Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  Marian leaned towards me. “Is it just me, or are we majorly outclassed here?”

  “Glad I’m not the only one to have noticed that. Between the two of us, we have thirteen bullets, two guns, and a pair of daggers. I’m pretty sure we’re spectators.”

  Bai Bao Chen turned her head to me and showed her teeth. While I was fairly certain she smiled, I got the feeling she was hungry and thought I looked tasty. Her attention turned to Marian. “My mate will carry you. He is Fang Jiahao Yi, the keeper of justice in our herd, the guardian of our virtues, and the heart of our family.”

  The largest of the kirin, blood red with fire blazing from his eyes, split off from the herd. The prongs of his antlers curved, sharpened to razor edges. Unlike the others, no crystals decorated his beard. Instead, they sprouted from his scales, as though he slowly transformed from flesh to gem.

  Marian mimicked me, bowing with her hands clapped in front of her. “I’m honored, Fang Jiahao Yi.”

  “As am I. You may be small, but in you, I see a warrior’s heart.”

  Bai Bao Chen snorted. “It is decided. We ride together. Abil Ili has named our prey and has made his face and his sins known to us. His final breath belongs to the werewolves, whom were slighted first. We may feast after they have enacted their justice with their claws. We are to leave no trace of our passage, so hunt well, hunt clever, and hunt beyond the eye of mortal man, for they are not ready to accept the truth of us.”

  I agreed with that readily enough; I sure as hell wasn’t ready to accept any of the insanity around me, although I had no choice in the matter. The kirin all reared, lifting their heads to the crystals overhead, their hooves tucked to their chests. Silence fell, and in the still quiet, I thought they prayed, although I didn’t know to whom or for what.

  As one, their front hooves clicked on the crystal floor, and Bai Bao Chen turned to me. “There is one last matter we must attend to.”

  I frowned. “What is it?”

  “Your eye. Abil Ili, do not forget your manners. My rider’s eye. Return it to him. It does him no good in your hands. Really, making us look at that empty socket. Do not strip him of his dignity.”

  Somewhere in the crowd of Babylonians, I heard Abil Ili laugh. “Yes, I have his eye. I was merely examining it for a while.”

  “And you could not do this when it was in his head where it belongs?” The kirin flattened her ears. “He has lost his center without it.”

  Truer words had not been spoken, although I tried my best not to let it bother me. “It’s all right, Bai Bao Chen. It’s not like I don’t take it out and roll it around to express my disgust at times. It doesn’t bother me he has it.”

  “No, it just bothers you what is rightfully yours was taken from you due to greed. I see your heart, Shane, as well as its shadows. The wound has scarred, but it has not healed.”

  Not only did I need to stop hanging out with beings who thought of me as food, I really needed to stop hanging out with people who saw through my bullshit and called me out on it. “Guilty as charged.”

  “The name of your heart is Cheng, for it is an honest one. The name of your spirit is Shui, for you flow like water. In the way of our herd, you are Shane Shui Cheng, for you are as true and honest as the water’s flow.” Bai Bao Chen lifted her head and stared down at me, a challenge in her bright eyes.

  Names seemed important to the kirin, so I accepted what I couldn’t change with a bow.

  “The matter of his eye, Abil Ili. My dignity demands my rider have two eyes, not one. Fix this travesty immediately.”

  Abil Ili approached, and like the others of his hive, he wore swords over his talons, forcing him to adopt an odd, swaying stride so he would not slice through the crystal floors. He stretched out an arm to me, and adhered to one of the suckers was a rich blue sphere.

  It wasn’t my eye; mine was a darker shade, while the one Abil Ili held was the vivid blue of the purest flame.

  “In my rage over that distasteful bauble, I broke yours. Thus, it was my duty to replace it. Its size should match, for I was very careful with its measurements before my fit of rage overcame me.”

  I translated that to mean the Babylonian had very deliberately broken my glass eye so I couldn’t refuse the new one. “My thanks, Abil Ili. The old one was fragile and easily broken.”

  “So eloquent,” Bai Bao Chen cooed.

  The stone fell onto my hand, and its warmth surprised me. Marian leaned over, and her eyes widened. “What type of stone is this? The color’s beautiful.”

  “Topaz, its color pure and untouched as the day it was pulled from the Earth. A rare stone for a rarer man. May its light shine for you in dark places. Although it will never allow you to see as you once did, it may share other secrets with you in time. When you slept, we strengthened the stone so it will endure for the rest of your days, so it can become a trusted friend. Should it be taken from you, it will return on its own, for you belong to it as much as it belongs to you. Please accept this as a token of our thanks for making us aware of what we should have already known. We are old, and we had forgotten our duty.”

  I didn’t understand, but I decided I didn’t need to. Thank you seemed too small, too insignificant, but I said the words anyway, although they stuck in my throat and took two tries to choke them out.

  Marian took my hand in hers and squeezed.

  Abil Ili was right; the topaz didn’t restore my sight, but it warmed me all the same. The gesture was so little yet meant so much. The Babylonians saw through me, recognized me as someone deserving better than flawed glass, valued me so few others did.

  “It is time,” he said. “Ride well, fight better.”

  Chapter Forty

  I startled Bai Bao Chen when I vaulted onto her back, settling in the saddle. Marian gaped at Fang Jiahao Yi’s back, her expression so uncertain I smiled. “Come here, Marian.”

  She did, and I surprised her, too, by hauling her up onto Bai Bao Chen’s back with me, sitting her sideways on the saddle, crammed between me and the horn. “Fang Jiahao Yi?”

  The kirin gave a throaty laugh and trotted to Bai Bao Chen’s side. “A good show of skill and strength, human. You will teach her how to mount, yes?”

  “On a fence to start so your patience is not sorely tested,” I agreed, securing my hold on Marian’s waist. “All right. Don’t worry about being graceful, just get on his back. I’ll teach you as we go.”

  With a little help from Fang Jiahao Yi, I managed to get her leg over the kirin’s broad back and place her pretty ass in the saddle. Without reins offering the illusion of security and balance, Marian clutched the horn and tufts of his mane. “If I slow us down, buck me off. You can probably do it walking.”

  I chuckled, reaching over and patting her leg. “You’ll be fine. The horn is there for you to hold onto. Just clamp your legs to his sides. You’re not going to hurt him. Riding’s easier with reins, but his mane and the horn will help you balance. I’ll admit balancing is a lot easier with stirrups, but we’ll make do.”

  “We did not think of stirrups for the humans and vampires,” Bai Bao Chen admitted. “We are accustomed to the Babylonians, who have no use for them, as they prefer to make use of all their weapons. We will go as slowly as we can. Should we need speed as a group, I will trust you with my rider, Yi.”

  “I will flow like water over the sand for her, no fear. Your rider will best serve as a watchful guard. Should she need help, I will recruit one of the vampires. They are sturdier.”

  “They’re harder to kill than I am,” I conceded. “I have a knife and six bullets. I’m not sure how much use I’ll be once I’m out of rounds.”

  Marian snorted. “Says the man who knocked out a werewolf with two punches.”

  “Caught him by surprise. It usually takes a lot more than that.”

  “You still knocked out a werewolf with two punches. Once you had him down, you chained him to a tractor, dragged him off, and shaved off his fur.” Marian grinned at me. “If
you run out of bullets, just punch them in the head until they stop moving.”

  I scowled at Marian, who smirked unrepentantly.

  One by one, the Babylonians and their kirin faded from view, although I could hear the chime of hooves on crystal. Ernesto watched for a few moments before turning to me. “Your new eye’s pretty.”

  I faked a swoon and fluttered my hand near my face. “You’re such a flirt.”

  Marian wrinkled her nose. “Ew.”

  Laughing, I flipped her a salute. “When else has he said nice things to me?”

  “Every time you kneecap him, Shane.”

  “True.” I grinned at Ernesto. “Stop flirting with me. Marian doesn’t like it.”

  “I’m beginning to think your parents are right. You truly are an awful child. You were put on this Earth to punish us, weren’t you?”

  “He can punish me anytime he wants,” Marian chirped.

  Could I get away with stealing her, finding somewhere nice and private, and skipping the battle altogether? I could think of a lot of things I’d love to do with her. I pointed at her and smiled. “I’ll remember that.”

  “I think he’s almost as enthusiastic as you,” Bai Bao Chen said, sidestepping and bumping her hindquarters against Fang Jaihao Yi’s. “New love. It’s a precious thing, isn’t it?”

  “As long as they engage in their new love somewhere other than on my back,” the kirin stallion replied.

  Now that was a thought. I’d never considered trying anything like that on horseback. Could it be done?

  “I don’t like that look, Shane. Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is no.”

  Bai Bao Chen laughed. “We will wait a few minutes for the others to exit the caverns, then we will follow. Since you lack the ability to camouflage yourselves, we will use our magic. It is part illusion, part misdirection. They will mistake us for horses, because they don’t believe creatures like us exist. The more imaginative ones will see us for what we are, but even if they told the tale, who would believe them?”

  Not many, and I nodded my agreement with her wisdom. “Do we know where O’Conners is?”

  Ernesto growled. “Not far from the scene of the crime. He watches, hoping one of you will show up. He missed Marian coming down the spillway, which was luck more than anything else, but I’ve seen him several times since the attack. I worry he’ll try for Pierina next.”

  “That would be the last thing he did in this life,” I muttered. “She’s almost as dangerous as you are.”

  “You flatter me, dear boy. She eclipses me daily. Daughters are amazing creatures, and she’s more amazing than most.”

  “And my parents?”

  “Waiting for O’Conners to be lured out. We’ll strike in front of my daughter’s restaurant. Quinton, you and I shall flush him out, and once we have him, we’ll tear him apart. Don’t toy with him. Make him dead. We’ll get our satisfaction mutilating the body. Corpses can’t hurt us. Since he’s likely bound to Ricci, we’ll want to make certain he can’t be raised. I wouldn’t want him to become one of us.”

  I agreed. “Violent in life, violent in unlife?”

  “There’s no knowing what he’d become, but there’s no doubting who his master would be—Ricci. If Ricci has drunk from O’Conners many times, we may hurt him when we make our move.” Ernesto’s tone and grim smile told me that was exactly what the vampire hoped for. “I don’t know which one of you O’Conners will go after first. He may try to take Marian and leave you for another day, dear boy.”

  “Over my dead body.”

  “That’s what he wants, so let’s avoid that.”

  Scowling because he was right, I reined in my fraying temper. “Okay. So what do you want me to do if he tries to take Marian?”

  “Shoot him, of course. In the head. Multiple times. Splatter his brains all over the sidewalk. The kirin don’t care if their food touches the floor, so don’t be shy. Make a mess.”

  “Mhmm,” Bai Bao Chen agreed. “Brains. I like them scrambled.”

  Riding a kirin turned out more pleasant than I expected. Bai Bao Chen’s stride rolled, and made keeping my seat easy, allowing me to instruct Marian on how to ride without worrying she’d fall from Fang Jaihao Yi’s back. We reached the spillway in thirty minutes, but instead of the impenetrable darkness I expected, I was able to see the outline of the stones and the concrete, although I couldn’t make out any details.

  From what I could tell, the spillway, rather than being simply a slope for water or a slide for unfortunate sentients swept beyond the grate, truly was a mad scientist’s architectural nightmare consisting of bumps, curves, twists, and in several spots, a loop-de-loop.

  I thanked my lucky stars I had missed the loop-de-loops my first trip down the demented slide; it’d been bad enough with Quinton.

  Marian made a distressed sound, and with a gentle pressure of my leg, Bai Bao Chen stepped closer to her stallion, allowing me to reach over and take her hand. “It’s all right.”

  “It’s so dark,” she whispered.

  I frowned at the fear in her voice and the tightness of her grip. “It won’t be too hard to get to the top, not with the kirin helping, for which I’m truly grateful.”

  “He climbed the steps to the top as an otter.” I was aware of Ernesto holding his hands apart in a rough estimation of an otter’s size. “He’s about this long when he shifts and cute as a button.”

  “A long walk indeed,” Fang Jaihao Yi said. “I will not let you fall, Marian. The darkness only lasts until the top.”

  “And it’s entirely possible we’ll walk straight into a fight, especially if O’Conners got within range of your parents’ teeth. They aren’t going to for us if they get a chance to tear into the man who tried to kill their pup—twice, if our speculations are correct.” Ernesto chuckled. “This doesn’t bother me, as I’d rather have two happy lycanthropes than two grumpy ones robbed of the chance to rip their son’s assailant to bits. I’ll be satisfied with Ricci. He’s decent prey.”

  “Should we emerge at a canter?” Bai Bao Chen asked. “I do not mind. A nice challenge, taking the steps at a canter.”

  Fang Jaihao Yi whinnied. “If we do that, I will take up the rear and come at a respectable, safe walk, as I do not think my rider would appreciate a trip down the spillway, however fun.”

  Marian tightened her grip on my hand. “Pass.”

  The kirin laughed while I gave Marian’s hand a final squeeze and freed myself so I could pull out my Ruger. “With your wrist in a brace, you’re better off guarding our backs. How’s your aim with your good hand?”

  “I’m good. I put in my hours on both, and I’m double qualified. I can guard the rear.”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve brought a knife to a gun fight,” I admitted, a little happier than I should’ve been at the idea of taking a knife to a gun fight. Six bullets wouldn’t last long, and I regretted not having extra ammunition with me. I couldn’t remember why I was one bullet short, which bothered me. We both should’ve had a full set of seven.

  I hoped the extra bullet helped Marian.

  “Have you ever taken a knife to a gun fight?”

  “Yeah, every time Dad took me to the range. We played a game. He’d shoot me with blanks, I’d chase him around with a knife. Dad usually won.”

  “Usually? Not always?”

  “His blanks hurt; not quite empty shells, not rubber, either. Don’t know where he got them, but they were probably magic of some sort. Think of them as paintball rounds from a handgun. Well, I can’t dodge a bullet, but it’s possible to make Dad aim where I’m not. The times I got him before he got me, that’s how I did it. I think after this is over, I’ll have to go for a few rounds at the range to get back in shape.”

  Marian laughed. “I’d like to try that.”

  “I’ll make you use a practice blade, because I’d like my father to survive to tell the tale.”

  “Flirt.”

  I smiled. “So, if you can get
me close, Bai Bao Chen, I can take care of myself if I run out of ammo.”

  “While on my back?”

  “You could buck me in the right direction, I suppose. I am happy with either. Dad’s horses are old and tired, but when they could still be ridden, he liked to play another game with me.”

  Ernesto snickered. “I can imagine the games a werewolf would play. Toss the puppy?”

  “Toss the puppy,” I confirmed. “I’d ride one of the horses. He’d chase us in his hybrid form. Skunk loved it. He was still a stallion then. Since there were no stallions for him to fight, he’d fight with Dad. So I’d ride the horse, Dad would chase the horse, and if I didn’t ride just like Dad wanted, he’d either toss me off or the horse would buck me off.”

  Bai Bao Chen pranced beneath me and snorted, tossing her head high. “I may have finally found a rider worth his weight.”

  “Please forgive my mare. She gets quite excitable at times, and there is a limited number of humans she actually likes and doesn’t want to eat.”

  When would I learn to keep company with beings who didn’t view me as food? Probably never. Oh well. I’d survive—maybe. “What’s your range at a canter?”

  “We could start our run now. That would give us time to clear any unwanted company before Fang Jaihao Yi catches up. The barrier and water should mask our hoofbeats. I am the fleetest, so we shall draw fire, Shane Shui Cheng. Do not get shot. I would rather not drink your blood this day.”

  “I don’t want to be shot, either. I’ve already been shot, at ground zero of a detonation, and bitten by two vampires. I’ve reached my quota for injuries for at least a year.”

  “Ernesto, take the other side of the canal. Quinton, guard my rider’s back. Marian, when you and Fang Jaihao Yi catch up with us, you will be the lookout. Your eyes to the sky. You never know what might come from above, especially since the shedu can fly. They are not the most fearsome of allies the Babylonians have, nor are we, and the shedu do not care for what happens to those who get in their way.”

  Chapter Forty-One