iFeel

by Marissa Carmel

  I flip my hair out in an attempt to unknot my locks when a jolt of terror seizes me. As I look up through the mirror, two soulless back eyes immobilize me. Behind me stands the most terrifying face I have ever seen; more terrifying than Justice’s that day at the convenient store, more terrifying than any face I could wildly imagine. His sheer lust for death was enough to petrify me, and he made no secret about what he has come for.

  My life.

  I stand terrified wishing there were some place I could go, but he has me trapped; pinning my tiny frame against the sink, crushing my pelvic bone.

  His eyes pursue me through the mirror, impaling his desires strait into my brain.

  My heart pounds so hard I hope it’s loud enough for Justice to hear. All I want is to be saved, and not perish at the hands of the likes of him. It’s almost as if I can hear a doomsday clock ticking away my last seconds.

  He smiles at my desperation. Behind his ashy lips are horrifying teeth. They’re a dull ivory with pointed tips, as if I’m staring down the mouth of a shark. The rims of his soulless eyes burn in a liquid orange frenzy, the same way his wild jet-black hair is styled on top of his head.

  I can barely think as the pounding of my heart moves into my head. My eyes start to swell with tears, and the more pain he forces into me the more roused he becomes.

  I can feel my spirit slipping away. I gasp for breath and wish for my life, but I won’t beg. If I’m going to go, I’ll go with some dignity; I won’t allow him any more pleasure then what he forcefully takes from me. I try to compartmentalize the pain. I wish to see Justice one more time, but I know my last vision will be myself dying.

  My air supply becomes increasingly thin; the color drains from my face, and my heartbeat rapidly slows, my killer watches eagerly as I take my last breaths.

  He is just as sadistic as Justice described the morning we formally met; the best morning of my life.

  I try to put my mind there, with him, as I quickly perish; I try to feel the warmth of his body and the soft touch of his skin.

  From my removed thoughts, I hear a loud crash, like someone crushed a tree trunk with their bare hands. The sound pulls me back. I look through the mirror to see three pairs of fiery eyes and livid faces fixated on my attacker. The Stalker releases me, sending me crashing to the floor. My knees hold no support for the dead weight my body has become. I can’t make out much of what’s going on, but I hear a lot of growling, hissing, and rustling above my limp body.

  Whatever happened it was over quickly, but I am still fading away. Each fleeting moment brings me closer to my passing. My body temperature drops to match the degree of the cold marble floor, my listless heart rendering me helpless.

  “It looks like she’s dead!” Someone cries.

  “She’s not dead!” The voice I would recognize from beyond erupts.

  I feel something warm cradle my neck. Justice’s ear pleasing voice whispers words I don’t understand, like he is speaking in tongues. Warm soft air fills my lungs as if he’s breathing his life directly into mine. My want has come true. He’s come for me, protected me, and saved me. From this moment on I promise myself I will never try to avoid him again, no matter what.

  “Liv, come back,” he whispers. “Come back.

  ***

  I wince my eyes in pain. The sound of voices echo around me like my head is submerged in water.

  “Justice you have to tell her.”

  “I think you have to butt out of it.”

  “She’s going to remember this time.”

  The voices are agitated, and I don’t understand the nature of the conversation. Forming a lucid sentence is a challenge in itself let alone processing anyone else’s.

  My mind is black, but I see two fiery shapes materialize in the darkness. I can’t interpret the vision until it is smack-dab in front of me. I recognize his eyes, the vacant black holes that tried to take my life.

  I thrust my body up from its restful position; I’m disoriented and all I can see was white.

  “Am I dead?” I yelp frantically looking around the whiteout I awoke to.

  “No, No,” Jocelyn puts cool hands on my feverish arms. “You’re in Justice’s room. You gave us quite a scare.” She looks down at me with big sympathetic Sapphire eyes. I look around the room that is decorated solely in white, as if he hired a designer straight out of heaven.

  I feel lightheaded, and my temples are pounding. I rest my throbbing head in my hands and shut my eyes, but the moment I see darkness I’m reminded of the Spirit Stalker that came for me last night. I shiver with fear and forcefully reopen them. In either position, he still manages to torture me.

  “Here,” Justice hands me some aspirin and a bottle of water.

  “We really need to stop meeting like this.” I say as I grab for the pills praying they’re enchanted with super speed.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Justice inquires as I gulp down the drugs.

  “Ya?”

  “What is it with you and the bathroom?”

  I wipe my lips, “Another one of the universes’ perverse jokes?”

  He smirks. “Apparently.”

  He sits on the edge of his bed that is blanketed in a white comforter so luxurious it feels like I am sitting in a cloud. I’m grateful he’s here and that he saved my life once again. I remember my promise; I will never try to avoid him again, no matter what, and I meant it.

  “I can remember everything.” I look at him onerously.

  Jocelyn slides her eyes over to Justice, but he silences her with a firm lash of his face. They converse quietly, on purpose.

  “He wants my death,” I tell them in a raspy voice. Tears form in my eyes. I can still feel the remnants of him inside me. Like he purposely left a piece of him to linger.

  “He’ll never hurt you again.” Justice says with a tightness to his tone.

  “The Stalker is getting bold.” Jocelyn confides. “His hunger for you is strong. To attack you at the house means he’s getting desperate, or he is really that stupid.”

  “You put up one hell of a fight though,” Justice adds proudly. “You were beaming purple when we found you, you weren’t giving yourself up that easily.”

  “Glad to hear I was doing something right,” I say surprised. “It felt like I was dying.”

  “You were.” Jocelyn said. “Anyone with less power would have been dead in seconds; you held out for a couple of minutes.”

  “It was only a couple of minutes,” I say disheartened. It felt more like a couple of years. I skim my eyes between them. “How did you know he was attacking me?”

  “I heard your frantic heartbeat.” Justice tells me.

  I almost don’t believe my ears.

  “Really? What else did you hear?” I ask suspiciously; I still sometimes wonder if he really can heed my thoughts.

  “Nothing, just your heartbeat. Why?” He asks in the same manor.

  “No reason.” I quickly let my suspicions go.

  “Liv, I have to go,” Jocelyn says as she kisses my forehead with cool lips. “You should get some rest. You’ll recuperate faster.”

  Before she leaves she gives Justice a sly look out of the corner of her eye, but he pays her no mind.

  “Bye Joz,” is his derisive response.

  He slides he eyes back to me. As soon as Jocelyn is out of the room a thousand-pound elephant takes her place. Last night is lingering above our heads, and I suddenly find myself insecure. “What?’ I ask uncomfortably.

  “Are you tired?”

  “Very.”

  “Jocelyn is right you should get some sleep.”

  “I can’t close my eyes.” I say distressed. “Every time I do I see his.”

  “I’ll keep you company while you fall sleep. I won’t leave your side; I promise. He can’t hurt you here.” Then Justice does something I would have never expected in 100 immortal years. He buoyantly crawls into bed next to me, not disturbing a thing. He props himself up against his white leather hea
d board and pulls me into his chest. He fluffs the blankets around me and nuzzles his chin into my hair; which is still a frizzy mess. He strokes my hairline with his thumb and breathes me in. It feels all too perfect, as if I were made to fit him. He cools his body temperature to alleviate my fever, and before I can say another word, he has entranced me into sleep. There are no searing eyes to haunt me in the darkness, as if he just shoo’ed the disturbance away.

  When I wake late that afternoon, Justice isn’t there. I get up, my head feeling a million times better.

  I find him on his balcony gazing out into the vast ocean that is his backyard. The warm sunny sky has turned a bluish grey. He has that distant look in his eyes, the one that puts space between him and everyone else. But I promised myself I wouldn’t avoid him, no matter how intimidated I felt. My clock is ticking, and our moments are numbered. I opened the floodgate and now I needed to see where the current would take me.

  “What are you doing out here?” I ask.

  “Reflecting,” he answers as he stares out over the sea.

  “Oh.” I said diffidently.

  “Are you feeling better?” He looks over at me.

  “Yes,” My headache is gone and my knees can sustain my weight again.

  “Good.” He curves up one side of his mouth.

  “What now?”

  “Now, I take you home and devise a new plan. This Stalker is more than just a physical pursuit; he’s an intellectual one. He’s playing a deadly game of chess, and it’s my move.”

  Fight Club

  I sit on my couch with my knees curled up to my chin watching Justice pensively pace around my apartment. He doing so many laps he making me dizzy. I put my head down to ease the motion sickness. I keep flashing back to last night, and seeing the Stalker everywhere I look. He haunts my subconscious without even trying.

  “Liv, are you alright?” Justice asks.

  “Fine, I’m just wondering why I can remember it this time.”

  “Of course you can remember; I didn’t…” He catches himself before he finishes his sentence.

  “You didn’t what?” I ask intently.

  “Nothing, it’s nothing.” He goes back to pacing.

  “Justice what aren’t you telling me?” I ask as I stare up at him.

  He doesn’t answer; he just stands there with a musing face.

  Suddenly, something clicks.

  “What did Jocelyn mean when she said I would remember this time?”

  His lips twitch; it is the only part of him that moves.

  “Justice?” I say tensely.

  He breathes deeply, but is disinclined to talk.

  I give him a painstaking look.

  “Alright, I’ll tell you, just stop looking at me like that.” He rushes the words, then turns his head away from me. “I have a confession.”

  “Another one?” I say indifferently.

  “Yes, but you might not be so apathetic about this one.”

  My painstaking look quickly turned to caution.

  “We spoke that night, at Solstice, before you were attacked.”

  “What?” My eyes fixate on him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He looks back at me blankly, like he doesn’t know where to begin.

  “That morning, in the café, I was going after the Stalker when someone got in my way. She literally fell right in front of me.” He says coyly.

  I recall the incident.

  “At first you were nothing more than an interruption to my pursuit, but then something happened. When we touched, it felt as if you passed right through me. I never experienced anything so spectral,” he shakes his head perplexed. “I didn’t understand it, and I definitely didn’t like it, the way you made me feel.” He says disgusted, like he was reliving the moment.

  “I pursued the Stalker all day, but I couldn’t escape the infused feelings that were spinning inside me. Still unsettled, I tracked him to Solstice later that night. I was solely committed on taking him out when again, an unnerving pair of amethyst eyes got in my way.” He starts pacing. “Your attention was occupied by some dark-haired girl most of the night. And I watched, trying to figure out what it was about you that captured me. There was nothing unique or special about the way you carried yourself. However, somehow, you consumed all of my attention.”

  “You were spying on me?” I crudely interrupt.

  “All I wanted was to confront you, and demand to know what you were.” There is an edge to his voice. “Looking back now, I should have known something was off. Your aura was a silvery grey, no different from a simple humans, but you were definitely capable of doing some inhumanly things. When the opportunity finally presented itself, I took advantage. You were standing alone watching the dancers when I confronted you, demanding you tell me what you were and what you had done to me.

  You looked at me like I was genuinely insane and basically told me to go pound salt. I have to admit I didn’t expect so much ferocity out of someone so small.” He says amused, like his perfection has shielded him from any sort of chastisement through the years.

  “You sincerely had no idea what I was talking about which in turn made me question myself.”

  I try so hard to find the memories he’s speaking of. I can’t explain the feeling it gives me not to be in control of my own mind. I feel helpless, like I have no choice in the matter, as if someone has scattered my brain.

  “I left you after that, but not before-” he stops pacing; his face becomes hard and his lips firmly tense.

  “Before what?”

  Static passes between us.

  “Before what?” I demand again. It feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff.

  “Before I swiped your memory.”

  My gaze becomes grossly intense, but he doesn’t back away from my glowering stare. “Come again?”

  It becomes alarmingly apparent that there are a lot of things I didn’t know about Justice. And like a tidal wave, his words come crashing over me. They won’t remember a thing; I assure you.

  “So how did you really end up in my apartment that morning?” I ask with acidity to my tone. There is rage building inside me.

  “Exactly how I told you I did. I never lied to you about anything.”

  “No, you just left gaping holes in the story!” I snap.

  “Ughhh!” He groans. “Do you want me to finish or not so you can put to rest this judgment on me?”

  “It’s not judgment, its obscurity,” I correct him.

  “I tried to turn my focus back on the Stalker, but our conversation had me so heated I needed to get some air before I caused a fire in the men’s room. I was only gone a minute. But when I returned it was like a serendipitous event was taking place. I found the Stalker on the dance floor, latched onto you, slowly killing you among the sea of unaware people. And that wasn’t the only thing I saw. You were blazing in a purple haze, the exact same color as your eyes. I almost didn’t believe it at first. I gunned it towards the dance floor, but it felt like I couldn’t get to you fast enough. Every second pulling you-” he stops. He clears his throat as if there is a lump blocking his airway. “Pulling you away from your life.” He says slowly.

  “I tackled him right there on the dance floor; I didn’t care who saw, all I wanted was to get him away from you. The chaos that ensued was just enough of a distraction to flee from the club, but he pursued you relentlessly. After I was finally able to thwart him, I brought you back here.” He drops his eyes. “Then I did it again. I swiped your memory so you could recover.”

  By the time Justice is done speaking his hard face has softened, as if trying to apologize through his expression. But I resist it. I can’t ignore the feelings of betrayal. Why did he lie to me, and kept secrets from me? My anger grows hotter with every breath; it almost feels uncontrollable. I’ve never experienced such viciousness, I just about recognize myself. All I know is that they were my memories, and he had no right to take them.

  “So is that what you meant
when you said I should remember, there is nothing in your past that could make me think your character is irreproachable?”

  He didn’t have to answer for me to know, it was written all over his face.

  My esophagus starts to burn the same way it had at Cross’ that day, and I again have this uncontrollable urge to blow something up. I start to worry there’s a suicide bomber embedded in me somewhere.

  I inhale in through my nose and out through my mouth trying to calm myself, a technique one of my many therapists told me to use when I feel overwhelmed. It never works, but I’m hoping for some kind of unexpected event. When I focus on the matter at hand, it only elevates my anger more.

  “Liv?” Justice asks, “are you alright?’ He stares at me intently.

  I shoot him a dirty look, as if I can discharge fury right through my eyes.

  “Give them back.” I demand through clenched teeth.

  “Give what back?” He jerks his head.

  “My memories, you had no right to take them.” I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

  “I can’t give them back; it doesn’t work that way.” He bites.

  “So what, there’re just gone, lost in an abyss somewhere!”

  “If that’s the way you want to put it, then yes. Why do you want them back anyway? Just so you can remember the pain? Wasn’t living through it once enough?”

  “I guess I’ll never know since I can’t remember! What gives you the right to go around stealing people’s memories?!”

  He grimaces.

  “I did it to protect you.”

  “No! You did it to protect you!” I lash out at him. The anger I thought I was controlling bubbles over.

  “That’s not true!” He argues sharply.

  “What else have you lied to me about?” I demand.

  “Nothing.” He replies flatly, as if my accusation offended him.

  I don’t care if it did, he infuriates me. I’m questioning everything. My trust in him crumbled to the ground like rubble. Stomped. Pulverized. Shattered, rubble. It’s killing me. Here, I open my heart to him, and it feels like I fell in love with a Monet, beautifully put together from a far, a scattered mess up close.