Ugly Duckling: A True Life Story of Beauty, Manipulation and Murder

by Phillips, Royal

  I lost all respect for my eldest brother who selfishly neglected you. He pursues only his own escape path to self-gratification. I experience great pain watching you, Pam, and hope this obstacle will strengthen your being for a fuller life.

  I flew into Tucson to sign papers and support you as you made your new home with the Dean of Students of your Saguaro High School. No one in the family believes that living at home with your father is as bad as you say. You have a reputation for exaggeration.

  _____

  FALL 1973

  You have moved back in, Rodney. You offer me several credit cards, and now that you’re working for the Sambo’s Restaurant chain, you have a good salary coming in. You begin to remodel our smaller house on Hodges Lane. Lots of changes and adjusting. I just know that our three kids are very happy to have you back in the nest. You really love me and that is incredible. You take us on all kinds of wonderful trips. People stop and comment on what a beautiful family we have.

  We thank them and announce that we’ve been divorced for years. I wonder if there can be an all American divorced family?

  It’s probably best Pam had declined my offer to live with us. She gets a job as a hostess at the Tucson sports bar, Bobby McGee’s. She seems to like working there. I hope you are right, Pammie. I hope you are handling your life as a responsible teen.

  _____

  CHRISTMAS 1973

  I wanted to give Pam a Christmas she would never ever forget. I set about finding all things pink for her -- pink slacks with a pink sweater, a pink turtleneck, pink ribbons for her hair and a pink nightie. I searched for pink socks and even pink undies. I wrapped all the packages in bright pink paper and pink bows, and placed them in front of the bedroom door. When she woke up on Christmas morning, there was Pam’s Pink Christmas. Thrilled, she immediately modeled her new pink clothes. As a teen, Pam now unmistakably had breasts. She is tall, small hipped with long legs and yes! Big breasts. Her gymnastics had helped her with fabulous posture and she always did cartwheels for me. Especially on the beach. I would regularly ask her, “Do you think you’ll be able to do cartwheels for me when you are my age?” She assured me that she would.

  There wasn’t a place on earth where men wouldn’t turn and look at her. All ages of men. She was so sexy-looking in an innocent way.

  _____

  JUNE 12, 1974

  I take you down to Planned Parenthood. Even though I have shown you all my childbirth charts, I want you to learn all about conception and birth control again. You are not embarrassed. Who else is going to turn you on to the truth about life?

  You stride in on those long legs. But those desert boots have to go!

  _____

  AUGUST 8, 1974

  Rodney and I decide to include Pam on a trip to San Francisco as a surprise. We will all go as a happy family. But things can change in an instant. Rodney says, “Here.” He hands me a Bobby McGee matchbox and places it in my hand. “I found this on the sailboat.” There is a joint inside. Evidence that Pam, now 17, had snuck down to the Santa Barbara marina and was on our boat smoking. A huge off-limits.

  Neither of us have the guts to bust her. However, we don’t take her on our trip. We don’t want her influencing our kids. I include her in more 12 Step meetings. Life is not an easy trip for me, but I am coping better and better with reality without the escapes. Three years without alcohol!

  Sailing on Orion, Santa Barbara

  _____

  DECEMBER 20, 1974

  Pam arrives very sick but able to join our tree trimming party. I have to wait till Monday the 23rd to take her into Dr. Hartzman. She has strep throat and a sinus infection. We have plans to go up to Rancho Oso to ride horse back. When we are in the barn, she shares with me that her big brother, Putzie, introduced her to cocaine and it appears that she is highly allergic to it. Actually, I am happy to hear this -- that’s one drug I won’t worry about with her. Each time she visits now there seems to be some kind of melodrama. We share our love with her but I worry about her impact on my three little ones. I am happy she is going off to college.

  _____

  FALL 1975

  Pam’s visit over the holidays was good in that we shared our love with her. Pam will have a long road with bumps and curves, but she is a strong lass. I hope she will make it. She is proud of getting a scholarship to The University of Arizona. She majors in business and I tell her that is a smart move. But she is mad because her father had promised her he’d send her. Frank flakes out on her once again. She becomes one of the first women to be accepted in the campus business fraternity, Alpha Kappa Psi. Grandmother Mutzie sends money to help with her education and sorority. Pam tells me that drunken Mutzie calls her at the Delta Gamma house just like she used to call me at my sorority house. All the sisters know to tell old Mutzie that the person she is calling is not there!

  History repeating itself.

  _____

  FALL 1977

  My little adorable blond nephew, what have you done? I get word that Pam’s big brother, Putzie, at 23, has flown a gutted DC-4 from Columbia, South America, full of pot. When he landed on an abandoned airfield in the U.S., the Feds were waiting for him. He got 23 years for his crime, but only served 3 years. His accomplice's father was a New York lawyer who helped them both get out early. Curiously, Brother Frank spoke little of this melodrama. Perhaps because Brother Frank taught Putzie how to fly.

  Putzie and Pam at Christmas

  _____

  AUGUST 31,1979

  Pam writes me a letter about getting married to Stuart and wondering why she is getting married at that time. She wasn’t having second thoughts but she says she is picking the busiest time of their lives. Stu’s law office is a split house where his partners seem to want money for their services and Stu seems to be devoted to helping people. He is more of a humanitarian -- he views law as a public service. He likes to spend time with his poor OR rich clients. Pam says he is depressed over this. She would rather see him in politics or teaching law but for now it is a good ticket for the future. She is proud of him and his morality. It brings to light the conflict he has with her father. They have nothing in common but her.

  _____

  OCTOBER 13, 1979

  Pam asked for my help and I was happy to oblige. I have done lots of things in my life, but going to a male strip joint after the rehearsal dinner was very different.

  Her western wedding at sunset was stunning and we all flew out to honor her. We loved the Tanque Verde Ranch and horseback ride across the desert floor between huge saguaro cactus. My daughter Paige was the flower girl and son Erik the ring bearer (and he secretly got drunk). All involved wore cowboy boots. The bridesmaids wore orange dance-hall-girl skirts with lace off-the-shoulder blouses. The guys wore western tuxes with bolo ties, including her dark haired, quiet and unassuming husband Stuart, the new lawyer. And Pammie: She had a cowboy hat of organdy. She was beautiful, but disorganized as always.

  I helped by prodding the photographer who seemed drugged or drunk. Of course, Mutzie got drunk and was wearing her burgundy velvet pants backwards.

  This whole celebration was becoming disturbing since I was the only one not drinking or doing drugs. So was finding her father the next morning in her Ranch wedding suite, passed out. When I asked if he interfered with her wedding night, she replied nothing happened and it didn’t matter. I couldn’t help but notice that she was still walking around in her ethereal silk organza wedding gown. I say, “Did you sleep in your wedding dress?”

  Pam’s first marriage, Tanque Verde dude ranch

  _____

  FEBRUARY 14, 1980

  Rodney and I decide it is time for him to leave. He is involved with a secretary from his office.

  He is not taking the Captain with him.

  _____

  MARCH 3, 1980

  Pam calls and reports that she has been to the dentist and had all her teeth capped. She never had braces and thinks her teeth should be straighter. I had told her
that later she will regret doing this. I have a cap on a front tooth and it has had to be replaced several times as the gums recede around it. She didn’t listen to me but was laughing with the nitrous oxide. Her dentist gives her that drug even for cleaning. I have never heard of this, as there is no dentist in Santa Barbara who will do that. Zero. Not even for my son Erik who used to have his hair pulled by the children’s dentist. This was the dentist’s way of making him sit still! Erik has a trauma response to all dentists now. If anyone would need laughing gas it would be him.

  _____

  FALL 1980

  I received huge newspaper spreads on Pam’s modeling with Plaza 3 Talent Agency in Tucson. Her composite pictures are absolutely stunning. She is not an “ugly duckling” any more or never was. She has made it in the beauty world. I am compelled to tell her again that true beauty is on the inside and remind her of grandmother Mutzie’s utter vanity. She seems to have a need to be seen and an ardent desire to make a lot of money. I get more letters, many of which are about attaining her financial goals and calling to hear her bank balances. She wants to be in the “Before 30” Millionaire's Club and all her energy seems to be going there. Again, as Mutzie demonstrates, money doesn't buy happiness.

  Pam becomes a model

  _____

  OCTOBER 31, 1981- DUBAI

  I now see how impulsive I am. A recent childbirth student came for a private class and asked me if I would fly to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates to help her have her baby. She was married to an Arab, the owner of a shipping company. They would send me a ticket. Pam told me to be daring and accept.

  I said, “Sure.”

  She told me that I would be teaching classes at the American School to expatriates.

  I ran to the Encyclopedia Britannica. I had a journalist friend doing research on Arabia and Arabs. I knew nothing about them or the country. I had three weeks to get ready. To pack my forbidden childbirth charts, my breastfeeding slides and a very revealing birth movie. She told me I could be put to death if they were not wrapped properly. Also, taking photographs was forbidden. What was I doing? My heart was pounding when I approached customs in Dubai after an arduous journey from California via Belgium to the protected airport of Dubai. I was to be met by a tall Arab holding up a copy of my first book. I had already proven my ancestry to be cleared into the country. I also had a list of proper clothing labels. Nothing Jewish! No Sears etc. I also had a frozen bunch of tortillas for my hostess. She had requested this. I got settled in at her house. I could not open the door and walk out. I began to see the rules for women. How am I going to get through the next several months? I feel as though I have landed on the moon.

  _____

  NOVEMBER 2, 1981

  I am teaching classes to my beautiful hostess and her Arab husband. She has arranged for me to teach at the American School at 10 PM. All things are late as it is so hot. I am teaching Egyptians, Germans, British, and two American women married to Arabs. This has never been done before here.

  _____

  THANKSGIVING 1981

  After unfortunate circumstances, I was told that I would be kicked out of the country by my American hostess. I was next on my way to the American Embassy for help. I was rescued by a most marvelous Arabian family. Suddenly, I was going to the beach to swim. The first matriarch was taking me to the gold souk to shop and I was actually having fun with this warm and loving family.

  They straightened out my visa and papers with no problems. I will continue to teach at the American School. My heart is overjoyed to truly learn about Arabs. I have been so privileged to learn about their birthing customs and superstitions. And feel honored to be living with them.

  _____

  DECEMBER 1981

  I am now headed down to Tucson with all my slides to share with Pam. Pam is having a dinner party and wants me to “show and tell”. This three months visit was so very strange. Such a different culture but I loved sharing my knowledge about babies and parenthood with those working on expanding Dubai. Pam is thrilled that I was recently on television interviewed about my unusual adventure. I learned so much about their culture first hand.

  I respected their country and followed the “when in Rome” direction. I tell Pam that this always works! Especially for travel in other countries. I seem to be grooming her for her future, which is fine with me as I consider her one of my own.

  _____

  JULY 11, 1981

  I am so excited that Pam and Stuart came to visit. They surprise me by bringing their new lab, Montego, named after their Jamaica honeymoon destination. I was worried about leaving this puppy in my garden as it was very rambunctious. We went out to dinner and returned to all my custom outdoor cushions destroyed. Cotton stuffing was everywhere. There were two lessons I had for Pam: That you never travel to someone’s house with a new puppy. And that you are always responsible for paying for damage you or your pet cause. I don’t think she liked the lessons. She reluctantly paid the $1000 bill. I wonder how she could ever handle raising children.

  _____

  JULY 20, 1981

  Having been up all night at Cottage Hospital helping a new soul come in, I was weary and not sure what kind of teaching job I would do the next day. I forged on forgetting about my one hour of sleep. I drove down East Valley Road to huge ornate gates that belonged to Paul Williams and his wife, Katie. I gathered up all my charts and papers and rang the front door. Paul and Katie greeted me warmly. They said we would work in their upstairs library and did I want anything before we went up the stairs. I replied that I had been up all night with a birth and would truly like some real Coke. Paul looked at Katie wide eyed and said, “Our Lamaze teacher wants real Coke.” I exclaimed, “Oh, no. Not Coke! I meant no diet Coke. Just the real thing.” Every one laughed and was relieved. Coming from Nebraska, they were down to earth real people even though Paul was a Grammy winner and I don’t know how many gold records dotted their walls. I can’t wait to call Pam to share this story.

  Paul Williams, former student

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 12, 1981

  Pam buys a new house on Tanque Verde Rd. It looks like adobe but is actually concrete. I fly down to see what we can do with it. We both are very good at interior decorating. I think it runs in the family. I also cook for her and Stuart because she has absolutely no interest in the kitchen and I feel sorry for him. I call my technique “Army Cooking” and regularly do it for my own kids. I spend 2 days of non-stop standing and chopping accompanied by loud music, resulting in many different meals to freeze. Standing for so long on her concrete floors tweaks my back, so I put on my aerobic dance music and dance about for relief. Pam’s maid is startled to find Aunt Royal, dressed in a leotard and leg warmers, hopping around the living room while pots bubble on the stove.

  Pam’s Tucson casa

  _____

  SEPTEMBER 13, 1981

  The stringy haired blond maid lives in a small apartment by the garage, is missing several front teeth, and struggles with the King’s English. Pam invites her to sit with us for dinner. Later, I explain to Pam that if she is going to be the TRUE well-bred lady of the house with her lawyer husband, the maid does not fraternize with the guests. Ever. I taught Pam table manners and now I am teaching her lady manners. I tell her that I doubt she can go very far on her millionaire mission in Tucson, Arizona. And that she should take her girl to the dentist to buy some teeth.

  _____

  MARCH 1982

  I get an unusual phone call. Marta LaTourette Turpin, the assistant to Mike Love’s (Beach Boy singer) personal business manager, Richard Casares, inquires about my classes. I have never been interrogated like this before. All my well-known stars called me personally. Marta asks me to explain my private childbirth classes in detail. She then booked me to present my material at Mike Love’s home on the mesa. He lives in a compound facing the ocean with cottages for all his employees. His wife, Kathy, expects baby Michael, Jr. in April.

  This should be
very interesting.

  _____

  NOVEMBER 14, 1982

  I enjoy my regular visits to Pam’s new house. I pack up my huge cowhide rug in a duffle bag and bring it on the plane with me from Santa Barbara. It looks great in her adobe. We drive South of the Border to Nogales, which is so much nicer than Tijuana or Juarez. We find a fabulous restaurant in a cave named La Roca that is built into a rock hillside. It is a treat for the senses -- the food is excellent, service impeccable, and the decor charming. The wait staff wears white tux dinner jackets and is very attentive to these blond "gringas" from the US. Excellent guacamole and real limes on my virgin margarita! I love this formal place. It is an oasis away from the crazy hawking vendors in the hot dusty streets.

  Pam and I have a special kind of wry humor and we find ourselves laughing a lot. We leave the cool elegance and shop for REAL vanilla, wrought iron fireplace tools, and woven rugs. Pam smuggles illegal turtle lotion back into the States. She can smile her way past any customs official. I am too chicken to smuggle and am content with my vanilla.

  _____

  NOVEMBER 15, 1982

  I walk into the guest room and behold my canvas duffle bag. Clothes have been pulled out of it. Logan, Pam’s new Cocker Spaniel, has shit on top it. I call for Pam who doesn’t think it’s a big deal. She calls for the maid.

  _____

  NOVEMBER 16,1982

  How can this be? Our family has always been so overtly sexual. While standing in the bathroom, Pam shares with me that she and Stuart are seeing a therapist for their sexual issues. Her problem seems to be frigidity. No orgasms. She received such a mixed message growing up -- her dad always harping on her to be a virgin while he had such a strong focus on sex. She tells me that she doesn’t care about sex and only cares about making money and becoming successful. She says she will take all that sexual energy and put it into business, which is more important. I am awestruck at her indifferent expressions. I am slightly worried as she shares a business tactic with me: