by Shawn Inmon
I felt a heat rising in me and lay down on the carpet next to the couch, pulling Shawn onto me. Just when I thought we had gone too far to turn back, I got scared.
“Shawn. Stop.”
I honestly didn’t think he would be able to stop, but he did. “What’s wrong? Are you OK?”
“No, I’m not.”
“OK. Come here, baby.”
He moved off to the side and pulled me close, hugging me tight. “You’re right. I’m glad you stopped us. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I know, I wasn’t either. I want to, but…”
“I want to too, baby, but we know it’s not right. Let’s just finish watching the movie. We’ll be OK.”
We rearranged our messed-up clothes and sat again with our backs against the couch, Shawn still safely hidden from view. I rested my head against him again and was glad we hadn’t gone too far. It was so nice to just be near him and feel him hold me. I didn’t want to lose that again.
When the movie ended, he kissed me, softly and without the heat and pent-up emotion of before.
“I love you, Dawn Adele. I will do anything for you. For now, what I’m going to do is sneak back across the yard and go to bed. I hope I can see you tomorrow.”
And we did see each other the next day, and the next. We never found ourselves completely alone like that, which was probably a good thing. Still, even though it had scared me and I had stopped everything, I liked what we were feeling laying on the floor that night.
Over the days leading up to Christmas, we hung out in a lot of different ways. Sometimes I just walked next door and sat in Shawn’s living room and played games. His family had bought an Atari video game system, and we were able to kill large chunks of time racing cars or having tank battles. The graphics were so bad that it was kind of hard to tell the tanks from the race cars, but we didn’t know any better, so we didn’t care.
Shawn had brought a new album with him too—Billy Joel’s 52nd Street—and we listened to it over and over. There was one song on it called Until the Night that Shawn loved so much that every time it came on, he would stop whatever else he was doing and try to get me to slow-dance with him to it. I was too embarrassed to dance in front of his mom, but she mostly ignored us while she puttered around the house, and Shawn didn’t care.
On Christmas Eve morning, Mom said that Lori and Shawn and I could go somewhere if we wanted. I’m pretty sure she just wanted Lori and me out of her hair, but we were happy to go. I called Shawn and asked him where he wanted to go. Since we were all broke, he suggested we go to the bowling alley in town, Mossyrock Lanes.
Just a few minutes later, I heard him start the car to defrost it. Lori wasn’t quite ready to go yet, so I said, “Meet you out there,” and ran outside. It hadn’t snowed the night before, but it was so cold that the grass crunched under my feet. The car windows were so frozen I couldn’t even see Shawn sitting inside.
When I opened the passenger door, the ice cracked and it made a loud noise that scared me and made Shawn laugh. The car’s interior felt like a frozen fishbowl.
“Where’s Lori?”
“She’s still putting the last half a can of hairspray on. She wanted to make sure there was no chance her hair would get messed up in case we ran into a hurricane.”
“Good. Then we’ve got a second. I want to give you something.”
He reached in his pocket. For the second time in less than a month, I watched him pull a jewelry box out of his pocket. My stomach lurched. Was he about to propose again?
He smiled happily at me and opened the little box. Inside was a necklace. It had a smooth dark stone that hung off a silver chain. I felt relief flood through me.
Shawn was watching my expression and concern flashed in his eyes. “Don’t you like it?”
“Oh, I love it. Thank you.”
I didn’t want to blurt, ‘I thought you were going to propose again, and it scared the bejesus out of me.’ That might ruin the moment. Instead, I smiled and kissed him and all was right with the world.
A few minutes later, Lori came out and we drove to the bowling alley. When we got there, Lori said, “I’m gonna go inside and leave you two lovebirds alone out here. Don’t tell your Mom!” There were times I really loved that girl.
Going parking in front of the bowling alley wasn’t as romantic as being in our spot up at Doss Cemetery but we did what we could with what we had. After we had been making out for a few minutes, I pulled away and said, “I want to talk to you.”
“OK, I kind of liked this other thing we were doing, but go ahead. Shoot.”
“The other night, when I was babysitting and you came over…”
“Yeah?”
“What if I had gotten pregnant that night?”
The strangest expression came over his face. It was like there were so many thoughts running through his head at the same time he couldn’t separate them. I thought I saw fear and uncertainty, and I don’t know what all else. “Babe, you couldn’t have gotten pregnant. We didn’t do anything. We stopped.”
“I know, but what if we hadn’t stopped?”
“Well, right now you’re in high school, I’m a freshman in college and your parents would kill us, so that would be bad. But, in a little while, when we’re both a little older, then it would be the best.”
I nodded. I heard his words, but I had also seen the fear in his expression and I couldn’t help but wonder. We went inside and played air hockey and pinball and didn’t talk about it anymore that day.
That night, the three of us walked up town to the Mossyrock Community Church to listen to a Christmas cantata. I really don’t remember why we walked that night instead of driving. Maybe Shawn was running low on gas. The cantata was nice, and when we walked out of the church, it was like what had happened the night of the Commodores concert all over again. It had snowed the whole time we were inside and the ground was already covered. It didn’t really snow all that much in Mossyrock, so the idea of a white Christmas made us happy.
It kept snowing on us as we walked home. Several people stopped and asked us if we wanted a ride, but it was so nice walking in the snow that we told them no thanks. By the time we got to Damron Road, my rabbit fur coat had turned completely white.
When we got closer to home, Shawn took my hand and stopped me in the middle of the road. Lori kept on walking, so for a minute it was like we were all alone in the middle of a snow globe.
“I love you, Dawn Adele.”
“I love you too, Patrick Shawn.”
He kissed me so gently on my frozen lips that I wanted the kiss to last forever. Eventually, we realized our ears and cheeks were freezing, and we caught up to Lori before she made it to our house.
Everything was so perfect. I know I should have just let things be and enjoyed the moment, but I wasn’t capable of that. Things were weighing on my mind. Shawn was sweet and patient. He agreed with me about waiting for sex, but I also knew he was in college. College girls didn’t have an 11:00 curfew and didn’t worry about ‘going all the way.’ What if Shawn met some girl at the University was willing to do what I wouldn’t? Would I lose him? The more I thought about that, the more I thought about Shawn and me together on the floor when I was babysitting. I wished that we had gone ahead and done it. I felt a little foolish now, since we had been so close and I had gotten scared and stopped him.
I didn’t expect Shawn to push the issue again, especially after our conversation about me getting pregnant at the bowling alley. I knew if it was going to happen, it was going to be up to me.
Later that week, I got a call from another couple in Mossyrock I babysat for. They wanted me to watch their two kids on New Year’s Eve. Shawn and I had been planning on going somewhere that night, but we hadn’t finalized anything yet. A new plan was forming in my mind. I told them I would be glad to babysit.
I had been right. Our close call at the Garners’ had scared Shawn off a little bit. We hadn’t even been close to really being alone since th
at night, and he seemed completely good with just hanging out and talking. I couldn’t help but think what would happen after he went back to college, though.
On New Year’s Eve, we hung out during the day and played Atari and listened to music.
“So, since I’m babysitting tonight and leaving you all alone, what are you going to do to celebrate the New Year?” I asked him.
“Oh, I’ve got some pretty big plans,” he replied. “I’m thinking of organizing my comic book collection, and then maybe eating dinner with Mom and Dad.”
“I don’t care what the kids at school say about you. You are a party animal.”
He growled at me like Gene Simmons. I suppose I asked for that one.
“Sorry that we can’t be together.”
“You know,” he said, “I was planning on spending the entire Christmas break in Seattle, by myself in that little basement room. Instead, I’ve been down here with you. There is nothing for either of us to be sorry about.”
“You are a good boyfriend.”
“Correction. I am the best boyfriend.”
I sighed and shook my head in mock despair. “I love you, Patrick Shawn.”
“Always and forever, Dawn Adele.”
I went home and put a little more effort into getting ready than I usually did for a babysitting job. I wanted to look good for tonight.
Late in the afternoon, Mom and Dad went into Mossyrock. Now was my chance. I grabbed the phone and dialed Shawn’s number, listening all the time for the distinct click of someone else on the party line eavesdropping.
Of course, it was Shawn’s mom who answered. “Oh, hi. Is Shawn there?” I said.
I knew he was. I could look out the window and see his car. “Sure, he’s just in the living room. I’ll get him for you.”
I heard her set the phone down and say, “Shawn. Dawn.”
Almost immediately, I heard “Hellooo?” in what I’m sure he thought was a suave voice. He just sounded silly, and I wasn’t feeling silly at all.
“Are you still a virgin?” I asked.
That took some of the wind out of his sails. “Last time I checked. Why?”
“Not after tonight, and that’s a promise.”
“What? Why? How come?”
“Do you really want to ask, or do you want to just come see me?”
I heard silence for a few seconds. “Where?”
I gave him the address of the house where I was babysitting. “I’ll put the kids to bed at nine. Come by about ten and I’ll be waiting.”
“If you’re sure, I’ll be there.”
“I’m sure. See you at ten.”
I put the phone down and finally let myself breathe again. I had wanted to sound older and mature, but I hadn’t felt that way at all. I felt butterflies in my stomach the rest of the day and evening, but it was like the feeling I got when a rollercoaster was slowly climbing up that first big hill.
Everything was normal with the babysitting job. The kids were good and went to bed and sleep without too much of a fuss. By 9:30, I was sitting on the couch watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and wishing I had told Shawn to be there earlier. I hated the waiting. The television was on, but I was watching the street in front of the house more than the show.
A few minutes before 10:00, Shawn pulled up and stopped. He turned his headlights off, but I could see the windshield wipers still going. He sat there so long, I wondered if he was trying to arrive at exactly 10:00. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking and feeling.
If he had been a regular boy, it would have been, ‘I’m about to get lucky!’ or something even more crude, but Shawn wasn’t like that. I wondered if maybe he thought we were making a mistake, and that was why he wasn’t coming in.
Eventually, I saw the dome light come on when he opened the car door. He ran through the rain and up the steps until he was under the cover of the tiny porch. He knocked so quietly that I wouldn’t have heard it if I hadn’t been standing right at the door.
I opened the door and let him in. He was dripping wet from running the few yards between the car and the house. Since I had started this, it was supposed to be my show, but I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. I didn’t know if I should just jump up in his arms and start kissing him, or if I should let him take the lead.
That was a big part of the problem. Usually, when we came close to actually sleeping together, we were trying hard not to do that. Tonight, now that I had stated our intentions, we were supposed to do it, but we had no momentum at all.
We sat down on the couch and watched TV for a few minutes. I was getting ready to say, ‘Just doing this is kind of nice, isn’t it?’ when Shawn slid across the couch, put his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me toward him. I didn’t want him to think I had brought him here under false pretenses or that I was going to stop again, so I kissed him. He kissed me behind my ear and down my neck. After that, I stopped thinking for a while until I looked down and saw that we had ended up on the floor again.
And that was it. We weren’t virgins anymore. No matter what else would ever happen, we would always know that we were each other’s first.
Shawn kissed me gently and said, “See, I told you we would be a perfect fit.”
This just showed that no matter what the circumstances were, he was going to make a bad joke. I looked at him and saw that he was still wearing a very long, blue turtleneck and his socks. At times, he was the most romantic boy in the world. At other times, he was… this.
We both got dressed and sat a little awkwardly on the couch. I thought back to eight months earlier, when we had been naked together for the first time on his mom’s couch. That night, everything had seemed to happen so naturally. This night, everything had felt forced and a little unreal.
After a few minutes he said, “I love you, baby, but I guess I should probably go. It wouldn’t be too good for either of us if they came home and found me here.”
I nodded and walked him to the door, holding his hand. One more kiss and he was gone. It was still pouring outside. I watched him race to his car again and struggle to get it unlocked. By the time he got inside, he looked like he had just stepped out of a shower. I watched as he sat there again for a long time without moving.
When he finally pulled away, I watched his taillights fade into the distance. I took inventory. I was the same person I had been before. I didn’t feel all that different. I wondered what life would be like for us now. Would Shawn want to do this every time we went parking up at Doss Cemetery now? Would we ever be able to go back to lying naked and innocent together, or had we killed that forever?
As Dick Clark counted down the final seconds of 1978 and the ball dropped on Times Square, I wondered where Shawn had gone.
I missed him.
I’m So Afraid
The couple I was babysitting for came home a little before 1:00. I was still awake and sitting on the couch. I called my Dad and we all stood in the living room waiting for him to come pick me up. They made small talk with me, asking if the kids had been any trouble and joking with me that I had probably had more fun watching TV than they had out with their friends. I could tell by the way they were talking that they didn’t suspect that Shawn had been there.
When I got home, Mom was still sitting up in the living room, working on a craft project. I mumbled goodnight to her and went straight to my bedroom. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a while, but I changed into my jammers anyway and climbed into bed. After laying in the darkness for a few minutes, with the same thoughts running through my head over and over, I heard a car pull into the side yard.
I pulled back the curtains and watched Shawn get out of his car and go into his house. I had thought he would have been home long before me. I had no idea where he had been.
The walls between the rooms in our house were really thin, and you could hear even a normal conversation through them. I heard Mom and Dad’s door shut. I could hear Mom say, “He just got home.” Dad mumbl
ed something, and then I heard Mom say, “I just know these things. He was there.”
My heart sank. No matter what I did and no matter how careful I was, she just knew things. I would never be able to get away with anything. I wondered what the consequences would be from this. Would she call me on the carpet in the morning and pull it out of me? If I denied it, would she ban Shawn and me from seeing each other again anyway?
Other thoughts swirled around my brain, like a dog chasing its tail. Ever since Shawn had left the house, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I already knew I was pregnant. At first, I was able to convince myself that I was just being paranoid and that there was absolutely no way I could already know if I was pregnant or not. The longer I lay in bed without being able to sleep, the more convinced I became that I was. The more I believed it, the more I had to think about what I should do next.
Should I just break down in the morning and tell Mom everything? That would be comforting in some ways, because then she would tell me what I needed to do next. It would also be the end of everything between Shawn and me. She would never let us see each other again.
I considered just staying awake, so I would be up and dressed when I saw that Shawn was up. I could catch him before he left to go back to Seattle in the morning. But if I did, would he even believe me? Or, more likely, would he tell me what everyone knew: that you can’t possibly know you’re pregnant just a few hours after you have sex?
I thought I was going to end up staying up all night, but just as I saw the sky starting to lighten outside my window I fell asleep. I was so tired, I slept like the dead until late in the morning. As soon as I woke up, I remembered the last thing I had heard Mom say about Shawn coming home right after me and immediately got a nervous stomach. I looked out my window and saw that Shawn’s car was gone, so I had missed him.
I walked out into the living room rubbing sleep out of my eyes.
Mom said, “Good morning and almost good afternoon. We thought you were going to sleep the whole year away.”