him. He didn’t like being separated from Holden, but a bigger part of him was too scared to succumb to letting another lover into his life.

  “I do, but…” There was no way he could explain it to Jensen in any way the other man would understand. Jensen had Josh and as far as Ethan knew, he was the only man Jensen had ever loved. Jensen didn’t know what true loss was and Ethan prayed he never found out.

  “Ethan, I’m not going to sit here and say I know what you’re going through because I don’t. I’ve been lucky not to have experienced what you have, but I do know one thing.” Jensen held up a finger. “If you walk away from this without even trying to make a go of it, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” Ethan glanced up and saw that Jensen’s eyes had begun to water. “Not many people get a second chance at finding their true love, so please, please don’t walk away from this. Holden could help heal your broken heart.”

  “But what if he dies, too?” Ethan’s voice hitched as a searing pain stabbed through his chest. Just mentioning that had his world rocking on its axis. Ethan couldn’t imagine a world that Holden didn’t exist in.

  “We can’t predict what tomorrow will hold, Ethan.”

  “Exactly.” Ethan slammed his hand down on the table and Jensen jerked in his chair. “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to let myself fall in love again.” As Ethan said those words, he knew he was lying to himself, because he had already let himself slip. He was falling hard and fast for Holden and there was no pulling back on the reigns or stopping it.

  “It’s not something we can control, Ethan.” Jensen reached out and laid his hand over Ethan’s. “We’re all living to die.” He shrugged. “That’s the way the world works. There are no promises or guarantees, but we have choices. We can either be miserable with the time allotted to us here on Earth or we can live life to its fullest. Experience every happy, sad, frustrating thing that makes life worth living. And most of all, love. A life without love is not a life worth living, Eth, you know that.”

  He knew that. Ethan had lived like that for the past five years. If anyone knew what it felt like to be living a loveless life, it was him. It was lonely, and at times Ethan prayed for death because he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t kill himself. He couldn’t do that to his mom and dad or to Josh and Jensen.

  “Jensen, I just think I need some time to figure it all out.” Ethan ran a hand through his hair, shoving the thick locks off his forehead.

  “I totally understand that, but just don’t wait too long.” Jensen got up to put his mug in the sink. “I’m going to head off to work unless you want to borrow my car, then I can work from home today,” Jensen said, almost hopeful.

  “When will you ever give up?” Ethan laughed and shook his head. Jensen had a tenacity about him that had to drive Josh insane.

  “Not until I know you’re happy.” Jensen bent down and gave Ethan a one-arm hug, then headed out the door.

  Ethan finished his coffee and put his mug in the sink and walked back to his bedroom. He pulled his laptop from his bag and went to go sit out on the back patio. It was early and the sun had just crested over the trees in the backyard. He powered up his computer and typed in his password.

  “Damn it!”

  Ethan’s head popped up at the angry tone of the word and saw a backpack come sailing over the high wooden fence, followed by a blond-haired boy. Ethan squinted his eyes and decided the young man looked more like a teenager, and there was something familiar about the kid.

  “Can I help you?” Ethan called out.

  “Huh?” The kid swung his feet over the fence in a very graceful manner and landed on his feet. “Hey, don’t I know you?”

  “I doubt it.” Ethan stood up and walked to the edge of the patio. “Is there a reason you’re climbing over my friend’s fence?”

  “That’s where I know you.” The kid pointed a finger at Ethan and smiled. “You’re Jensen and Josh’s crazy friend from Cali.” The kid shouldered his backpack and walked over to Ethan. “I’m Ryan. We met last night at dinner.”

  The crazy friend? Great.

  Ryan shoved his hair out of his eyes and his bright smile rang a bell. But he hadn’t seen the kid smile at all the previous night. The smile Ryan had was exactly like his kid brother Kamden. Ethan remembered him because the little boy actually talked to him, unlike his older brother.

  “That’s right.” Ethan held out his hand to shake Ryan’s. “You’re Kamden’s brother and Carson’s friend.”

  “We’re not friends,” Ryan snapped, his jaw going rigid as if he were about to scream. “He’s just an annoying little pest that won’t leave me alone.”

  “Okay.” Ethan looked at Ryan and could see that he had upset the kid, but he wasn’t sure why? He thought the kid might have some anger issues. “So what are you up to?” He motioned toward the fence.

  �
�Missed the bus again and Seth said if I overslept and didn’t make the bus and he had to drive me, he was going to dock my allowance,” Ryan said as if that explained everything.

  “And why does this have you jumping the fence?”

  “We live right behind you and I’ve figured out if I go over the fence I can catch the bus at the stop at the corner of your street. This makes everyone happy. I get a few extra minutes to sleep and Seth doesn’t have to drive me to school, and I get my allowance.”

  “Oh, I get it.” Ethan laughed. “You’re a man of many talents I see.” He had to give it to the kid to problem solve like that. Most kids, including a twelve-year-old Ethan, would have just asked his mom or dad for a ride.

  “Hey, a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do.” Ryan lifted his hand to wave, then headed for the fence at the front of the yard.

  “Ryan!” Ethan said loud enough to grab his attention.

  “Yeah?”

  “Why don’t you just go through the house?” Ethan offered.

  “Sweet!” Ryan smiled, waved again, and then disappeared into the house.

  Ethan heard the front door shut and sat down at the table. He remembered being that young, without a care in the world, with his whole life ahead of him. What he wouldn’t give to go back in time. There were so many things he’d change. The most important being to save Jay. But that was a fantasy that would never come to pass.

  Ethan tried to go over his notes and plot out the next chapter in his book but his mind kept floating back to Holden. The sound of his voice, the smell of his skin when he bore his face into his chest while they fucked on the hard cold ground. God, he couldn’t take his mind off Holden for one second. If he didn’t get this issue resolved, he’d never get any work done again.

  * * * *

  Friday morning, Ethan woke up, showered, all with a plan set in place. After spending the better part of the previous day daydreaming about Holden, Ethan made a decision. He had to confront the man. Tell him why he reacted the way he did. Holden deserved at least that much. Maybe they could find a way to be friends while Ethan came to terms with being able to love another person again.

  * * * *

  Ethan had breakfast going when Josh came rushing through the entryway. He was in a rush but put some scrambled eggs on toast and thanked Ethan as he headed out the door. A little while later, Jensen came out wearing khakis and a light blue button-down shirt.

  “Why you up so early?” Jensen poured a cup of coffee.

  “Couldn’t sleep.” Ethan dished out some eggs for Jensen, then snatched the toast from the toaster and laid it on the plate. He set it down in front of Jensen.

  “I can tell.” Jensen looked from the plate of food to Ethan then back again.

  Ethan started to wash the dishes that were in the sink while Jensen ate. He wanted to ask Jensen if he knew where Ethan could find Holden but he really wanted to bypass hearing Jensen say he was right.

  “Spill it, mister.” Jensen spoke up and Ethan glanced over his shoulder. His eyebrows were drawn. “Don’t give me that look. I can tell something is bothering you, so just tell me.”

  “Okay.” Ethan shut off the water and pulled out the chair next to Jensen. “You see, I’ve been thinking…” Ethan twisted his hands together, searching for the right words to explain himself.

  “You want to know where Holden lives, don’t you?” Jensen put a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

  “Dear god! Are you psychic now?” Ethan teased.

  “No, but I can tell you’re nervous and there is only one thing that would cause you to act like this. Holden.”

  Damn it all. Ethan hated when Jensen was right. It was hard to believe he’d only known them for four years.

  “Okay, you got me.” Ethan held his hands up in a show of defense. “I’ve been thinking and I at least owe Holden an explanation. This mate thing is a pretty big deal to shifters and I don’t want him to think I’ve just hung him to dry.”

  “Ethan, you do realize this mate thing,” he made quotes with his fingers in the air, “is a pretty big deal to us human counterparts? I get that you’re not ready to be in a relationship, but no matter how far away you run from it, that feeling in your heart when you think of Holden will always bring you back to him. Its true love without all that bullshit Hollywood happy ending crap that we lie and tell ourselves is love or, in your case, writer’s bullshit.”

  “Jeez, Jensen, tell me how you really feel.” Ethan rolled his eyes. Yes, he wrote romance novels for a living, and the irony of that wasn’t lost on him, seeing as he didn’t want to find love but he had no trouble writing stories about people finding their one and only.

  “Do you want his address or not?” Jensen narrowed an eye at him and Ethan nodded his head. “And I bet you want to borrow my car as well?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “It’s lucky for you I brought the plans I was working on home with me last night. I had a suspicion that you might pull your head out of your ass.”

  “Gosh, Jensen.” Ethan chuckled. “Who needs enemies when I have friends like you?”

  “Exactly, and don’t you forget it.” Jensen smiled at Ethan.

  By the time Jensen finished his breakfast, Ethan was urging the man to hurry up. He had to get in that car before he lost his nerve. Fear and excitement were waging a war inside his head and Ethan didn’t know which one was going to win the battle.

  “Holden’s address is programmed into my GPS. Just click this and you’re set.”

  “Okay, thanks, Jensen.” Ethan got into the car, his hands shaking as he turned the key in the ignition.

  “Hey, Ethan.” Jensen grabbed the door as Ethan moved to close it. “Promise me one thing.” Ethan looked Jensen in the eye and nodded his head. “Please keep an open mind about all this. I can see you’re hoping you can resolve this without getting emotionally involved, but sometimes when we least expect it, we find something really great.”

  “I know, Jensen.” Ethan blew out a breath, suddenly very tired. “I need to figure this out on my own, okay?”

  Jensen gave him a stiff nod and shut the door. Ethan pulled out of the drive and headed toward Nehalem. As he got closer, all the things he planned to say to Holden vanished as if erased from his brain. Ethan took a deep breath and prayed he figured out what to say before he got to Holden’s house.

  Chapter Nine

  It had been two days since Holden had seen Ethan. He ran a hand over his chest, knowing no matter how hard he rubbed the muscles, it wouldn’t take away the sting. It was his heart that ached and no matter what he did, there was no cure. The only thing or person that would make him not feel so sluggish and depressed was Ethan, but he wasn’t going to hold his breath that the man would seek him out.

  He saw the terrified look in Ethan’s face the other night. Holden would give his left nut to know what had happened in his mate’s past. They had been so happy and having such a good time and then Ethan ran off like a scared little puppy. Holden wanted to understand what caused the reaction. No, he needed to know or he’d never be able to go on with his life.

  With nothing else to do, Holden peeled himself out of bed and took a long, hot shower. As he soaped up his body, he took his time cleaning his cock. He fondled his balls but nothing happened. It was as if his dick was broke and the only fix was Ethan’s touch.

  “Fuck!” Holden banged his fist into the tile wall. If that were the case, he might as well get used to never having another orgasm again. He shuddered at the thought.

  Holden finished his shower then got dressed. He threw on a pair of cargo shirts and a dark gray polo. He had promised to pick Carson up from school and take him to dinner later that night, so he wanted to look presentable, and pajama bottoms weren’t going to cut it.

  The last thing he needed was for Carson to worry about him. He loved his nephew more than anything in the world and he didn’t want Carson to think his uncle was depressed or coming down sick. Carson was still too young to know
how life could just fuck a person sometimes. It sucked.

  Holden had just gathered the kitchen trash and was taking it out the back door around the side of the house where he kept the garbage can when he saw a small black car driving down the road. It looked familiar but Holden just shrugged it off. There were a ton of cars like that in the world. Holden turned around to head back into his house when he heard the car turn down his driveway. He stopped and stared for a moment. He put his hand up to shield his eyes from the sun.

  “Ethan,” Holden whispered as he made out his mate’s face in the shade of the car.

  Holden’s heart started to race and his whole body trembled with excitement. It had to be a good thing if Ethan had driven all this way. Maybe Ethan had come to sort things out with him. Holden could always hope.

  Ethan parked the car in Holden’s driveway, blocking his truck in. It took a moment, but Ethan slowly got out of the car.

  “Hey.” Ethan waved as he shut the door.

  “Hey,” Holden said back. He shoved his hands in this pockets, unsure what to do next.

  Ethan leaned his ass back against his car and crossed his arms over his broad chest. He looked uncertain and also a little nervous. Holden could have done the mature thing and said something to break the tension stretched between them, but he didn’t. Ethan was the one who ran away, not him, so if Ethan had something to say he needed to do it on his own.

  “Is it okay that I’m here?” Ethan asked. “I know I should have called first. You might have plans that I’m interrupting.”

  “No, no plans.” Holden took a small step forward. His eyes roamed up and over Ethan’s body. Ethan wore a white T-shirt with a light V-neck and faded blue jeans. The material for both looked soft, and the denim and cotton hugged Ethan’s lean fit body to a T. The white of the shirt made Ethan’s skin glow a dark shade, like honey that Holden wanted to lick off of Ethan’s body.