I teared up as I remembered his sad, glazed eyes when we returned from Mom’s funeral. The despair and the pain in them as we walked inside the house knowing she wasn’t there anymore.
I hadn’t seen him cry since then. Nonetheless, I hadn’t been there, either. Marie probably had.
She was a good person. She just isn’t Mom.
“I’m trying to understand him. I’m just being selfish, I know.”
Amanda squeezed my hand. “Everyone is selfish. It’s human nature. Don’t feel bad about it. You’re hurting because you’re still processing your mom’s death. On the other hand, you feel like your dad is just replacing her.” Her eyes were soft and understanding as she added, “But he isn’t.” My heart felt tight at her words. “No one will replace her, Cassie. No one.”
Frowning, I whispered, “So, why is he doing this?”
She pulled her hand away and stood up, then sat on her couch. “What if he feels so sad that he might need someone to help him go on? Someone close to your mom? Someone that is hurting as much as him? Someone that misses her too?”
My right hand traced the scar on my other wrist as I thought about it. Marie had always been Mom’s best friend. They were as close as sisters. They had grown up together, and they had supported each other throughout their lives.
Marie was hurting from Mom’s death as much as Dad. They had her in common.
As that thought popped into my head, I couldn’t help but think about Nathan too. How I felt drawn to him because he seemed to understand me. He didn’t judge me; he didn’t pity me. He was there for me, but at the same time, he let me be.
I looked up at Amanda. “What if he’s just trying to survive?” I stuttered. She smiled reassuringly while I stood up and slowly started to pace the room as I added, “They have Mom in common. And probably me too. Marie found me the night I—” I cringed while raising my wrist for a second, “—and she probably helped Dad while I was away.”
“I think so too. He’s with someone who understands his pain since she’s aching too.”
A shaky breath left my lips as I stared at my shoes. “She’s still not my mom.”
“No. She isn’t.” My eyes cut to her as she took her mug in her hands once again. “But she can be your friend if you let her.”
What if I don’t? What if I feel like this is still too soon?
What if I’m just a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about anyone but herself?
As if she sensed my thoughts, her lips set in a straight line. “You are still processing your mother’s death, Cassie. Give it time.” Silence reigned over me. “Try not to be so harsh with yourself.”
I didn’t know if I was being harsh or not. I just knew it hurt. So fucking much.
My heart was heavy as I fidgeted with my fingers. “You know? The last time I talked to Mom, I was getting ready to go to a party. I remember her sitting on my bed as I tried to choose whatever I was going to wear, and she asked me how I was feeling, what was new in my life and I—” I swallowed hard, “—I blew her off because it was getting late and Tom was picking me up. I remember telling her that, thinking I would talk to her the next day.” Tears pooled in my eyes once again. “She smiled and simply told me that she loved me.” My voice broke at the end. I gazed outside as I sat defeated on the sofa. “What if she knew she wasn’t going to make it through another day? And I just blew her off?” I would never get to talk to her again. Ever.
“She knows you love her.”
Does she?
The only comfort I had was when I dreamed of her; the warm feeling she gave off and the way she looked younger and happier. I told Amanda about my dreams, explaining every detail about them. Just as I finished retelling the dreams, I added, “But at the end, it’s not real. It’s just a dream.”
“Grab on to that, Cassie. She loves you, no matter what. She always will, and I’m pretty sure she knew you loved her in your own way.”
Mulling her words over, I glanced at the small digital clock on her desk. Our session had lasted more than two hours. Apologetically, I looked at her. “I’m sorry. I’m taking your whole afternoon.”
Amanda smiled softly. “No worries. I had no other appointments scheduled or I would have told you so.” She stood up and started to gather the cookie plate and napkins off the table. I helped her out by taking the empty mugs to the table next to the elephant statue. “But Cassie—” her eyes were stern as she finished putting away the cookies, “—you need to think about everything you just told me. I know it was hard, and I’m grateful you trust me. Be aware of how brave you are being right now. Be as brave with your father. He loves you, and he needs to hear what you think.”
I would have never thought of myself as brave. In fact, I would say that trying to end my life was the weakest decision I could have ever made. I wanted to stop feeling. I didn’t think I could carry on. However, for whatever reason, I was alive. It felt like I’d gotten a second chance at life.
I had to thank Marie for that too.
As I put on my jacket, Amanda grinned at me. “Unofficially, I want to thank you, because since I saw you talking to Nathan, he has started to show up to our appointments.” I blinked at her, confused. “So, thank you.”
“Huh. You’re welcome,” I stammered.
A part of me wanted to ask her more about Nathan. Even though I knew she wouldn’t say anything else. Nonetheless, as each day passed, I found Nathan Rivers even more intriguing than the day before. Especially since we seemed to have so much in common and he was completely different than who I thought he was.
“Oh, forget about it. I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” she commented nonchalantly, but the mischievous glint in her eyes said otherwise. “I’ll see you next week, okay?”
Nodding, I waved feebly before she smiled and moved toward me to place her arms around my shoulders. “You are so brave, Cassie. You are. Even if you don’t see it right now.” Tears pooled in my eyes as she pulled away. “Take care, okay?”
Swallowing hard, I bit my lip. “You can tell Dad one thing—I will never try to hurt myself again.” Mom wouldn’t want that. And I knew I had hurt my father when I did. I knew I hadn’t made things easier for him, either. Maybe I had even pushed him to be with Marie. As it was, I would never know.
I knew one thing, though. I loved my father, and even if I couldn’t understand why he’d decided to be with Marie, I would have to respect his decision.
“I will.” Amanda bobbed her head.
The walk back home was soothing in a way. The cool air nipped my cheeks as my feet moved at a steady pace. My mind swirled with thoughts I struggled to process. I had so many regrets about Mom. I felt guilty for the way I acted on the last day I saw her. For pretending to be someone I wasn’t. For not being there for her. For all the harsh things I had said over the last few years. For being so selfish. Most of all, for not appreciating her when she was still with us.
She was gone, and I missed her like crazy. In a way, Amanda was right. Mom had taken a piece of me with her when she left.
However, in the midst of it all, I could count on one boy comforting me, not really caring about what I had done. A soft smile played on my lips as I reached home. All thanks to that gray-eyed boy.
Chapter Eight
I stared at my barely touched pasta. Forcing myself to eat, I twirled some around my fork and popped it into my mouth. It was good. I should know, because I made it.
Two days had passed since I talked to Amanda. Dad had kept his distance, and so had I. Apparently, we both had a lot to think about. We were both working things out in our own ways. But one thing was true—we needed to talk.
I had lost Mom. I didn’t want to lose Dad too.
After I got home from school, I searched through the cabinets and found some pasta and tomato puree. Mom loved to cook, and sometimes I paid close attention to what she was doing.
So, as a kind of peace offering, I decided to make dinner. I cried as I chopped the onion, althoug
h I couldn’t tell if that was the onion’s fault or if I was just sad. The tomato sauce was nothing fancy, but it tasted homey. That was good enough. But I still wasn’t hungry, and my clothes were too loose.
“Have you made new friends at school?” Dad asked cautiously as he dished some salad onto his plate.
Putting my fork down on the edge of my plate, I swallowed the last bite and drank some water. After wiping my mouth with the napkin, I looked at him for the first time since we started dinner. “How long have you been dating her?” My voice was barely a whisper, and I swallowed hard because I sort of dreaded the answer. The question had been on my mind ever since he told me about Marie and him.
Dad’s blue eyes looked at me calmly. He’d been expecting this. Of course he had. We had been avoiding it, but the big, white elephant in the room was too large and too heavy now.
He took a sip of his water before answering me. “We have only been together for a few weeks. But I want you to know this is no ordinary relationship. We are together because we don’t want to be alone.” I stayed quiet as he sighed and pushed his plate away. “I never disrespected your mother, Cassandra. I was with her until her last breath.” A pang of guilt played in my chest. “And not once did I think of another woman but her.” He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, they were full of tears. “I miss her so much; but I know she needed to go; she was hurting too much.” He ran a palm across his face, completely distraught. “God, she was in so much pain for the last three years.”
My eyes were brimming with tears as I recalled her cold body lying peacefully in her bed and her pale face. She had been in pain. I didn’t know what was worse, cancer or chemotherapy. The treatment was too hard on her. Especially since they found the disease when it was already advanced.
I remembered talking to her about it a few months back. She told me she wanted to live, but her body wasn’t responding to the treatment. I remembered how her voice broke and tears rolled down her cheeks as she finished speaking. I couldn’t utter a word because I just didn’t know what to say. My heart was in my chest as I embraced her. Because I didn’t know how to make it better. It was frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. We’d had the same talk a few years ago, but this time, the sickness was too much to bear.
My stomach clenched as I rubbed my bumpy scar on my right wrist. I looked to the side as my tears started to roll down my cheeks. Dad’s chair creaked as he got up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He held me tight as I cried on his shoulder. My arms encased him.
I still didn’t know what to say to make things better. And I missed her.
I felt awful for everything that had happened. For everything I had or hadn’t done. However, there was one lesson I had learned—speak your mind. Voice your feelings. That was what I regretted the most with Mom. I’d left too many things unsaid with her.
I just couldn’t let it happen again. I needed to start to open up to the people I loved.
So, for the first time in a long time, I clasped Dad’s arms tighter and spoke the words etched in my heart. “I love you, Dad.” My voice was hoarse from crying as I added, “I’m really sorry for everything.” His back was shaking and his breathing was labored as he cried too. And knowing he was crying was heartbreaking.
We hugged each other for a moment as we both let out so many emotions. “I just don’t want to lose you.” I stared into his sad eyes. “I can’t lose another parent.”
Dad’s blue eyes were brimming with tears, and I could see the despair in them. “You won’t lose me. I’ll always be around, nagging you to no end.”
A shaky snort left my lips as I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. “Promise?”
He nodded and stared at me for a moment before adding, “I just don’t want to be alone. In a few months you will be off to college, and Marie is a good woman. She misses your mom. Just like me.” He took a seat as I bit my lip, listening intently. “We talk about her. A lot. And she doesn’t feel bad for me because she’s hurting too. She understands me.”
I knew how that felt. That was the same way I felt with Nathan.
My father’s eyes were serious as he looked at me. “As I told you, this is different. I don’t have a crush on her. I want her company.”
An uneasy feeling washed through me as I picked up the fork and played with my food. My brows were furrowed as I asked him, “Dad, is that a good reason to be with her? Is that enough to offer her? Wanting to be with someone because you don’t want to be alone doesn’t seem like a valid reason to me.”
He finished his spaghetti and cleaned his lips with a napkin. “She’s tired of being alone, Cass.” He took a deep breath before adding, “We both want the same thing. We have been friends for a long time, and I know she’s a good woman.”
I swallowed hard. “I know she is, Dad. I’m just not sure if this is fair to her.”
He shook his head as he placed his used fork on his now-empty plate. “She’s a grown woman. She knows what she’s getting into.” I still wasn’t sure about what they were doing, but he seemed determined. Plus, I knew this wasn’t my choice to make. I had to respect his decision. Even if I didn’t understand it.
With my fork, I stabbed the last piece of tomato on my plate as he added, “I need to move on.” The crease on his brow deepened. “It’s great to talk to someone without feeling judged or pitied.”
I know the feeling. I nodded as I finished my food. Warily, I asked him, “Just how serious are you?”
A strained smile played across his face, and my stomach sank. “Pretty serious. You know me, if we are going to start something, we might as well do it right.”
Oh God. Is he going to marry her?
I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. “Gosh, you just told me you’re kind of dating, and now you’re telling me you’re getting married?” I shook my head, a bit weirded out about it all.
He chuckled as he leaned back in his chair. “Well, you’re seeing an expensive therapist. I might as well take full advantage of that.” He laughed, amused at his joke.
I scoffed as I crossed my arms. I looked around, fighting the urge to roll my eyes at him. The kitchen was definitely not spotless as it had been in the months leading up to Mom’s death. There were dirty pots in the sink and a couple of used glasses on the counter. I kind of expected to have Mom barge through the door and demand to have her kitchen clean after dinner. A teary smile played in my lips as the thought touched a chord in my heart.
Gazing at Dad, I fidgeted with the hem of my sweatshirt. I sniffed before telling him exactly what was on my mind. “Half the time, I can’t believe Mom is gone. I hate to cry, and I seem to be doing that all the time.” I rolled my eyes while grimacing. “What I’m trying to say is that you’ll have to give me time to accept all of this. I’m still struggling with Mom’s death, and I’m not ready to see you dating.” I raised my palm to stop him from speaking. “But I know you’re doing what you feel is right. Just give me time to get used to the idea.” He mulled my words over, before nodding softly. “So, please don’t kiss or hug or whatever. I’m not ready for that. Not yet.”
His eyes were relieved as he smiled reassuringly. “Of course.”
“And, you know, don’t marry until I’m gone?” I added in a hopeful tone, closing one eye and cringing at the thought of the wedding.
Dad chuckled. He pressed his hands together and leaned closer to me. “Just promise me something.” I looked at him expectantly. “Don’t ever, ever, do anything to harm yourself.” I bit my lip and shook my head because I couldn’t say anything else without bursting into tears. “No matter how hard life gets, there’s always a lesson in every moment, and your life is too precious to give up.”
I swallowed hard. In a raspy voice, I mumbled softly, “I promise.”
His eyes were bright with tears as he added, “I can’t lose you, Cassie.”
My stomach plummeted to the ground. I had caused him so much pain. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I looked
down, feeling guilty for everything that had happened.
“I know you are, sweetie. I know you are.” He patted me on the shoulder before standing up and kissing me on the forehead. “Now, let’s clean this mess up, okay?” Dad seemed happier, sort of relieved; as if someone had just lifted a weight off his shoulders.
We cleaned up the kitchen. He complained endlessly about the amount of dishes I had used, but I knew he was teasing me. And it felt nice to be bickering about trivial things. Especially since we’d had such a deep heart-to-heart talk.
Later, as I lay in bed, I stared at my ceiling for a while, thinking about everything that had happened today. My father was getting married. To my mother’s best friend.
Even though I heard his reasons, I couldn’t help but feel shocked. It would take some time to get used to the idea. However, Dad was right. He couldn’t let despair drown him. And if anyone in this world deserved to be happy, it was him.
He had dedicated his life to us.
When Mom got sick, he moved heaven and earth to find a treatment for her. He helped her more than anyone else. If there was anything like heaven, I was sure she was there and she was waiting for him. He had earned it.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep. I dreamed about stew and spaghetti sauce, and through it all I could see Mom smiling at me.
Needless to say, I woke up feeing somewhat reassured. Like I always did when I saw her in any of my dreams. Grabbing my workout clothes, I changed and went out to do my morning run in time to see the sunrise over the river. The first rays of sunlight appeared in the sky, as I thought about Dad again. He needed to move on.
Could marrying someone else be the best way to do it? I didn’t know.
I just knew he was trying to keep on with his life. Trying to move on without Mom. The selfish part of me hated it all. Then again, maybe I was being too harsh on him, just like I was being hard on myself.
Nevertheless, I needed to respect his choices even if I didn’t agree with them.
I knew I could live without my mother.
Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) Page 9