The Currency of Love

by Jill Dodd

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  For Natalie and Stella

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  While writing this book, I referenced the hundreds of letters I wrote from Paris to my family and friends. I also relied on journals I kept during the time period of the book. My other source of memory is the thousands of photos, both personal and professional, that bring me right back to the moments when all of this happened. I researched news articles when necessary to find exact dates and other details. Some of the main characters were gracious enough to read my manuscript to be sure the story felt authentic to them. I changed some names and identifying details of people portrayed in the book. In some cases, I chose not to include people and events in an effort to keep the story focused and concise.

  I’m always happy by the sea

  PIRATES

  August 1980, Cannes, France

  Earth crunches under the tires as we roll to a stop. “We’re here!” Dominic shouts. All five of us pile out in the dark and wander instinctively toward the music and twinkling lights. I see a huge fire in the distance.

  “Where are we?” I ask. Pepper body-slams me, singing in drunken French. We’re both a bit wobbly from drinks earlier at the pool and the champagne in the limo. I balance on the balls of my feet so I don’t trip in my heels. I’m charged up and happy about finally being on vacation.

  Dominic puts his hand around my waist. “Jill, this is the famous old Le Pirate, come on!”

  The closer we get, the louder the music becomes. I can’t believe my eyes—I see hordes of long-haired, tattooed, shirtless pirates, banging tambourines and strumming guitars. A twenty-foot bonfire crackles, lighting up the night sky. Overhead, more pirates climb ropes with daggers clinched between their teeth. It looks like a scene out of Pirates of the Caribbean, except the movie hasn’t been made yet.

  A long table sparkles with candles, crystal, and silver. At the head sits a young Egyptian-looking girl with dark, exotic eyes and jet-black hair. Her blue, beaded dress shimmers in the candlelight. Sophisticated men and women animatedly converse. In the past, I might have felt out of place, but after modeling in Paris for a year, I can fit in anywhere. Suddenly, a suited man stands up and hurls his champagne glass into the fire. Another guy throws his on the rocks and shards of glass ricochet. Adrenaline rushes through me as pandemonium breaks out. Of course, I jump right in. “I love this place!” I scream to Pepper. “It’s better than the Greek restaurants in Saint-Germain!”

  “Hollywood doesn’t have places like this, I bet!” she yells back to me.

  A dark-tanned, greasy old pirate hands us each a glass of champagne. “Salute!” I take a swig, and another pirate pulls out my chair. Dominic begins introducing the other guests at the table, which is futile with the thundering music. I shake hands, nod, and smile anyway.

  Pirates serve plates of baked potatoes topped with sour cream and caviar. I have never tasted caviar before and pucker at the salty tang. I gulp the champagne and hurl the glass into the fire. A pirate promptly brings me another. As the Spanish guitars, tambourines, and drums speed up, I want to dance, not eat, so I jump up and throw my plate in the fire.

  In the midst of this frenzy, I turn back around and notice a man watching me, smiling, laughing slightly. Normally, this would be creepy, but it’s not. I smile back and sit down. He brings his chair next to mine. He kind of reminds me of my friend’s dad, who I danced with at a wedding. I’m grateful that he’s not some young guy who is going to try to sleep with me. He is shorter than me, broad-chested, and balding, which makes me feel in control of the situation.

  I can’t hear a word he’s saying, so he takes my hands and pulls me up to dance. We twirl all around the dusty ground together until he stops and grabs a chair, tossing it into the fire. We watch as the blaze envelops the charred skeleton. He smiles at me, which I take as a challenge and throw one in too. We look at each other, laughing, and slam together again tight, like two magnets, whirling around to the wild gypsy music in front of the flames.

  It’s only us dancing. Everyone else is drinking, eating, and laughing at the festive table, providing a pretty backdrop for our little world. Musicians circle us again, and he and a pirate grab my hands and feet, scoop me up, and swing me back and forth like a rag doll. I let my head fall back with my hair grazing the dirt, watching the flames from upside down. I am totally surrendered to the spirit of the party, euphoric with freedom.

  They lower me to the ground, and I stagger to the table. The older man with the huge smile helps me into my chair, but remains standing, watching me. Then he sits down slowly, leaning slightly toward my face, his eyes locked on mine. We sit looking at each other and start laughing again. His sparkling eyes are full of life. Then he tenderly pulls my left arm, palm up, onto the table, pushes my sleeve up, and writes I love you, in blood, down my forearm. It takes me a moment to realize it’s blood. I’m stunned, but I like it. It feels like we’ve made some kind of secret pact.

  A pirate sees the blood and whisks him away for a bandage. Pepper’s off socializing somewhere as I sit at the crowded table among the partying, laughing guests, trying to take in what just happened. I’m lost in my own world, dizzy-drunk and surrounded by strangers in this mad place. All I can do is stare at my arm. Time stands still as my heart soars overhead like a bird. I like that he wrote I love you. I don’t wipe it off.

  I don’t know who he is, but over the next two years I will know him intimately. He is Adnan Khashoggi, the billionaire Saudi Arabian arms dealer.

  First professional shoot in Hollywood, 1978

  WILHELMINA MODELS

  1979, Century City

  Wilhelmina Cooper, or “Willy,” sits across from me at her desk, smoking and thumbing through my portfolio. The living legend and namesake of my agency, Wilhelmina Models, has traveled from New York City to Los Angeles to meet her West Coast girls.

  Because of her reputation as a glamorous New York model in the sixties, I had built her up in my mind as a great beauty, statuesque and elegant. But the frail woman in front of me is gaunt, her complexion powdery and gray. She’s cold and reserved—not an ounce of warmth or personality. Maybe New York does that to people. I want to connect with her, but it’s clearly not happening.

  “So Jill, you need to lose ten pounds. Grow your hair out long—no bangs.” She wags her fingers that hold the cigarette at me. “Your nails should be long and manicured—always,” she says, taking a drag.

  “But my nails are so thin, they don’t grow long. I teach swimming lessons and they get all soggy.”

  She’s not interested. “Get acrylics, then. You could do a lot of swim and lingerie. I think you need some time in Paris. I’ll call our French agent. It was nice to meet you.” She hands back my portfolio, we shake hands, and I walk out, deflated.

  The head of my agency thinks I’m fat and doesn’t like my hair. Apparently, one hundred and twenty-three pounds is way too heavy for my five-foot-nine frame, and how am I supposed to instantly grow long hair? It’ll take years!

  Right then, my world goes small and dark into a tunnel of self-disgust. I’m a fool to think I can make it as a model in New York!

  On my way through the parking garage, I think of ways to starve myself. I drive in a daze to the nail salon, where the manicurist layers
on toxic epoxy and grinds it with an electric sander. My mind ping-pongs between bad ideas, self-abusing thoughts, and terrible ways to push down my hunger.

  I hate these fake nails. They make me feel claustrophobic, like I can’t breathe, so I rip them off with wire cutters the night before leaving for Paris.

  Paris parking lot, winter 1980

  FRENCH FOR TRAVELERS

  February 1980, LAX to Charles de Gaulle

  The girl sitting next to me is a model. I can tell from her ridiculously beautiful, perfect face. I assume she’s on her way to model in Paris like me. “Hi, I’m Jill. Who are you with?”

  “I’m with Willy—you?” Her blue eyes and puffy lips are totally marketable and, with that long, chocolate-brown hair, she’ll have no problem. I wish mine were long like that.

  “I am too, but I’ve never seen you at the agency. Sorry, what’s your name?”

  “Scarlett—I just moved from Portland. That’s why you haven’t seen me.”

  The plane ascends and the cabin fills with cigarette smoke, giving me an instant pounding headache. I look at Scarlett. “You don’t smoke, do you?”

  “No! It’s horrible—I can’t breathe.” She waves her hand, trying to clear the smoky fog in front of her face.

  “Wait, are you going to work with Paris Planning? Have you met Gerald?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I met him in LA. I think we’re staying together in the same hotel.”

  “Good! I’m glad we don’t have to do this alone.”

  “You know Gerald only chose two girls from the whole US to come to Paris, right?” she says.

  “No. Really?” I feel instantly flattered, but wonder if it’s really true.

  I grab my French for Travelers book from my bag. I need to know how to say “hello,” “please,” and “thank you.” Scarlett buries her nose in a romance novel with a sexy woman and a hunky man on the cover.

  Everybody tried to talk me out of going to Paris except the agency and Alleen, who prepared me with “Lambchop, the best way I can describe the French is that if there’s a goddamn pipe in the room, they’ll wallpaper it. They have a genetic need to decorate everything. Oh, and it’s cold as fuck there in the winter. I mean it, Choppers, if you go to Paris in the winter, you’ll freeze your ass off.”

  Alleen is a realist. And yes, it’s winter—February to be exact. Alleen is the only person I know who’s been to Paris, and I’m nervous—and not just about the weather. I’m on a mission to support myself financially, and my need for freedom and independence is stronger than the fear knocking at me. Besides, I’m an expert at silencing fear and stuffing down anxiety until I can’t even feel it. I’m gonna make it on my own. I have to. I’m determined to never depend on anyone ever again. I’ve got to be free. I absolutely must be able to support myself financially and create my own life on my own terms.

  After eleven hours and no sleep, we land after midnight at Charles de Gaulle airport, which has the modern esthetic of Tomorrowland at Disneyland. People from foreign countries I can’t even imagine sleep in piles on the floor.

  We drag our heavy, overstuffed suitcases past them all into the RER train car that takes us to the center of Paris. Whizzing along in the dark tunnel, I look at Scarlett through my bloodshot haze. “I’m not staying here more than a month, two at the most.”

  “Same.”

  Our train screeches to a halt. We get off and wander in the dim underground Metro maze under Paris.

  “What does sortie mean?” Scarlett says, looking up.

  “I don’t know,” I say, agitated. We drag our huge bags through tunnel after tunnel, up and down a thousand stairs, trying to budge every locked turnstile and stainless-steel door. The Metro is closed for the night, and we’re locked in. I stand in front of a pair of steel doors, determined to get over them, and look back at the no-way-in-hell look on Scarlett’s face.

  “Come on, I’ll help you over,” I beg. I hadn’t noticed how tiny she is, maybe only five-four. She rolls her eyes and finally climbs on the ticket-sucking part of the turnstile, then throws a leg over the top of the steel door and slides down the opposite side. I hoist the luggage up and over, climb up, and jump down.

  We wander through what feels like miles of tunnels and thousands of steps until we hear the echo of cars speeding on the wet street above. After climbing one last flight of stairs, hauling our heavy bags up one stair at a time, we’re finally outside. Like Alleen said, Paris is cold as fuck—rainy and windy too.

  Soon, a taxi spots us waving in the dark, and we hand the driver the address. “Ah oui, Saint-Germain. He jumps out and stuffs our suitcases in his trunk. “Allez, les filles, allons-y!” We climb in and he steps on the gas.

  Racing through its streets, Paris’s absolute beauty snaps me out of my sleepy, frustrated crankiness and takes me in her grip. We turn a corner, and through the mist I see the tree-lined Seine glowing dark black, twinkling with reflections of streetlights and bridges. Grand palaces are lit up on either side. It’s pure magnificence, and it makes downtown Los Angeles look like the apocalypse.

  The taxi drops us at the hotel the French agency has booked for us. The door is locked so we push the buzzer. The thick, wood slab opens with a thud to a disheveled man, half asleep in his pajamas. He motions for us to follow, and we drag our bags up four flights of creaky stairs to the tiny room with one small bed, a bidet, and sink—no toilet. The man disappears and we collapse into bed and turn out the light.

  “How old are you, Jill?” Scarlett asks quietly.

  “I just turned twenty, in October.”

  “Can you keep a secret?” she asks.

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “I lied to the agency. I’m not twenty-one.”

  I look up in the dark, at the ceiling. “Oh. Well, how old are you?”

  “How old do I look?” She sounds tentative.

  “I don’t know, like twenty-four? I’m guessing high.”

  “Nope. I’m twenty-eight and barely five-four. I’m so scared to be here. When I met Gerald we were sitting down. I do mostly face and hair stuff, but still, I don’t think this is gonna work. Do you think they’re gonna send me home?”

  “First of all, you don’t look anywhere near twenty-eight and you’re so pretty, you’re gonna do great. I can totally see you killin’ it with that face of yours. Hopefully, we both will.”

  Paris street, winter 1980

  MY PLAN DE PARIS

  European police sirens and honking cars pull me out of my coma in the morning. It’s so cold my face is numb. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a pipe that runs along the wall. It’s covered in faded floral wallpaper, like the walls. I smile and think about Alleen.

  The city glistens in the morning fog as our taxi speeds over Pont Neuf and up rue de Rivoli. Paris Planning is at 29 rue Tronchet, with the La Madeleine church on one end of the street and Galeries Lafayette at the other. A huge wooden door opens onto a cobblestone courtyard and we climb the old stairway to the second floor where a shiny brass plaque on the door reads PARIS PLANNING MODELS.

  We open the door to pounding club music, ringing phones, and yelling in French. The stark white, modern, calm-looking space is anything but calm. Loud, fast-talking agents are manning phones behind a chest-high counter running the length of the slim room, and opposite them is a wall of windows and shelves stacked with model composites. Each composite, or card, has fashion, head, and body shots with the model’s name, measurements, and the Paris Planning logo, like an auction house or real estate office.

  Gerald, the head of Paris Planning, bounces down to greet us with a huge smile. “Bonjour les filles, I see you made it to Paris! How was your sleep? You girls ready to work?”

  His French accent is thick. He kisses us on both cheeks. Gerald is more handsome than I remember. He’s confident, even cocky, but somehow it suits him and looks natural. Even his crooked, tobacco-stained teeth look cool. Messy brown curls fall around his face and smile lines frame a naughty grin and blue eyes. I
thought black leather pants and biker jackets were only for rock stars. This is no longer true.

  “Here are your bookers.” He gestures toward the counter. “You have Evelyn, Isabel, Jacqueline, and last but not least, Pepper.” Her desk is on the end. She leans over to shake our hands, a phone to her ear, pen in her mouth. “Bonjour, ladies,” she purrs in a husky exaggerated accent.

  Gerald continues, “Your mailboxes are there, and just past is the men’s agency, Francois Lano. Pepper will give you your list of go-sees. Any questions, speak to her. I’ll see you later.” He kisses our cheeks and returns to his station.

  Pepper lowers her eyelids halfway. “Give me your books, girls.” This time she’s speaking with an American southern drawl. She’s petite with brown hair, blue eyes, and an inflated-looking pug nose, which you’d think would be ugly, but somehow looks sexy. She wears an off-the-shoulder green sweater, a tight black skirt, fishnets, and heels. I love her makeup—black liquid eyeliner, matte red lips.

  She’s examining my portfolio when, to my shock, she starts pulling out all my best work. She hands me a new white Paris Planning portfolio with only four shots in the plastic sleeves.

  “How am I supposed to work with just four pictures in my book?” I ask.

  She ignores me and hands me a list of eleven go-sees, which seems like a lot for the first day. Scarlett has three. I try to hide my confusion. “Go to the bookstore and get a Plan de Paris. It’s a map that will be your bible with all the streets of Paris. If you need to use the ladies’, use the café toilets.”

  “Do we have to buy something before we use their bathroom? They won’t get mad?” I ask.