iFeel

by Marissa Carmel

  Everyone lingers around the large mirror in the media room where Jayden is broadcasting Time Square. Who needs Hi Def when you have a visualist in the house?

  The ball is set to drop in t- minus three minutes, and all I can feel is controlled excitement in the air. Only a few months ago, standing in front of thousands of people would have made me homicidal. But tonight, I can enjoy the holiday with my immortal, like any other normal girl.

  Jocelyn refills my champagne glass as she waits excitedly for the New Year.

  “This never gets old,” she says.

  “How many New Years is this for you?” I wonder aloud.

  “Not many, only number eighty seven.”

  “Eighty seven?!” In retrospect that was infantile for an immortal, but for me, eighty seven meant dentures and a wheelchair.

  Justice pulls me away from Jocelyn and wraps his arms around my waist. “Why is it that you’re paying attention to everyone else except me?” He asks softly in my ear.

  “It’s purely accidental, but I think you may have a problem.”

  “What’s that?” He narrows his eyes.

  “They like me, so that means you have to share.”

  “Never.” He leans in and kisses me. “Your all mine, be sure to make that crystal clear to Aayden.”

  “I don’t think you have anything to worry about; I’m a one Seraph kind of girl.” I tell him as I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back. Fiery blood courses through my veins as we generate a heat wave that is almost unbearable.

  “Get a room!” Someone shouts, breaking up our little party. I scan around utterly embarrassed. The comment doesn’t seem to phase Justice.

  “Don’t mind him, he’s an idiot.”

  As soon as Justice said the word, he, I knew exactly who he was talking about.

  We all gather close to the mirror as the ball begins to drop. It was a good distraction, but I can’t help noticing Justice shooting heated glances Derrin’s way.

  Jayden is able to get so close to the time ball it feels like we are plunging right alongside it.

  “3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!” We are bombarded by the shouts of spectators in the city. Justice grabs my face and gives me a jubilant kiss; I instantaneously melted. I have to remember not let my knees buckle from the fervor.

  It was the first time in my life, I’ve kissed someone other than my parents at midnight. I have to admit, as much as I loved them, this was way better. When he releases me from the embrace, I suck in a huge breath his kisses are as tantalizing, as they are suffocating.

  I am then suddenly showered with more lips on my face; Jocelyn and Daniel wish me a Happy New Year in passing after Aayden and Jayden double team me, sandwiching my cheeks. Even Melenia and Derrin make an effort to be social after they heated the room with their own midnight affection. I’ve never felt more toxic passion radiate from one couple than I do from them. It is definitely inhuman, and I am thankful I can only feel one-half of the duo; I fear if I feel them both, I will have to drown myself in a bucket ice water. Who is Derrin to tell us to get a room?

  Justice leads me over to the leather sofa, away from the commotion of the crowd. He wraps an arm around me and lets out a comfortable sigh.

  I can’t tell you what that sound does to me, every time I hear it, I get this overwhelming feeling of happiness, happiness and love.

  “Liv?” Justice looks down at me, “there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

  “What’s that?” I ask curiously as I snuggle his arms.

  “I figured while I was gone you would come looking for me, and someone would tell you where I went. But your reaction on the boardwalk,” he shook his head not knowing how to phrase the rest of his question.

  I knew immediately what he was getting at, “of course I came looking! I showed up here later that day. Derrin was the only one home, he told me that he heard we had a fight, and then you left. He didn’t mention anything about the Stalker. I just thought you took off because you were mad.”

  “Derrin.” He narrows his eyes and stares far beyond me.

  I don’t like his facial expression. I hope I didn’t just start a cold war.

  A second later my phone buzzes in the back pocket of my new True Religions, the pair, I bought to replace my murdered ones. I expected to see a text message from Jeremy or my mother, but it was Nikkee calling instead. I suddenly got the feeling, I was forgetting something.

  “WE’RE ENGAGED!”She screams as I answer the phone.

  “What? I thought you just said you’re engaged,” I repeat, disbelieving my own words.

  “I did!” She is so excited it feels like fireworks are going off on the other end of the receiver. I suddenly feel my heart sink. I remember what I’m forgetting. A New Year’s party at Jessica’s tonight. A New Year’s party Davis specifically asked if I was going to, in which my answer was yes. I totally forgot.

  I relive the nervous jolt in his stomach as if it were happening inside me right now. My heart drowns deeply in my chest, and a lump of congealed emotion gets stuck in my throat. Justice grabs me tighter with questioning eyes; the phone call has clearly upset me. I immediately get up off the couch and walk out of the room, through the French doors onto the patio.

  As Nikkee tells me every gory detail of the proposal, I stand at the edge of the decorated pool gripping my phone, letting the frost bite my nose.

  “And then, while we were standing outside, freezing our asses off, he dropped to one knee as everyone inside yelled Happy New Year and proposed! It was so romantic! The ring is so beautiful! I can’t wait until you see it! I can’t believe this; I feel like I am living in a dream!” She isn’t the only one who feels that way, except, I feel like I was living more in a nightmare.

  How could I be so self-consumed? Was I so blinded by Justice’s return that I completely blocked out everything else? I missed a milestone in my best friend’s life because I was too wrapped up with what was going on in my own. I press my lips together and force my forehead in my hand, trying desperately to conceal my regret.

  “I’m so happy for you Nik,” I can barely spit out the words. I didn’t want my upset to ruin her moment.

  “Ok! I have to go! I’ll send you a picture of the ring! You’re going to die! We get to start planning! Call you tomorrow, MOH!”

  Then she hangs up.

  MOH?

  I stand there looking at the floating lights in the pool trying to figure out what just happened. I am the worst best friend in the world, no, wait, the universe. How could I be the one person not there to share in her joy? She is always there for me, no matter what. Guilt and disappointment run rampant through my body along with chills from the January night. I have gone numb from the cold and emotional lament.

  “What’s wrong?” An ear pleasing voice asks from behind me. Justice’s silent steps prevent any warning of his presence.

  “How long have you been standing there?” I ask with a sniffle.

  “Only a moment.” He places a heated hand on my frozen arm. I still stare out over the pool.

  “Nikkee got engaged and I missed it.” I say solemnly. “There was a party at our friend Jessica’s tonight, and I forgot all about it. It was my own stupid fault.”

  “Is she mad at you?” He asks.

  “No, she’s enthusiastic. She called me MOH.”

  “MOH?” He repeats naively.

  “Maid of Honor.”

  “Well that’s a good thing, right?”

  “Ya, it’s what we’ve always talked about.”

  He wraps his arms around my chest and rests his chin on my shoulder. “So what the real problem?”

  “I just feel guilty; I should have been there.”

  “It’s my fault; I monopolize all your time.”

  “No!” I turn to face him. “This has nothing to do with you; I wanted to be here tonight. It was my choice.”

  The truth is, I can’t imagine being any place else. As much as I regret forgetting about Jessica�
��s party, I wouldn’t have changed one thing about tonight. In hindsight, even if I had remembered, would I have even gone? My conclusion, probably not; it wouldn’t be the first time I was a no-show.

  “You could still make it, if you leave now, I’ll even take you if you want.”

  As tempting as that sounds, I didn’t want to go; I want to stay here, with him. Nikkee will be so wrapped up with phone calls and congratulators it won’t even be worth the trip. My decision is to leave the night the way it is and address my remorse in the morning.

  “That’s ok; I think it will be better if I see her tomorrow, when she’s decompressed from the initial shock.”

  “If that’s what you want,” he tightens his arms and draws me into his warm chest.

  It is what I want. To be here, secure with him, away from the world.

  At least for tonight.

  Tattoo

  “Nikkee Lee,” my best friend says her future name like she is inhaling a fresh bouquet of roses.

  I roll my eyes; her happiness is nauseating, and I mean in the literal sense. I’ve never felt her so overtly enthusiastic.

  “You sound like a porn star.” I comment caustically.

  She pays no mind to my sarcastic ridicule; she just admires her beveled set diamond as she thumbs through one of the bridal magazines stacked on her lap.

  “Pink or lavender?” She asks.

  “Pink or lavender what?”

  “Bridesmaid dresses! Since the wedding is in June, I need a springy color.”

  “I’m partial to either, but I think too much purple might make my eyes look scary in pictures.”

  She considers for a second, “good point, pink it is.”

  I relax my feet into the soothing eucalyptus bath and suddenly hear a strange strangling hush. I perk up immediately and look around wildly.

  “What’s wrong?” Nikkee asks instantly.

  I survey the salon; nothing seems out of sorts. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. At least I surely hope.

  “Nothing,” I say questioning myself, “the water was warmer than I expected,” busting out a quick lie. She eyes me dubiously, but doesn’t push. I’m grateful for her passiveness.

  I return to my idle thoughts. I can’t stop the concern from skipping across my brain. I’ve never felt Nikkee so happy, yet I can’t help but feel this whole thing is moving a little fast. Nikkee and Davis only met last summer, and now in six short months they are going to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. It’s a step that seems so immeasurable to me.

  “Nik?” I ask reserved.

  “Yeah?” She answers completely content, not lifting her eyes from the New Jersey Bride in her hands.

  “Not to rain on your parade, but don’t you think you and Davis are moving a little fast? I mean, you only met him like thirty eight seconds ago.”

  She closes the magazine and looks at me with disbelieving green eyes. “Liv, if there is anyone on this earth who would understand how much we love each other; it’s you. I’ve never been so happy in my life.” She reiterates my earlier sentiments.

  “I’m not saying I doubt your love. It’s real; I know. It’s just, what do you really know about him? How can you learn in a few short months that he’s THE ONE?”

  She studies me sharply. “I don’t know; I just do. I knew the minute I met him, I wanted to be with him. Forever. It was just a feeling. No pun intended.” Then her stare shifts. “Do you think I’m making a mistake?”

  “Not if you don’t,” I say quickly to ease her mind. I don’t think she’s making a mistake; I just don’t want anything messing with her happiness.

  “I can tell you this, I know Davis is a good person who genuinely loves me, and that’s enough.”

  How can I argue with that? Nikkee always was a girl who knew what she wanted. It’s a trait I admire about her. She also makes me realize something about my own relationship, the one she has no idea about yet. As much as I know Justice cares about me, I don’t really know anything about him. I mean none of the little stuff, not even his last name. At least she has a leg up on me in that department. So, really, who am I to judge?

  All of a sudden I hear it again, a menacing hiss that startles me right out of my seat. I look around manically once more. Nikkee is grilling me. “What’s up with you?” She demands.

  I honestly don’t know. My heart jolts, and I’m not sure if it’s from the triple turbo latte I just finished, or what? Nothing seems out of place. What’s eating me?

  I relax back into the chair, the water rustling at my feet. Nikkee is still staring concerned.

  “I’m fine,” I assure her. “Too much caffeine.”

  She eyes me warily, but is disinclined to push. She’s noticed the change in me and is giving me the benefit of the doubt. I hope I don’t disappoint.

  I think about Justice. That always makes me feel better. I reminisce about the first few weeks we spent together. How he quietly enjoyed watching me dance, helping me cook- although he never ate- and how we’d veg out in front of the TV commentating. I’m looking forward to more of those moments.

  I bolt upright as a sinister whisper surges through my ears. Shattering my reverie. It’s cold and strangling, and then the feeling of death takes me.

  I’m choking, Nikkee’s moving; people are scattering.

  It’s Prime all over again.

  ***

  “You’re kidding right?” I stare up at the big black intimidating truck. There is more chrome on that Escalade than on an Orange County Chopper.

  “What?” Justice insists, “I thought you would appreciate the four-wheeled gesture.”

  “I do, but those are four serious wheels.”

  He opens the passenger’s side door; he’s trying to be chivalrous, but getting into the black beast is going to be like climbing Mt. Vesuvius in stiletto heels. I grab onto the handle and silently hope I don’t fall flat on my ass.

  “Would you like some help?” Justice asks as he whisks me up into the seat. He moves me like I’m lighter than air. “I can buckle the seat belt for you too if you’d like.”

  “I think I can handle it.” I assure him as I click in. As I look at Justice’s face, a boatload of emotion pours over me. I think back to this afternoon; another young girl is dead, and this time it’s my fault, the Stalker was there for me. I have blood on my hands and they will be stained for a lifetime.

  “Why didn’t he just kill me?” I ask Justice gravely, it’s a question I can’t shake.

  He regards me grimly. “He wants to scare you; that’s what Spirit Stalkers do. They mind fuck you.”

  Lovely.

  He kisses me gently, a sweet, soft reassuring kiss. And I’m suddenly overwhelmingly grateful for him. He makes me feel safe. Tonight is for me, he is trying desperately to distract me; this afternoon shook me to the core. The reality of danger is spine-chillingly close, and to quote him “I need a diversion.” I think somewhere deep down he is secretly scared I will regress back into the emotional wasteland.

  I stare mindlessly as Justice drives over Clearwater Memorial bridge. I admire him surreptitiously; sleek strong jaw line, high cheekbones and wide eyes; his dark spiky hair perfectly complementing his luminous winter tan.

  “Tell me something,” I ask wanting a distraction.

  “Like what?” His facetted blue eyes focus on me. Sometimes his beauty is so compelling it makes me forget how to form coherent thoughts.

  “Umm,” I say a little disillusioned. “I don’t know, little things, the small stuff.”

  “Small stuff?”

  “Ya, you know, small stuff, your favorite color, sport, (I skip over food), pastimes, last name. Do you even have a last name?”

  He laughs out loud, “of course I have a last name.”

  “Do you feel like sharing?” I grin. His laugh is infectious.

  “It’s Pasture, we all adopted Daniel’s name when we were reborn.” He gives me a look like I’m silly.

  Pasture, I like it;
it sounds peaceful.

  “As for your other questions, Carolina blue and baseball. I’m exactly six foot two, one hundred and ninety pounds and a Gemini who loves romantic walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and base jumping,” he teases. “Am I leaving anything out?”

  I don’t know which is worse, the fact that he rattled off the answers I was looking for, or that he is just as big a smart ass as me.

  “Informative.” I’m impressed. “Base jumping must be one of the rigorous activities you once alluded to.”

  “One,” he says in an insinuating manor.

  My cheeks flush from the sudden spike in temperature. I’m not sure if it’s the whole car that heats up or just me.

  “Can I ask something else?” I try to fan myself inconspicuously.

  “Of course.”

  “If you had one wish, what would it be?”

  He pauses for a moment as he looks at me “I think you know the answer to that.”

  I think for a second, there is no doubt in my mind of the answer.

  “A second chance with Derrin?”

  He concentrates on the road.

  “Not so much a second chance with him, I don’t think our relationship can ever recover; my wish would be for him to get a second chance with his family.”

  I don’t think Melenia would be very happy about that.

  “That’s a very selfless wish.”

  “I don’t see it so much as selfless, just a desperate attempt to atone.”

  I can’t help but feel like Justice tortures himself unfairly. I don’t know where the feeling comes from, but every time he talks about Derrin, something in my soul fragments telling me he’s wrong to blame himself for their foreboding fate.

  “What about a selfish wish?”

  “A selfish wish?”

  “Ya, something that you want for yourself.”

  His scans the road like he is scanning through his thoughts, attentive and distant.

  “I would wish to be human again.”

  “Really?” I ask surprised. “Why? You have everything, the best clothes, the best cars, a house bigger than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, why would you want that?”