Both Sides Now

by Shawn Inmon

  Star Wars was good. I know some people think it is the greatest movie ever. I wouldn’t go that far, but I liked it. I thought Luke Skywalker was cute. Looking back, I’m not sure what I saw there. When the movie was over, Shawn checked his watch. We just had time to get home by my curfew. The ride back went by fast. It felt like we had just left the theater when we were pulling into his yard. My birthday started out kind of plain, but it had turned out pretty great.

  I didn’t know if Shawn would walk me to my door again, like he had when we had gone to Homecoming, or if he would just say goodbye and go into his house. It didn’t matter either way, so I just got out and headed for my front door. I was at the front of the car when Shawn jumped out and stopped me. It was really cold outside, but Shawn looked so serious that I didn’t even notice it. He stared at me so intently that I wanted to say ‘What?’ but I didn’t. I just stared at him. He smiled a tiny smile but didn’t say anything; he just kept looking at me. Finally, he gently took hold of my shoulders and pulled me close to him. He put his hands on my face and bent his head down and kissed me, soft and slow.

  It wasn’t my first kiss…but it was my first kiss like that. My knees felt like they were going to buckle on me, and electricity ran through my whole body. Every thought I ever had vanished from my head.

  Shawn smiled at me again. He looked so happy. I felt happy too, but I really couldn’t speak. We backed away and never took our eyes off each other. Finally, I turned away and walked to my front door. When I opened the door, Mom was there, still sitting in her chair, waiting.

  “How was the movie?”

  “Fine.”

  “Well, did you have fun?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Uh-huh? That’s it? Really?”

  “Uh-huh. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

  She smiled at me. “That’s fine, Sissy. Go to bed. I’m glad you had a good birthday.”

  I walked into my bedroom and turned off the light. I kicked my boots off and fell across the bed, hugging my pillow tight against my chest. After a minute I changed into my jammers, turned the light back off, and climbed into bed. I didn’t think about anything but Shawn, and what it felt like when he kissed me.

  Love is in the Air

  I had decided that nothing was ever really going to happen between Shawn and me. Two years ago, we had danced at his birthday party, which had felt very nice, but I was too young for anything else. This fall we had gone to Homecoming together, but he got sick right after that and everything fizzled. Then he called me out of nowhere on my birthday and took me to see Star Wars, but absolutely nothing happened between us again after that.

  I did my best to forget about him and spent time with my friends instead. I still had my friends Cheryl, Devy, and Missy, but I had also finally become friends with the girls I had gotten crosswise with when I first got to Mossyrock. We went to each other’s houses after school and on the weekends, and had lots of sleepovers.

  When Spring Vacation came at the end of March, I didn’t have a lot planned. Shawn was going on a trip over Spring Vacation. He had made a pretty big deal about having a car and being able to go “somewhere,” without really knowing where he was going. Whatever.

  Before he left on his trip, Mom gave him a little surprise. When he had brought the Vega home the summer before, Mom had come out to look at it. It was a nice car. It was a pretty blue color and the interior was all done in blue and white. It had a hatchback, so when the back seat was folded down, it looked like a little bed. As soon as Mom saw that, she said it was like a little sin bin. Shawn liked that so much, he started calling it “The Sin Bin.”

  While he was loading it up with his sleeping bag and backpack for his trip, Mom walked out and handed him two pillows she had made that said “sin” and “bin.” She thought she was funny, and Shawn seemed to really like them. I didn’t know if he was having other girls in the back seat of the car or not, but I didn’t like to think about it.

  In the middle of our Spring Break week, I was invited to a sleepover at Devy’s house. Missy, Cheryl, Cindi, and Carolyn were all going to be there. Our sleepovers weren’t exactly epic, but they were fun. Mostly we hung out in the bedroom, listened to records and talked about boys; who was cute, who we liked, that sort of thing. The day of the sleepover, Mom went out to the street to check the mail like she did almost every day. She came back in with a fistful of bills and a circular from the grocery store in Morton, and said, “Oh, you got a letter from Shawn.”

  That was really weird. I had a pen pal in New Zealand who sent me letters, but I couldn’t imagine a single reason why Shawn would send me something when he could usually just walk across the yard and tell me.

  Standing in the middle of the living room, I opened the envelope. There was a single piece of notebook paper, with writing on just one side:

  Dear Dawn,

  I’m sure you’re surprised to get a letter from me while I’m gone, but there are some things I want to tell you. We’ve been friends for a long time now, and I’ve always been more of a big brother to you than anything else. Lately I’ve been having feelings toward you that aren’t “brotherly.”

  As I was sitting here I realized something and I want to say it right out loud. I love you. I suppose I started to love you quite a while ago, but it wasn’t until right now that I realized it completely. I know it’s strange telling you this in a letter, but I couldn’t stand another day going by without telling you how I feel.

  I don’t have any idea if you feel anything other than friendship toward me. If you don’t that’s fine. Just throw this letter away and I’ll never mention it again. I’ll be home in a few days and if you want to, we can talk about it then.

  Shawn

  I looked up and saw Mom was squinting at me over the top of her glasses. Mom read every piece of mail I ever got, so I didn’t even try to hide it. I handed her the letter and sat down in Dad’s chair beside her. My head was spinning a little. While she read the letter, I tried to make sense of it.

  Shawn loves me? Why did he wait until he was so far away before he told me? Why hadn’t he just told me while we were sitting in the yard or driving to school?

  Do I love him? That idea was a little bigger than I was ready to process right then. I had loved him like my brother for a long time, but he was talking about a different kind of love. My feelings for him had grown and changed over the last two and a half years, but I wasn’t sure what that kind of love felt like.

  But then, all that faded away… Shawn loves me. Shawn loves me. Shawn loves me!

  Maybe I didn’t really know what that kind of love was yet, but I thought about all the time we had spent together, talking and teasing each other, the way his eyes always seemed to change when he looked at me and how gentle he was when he touched me. And that kiss. That kiss.

  Mom cleared her throat to bring me back to the living room. Her head was cocked slightly to the right and a tiny smile played across her lips.

  “He said he wanted to tell you he loved you ‘right out loud.’ By writing it in a letter. I’m not too sure about that kid.”

  I shrugged my shoulders but didn’t say anything. I took the letter from her and tucked it back into the envelope. “I’m gonna go listen to music in my room.”

  She nodded and smiled at me like she understood.

  I closed the door to my bedroom and went over to my little record player. It was the kind that had a lid and a handle so I could carry it around if I wanted. I had the 45 of If by Bread. I dropped it on the spindle, set it to repeat, and lay down on my bed.

  I’d thought Shawn was too much older to be interested in me. Now he said he loved me. I’d never let myself think about the feelings I knew had been growing for him, because it never felt like there could be a chance for there to be an ‘us.’ Now it felt safe to open my heart, at least a little, and feel what I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I never felt safe opening up that part of me with anyone else, but it was different with S
hawn. I didn’t even have to think about it. I knew I trusted him.

  That afternoon, I brought Shawn’s letter with me to the sleepover at Devy’s house. As soon as we settled in and started talking, I brought it out and showed it to Cheryl and everyone. It made me feel good that someone—especially Shawn—loved me, and I wanted to share it with my friends. Besides, at every sleepover the talk always turned to boys, and I had talked about Shawn quite a bit.

  The letter was a hot topic of conversation for a few minutes. Everyone was happy for me. I started to think that maybe I hadn’t hidden my feelings about Shawn as well as I thought. Either way, the talk moved on to other boys, so I slipped the letter back into my bag. I couldn’t forget about it, though, and after everyone else had fallen asleep, I took it out and read it over again and again.

  I thought that when Dad had brought me home from Devy’s house that I might see Shawn’s Vega parked in the driveway, but it wasn’t there. The rest of the day dragged by. Every time I looked out my window, his parking spot was still empty.

  When I woke up the next morning, I peeked out my window and there it was. The Sin Bin had returned. I wondered where he had gone and what he had seen. I wondered how he would act, now that he had sent me the letter.

  I got dressed and went outside and walked around the yard, but Shawn was nowhere in sight. I saw his mom out on their patio and waved to her, but that was all. Finally, I heard music coming through our screen door. When I looked out, I saw that Shawn had both doors and the hatchback open on the Vega. I burst through the screen door and ran to him, but before I got there I stopped and walked the last few steps. It was a nice day and the car was already warm, so I leaned against the side of the car and looked up at the sun.

  Shawn poked his head outside and looked at me for a long time. I looked right back at him and thought how much I had come to like his face. It went perfectly with the rest of him.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey.”

  Pretty exciting. Send me a letter telling me you love me, then when you see me you just say “Hey?’”

  “Um, I’m going up to Auburn today to see my sister Terri and her son Tommy. Do you want to come?”

  Inside, I thought that a day of driving around with Shawn and going to a city that wasn’t Mossyrock sounded great. Outside, I shrugged and said, “I guess. I’ll have to check with Mom and see if I can go.”

  I turned and walked back to the house. A smile overtook me. Mom was just finishing the lunch dishes when I walked in the kitchen.

  “Shawn wants me to go to Auburn with him. He’s going to see his sister.”

  “Do you want to go?”

  I nodded.

  She shrugged and said, “That’s fine, Sissy, but don’t be out late.”

  “We won’t.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “I…don’t know. Hang on.” I ran to the front door and pushed the screen door open. “When are we leaving?”

  He gathered up a bag of garbage he’d taken out of the Vega and stared at me for a second, smiling. “Right now. Let’s go!”

  I poked my head back inside and said, “We’re leaving right now. Bye. I love you,” and thirty seconds later I was headed down Damron Road in the Vega. Things always seemed to take forever or happen very fast with Shawn. There was nothing in between. I didn’t really know how far away Auburn was, but I knew it was farther than Centralia or Chehalis, so I settled in to enjoy the ride. It was a perfect sunshiny day, so we rode along with the windows rolled down, blowing our hair around. Shawn had the radio on, first listening to KITI in Centralia and then switching around the Seattle radio stations.

  When we had driven about an hour, we passed through Olympia. Shawn pointed to a restaurant that sat beside the freeway.

  “That’s the Falls Terrace. I’ve heard it’s a great place to eat.”

  I looked at the restaurant and thought it looked fancy and expensive. My experience with fancy and expensive restaurants was zero, so I just nodded.

  “You know what? I think we should eat there sometime.”

  I turned in my seat to look at him. We had never even eaten at the A&W in Mossyrock, and now he wanted to take me to someplace an hour away from home that looked like it cost more money than either of us had?

  “OK, sure. We can go eat there sometime.”

  “Great. How about April 29th?”

  It was March 30th, so that seemed like a lot of pre-planning for a date we were never likely to take anyway.

  “So now ‘sometime’ is April 29th, huh? Alright, we can go to dinner on April 29th.”

  “It’s a date, then. Remember that date. April 29th.”

  I looked at him suspiciously, like maybe he was also going to ask me to fly to the moon with him, because that was about as likely as us driving to Olympia for dinner on April 29th. He smiled his innocent smile that he knew let him get away with almost anything and started singing along with the song on the radio.

  Here’s the thing. Shawn loved to sing all the time, but especially to songs on the radio. He didn’t sing very well and he knew it, but he kept singing anyway. It made him happy. The fact that he sang around me made me feel like he trusted me, and that made me happy.

  After another half hour or so, we got off the freeway and started driving through what I assumed was Auburn. I didn’t know how big Auburn was, but it was a lot bigger than Mossyrock. It felt like we had driven around town for a long time, and I was beginning to wonder whether we were ever going to get to his sister’s house. We were sitting at a red light when he reached down and turned the radio way up.

  “Do you like this song?”

  It took me a few seconds to recognize it, but then I remembered that it was Always and Forever by Heatwave.

  “Mm-hm.”

  “I do too. Hey, did you know this is going to be the theme of the Prom?”

  I didn’t, but things were starting to fall into place.

  “Yep, it is. And, did you know that Prom is going to be on April 29th?” Then, he snapped his fingers and acted like he had just made a connection himself. This was one of his favorite tactics. “Hey. Since we’re already going out to dinner that night…”

  I felt a little thrill of happiness run all through me.

  “Are you asking me to Prom?”

  “Yeah. What do you think?

  I just looked at him. I felt so happy and he looked so nervous that it made him even cuter.

  “Well, will you go with me?”

  “Of course!”

  I almost always hid my emotions, but this time I just couldn’t. I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest for a moment. When I looked up at him, he had the biggest, goofiest grin on his face. If I’d looked in the mirror, I think I might have seen the same expression on my face. In so many ways, it felt like we had been building to this moment ever since we had become friends.

  An obvious question might be why Shawn asking me to Prom had more impact on me than writing a letter telling me he loved me. The letter came from far away and didn’t seem real. This—sitting in the warm sunshine in the Vega, feeling him beside me while he asked me to Prom in his own silly, frustrating way—felt completely real. I just wanted to sit there and soak it up, which we did until the light turned green and the people behind us honked their horn. Then we drove on to his sister’s house, which wasn’t much farther at all. It was a nice place on a hill above the city. It had a pool that I would have loved to go swimming in.

  When we got out of the car and walked into the house, Shawn reached down and took my hand in his. It was the first time we had ever held hands, and it felt completely right.

  He just walked right in without ringing the doorbell. His nephew Tommy was standing in the kitchen, looking surprised to see us. I thought Shawn had called ahead and that they knew we were coming, but apparently he hadn’t. Even though Tommy was his nephew, he was almost the same age as Shawn, just like my niece Lori and me.

  “Hey, PSI.
What are you doing up here?” I knew that Shawn’s first name was Patrick, but I had never heard anyone call him that before. I was learning all kinds of new things today.

  Shawn shrugged, smiled, and looked a little guilty. “Oh, you know. Just came up to see what you guys are doing. How’s TL?”

  I figured that was Terri, his sister. Maybe they’re big on initials in their family.

  “She stayed home sick from work today, but I think she was more sick of going to work than actually sick. She’s upstairs, c’mon.”

  Without asking me if I wanted to go into his sister’s bedroom when she was sick, Shawn started walking down the hall and up the steps. Since we were still holding hands, I went too. When we walked into her bedroom, Terri actually didn’t look sick at all, but she did look beautiful. She was sitting up in a king-sized bed, wearing a green nightgown. She looked at Shawn and glanced at our hands knitted together. She looked at me and smiled broadly.

  “Well, hello,” she said, like we had been friends forever but just hadn’t met yet. “So you’re Dawn. Shawn has told me so much about you.”

  He has? I looked at Shawn, but he was looking out the window like he wasn’t paying attention to our conversation.

  “Come here, sit down and talk to me.”

  I felt really funny even being in her bedroom, and now she wanted me to sit on her bed. I let go of Shawn’s hand and kind of half-stood/half-leaned against the bed. She pretended not to notice I hadn’t sat down.

  “So, Dawn, what are you doing hanging out with these two yahoos? You look like a young lady of much greater taste and discernment than that.”

  I smiled but didn’t answer, because I really wasn’t sure what she had just said.

  She looked over at Shawn and said, “So, PSI, are you getting ready to go to Alaska?”

  I’m sure I looked a little surprised, because this was the first I had heard about this. The first summer after I moved to Washington, Shawn had spent the summer in Alaska with his brother Mick, but I didn’t know he was planning to go back.