Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  I found her ability to handle my parents at their worst promising.

  “And how would you know that?” Mom growled.

  “Let’s just say you have just cause to be very proud of your son. I look forward to future practice sessions with him.”

  Any other time, I would have savored the sound of stunned silence.

  “Please kill me, Dad. If you’ve ever loved me, please kill me now,” I whispered.

  “Oh no, kiddo. I don’t think so. This is far too entertaining. It seems you’ve been busy.” Dad jabbed the healing bite with his thumb. “Were you planning on sending us a wedding invitation or introducing us to your future bride?”

  “I thought I’d give him an opportunity to date me properly first. We’re taking the backward approach. After sampling the wares, I thought a long-term investment was appropriate.” Marian chuckled, and I heard the rattle of chain. “I don’t suppose you could take these off, could you? My badge bunny hasn’t had his coffee yet, and he’s tired. I second Mr. Saven. Thank you for siring such a lovely man.”

  “I’m going to be a badge bunny until the day I die, aren’t I?”

  Marian laughed. “If you get a badge, we’ll take turns being the bunny. Until then, deal with it, badge bunny.”

  “Hey, Dad? All women are she-devils, aren’t they?” I whispered.

  “That didn’t take you long to figure out.” Dad sighed, and his weight shifted off me. A moment later, he grabbed me by the back of my shirt and hauled me to feet. “March.”

  Until I drank a lot of coffee and got more sleep, resisting Dad was impossible. He escorted me to my couch and shoved me down beside my mother. Since I’d already lost the battle and the war, I abandoned what remained of my self-respect and used Mom’s lap as a pillow. “Good night.”

  “Poor child.” Mom laughed and ruffled my hair. “I suppose I should apologize, Marian. It’s probably my father’s fault.”

  “Hey, my grandfather contributed, too.” Dad pulled his keys from his pocket and released Marian, who stayed seated but rubbed her wrists. “I take it I’ll no longer be able to get the best market price for my son. Pity.”

  I reached up, removed my fake eye, cleared my throat to catch my father’s attention, and rolled the sapphire sphere across the carpet. I pointed at it. “That’s my opinion of your current behavior.”

  “Damn it, Shane. Will you stop doing that?” Dad retrieved my eye and carried it to the kitchen. “What the hell do you use to clean this damned thing off? That’s disgusting.”

  “Water works. Stop being a baby. It’s not like it hurts if there’s dirt on it. Just put it on the counter. I’ll deal with it later. It’s just glass.”

  “But then I have to look at you with an empty eye socket, and that’s creepy.”

  “Why did you marry such a whiner, Mom?”

  “Because I needed his services to have you, dear. Then I learned there were no refunds or exchanges. He has a certain amusement value. I do find it very entertaining you’re now a badge bunny. How do you like it?”

  I sighed, wondering if there was a correct answer to her question. “I’m very tired right now. Give me coffee or give me death.”

  Mom echoed my sigh. “Dear, stop playing with his eye and make your poor child a cup of coffee before he dies.”

  “To be fair, Mrs. Gibson, he tried to make the first pot and drank three sips of hot water before figuring out he forgot to add the coffee grinds. The vampire used his weakness for seafood against him.”

  “What did they use against you?”

  “I was easy. Just look at him. If I hadn’t laid claim, someone else would have. It doesn’t hurt I also like seafood. It was eat the food or starve, and neither one of us had had anything to eat.”

  Laughing, Mom patted my shoulder. “Hear that, Shane? Finding a nice girl wasn’t nearly as hard as you thought.”

  “She bit me.”

  “You probably deserved it.”

  She was right. No matter what I said, I couldn’t win. “It was a succubus’s fault.”

  “The incubus helped, too,” Marian reminded me. “But you’re right. If that succubus hadn’t been there, I probably wouldn’t have bitten you at that moment. That, plus you deserved it.”

  Unfortunately for me, I could barely remember my own name, so the full details of the night, morning, and anything prior to passing out in bed were a bit blurred. “Yeah, I opened my mouth and said the wrong thing. I deserved a bite. Did I get sufficient payback yet?”

  Marian’s chuckle promised either retribution or something better, but I wasn’t sure which. “I’m satisfied.”

  Laughing, Mom patted my shoulder, worked her way out from under me, and smacked me with one of my throw pillows. “I’ll remember this the next time you decide to sleep in a stall with one of our animals because you’re too embarrassed to stay in the house.”

  “Some animals are—”

  “Shane,” Marian growled.

  “I’m about to get bit again, aren’t I?”

  “You’re learning.”

  “When do I get to bite back?”

  “You did last night.”

  I really wished I remembered that.

  “Shane, you didn’t!” Mom smacked me with a pillow again. “I taught you better than that.”

  “He was supposed to. It was a completely provoked biting.” Marian chuckled. “It’ll heal eventually, I’m sure. What do I have to do to embarrass your parents enough they leave, Shane?”

  “Not sure it can be done.” I waited for Mom to beat me with my pillow again, grabbed it out of her hand, and shoved it over my head. “We should go to bed. Maybe they’ll get bored and leave. Boredom sometimes makes them go away.”

  “They came all the way to Chicago. I’m not sure that’ll work.”

  “We could run away together.” I thought about it, liking the idea more and more. Quiet time in a nice hotel room sounded appealing. “I’m sure Ernesto can keep my parents busy for a few hours.”

  “We could probably reach the airport before they escaped. But that presents a problem.”

  “What?”

  “If we leave, we can’t kneecap him.”

  I had, with one visit to the brothel, created a monster. “That’s true.”

  Dad coughed to catch my attention, and when I didn’t acknowledge him, he cleared his throat several times. “I think you have some explaining to do, Shane. Get your ass off the couch, sit at the table with your woman, and have your coffee.”

  “I have a name, you know.”

  “I’m sure you do. It might even be a nice one. When I’m interested in knowing your name, I’ll ask for it.”

  I grabbed the pillow, aimed, and fired at my father. It fell short a few feet; I blamed the combination of my half-blind state and exhaustion. “Be nice to Marian. If you drive her away, so help me, I’ll shear you for your fur every day for the rest of my life.”

  Giggling, my mother clapped her hands. “Fur grows back, and if you’re going to do that, you’ll have to live nearby.”

  “After your first shift, you’ll be joining him.”

  “I just said fur grows back.”

  No matter what I did, I couldn’t win. Sighing, I rolled off the couch and dragged my ass to the table, slumping onto the second seat with a tired groan. Dad passed me a mug and headed for the couch, probably to ensure I couldn’t escape out the front door. Leveling an accusatory stare at Marian, I took my first sip.

  Coffee tasted so much better than hot water.

  “Go ahead and say it,” she invited.

  “How are you so damned awake?”

  She laughed. “I’m pretty sure it’s because I ate less of the sushi than you. If I’d known they’d spiked the sushi, I wouldn’t have kept giving it to you. I really should’ve figured it out. Logically, there’s no way either one of us should’ve been that energetic.”

  “Point,” I conceded.

  A knock at the door made me sigh. Mom and Dad seeing me so damne
d tired and rumpled was bad, but I really didn’t want to entertain any other unwelcome guests. Instead of reading my mind and ignoring the door, Mom got up and cracked it open. “Who’re you?”

  “CPD,” Michelle said. “Is Shane in?”

  “Come on in,” my mother replied. Michelle wasn’t alone, and the instant Stripes spotted my father, still in his hybrid form, he yelped and bolted.

  Marian bit her lip.

  “Oh, dear.” My mother leaned out the doorway of my apartment. “Sir? It’s okay. He doesn’t bite, nor does he have rabies. I assure you he’s mostly housebroken, too.”

  To Michelle and Stripes, Mom sounded reasonable, but I knew better. Mockery came in many forms, and I admired her subtle jabs at the cop’s cowardice. The instant my parents got home, she’d be telling the tale of the flighty CPD officer who took one look at Dad and ran away like a coward.

  “I didn’t kill anyone, if that’s what you’re wondering. You can verify my whereabouts with the FBI, since they were interrogating me last night.”

  Marian kicked me under the table.

  “Questioning,” I corrected. “Questioning me about the incident in Des Moines.”

  “Okay. That’s not why I’m here. The captain wanted to to check the legality of your new permit, so he asked us to swing by and get your permit number.”

  Maybe I hadn’t known Marian long, but I recognized the instant her good humor faded to something more intense and less friendly. “Do you have the search and seizure warrant for the permit number?”

  Michelle’s eyes widened. “It’s in regards to his past employment.”

  “Irrelevant. He was no longer employed by the CPD when the permit was processed, verified, and issued.”

  “Excuse me?” Michelle straightened.

  With a flick of her wrist, Marian pulled out her FBI badge and displayed it. “FBI. If your captain wants the permit number, he needs a search and seizure warrant for it, along with a valid, official accusation justifying the warrant, signed by a judge. Mr. Gibson has been fully vetted, his performance and visual acuity has been verified post-surgical procedure by an authorized firearms instructor, and his permit legalized in all fifty states. If your captain wants the permit number, he needs to either have a search and seizure warrant issued or a legal request passed through the FBI.”

  “He hadn’t touched a gun until yesterday, and we both know it,” Michelle snapped.

  “I’m an authorized firearms instructor and watched the complete demonstration. Instructors may opt for untraditional qualifications, and the course Mr. Gibson completed exceeds the basic minimum requirements for the permit. I could also request the surveillance videos from the range.”

  Mom was right. I needed to marry Marian in a hurry. Between getting me a nationwide concealed carry permit, buying me a pair of guns, and probably being a better shot than me, if other men figured out how amazing she was, I’d have no hope at all. Add in her determination and ability to go toe to toe with Michelle, and I doubted I’d ever find someone like her again.

  I kept my mouth shut, had another sip of my coffee, and watched the fireworks between the two women.

  Michelle’s cheek twitched. “I see.”

  Wiggling in her seat, Marian pulled a wallet from her pocket, retrieved a card, and offered it to Michelle. “If your captain would like to follow protocol regarding Mr. Gibson’s permit, you can contact the FBI’s firearm and permit registrar at this number. They’ll be able to give you the appropriate forms. Also, as the CPD is involved in a court case against Mr. Gibson, the judge in charge of the trial will also have to sign an approval for any warrants, as such action could be viewed as obstruction of the trial. Someone at the registrar’s office will be able to assist your captain with the legalities.”

  While Michelle took the card, she looked like she’d swallowed something sour. “I’ll make sure he’s aware of this. Thank you, Agent.”

  “You’re welcome.” Marian smiled, but I was aware of the tension in her body and her less-than-pleased tone.

  Without another word, Michelle nodded, spun on a heel, and stormed out of my apartment, closing the door behind her with so much care I almost pitied the explosion Stripes would endure soon enough. “Well, that was fun.”

  Marian picked up her cell and dialed a number. “It now becomes a great deal more fun for me and a great deal less fun for them.” Putting the phone to her ear, she waited for several moments before saying, “Agent Peterson. Transfer me to the person in charge of police investigations. I need to report an incident involving the Chicago Police Department regarding Mr. Shane Gibson’s nationwide concealed carry permit. It may be relevant to an insurance fraud case currently being handled in Chicago.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Since when had my home become a general assembly? I could understand Michelle and her partner showing up; the CPD would be actively looking for ways to sink me, but had the captain really believed sending four different pairs of officers with the same request would do any good?

  Marian looked ready to blow a gasket while Mom and Dad were enjoying the fireworks.

  The sixth time someone knocked at the door, Marian answered it, her hand on her holster. She cracked open the door, sucked in a breath, pulled out her gun, and fired so fast I reached for mine, which was locked up where it did me no good. A moment later, she opened the door, grabbed her victim by his hair, and dragged him into my apartment.

  Ernesto giggled. “She loves me almost as much as you do, dear boy.”

  I hated vampires old enough to survive exposure to sunlight, capable of visiting my apartment during daylight hours. “We’ve had five pairs of CPD officers trying to get their mitts on my concealed carry permit. Know anything about that?”

  “Trying to bust you on a fake permit. They’re idiots. Did you enjoy your evening?”

  I hated trick questions almost as much as I hated old vampires. “I drank hot water instead of coffee this morning, Ernesto.”

  “Oh! You must have had a very nice evening then. You’re welcome.”

  Digging her toe into the vampire’s ribcage, Marian leaned over, waved her gun in his face, and snarled, “Did you spike the rest of the food?”

  “Maybe with a minor amount of a completely legal stimulant to help your badge bunny get through today without being a risk to himself. Completely legal. I even have a scanner in my pocket for you to confirm it.”

  Frisking the vampire, Marian located the meter and handed it to my father. “Check the fridge while I deal with him.”

  Dad chuckled and, in what I classified as a miracle, obeyed without question.

  Amy peeked into my apartment. “It’s a real party in here.”

  Mom’s eyes widened. “Shane, there’s a succubus here.”

  “I’m aware. Her name’s Amy. Amy, this is my mother. Fluffy checking out the fridge is my father. I’m disappointed, Amy. The vampire survived the journey.”

  Laughing, Amy strolled into my apartment, stepped over her boss, and smacked him with her tail. “There were two cops staked out in front of your building. I left them playing together in their cruiser. I thought you would like to know, in case you wanted to report them unable to complete their duty. You’re always such a stickler for that sort of thing.”

  I groaned and went to look out the window. Sure enough, there was a cruiser parked across the street with a good view of my apartment building’s front door. “Please tell me it wasn’t Michelle.”

  “One day, I’m going to have to find out what happens to the gentlemen officers I do that to. Do they stay partners afterwards? You never tell me, Shane. So cruel.”

  The CPD trying to get dirt on me didn’t surprise me in the slightest. When they figured out Ernesto had paid me a personal visit, they’d take a closer look at my activities. “Did they see you or Ernesto?”

  “Of course not. I’m no amateur. I made sure their party was in full swing; their windows were nice and steamy before I brought him in. I started a few
extra parties around your block and several other blocks nearby. Actually, we spent the past two hours starting all sorts of parties for everyone to enjoy. It was fun. I enjoyed it very much. In our personal investigation of your neighbors, we’ve uncovered this cute little couple on the first floor who wants a child. They’ll be very successful today. I thought you’d appreciate me keeping your neighbors happy. The poor girl was rather barren. I fixed the problem for her tonight. I hope she’ll forgive me, as I expect her incoming triplets will cure her any desire for additional children, but should she want a few extra, let me know. It’s always nice when I can play doctor without the real doctors getting pissy at me for taking their cut of the financial pie.”

  Amy on the prowl meant a lot of trouble, and I tried to imagine how much trouble she could start given two hours and free rein. “How many blocks did you visit in the past few hours, Amy?”

  “A few. My sisters helped. There were several patrols on other nearby streets. They’re busy, too.”

  “Dear lord.” I shook my head and stretched out across my kitchen table, waggling my fingers in Ernesto’s direction. “Ernesto gave you all pixie dust, didn’t he?”

  “Maybe a little.”

  “And there goes loophole number one. And how did Ernesto give it to you so he can’t be held accountable this time?”

  “Tainted sugar packets. In a tragic mishap, a local warehouse mixed unmarked packets of sugar and sweetened pixie dust, thus resulting in a widespread accidental distribution of tainted sugar. To make sure it was a city-wide event, these sugar packets have been distributed to many of the city’s restaurant supply chains. C grade pixie dust, so it isn’t classified as a health risk, but it has resulted in us demons spreading the joy a little more than usual. The culprit was an overturned container during shipment. So tragic, right?”