I just don’t want to.
That was the hard part. I missed her like crazy, and in some way moving on seemed thoughtless and selfish. How could I forget about her? How could I stop aching for her?
It didn’t seem right.
Just as it didn’t seem right to do something I enjoyed, like drawing. It felt as if that meant I was forgetting about her, I just couldn’t do that.
Was I wrong? Probably.
Would Mom want that for me? No. Never.
She would want me to be happy however I could. I knew she would want that for Dad too.
My chest felt tight, and I had to stop running. I leaned forward, bracing my hands against my thighs, panting. A fresh set of tears appeared in my eyes.
I don’t want to lose you, Mom.
However, I knew I couldn’t keep living like this. Life like this sucked. Big time. I was tired of crying and feeling guilty and ashamed.
I was alive, but I just didn’t know how to get on with my life…
My breathing calmed down, and I walked to the river. I leaned on the metal railing. My eyes absorbed every color the sky was being painted with. My hands itched to draw it. I watched, mesmerized as the river reflected the colors in the sky.
A sense of calm washed over me as the birds chirped and the leaves on the trees danced in the wind. You always hear that life is made of moments. Up until now, I hadn’t realized what that meant. Every new day is like a blank canvas. You have endless opportunities to make the most of that day. I understood where Dad was coming from. He wanted to feel happy for the rest of his life, and in a way, I knew I needed to do the same.
It was up to me to make the most of those moments. I owed it to Mom.
I needed to do whatever felt right to me.
As I breathed out, my feet started to move on their own accord. My pace was steady while I jogged through the streets on the way back to my house. Doing the right thing meant I needed to apologize to everyone I’d hurt, and eventually, I needed to forgive myself. I wasn’t ready to do that yet, but I could start by apologizing to Anne.
In a way, I felt a ray of hope, and I knew Mom would be proud of me if I tried to be a better person.
With that in mind, as soon as I got home, I grabbed a pair of stone-washed jeans and a blue tank top. I took a quick shower and combed my hair to let it air-dry on my way to school. Since I was already running late, I grabbed a banana before kissing Dad on the cheek and saying good-bye.
Flushed from jogging to school, I found myself in the parking lot observing my classmates and kids from other years mingling and laughing. I took a deep breath. I want that. I want to laugh and talk mindlessly with other people. It had been too long since I did that. Too long wearing that stupid, fake smile on my face.
Slowly, I made my way to the main entrance. Farah was stepping out of her family’s car, a white minivan, when she spotted me and waved. I smiled back and was about to walk to her when I saw Anne walking through the parking lot alone.
With a heavy heart, I followed her with my eyes as she disappeared inside the school. Sighing, I smiled apologetically at Farah as she reached me, her ponytail swaying from sprinting through the parking lot. “I need to do something. Can I see you later?”
Her baby-blue eyes glanced at the place where Anne had just disappeared. “Sure.” She grabbed the strap of her green backpack and walked behind me. I turned back to see her smiling. Probably to Chris. Sure enough, he was there beaming back at her. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head with a small smile of my own before jogging toward the school’s front doors.
I reached Anne as she was opening her locker. Her red hair was tied up in a tight bun, and her whole stance tensed as I stood next to her. My stomach twisted uneasily. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Swallowing hard, I murmured shyly, “Hi.”
She ignored me as she continued to pull a book from her backpack. I gnawed on my lip. “Look, I just need a minute. That’s all. And I promise I won’t bother you again.” She stopped with her hand in midair. “Just one minute,” I pressed on.
Clearly peeved, she glared at me, raising an eyebrow, her lips set in a straight line. “I’m sorry,” I burst out awkwardly. “I’m sorry I ditched you.” I took a deep breath as I averted my eyes. “I’m not proud of it. I’ve regretted it for a long time. It was stupid and immature, and you didn’t deserve it.” My eyes were teary as I looked up at her. “I needed you.” I bit my lip for a moment. “I just didn’t know it at the time.” My chest was tight as I whispered again, “I was a total dick, and I’m really sorry.”
Anne’s green eyes were sad and hurt at the same time. Her lips were shut in a tight line, and she was clenching her chemistry book so hard, her knuckles were white. Our eyes locked for a moment. She hated me. I could see it in her eyes. The worst part was that I couldn’t blame her. My eyes teared up. I swallowed hard and bobbed my head before walking away.
I didn’t know if she would ever forgive me, but at least I had to apologize. It was the right thing to do, and I should have done it a long time ago.
After getting my books from my locker, I walked to my first class. Someone bumped against my arm lightly. I knew who it was without looking to the side. And just like that, a warm feeling washed over me.
“Taylor,” Nathan said in that distinctive rough tone of his.
My lips twitched as I suppressed a smile. “Rivers.”
“What’s up?” he prodded as a group of girls passed us, making us move to the side to let them through. I shrugged as they walked away. Finally, I turned to him. His dirty-blond hair was somewhat disheveled, but it looked good on him. He was gazing at me intensely, and my lips parted as I stared at those mesmerizing, gray eyes. A crookedly smile played on his lips. “Are you going to Farah’s?”
Confused at his question, I furrowed my brows as I blinked at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to remember if Farah had said something yesterday.
Nathan’s smile widened. “Probably because she’s too busy swallowing my friend’s face.” He nodded to the lockers, where Farah and Chris were, in fact, practically swallowing each other.
“Ew.” I turned away, disgusted.
Nathan chuckled. “I know, right? And you weren’t walking next to them when they started it.”
“Are you sure they’re inviting us? Maybe they just want to be alone or something.” I stared in front of me, avoiding looking back at them.
Entertained, he added, “She actually invited Jay, and you of all people know how persistent she is. Jay was trapped and couldn’t say no. So, we’re going,” he finished with a smirk.
“Have fun!” I shrugged and had started to walk away when he grabbed my arm. Tingles played where our skin touched, and my heart started to race as his eyes bored into mine.
He was wearing a dark gray Daft Punk t-shirt and faded denim jeans. “You’re coming too, Taylor. I just wanted to let you know so you can switch your loony meeting for another day.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You do realize that by calling me a—” I lowered my voice, “—loony, you’re calling yourself one too.”
His smirk widened, and he leaned closer to me. “So?” His closeness was pretty unnerving, so I pulled away, flushing.
“I don’t have to go today,” I muttered, observing everyone pass us by, a few of our peers watching us curiously. I kind of expected some kind of weird comeback, but Nathan was silent next to me. Too silent. I turned to him, and he was watching me with an unreadable expression on his face.
Scrunching my nose, I asked self-consciously, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He blinked as if he’d been in some sort of trance. He ran a hand through his hair, ignoring my question. “So, what’s the deal with the redhead?”
Huh? What’s that all about? “I have to get to class,” I said dismissively, but Nathan grabbed my arm again. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. And I kind of wanted to punch myself because I could feel the warmth in my cheeks
.
“Seriously, Cass—” his gray eyes were deep, “—are you okay?”
I gazed at him for a moment. Truthfully, I didn’t know exactly how I was feeling. Too many things were going on at the same time. And him touching me wasn’t helping my case. At all. “I’m working on it?”
Nathan’s lips tugged up on a breathtaking smile, and his voice came out a bit husky as he said, “Good.” His hand gently squeezed my arm before letting me go.
I was still looking at him when Farah passed me. She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Come on.” She tugged me toward our classroom. “You can drool over him later.” She smiled as I rolled my eyes.
The class was about to start, and everyone had taken their seats. “I wasn’t drooling,” I deadpanned as I dropped my backpack on the floor next to my chair.
“You keep telling yourself that.” Farah smirked.
“What’s the deal with you inviting everyone to your house today?” I whispered as we took our seats.
“I called you yesterday, but your phone sent me to voice mail!” she said defensively.
Mr. Rufus, our history teacher, glared at us as he’d already started the class. He was really old in that cute-grandpa kind of way. I mean, even if he was glaring at us, he didn’t look menacing. We both smiled at him, and he shook his head as he continued talking. I shushed Farah, and she shrugged innocently.
I did forget to check my phone yesterday. To be fair, I rarely paid attention to it because no one called or texted me.
“Sorry,” I whispered to her as I started to take notes.
“You’re coming, right? My mom is taking my sisters to dance class so we get the house to ourselves. I was thinking about getting pizza and playing a game or something.” I nodded dismissively as I kept scribbling in my notebook. “You’re such a nerd, Cass.” I ignored her until a pang of guilt played in my stomach. To be honest, she didn’t know much about me. I turned to her, and she smiled at me as she tapped her pencil on her paper.
It was probably time to change that.
Chapter Nine
The cold air nipped my skin as we passed through Walmart’s doors. Farah had asked me to tag along to get some food for later. We had walked there from school, and my cheeks were flushed and my throat felt dry.
“I want to make something to impress Chris,” Farah murmured to herself as we roamed through the aisles. “What’s the deal with that Marissa chick, anyway?” She looked at me.
Marissa had tripped me when we passed her table at lunch. Luckily for me, I had only bought an apple and a prepackaged sandwich, so my lunch wasn’t spoiled much. She laughed with her minions as I rolled my eyes and stood up, completely unfazed. I knew she wanted me to react somehow, but I ignored her. The whole thing backfired on her when Tom got up and helped me while telling her to leave me alone.
I smiled at Tom, who I felt was leering at me, despite trying to be helpful. Cringing inwardly, I thanked him while Farah was this close to telling Marissa off. I didn’t want to get her into trouble, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her away.
“She has issues.” I shrugged as we stopped at the flour-and-cake-mixes aisle.
“Yeah, but why is she so against you?” she said as she scanned the different brands of mixes. “I mean, I get that she’s jealous since she almost killed you when Tom helped you, but it’s not like you actually pay attention to the guy.”
A pang of guilt played in my stomach. Of course Farah was assuming this. She didn’t know the whole story.
Truthfully, a part of me was a little scared that if she knew the real me, she wouldn’t want to be friends with me. Because, let’s be honest, who’d want to be friends with someone like me?
Still, I had to come clean. Farah was an amazing girl, and she deserved honesty. Sighing, I grabbed a box of brownie mix and passed it to Farah. “I was Marissa.”
She frowned and arranged her glasses. “What do you mean?”
I studied her for a moment. She actually didn’t look surprised. “You heard about it, didn’t you?”
A sheepish smile crossed her face. Her cheeks flushed as she averted her eyes. Warily, she said, “Some stuff. Probably all lies, though.”
I bit my lip. “I’ll tell you all about it.” I glanced to my right, where an old lady was putting baking powder in her shopping cart. “But not here.”
Farah beamed before tapping the red box. “Don’t worry, we’ve got time.”
I grimaced as she walked to the cashier. I wasn’t proud of what I had done. A sigh left my lips as I caught up to her. Her brows creased as she warily eyed the box. “Don’t we need other ingredients?”
Smiling, I grabbed the box from her and turned it around, showing her the images on the back. “You just need eggs and oil. I’m assuming you have those in your house.”
She scrunched her nose. “Yes, I probably do.”
Raising an eyebrow, I asked her, “Are you sure you want to make this?”
“Yeah, guys dig girls who can bake.” She frowned once again before adding hesitantly, “Or so my mom says…”
Nudging her to keep walking, I murmured, “I’ll help you.” Farah grinned at the same time someone gently touched my shoulder.
“Cassandra?” I recognized the voice at once. It was Lucy, one of Mom’s close friends. Since Mom had such a bubbly, friendly personality, she had a lot of friends. Many came over to our house once or twice a week. Before she got really sick, anyway.
When the disease was more advanced, people stopped coming by. It was probably hard for them to see her in such a fragile state. However, it was disheartening, and even though we never talked about it, I knew it saddened Mom even more.
“Hi, Lucy,” I greeted the brunette in front of me.
She was over forty, just like Mom. Her light brown eyes were sad as she stepped closer to me for a hug. Closing my eyes for a moment, I patted her back awkwardly. But having her hold me filled me with emotion.
Her arms encircled me, and I remembered Mom’s laugh when she was surrounded by her friends. Or the sweet aroma of just-baked bread. Mom would always bake some delicious treat when friends came over.
For a moment, I wanted Lucy to be Mom. I wanted to feel Mom’s hands on my arms as she pulled away. I wanted her eyes to be full of Mom’s loving gaze, not the pitying look she was giving me as my eyes pooled with tears. It was completely selfish. But looking at her, being so healthy, made me wonder why Mom didn’t survive.
My heart tightened as she smiled sadly at me. “I’ve been meaning to call you. We miss her very much. We’ve been praying for all of you.” My chest constricted even more as a shaky breath left my lips. She swallowed hard. “Your mom was a great friend, and even though we’re not family, I’ve seen you grow up and I care for you.” Her hand squeezed my arm reassuringly as I blinked the tears away. Her own eyes teared up as her voice broke. “I’m here for you. Anything you need, Cassie.”
I couldn’t utter a word. My throat was raw as the emptiness and grief all came flooding back as Lucy smiled at me, and I just couldn’t say anything to her.
She noticed. Of course she did.
She kissed my cheek and turned away with a sorrowful look. A tear rolled down my cheek as I turned away and walked out of the supermarket.
My breath was ragged as I choked on a sob. I leaned forward, bracing myself against my thighs as I tried to control my breathing. A pair of blue sneakers appeared in my line of vision. Farah stopped next to me and placed a hand on my back in reassurance.
All I could think about was how much I missed Mom. Frustration ran through me. I always thought time healed people, but nobody told me that no matter how much time passed, you would carry an emptiness inside you.
Nobody would ever fill that emptiness Mom had left.
I didn’t want to forget anything about her. I was even finding myself doing things like she did to honor her, like adding the spices she had scribbled in her recipe books when I cooked, or making hot cocoa on the first cold day of autumn.
“Cass?” I looked at Farah. Her eyes were soft as apprehension washed over her face. “My house is two blocks away.”
Nodding, I straightened while wiping the tears away with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry,” I murmured as we began walking.
“About what?” A soft smile played on her lips, and my heart warmed. She was truly the best friend ever.
In no time, we were in front of a two-story house. It was painted all in white and had a pretty flower arrangement on the lane leading up to it. The small porch had a wooden swing, and the driveway was empty, meaning her mom was out. Which was fine by me. I knew I looked like crap.
With a heavy heart, I followed Farah up the stairs to the porch. Right as she was about to unlock her front door, I burst out, “My mom died last summer.” Her hand froze as I swallowed hard. Saying it out loud made it more real. “I’m still dealing with that.”
I bit my lip as I heard her take a deep breath. “I know.” Her blue eyes were sad as she gazed at me. “Your father met my mom at the end of summer. They literally bumped into each other at the admissions office, and Mom heard the secretary expressing her condolences to him.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say to that. She’d always known and never said anything. Yet, she had been adamant about being my friend. “Thank you.” My voice was soft as I looked down. Thank you for being there for me.
She shoved my arm playfully. “That’s what friends are for,” she said with a grin as she gestured for me to follow her.
We crossed through the house, passing across the living room. It was a large room with a rock chimney on the wall to our left. A few scattered crayons and a coloring book had been left lying next to it on the floor. “Sorry. My sisters tend to leave a trail behind them.” Farah rolled her eyes. “All the time. It’s so annoying.” She shook her head as we reached the kitchen. It felt warm and cozy, even though it was decorated in a minimalist style. We left the bags on the counter next to the sink as Farah gestured to the back door. “This is my favorite part of the house.” She beamed excitedly while opening the door.
Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) Page 10