She was barely able to breath after that long speech. “That’s great for you,” I said, somewhat unconvinced. I mean, I was happy for her, but I was worried about the whole Chris situation. Was he really into her? Farah was a really nice girl, and Chris…well, unlike Nathan, he wasn’t a loner. Actually he seemed like the kind of boy who used girls for fun and then threw them away. But I didn’t want to burst her bubble. She seemed genuinely happy.
“It is!” She chirped blissfully, hitching her glasses up her nose. “I’ll see you at lunch!” She waved at me before heading to her class.
Since I had calculus, I thought to ask Nathan about Chris. They were friends, and he ought to know something about the guy. I only needed to know if Chris was being serious with Farah or not. A small smile played on my lips. It was sort of weird that I was now friends with him.
I wondered if Nathan would talk about Farah with Chris, given that he didn’t remember her name. I scrunched up my nose as I thought about it. The bell was about to ring, so I walked into class and sat in my usual seat. I immediately turned to look at Nathan since he’d arrived earlier.
“Hi.”
His gray eyes watched me, looking entertained, and a lopsided smile drew across his lips. “How can I help you?” Concern flashed through his eyes, but his smile didn’t falter. I knew he’d noticed how tired and puffy my eyes were.
Averting my eyes, I asked, “Why are you assuming I need anything from you?”
“Considering this is actually the first time you greeted me, I’d say you want something,” he stated, amused. A small pang of guilt played in my chest, but I ignored it, seeing as he was finding this whole thing quite amusing.
“First and last, Rivers.” I rolled my eyes as he chuckled. My lips twitched as I tried not to smile.
“Don’t be like that, Taylor.” I glanced at him as he raised one eyebrow, and I noticed his pupils were dilated. That and the blue t-shirt he was wearing brought out the color of his eyes. In short, he looked kind of good. Okay. He did look good. No point denying it. Whatever.
I noticed Chris sitting behind him a few rows back. Without another word, I got up and walked to him. As I stood in front of Chris, I realized how stupid my going over there was, because having this conversation with him would pretty much be like saying, “My friend likes you. A lot.” I bit my lip and took a deep breath as Chris stared expectantly at me.
“Hi?” I said. He nodded. Great. “I’m Cassandra, you know, Farah’s friend, and I just, I wanted to tell you that she’s an amazingly nice girl and that you probably should take care of her?” God. It sounded so much more confident and kind of threatening in my head.
Chris suppressed a smile. “Or you’re going to beat the crap out of me?” he quipped.
I played with the button of my gray sweater as I scrunched my nose. “I really don’t think I could, Chris. But I do pack a mean punch.”
He cracked up at that. “Oh well, I wouldn’t want to be your punching bag, then.” He stared behind me as he added, “Or his.” I turned around, and Nathan was watching us with a big-ass smirk on his face. I rolled my eyes once again as I turned back to Chris and shrugged.
“She’s just really nice, you know?” And I don’t think I could be there for her if your break her heart, seeing that I’m such a mess myself.
“I know,” Chris answered sincerely. “I do like her,” he added in a half whisper. “She’s different.” His lips tugged up slightly. “She’s too damn stubborn and brave at the same time.” He eyed me warily as if he’d said too much. Clearing his throat, he straightened up in his seat. “But you know, I have a reputation to take care of.” His eyes were set on the front of the class as he lifted his shoulders in a noncommittal way.
I rolled my eyes at that, a small smile playing on my face. He likes her all right. “Just take care of her,” I murmured, not wanting him to hear me, before returning to my seat.
Despite what I’d thought at first, Chris was okay. He seemed nice, and he was obviously head over heels for Farah. I was glad for her; she deserved to be happy. Plus, he was pretty much Nathan’s only friend. That had to mean something. The more time I spent with Nathan, the more I trusted him.
Awkwardness seeped through me as that particular thought crossed my mind.
The teacher came in, so I waved at Chris, who bobbed his head as I warily sat down in my seat, completely aware of Nathan’s eyes following my every move.
How can I feel so comfortable with him one minute and so stiff the next?
Besides, I sort of checked him out earlier on. And that was bad. I couldn’t really pay attention in class thinking about it.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Well, not quite, since the homework was starting to pile up. The teachers were determined to make us work harder since we were now seniors. Add the fact I skipped Friday and had a lot of work to make up. I didn’t mind, though. What else was I going to do, anyway?
At lunch period, I met Farah at our special spot. We’d found it a few weeks ago. It was a large oak tree that offered us natural shade and was far from the cafeteria’s doors. That was a plus. We’d met there for the last week or so.
However, today she wasn’t alone. Chris, Nathan, and some other guy were there too. My steps faltered as I walked nearer, but I couldn’t turn back since they had already spotted me.
“Come on, Cass!” Farah gestured at me excitedly.
“Hi.” I waved at everyone without looking at Nathan. My feelings of awkwardness had increased with every passing hour. I just couldn’t get him out of my mind. It was unnerving, to say the least.
“I’m Jay,” said the brown-haired guy next to Chris. His skin was light brown, and he had eyes as dark as bittersweet chocolate. Not surprisingly, he was as built as his friends. He was probably a fighter too.
“Cassie,” I said awkwardly as I felt Nathan gazing at me.
Why is he always looking at me? Doesn’t he have anything else to do?
I’m not interesting. At all. Plus, it’s just weird.
Trying to ignore him, I took out my lunch, a yogurt, and a ham-and-cheese bagel sandwich. I was kind of hungry since I had skipped dinner and breakfast. I started eating as I felt him sit beside me. “How was your weekend?” Nathan asked in a low voice, leaning closer to me.
It was unnerving how my heart started to race at his proximity. Yet it felt nice to be able to talk to someone. Especially him. We seemed to have a lot in common, which made it hard to ignore him. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my erratic heartbeat while willing my cheeks not to flush from how close he was. My hand holding my half-bagel was frozen in midair as I glanced at him. “Crappy. Yours?”
A soft smile crossed his face. “Same.”
A warm, awkward feeling ran through me. “How many noses did you break over the course of those two days?”
His lips tugged up into that crooked smile that made my heart skip a beat. “Two or three.” He shrugged. “Not too many.”
I smiled at that. My eyes traveled to Chris and Farah, who were teasing each other and laughing. Jay was playing a game on his phone, not paying attention to their bickering.
“Want to talk about it?” Nathan whispered by my left ear. Looking down, I shook my head. “No.” Flashes of Marie and Dad played in my mind as I nibbled on the bagel.
“That bad, huh?” He bobbed his head as his hand played with the grass at our feet.
Not really hungry anymore, I packed away the rest of the bagel and found myself watching his fingers moving through the grass. Nathan didn’t say anything else. He just sat by my side in comfortable silence. That was one of the things I liked about him. His sole presence made me feel warm. But that was also one of the things that made me feel uncomfortable.
Yes. It was confusing as hell.
“So why aren’t you punching someone right now?” I asked casually as my eyes followed his hands.
“Maybe my interests are changing?”
I swallowed hard as I met his sm
oldering stare. The air felt heavy for a moment. My heart was thumping rapidly inside my rib cage. Suddenly, Chris pushed me into Nathan by accident as he tried to squirm away from Farah tickling him. Nathan’s strong arms encased me for a moment before he shoved Chris away and told him to be careful.
I tried to ignore the tingling sensation his hands had left on my arms, but it was as if a bolt of electricity had run through me.
The feeling was imprinted in my mind by the end of the day. Even when I stayed in the library to work on my homework after school. I tried to ignore those tingles and the butterflies in my stomach when he turned those gray eyes on me, but I couldn’t concentrate. I stared at the written pages, my mind blank.
Nathan Rivers was making me feel things. Things that maybe I wasn’t ready for. Or deserved.
Chapter Seven
The semi-darkness of the room combined with the smell of incense was starting to feel familiar. Absentmindedly, I traced my finger along the carved elephant as Amanda finished a phone call. My eyes roamed all over her office, from the statue to the window that overlooked the park where I first talked to Nathan.
My stomach churned uneasily at the mere thought of him. Boy, I’m screwed up.
However, the spicy scent, the warmth of the room, and the teapot steaming on the hot plate on the table on the corner gave it all a sort of homey feeling. It felt more like visiting a friend than actual therapy. It was a nice change.
Amanda finished her call and placed a small plate filled with buttery treats in the middle of the table. “I hope you like green tea.” She smiled while she poured the tea into a bright yellow mug. Her smile didn’t falter as she added nonchalantly. “Your father called me.”
My heart felt heavy at her words. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.
Ignoring my awkwardness, she eyed me softly. “He seemed concerned.”
Could he think I might want to hurt myself again?
Guilt and shame washed over me. Of course he did. I had done it once, and I could very well do it again, right?
Sighing, I followed her every move as she poured herself some tea. “I’m fine.” I hated how worried he always seemed to be over me. And I knew I had no one to blame but myself about it.
“Are you?” She placed the mug in front of me as she raised an eyebrow.
My shoulders slumped as my eyes followed the delicate pattern the steam was drawing over the mug. My brows creased as I murmured, “He’s dating Marie.” Amanda took a sip of her tea as I gazed at her. She wasn’t surprised or alarmed as I expected her to be. Her eyes were steady as she stared back at me. “But you already knew that, right?”
Her lips set in a straight line. “Yes. Your father called me last week. He was worried about your reaction and wanted to let me know in advance.” How thoughtful of him, I sourly thought.
She grabbed the plate of cookies and took one before placing it closer to me on the table. “Want to talk about it?” she asked before bringing the small cookie to her mouth.
No.
My eyes turned to the large window once again. Resentment boiled inside me. It felt like Dad was being reckless, like he was replacing Mom. It angered me to see him with another woman so soon. And her best friend, no less.
Of course my reaction concerned him. I was shocked and completely outraged at the whole situation. It felt unfair that I was sitting in the therapist’s office when it was clear he needed therapy as well.
Silence reigned over the room as I glared outside. My eyes turned to the clock next to the incense, and I grimaced as less than fifteen minutes had passed. Time seemed to be too slow. The annoyance I felt over the whole situation started to dissipate as my right hand touched my scar.
Had I been so absorbed in my pain that I never saw this coming? Was I being selfish? Did I have any right to be angry at him?
After all, I’d been in my own little world, and it never occurred to me once that anything like this could ever happen. But that was it. I was always concerned about myself.
I gnawed on my lip. The minutes passed as Amanda patiently waited for me to say something while she drank her tea.
Feeling guilty about it all, I took a deep breath while my hand kept tracing the scar. The sight of Dad’s sad eyes encased in dark gray circles as he visited me in the hospital played through my mind. Part of his anguish and sorrow had been my doing. Maybe Marie had helped him cope through it all. She was a good woman. Her only fault was that she was taking Mom’s place. And that hurt beyond anything.
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I swallowed hard. “I’m angry and disappointed—” I cast my eyes down to my fidgeting hands, “—and I feel worse because I know I don’t have the right to feel that way.”
Amanda blew across her tea before taking a sip. “Talk to me, Cassie. Let it all out.”
A shaky breath left my lips. “It’s not that I don’t like her. Marie is okay, I guess. I just don’t like how my dad is cutting flowers, Mom’s flowers, for her.” My voice was soft as I glanced at Amanda for a moment. “Or her food. I don’t like it. It’s different.”
Even though the words were coming out of my mouth, I couldn’t help but notice how childish I sounded.
Setting my lips in a straight line, I clenched my hands in tight fists. “I know I’m being selfish.” My brows were furrowed as I gazed at the window once again. “But it’s just that Mom isn’t here.” My voice cracked as the last words left my mouth.
I breathed out and rubbed the tears away with the back of my palm. “It’s like we’re replacing her. And I don’t want to do that.” I closed my eyes for a moment. “Not now, not ever. I can’t let her go. I want to hug her and I want to kiss her cheek, and I want to hear her laugh. Even her absolutely horrid sneeze.” I snorted at that as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I want her back.” My chest tightened as all the pain and sorrow from the night she passed away crashed down on me once again. “I can’t replace her. I need her. I need her back.” I choked on a sob as I finished talking. “I miss Mom,” I whispered as the tears rolled down. “I miss her so fucking much.”
Amanda stood up and walked to me, a tissue box in her hands. She gave one to me. Her eyes were sad and somewhat understanding. “I know it hurts, Cassie. But this—” she rubbed the back of her hand on my right cheek, “—this is what you need to do. You need to say it all, and you need to cry and mourn. Don’t keep it to yourself.”
“I hate crying,” I said between sobs.
“Me too. But it’s part of who I am, and I have to accept it,” she added softly while sitting next to me.
This sucks. This seriously sucks.
“Shouldn’t I feel better by now? Why do I cry so much? It’s been a while, and I still do it all the freaking time.”
Amanda grabbed my hand and looked straight at me. “You miss your Mom, Cass. That’s a huge deal. You’re going to cry the rest of your life for her; there are times where you’ll remember her and smile at the happy memories, but there are going to be times you’re going to miss her so much that you’re going to find yourself crying over her. Even years after. Something can trigger a memory of her for no discernable reason.” She handed me my mug.
Complying, I took a small sip as she eyed me softly. “The thing is, the more you love someone, the more you hurt when they’re gone. And that’s great. That means you loved her, and that you still do. That even though she’s not physically with you, she was so important that her loss is causing chaos inside you. That she left with a piece of you and you feel empty.” Her hazel eyes looked sad as she added, “That’s the way people should love all the time. With all their heart.”
Sniffing, I averted my teary eyes. “It hurts so bad.”
“So it should.” She patted my leg with empathy. “The deeper the scar, the greater the love.” I knew very well that she was talking about a scar within me, because that’s exactly what I felt was missing, a part of my soul. However, I couldn’t help but look at both my wrists for a moment, at the dark slashes on both of t
hem.
“Wear those scars proudly,” Amanda added as she glanced at them too. “Because they mean you’re fighting, that you’re not giving up, and even though you may feel distraught most of the time, you’re making an effort. You’re here, talking to me, reaching out.” Her eyes were sincere as she looked me straight in my eyes. “You’re a fighter.” I bit my lip as she added, “And you’re right, Cass, nobody will ever replace her.” Despair swept through me as I swallowed the lump in my throat. Softly, she asked, “Have you talked to your father about how you feel?”
I shook my head. “We don’t talk about Mom. Ever.” I really hadn’t noticed that until now. We talked about ourselves and everyday things, but we never mentioned Mom. Whether it was too hard or too sad, I didn’t know.
Disappointment flashed through her face. “You have to. You two are dealing with pain, and you’re both trying to work things out by yourselves, but you have to team up, work together.”
Peeved, I bit my lip before adding, “I’m so mad at him, and that makes me feel so guilty at the same time.” I rolled my eyes.
Amanda’s lips formed a sad smile. “Why do you think he’s dating Marie?”
Just hearing those words made my stomach clench. “Mom talked to us about it. She said she didn’t want him to end up alone, that he had to move on and such.”
Bullshit, if you ask me.
“You still disapprove, right?”
My head was hanging low as I nodded. “I shouldn’t have a say in it, though.”
She took a deep breath. “Think about it, Cassie. Why is your father doing this? Just because your mom told him to? Or could there be another reason?” I let her words sink in for a moment.
My stomach churned uneasily as I remembered him crying when he told me Mom had passed away. I remembered him grabbing her cold hand and kissing her on the forehead as her body lay on her bed minutes later after she died.
Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) Page 8