by Shawn Inmon
I looked at her a little grumpily out of the corner of my eyes and saw that she was just watching the parade and eating lunch, not paying attention to me at all. I relaxed a little bit. If she knew anything, she would have woken me up hours before. I made a bowl of cereal and saw that the parade was already over. I was sorry I missed it, because I loved watching all the floats and bands. A football game was on and Dad sat down to watch it. It was just another normal day, and I had been worrying myself sick about Mom finding out for nothing. Or, so I told myself.
I put my cereal bowl in the sink and went back to the room I shared with Lori. She was still sleeping, but I woke her up. She acted a little pissed about being woken up at noon, but I told her I wanted to tell her something. She forgot all about being mad and jumped over to my bed.
“Shawn and I had sex last night.”
She smiled and nodded a little bit, like she might be expecting something a bit more earth-shattering. “OK. Well, that’s good, right? How was it?”
I realized I didn’t want to talk to her about it. Too late. “It was fine. I think I might be pregnant.”
She actually laughed at me. Lori had been sexually active for a while. Now it felt like she was a lot older than me, with the wisdom of the ages to share.
“I was a little scared my first time too, but don’t worry. Even if you were, you wouldn’t know about it for months. You’ve got a guilty conscience. Don’t worry, it gets easier. The chances of you getting pregnant on your first time are not good. Unless…” She leaned forward, looking serious. “Does he have Super Sperm?”
I pushed her with both hands and she almost fell off the bed, although she might have done that anyway just from laughing at me so hard. I didn’t like Lori making fun of me, but I did have to admit it made me feel a little better.
By the time I got back to school the next day, I was a little less worried. Deep down I still had this strong feeling that I was pregnant, but I just ignored it. That first day back I told my friends Cindi, Devi and Cheryl what happened. They were all still virgins.
When I told them, they were supportive, but I also felt like it put a little distance between us. They all thought it had been a mistake. We had all been ‘good girls’ and they still were, as society defined girls. I was ‘faster’ now than they were, and that put me on the outside. Still, it was nice to have them to talk to. I told them I thought I might be pregnant too, and they didn’t laugh at me like Lori did, but they didn’t have a lot of advice, either.
I never had a chance to talk to Shawn the whole month of January. Mom wouldn’t let me make a long distance call, so that was out. Also, the Vega was still broken down, so he couldn’t drive home for the weekend. Instead, we wrote letters back and forth, written on real paper, put in real envelopes, stamped and put in mailboxes. It was always a good day when I got home from school and found another letter from Shawn, although sometimes I wondered if maybe Mom had managed to open and re-seal them.
They were pretty typical teenage love letters, I guess. Sometimes we would write out the lyrics to songs and send them, or I would write a poem for him to tell him how I felt. We were able to make plans for the future now, and those plans didn’t have to involve running away to Mississippi and getting married. We did try to figure out when we were going to be able to get together and see each other, but that was kind of a slow process through the mail. Eventually, we decided that he would come down and spend the weekend before Valentine’s Day in Mossyrock. He was going to drive down after his last class at the UW on Friday, the 9th of February.
On the last day of January, I had volleyball practice and got home after it was already dark. Mom said that Dad and Lori had gone to the store because she wanted to talk to me. That was never very good news, but I just took a deep breath and nodded. When Mom and I had our little one-on-one conversations, I often stood over the back of her chair and leaned over so our heads were close together. I went and stood around behind her and said “OK, what?”
“We know that you and Shawn had intercourse and I know that you are afraid you might be pregnant.” Her voice was calm and flat, like she had asked me what kind of potatoes I wanted to go with dinner.
I froze. This was a life-changing moment and I tried to think as fast as I could. Was there anything I could say that would change how this was going to turn out? I couldn’t think of anything, so I just said, “Why do you say that?”
“Don’t play games. I got a phone call from one of your friends today. They’re worried about you, and of course, so am I.”
“Who called you?”
“I’m not going to tell you, and it doesn’t matter anyway.”
I felt scared, lost and more than a little numb. I’d been thinking about this moment for a month. Now that it was here, I still didn’t know how to react.
“So then, what have you got planned?”
“I don’t have anything planned,” I said honestly.
“Let’s start with this, then. When is your next period due?”
“I don’t know. I don’t keep track.”
“Have you had a period since that night?”
“No.” I wanted to add, ‘If I had, would I still be so worried?’ but I didn’t.
“This is what we are going to do, then. We’re going to wait a few days. Maybe now that we’ve talked about things, you’ll be able to relax and it might come over the next few days. If that doesn’t happen, then we’ll go out town next week and get a pregnancy test.”
“OK.” I was still scared and waiting to find out what was going to happen next, but I have to admit it already felt better to let her be in charge. I’d tried being in charge for the last month, and I hadn’t done a very good job.
“Next. I don’t think I even need to say this, but obviously this is the last straw for Shawn. We gave you two every chance to follow the rules and you couldn’t do it. You two will never see each other again.”
I heard her words, but I didn’t really feel the impact of them. I was still waiting to see what was coming next.
“Now, let’s talk about what we are going to do if you are pregnant. If you are, there are two options. You can keep the baby, or you can have an abortion.”
I shrunk away. This was a conversation I knew had to happen, but I wasn’t ready.
“If you decide to keep the baby, I will raise it until you are out of school and able to take care of it yourself. Then it will be your responsibility. If you decide to have an abortion, then that’s it. It’s a small procedure and you’ll be able to go on with your life.”
“We don’t have to decide right now, do we? Can’t we wait until we know for sure?”
I had just turned fifteen the month before. I knew I wasn’t ready to raise a baby, but I didn’t want Mom to raise this baby. I loved her, but as I had gotten older I had started seeing things that Mom did with me that I didn’t want done with my baby.
“Of course we can. I just wanted to get everything out in the open so there won’t be any more skulking around and keeping secrets. That’s not good, and we won’t have any more of it. Now, go wash your hands and get ready for dinner. I made homemade macaroni and cheese and I know you like that.”
Every day, I hoped and prayed that I would start my period and not have to worry about making this decision, but every day was just like the one before it.
I also hadn’t been able to find a way to get in touch with Shawn and let him know what was going on. Mom still wouldn’t let me use the phone to call him, and I didn’t have any money to use the payphone to call him. I tried to write him a letter and warn him, but after I had filled up my wastebasket with crumpled papers, I had to admit I just didn’t know what to say to him.
On Thursday the following week, Mom and Dad kept me out of school and we went out town to Planned Parenthood to get a pregnancy test. I had always heard that it took a long time to get the results back, but they told us that if we wanted to wait, they would let us know.
Dad waited in the truck
while Mom and I sat in a little waiting room in total silence. I had a magazine open in my lap, but I wasn’t reading it. Mom didn’t even pretend to do that, but just kept her eyes straight ahead.
It felt like forever, waiting to hear, but it was less than an hour. Finally a nurse came out and asked me to follow her. We walked down a hallway to a little office and we sat down on either side of an old metal desk.
She opened a folder and looked at me. “I’ve got the results back. You are pregnant.”
I thought I was ready for that, but hearing the finality of those words crushed whatever fantasy I had been maintaining that things were going to be all right. I felt the weight of it crash down on me and I started to cry. I was embarrassed to cry in front of someone I didn’t know, but I couldn’t stop.
The nurse was ready and handed me two tissues. “I know how hard it can be to find this out, but I can counsel you about what your options are for what happens next if you want.”
I shook my head. I tried to talk but had to clear my throat first. “No, thank you. My Mom is outside and she’s already talked to me about everything.”
The nurse smiled sadly at me. She opened the door and led me back to the waiting room.
As soon as I walked out holding the tissues wadded up tight in my hand and tears still running down my face, Mom knew what the verdict was. She took a deep breath and let it out. She stood up, thanked the nurse, and we got back into the truck with Dad. I saw Mom nod grimly at him.
My entire life had just changed and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet. We drove back to Mossyrock, and Mom and Dad dropped me off in front of the high school. I walked through the double doors and into the office. I gave them a note from Mom saying I had been at the doctor.
As I was walking to my locker to get my books for the next class, I ran into a girl I knew a little bit. We were friends, but she wasn’t one of my best friends. I don’t know why, but I told her I was pregnant.
I didn’t tell anyone else the rest of the day, but before the last period was over, every kid in school knew it.
Love Hurts
I should have known better, of course. When I told even my very best friends, one of them had called Mom and told her. So, how surprised should I have been that a girl I wasn’t that close to had blabbed the juiciest piece of gossip in all of Mossyrock High School? I probably would have done exactly the same thing.
Besides, Mossyrock had fewer than 500 residents. When someone sneezed on one end of town, someone caught a cold on the other end. When the majority of your town is connected by party lines, secrets are pretty scarce.
That Friday felt surreal. Everywhere I went, I felt like people were whispering about me. Girls who never bothered to talk to me before suddenly did. Boys looked at me differently too. I don’t know if it was because they thought I was damaged goods, or if they were hoping I put out now. Through it all, my friends Devi, Cindi, and Cheryl gathered around and helped me through it. I took what comfort I could from them, but it was from a distance too. One of them had called Mom and told her I thought I was pregnant. I asked all of them if it was them and they all denied it. I never did find out who made that fateful call.
I had a volleyball game in Morton that night and I was intent on playing. It was the most normal thing in my life, and normal felt comforting right at that moment.
Normal was not to be. When I walked in from school, the first thing Mom said was, “I need to talk to you.”
I wanted to scream. I couldn’t even imagine what else could have gone wrong that she needed to talk to me about. My shoulders slumped a little and sat down on the couch.
“What?”
“Now is not the time to take an attitude with me, young lady. I want to let you know that we’ve been in contact with Shawn.”
My heart leapt a little. I hate to admit it, but I had been so wrapped up in my own misery the past few days, I hadn’t even thought about what impact this might be having on him. I wondered what he was thinking, and what he might have to say about our options.
“We had an adult conversation. Everyone stayed calm, but as you can imagine, we are angry with him.”
I nodded. Just get to it, please.
“This is a hard conversation, and it’s one I wish I didn’t have to have with you. I would have hoped that you would be older when you learned these hard truths. Although our conversation with Shawn was civil, I was very disappointed in his answers. I was hoping he was more mature than he revealed himself to be. I know this is going to hurt you, but I’m going to be honest and tell you the truth. Shawn was relieved that we are planning on terminating the pregnancy.”
That was a lot of bad news to absorb all at once. Shawn wasn’t being mature. He didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby. The fact that we were “planning on terminating the pregnancy” was news to me. I thought we were still just talking about options and what we were going to do.
“He didn’t come right out and say it, but in reading between the lines, I think there are some college girls up there that he is interested in. Having a baby with a high school girl would only slow him down. I’m not very happy about it, but I do think it is probably for the best. When I mentioned the abortion, he immediately offered to pay half of it just to get it taken care of. I’m sorry, honey. I know it’s not what you want to hear and we all expected better of him.”
I thought I was beyond the ability to be shocked, but I was wrong. I knew Shawn so well and we had shared so much. Even the last letters I had gotten from him were full of love and promises of our future together.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but that’s because you’re so young. It does make sense to your father and me. We’ve thought for quite some time now that he was just manipulating and using you. That’s why we’ve been trying to protect you since last summer.”
“I don’t get it. Manipulating me for what?”
She sighed and sat quietly for a few moments, like she was debating whether she really wanted to tell me or not.
“Some boys feel better about themselves if they can take a girl’s virginity. Once that happens, unfortunately, they kind of lose interest. We think that’s what happened here. We’re sorry. We tried to protect you.”
That was so hard for me to believe. It went against everything I knew to be true. Every time we were in a situation and I asked Shawn to stop or slow down, he always did. He never acted like he was with me just to have sex.
I didn’t have anything else to say, so I went into my bedroom and closed everyone else out. I took out my 45 of Love Hurts by Nazareth. I set it to repeat and lay down on the bed. I’d held them off in front of Mom, but now I felt the tears come.
It was so hard for me to believe that Shawn had said those things. But, it was my Mom. She was the one person in my life who was always there for me. She was the one who was going to love me and protect me no matter what. Boys might come and boys might go, but moms and daughters are forever.
I examined the idea that Shawn didn’t really love me. No matter how I turned it over in my mind, I just couldn’t believe that either, but I knew there was no real way for me to know. Time would tell.
Before too long, I had to go into the bathroom and wash my face and get ready to catch the athletic bus to Morton. My head was spinning and I wasn’t looking forward to the match anymore, but I knew I had to go. I felt like I’d let myself down. I didn’t want to let the team down too.
When we got to the Morton gym, we filed into the locker room and got changed into our uniforms. It turned out we were evenly matched with Morton and we were tied at one match apiece when I glanced over at the bleachers and saw Shawn. This time he wasn’t smiling. He was just staring at me. His face was a blank mask.
I said, “Devy. Look.” The ball bounced right in front of me. I didn’t even move.
Carolyn Sprinkle, who had been queen of the Prom the year before, was now the JV coach. She yelled “Dawn. Welch! Get your
head in the game. Let’s go.”
Getting my head in the game was impossible. All I could think about Shawn. Why was he here? If he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, why had he driven all the way from Seattle? The rest of the game was a blur. I didn’t care who won or lost. As soon as the match was over, we gathered our street clothes and headed for the bus still dressed in our game uniforms, just wearing our coats over the top. I had only gotten halfway to the bus when I saw Shawn standing, waiting for me. He reached out his hand.
“Baby…”
I tried to push past him.
“Baby, hold on. How are you?”
How was I? Seriously? I was fifteen, pregnant and abandoned. That’s how I was. I shrugged and pushed past him, wondering which of my friends was heading for a payphone right now to tell Mom I was hanging out with Shawn at the volleyball game.
I got on the bus without a backwards glance, but once I was in my seat and hidden by darkness, I looked until I found him. He was standing, rooted in the same spot. He looked so lost and lonely, it pulled at my heart. Then I remembered. I turned my face away from the window until the bus pulled out of the parking lot. Fortunately, the bus was dark enough that no one could see that I was crying again.
By the time I got home I felt completely numb. I walked through the house without speaking to anyone, went to bed and was asleep within minutes. I felt the same when I woke up in the morning. Empty.
When I walked into the living room, I saw that Mom and Dad had rearranged the furniture a little bit. They had taken two of our kitchen chairs and set them at the opposite end of the living room. Mom had also taken her card table out of her craft room and set it up in front of her chair. There were a bunch of papers and notebooks laid out on it.
“Wh…what’s going on?”
“Go get dressed. We’re going to have a meeting with Shawn and Mr. Bartee from the high school in an hour, and I don’t want you looking like you just crawled out of bed.”
“Shawn? He’s coming here? Why?”