To Love Again (Learning To Live Again Book 2)

by Dori Lavelle

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  Kelsey paid the driver and climbed out of the taxi. She'd just come from her restaurant where she went to ensure all the renovations were on schedule.

  As she walked to the door, she spotted another taxi parked on the curb a short distance from her. Someone, a woman, waved in her direction. Kelsey considered waving back, but wasn't sure if the person was really waving at her.

  Before she could turn away, a tall, handsome man got out.

  She blinked several times as her heart started to race.

  Shaun?

  She couldn't move, couldn't breathe as she stared at him. And then the woman who had been waving climbed out also. Maeve. Maeve had brought Shaun to Kelsey.

  ***

  Maeve and Shaun walked over to where Kelsey stood, gaping.

  "Don't look so shocked. I told you I was coming to see you." Maeve pulled Kelsey into a hug.

  It had been two weeks and Kelsey had completely forgotten that Maeve was coming. And she hadn’t exactly mentioned she was bringing Shaun. Shock swept through her. She stared over Maeve's shoulder, her eyes fixed on Shaun's ashen face.

  Shaun's lips twitched in an unsure smile.

  Maeve broke their embrace and went to stand behind Kelsey. "Please don't kill me," she said in her ear.

  Now Kelsey was standing face-to-face with the man she loved. The man who had let her down. The man she never thought she'd see again. "Hi," she said, a tremor in her voice.

  "Hi." Shaun swallowed, and Kelsey saw his Adam's apple bob. He was just as uncomfortable as she was.

  Before she could think of something to say, he hugged her, and she found herself hugging him back, swimming in the familiar scent of his cologne.

  "Let's talk, please," he whispered into her ear. "You left without giving me a chance to explain.”

  He pulled away and Kelsey saw his grey eyes were glistening. And they were framed by dark circles. He looked handsome, but also as if he hadn't slept in days.

  She sighed. She wanted to tell him they had nothing to talk about. But it hadn't been right for her to just disappear from his life without giving him a reason. She nodded. "Come inside." She reached for Maeve's hand and held on to it for support as they walked into her apartment building.

  "Can I get you something to drink?” she asked, unlocking her door. “I can make tea or coffee."

  "Actually," Maeve said, "you live in a beautiful neighborhood. Do you mind if I go for a short walk?"

  Kelsey threw her a blazing look, but Maeve disappeared back into the lift before Kelsey could say anything. Now it was just her and Shaun, and they had no choice but to talk.

  "May I sit?" He asked when they were inside. He gestured to the armchair, next to which stood her dialysis machine. He didn't seem to notice it. If he did, it didn't register on his face. Did Maeve tell him about her disease?

  "Sure, go ahead." She sat down on the couch.

  Shaun leaned forward. "Kelsey," he said, "I was upset when you left without saying anything. You just took off."

  "I didn't think there was anything to say. I came back to Dreara early to surprise you. Branna opened the door in her underwear. I put two and two together, and I left. One man cheated on me before. I couldn't stay with a man who hurt me that way again." Her vision suddenly blurred. "I was hurt, Shaun. I gave you my heart and you walked all over it."

  Shaun rose from his chair and came to kneel before her. He lifted her hands to his lips. "Nothing happened between me and Branna. It was all a misunderstanding."

  Kelsey slipped her hands from his and he placed his palms on her knees, gazing up into her teary eyes. "She spent the night at your place and was walking around in her underwear. What's to misunderstand?"

  He sighed. "She tricked me. She showed up the night before with a black eye—at least that's what I thought it was. She said her boyfriend beat her and she wanted to hide from him. She said she had nowhere to go."

  "So she slept in your bed."

  He shook his head and one of his lashes caught her teardrop. "No, Kelsey. I demanded she sleep in the guestroom. I told her I was in a relationship...with you. I only wanted you. The time you were away was agony for me. I wanted you to come back so I could tell you I was crazy about you." He reached up and wiped tears from her cheek. "In the morning I found out Branna had lied about being abused. She made the black eye with makeup. I kicked her out immediately. Later I found out she had thrown my phone in the toilet."

  "I called you on my way to Dreara. I left a message. When you didn't respond, I decided to surprise you."

  "My phone was missing the whole night. Branna probably had something to do with that too. She must have seen your call."

  Kelsey placed a hand over her mouth and her stomach turned. She had fallen right into Branna's trap. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought..."

  Shaun came to sit next to her on the couch and kissed her. "No, I'm sorry. The whole time we were together, I wasn't fair to you. I shut you out. But I'm here now." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm here to tell you everything."

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

  As he stared at Nora, the severity of what he had done registered in Shaun’s mind. He had killed his wife. Yes, she had begged him to. But he could have refused.

  Now, he looked into Nora's eyes and wished he were dead, too. He felt the empty syringe in the pocket of his pants. "I'm so sorry," he said softly.

  Nora blinked. "What about?" She reached for his arm, but he shrank back. He didn't deserve any kindness.

  "Did something happen, Shaun? Is Carmen all right?"

  He shook his head, and then a dam broke inside him. He started to sob so hard it weakened him. He sank to the floor.

  Through his sobbing, Shaun heard a yelp. Nora pushed past him into the hotel room. He heard her hurried footsteps heading toward the bedroom, and then a scream so loud, he was sure everyone on the floor had heard it. Then there were thundering footsteps and loud voices coming from down the corridor. His heart jumped. The paramedics.

  "Where is she?" A paramedic with thinning hair asked him while the others pushed a stretcher through the door.

  Shaun swiped at his cheek and scrambled to his feet. Without saying a word, he led them to Carmen. They found her, still lying on the bed. Nora had her face pressed against her daughter’s, and was begging her to open her eyes.

  "Step aside, ma'am." One of the paramedics took Nora’s arm, but she fought him like a cat. He backed away.

  The guy with the thinning hair managed to pull her away.

  With wild eyes, she lunged at Shaun, grabbing his shirt in her fists. Spittle landed on his face as she asked the question many others would ask in the coming hours. The question he feared most, the question that changed everything. For him, for Carmen's family, for anyone who had ever known her. “What did you do to her?”

  "I..." He stuttered, gasping for air. It was too late. Why deny it? "She asked me to..."

  Nora's dripping eyes widened in horror, and then her hands fell off his shirt and she backed away.

  "She's gone..."

  Nora fainted then, and fell to the floor before Shaun could catch her.

  While one of the paramedics rushed to tend to Nora, Shaun spotted his phone peeking out from under the bed. Feeling as if his knees were made of pudding, he moved toward it and picked it up. Trying to keep it from slipping out of his hands, he dialed. A female voice answered.

  "Serendipity Police Department, how may I help you?"

  "I killed my wife," he said, and then gave the address of the Lux so they could come and get him.

  The police arrived before the paramedics left. With a click of the handcuffs, his life as he knew it was over.

  A week after Carmen died, Jack also passed away.

  ***

  The police hadn’t been able to locate the recording Carmen had been trying to tell him about. During the autopsy, they determined that the drug that killed her was a general anesth
etic, commonly administered for surgery. While Shaun denied stealing it from Serendipity Memorial, there were plenty of witnesses placing him there on multiple occasions. How many doctor’s visits had they had since finding out about the cancer?

  The bulldog of a lawyer Carmen's family hired to make sure he was locked away did his job superbly. Shaun was charged with murder and given thirty-five years in prison.

  It turned out Shaun was locked behind two kinds of bars: the physical bars of the prison, and the others inside him. He was strong enough to handle the punishment from the outside, but his inner demons worked hard to break him. And they almost succeeded. On many occasions during his first year in prison, he considered committing suicide. Garrett managed to talk him out of it each time.

  Four years later, Garrett found Carmen’s recording in the basement of their house. In it, she admitted that she wanted to die before the cancer killed her. She said she asked Shaun to help her die with dignity when the will to live had left her. She also admitted to stealing the drugs from Serendipity Memorial. The recorded message, combined with Shaun’s good behavior, got him released after only six years in prison.

  But even after he was no longer behind bars, Shaun remained imprisoned, in a cell that had no door, no lock, no key. There, he was serving a life sentence.

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  "Shaun. Oh, Shaun. I am so sorry." Kelsey didn’t know what else to say. What words could possibly take away his pain? Where could she start?

  “It’s something I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to let her go, but I wanted her to stop hurting. I just wanted it to stop.” He stood up and walked over to the door, leaned his forehead against it. Then his shoulders started shaking. Even though he hardly made a sound, Kelsey knew his walls were crashing down, releasing all the emotions he’d kept hidden for years.

  Kelsey went to him. She, too, was crying now. She held him as he wept, forgetting about her illness, her uncertain future.

  All that mattered was Shaun as he wept for all he’d lost. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around him until he went limp and exhaled a long, slow breath.

  Then, after a long, brittle silence, he pulled back, wiped his eyes, and took her hand. He led her to the couch and kissed her, as if for the first time. Nothing stood between them any longer. He kissed her eyes, her cheeks, her lips.

  And then his expression grew serious as his eyes gazed into hers. "You don't think I'm a monster for helping my wife die?" His voice was thick, drenched with pain.

  If he had asked this question two months ago, she would have needed a moment to think. But having experienced pain that was so intense she’d wished for death, she understood how Carmen must have felt. Why she wanted to die. And after meeting Shaun, she understood the power love could have over a person. She couldn't imagine anything more heart-wrenching than watching the person you loved in unending pain.

  She shook her head. "You're not a monster, Shaun. You're the most wonderful man I know. What you did, you did out of love. I'm sorry you had to pay for doing the right thing."

  Shaun placed his hands on both sides of her face. "I want to move on now, to start living again. I want to be with you, Kelsey. For real this time. I think I love you... No, I know I do. I love you. Please, let's start again."

  Kelsey's stomach clenched as she remembered the one thing that stood in their way. She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Shaun. Something changed. I changed. I'm..."

  He pulled her onto his lap and cradled her. "I know everything. Maeve told me. I don't care. We can't let that stand between us."

  Kelsey cuddled against him and when she cried this time, it was for herself. "I might never find a donor. The list is endless."

  "Two weeks ago, after Maeve called me"—he smoothed her hair—"I called your father at his office. He took me to see your doctor for testing."

  Kelsey jolted upright. "You talked to my father? You got tested? What?"

  Shaun smiled, and this time she saw all of him, without any shadows in the way. "I did. Sorry I didn’t come to see you immediately. I had to go through a lot of screenings. I wanted to come here knowing I could save you." He smiled through the tears. "And we're a better match than I thought. But if I weren't a match, I'd have had my whole family tested. I already lost one woman I loved. Now that I've found you, I’d be a fool to let you go."

  Kelsey cried harder as she clung on to him. “You’ve just made me so happy.”

  "I guess you told her the good news, then?" Maeve said, and Shaun and Kelsey both looked up, their faces flushed and beaming.

  Maeve stepped forward. "So, it's safe? Kelsey, you won't murder me for bringing him back? I would have given you my kidney, but we aren’t a match."

  Kelsey laughed from deep within her soul. "You’re an amazing friend. You've brought me the greatest gift of all." She stood and hugged her friend.

  An hour later, Kelsey got a call from her doctor and her father, informing her of the good news again. Kelsey was amazed that her dad had kept the news to himself all this time.

  It was going to be a busy few days. Both she and Shaun had to go to the hospital to talk about the steps they would need to take before the surgery.

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  Three nights before the surgery, Shaun and Kelsey had dinner at a beautiful restaurant overlooking a sparkling lake.

  Shaun took a sip of wine. "Before we both go under the knife, there's something I want you to know."

  Kelsey gave him a stern look. "What? I thought there were no more secrets between us.”

  He lifted her hand from the table and kissed it. "There aren't. I just want to promise you something."

  "I must say I'm relieved." She beamed at him and folded her arms across her chest. "Okay, I'm ready, give me that promise."

  "I love you, Kelsey. I've loved before, but what I feel for you is different. You make me happier than I've ever been in my whole life." He paused. "I promise you that I'll always strive to be a better man for you. I'll get my shit together."

  "It takes time to heal, Shaun. And I understand. I want to give you that time. I’m sorry I was so impatient."

  "Being with you heals me. You make me feel strong enough to face anything or anyone. Once you recover from the operation, I'm returning to Serendipity."

  "Wait, you're leaving?" The waiter placed their chocolate mousse on the table and promptly disappeared. Kelsey pushed hers aside. "I thought..."

  "The only way I can start over—really start over with you—is to face my demons head on."

  "And then?" It dawned on Kelsey that she hadn't thought seriously about their future together. Of course he would eventually return to the U.S., to his life. But what did that mean for them?

  "I don't know. I just know I want you to come with me. Come with me to Serendipity, Kelsey."

  Kelsey's heart leapt with excitement, but she hesitated. "But my life is here... and my restaurant is almost done."

  "I'm not asking you to come and stay. Just come with me for a little while—a weekend, a few days, a few weeks. It's up to you. We can figure out the rest later."

  Kelsey stood and went to sit on his lap. She kissed him hard on the lips. When they parted, she gave him her answer. She didn't need to think about it. "I'd love to accompany you to your hometown. I love you, Shaun Brannon."

  "Well, I've known that for a while.” He kissed her. "Thank you. Now, let's forget about Serendipity and focus on getting you back to health."

  Kelsey reached for his hands. “There’s just one thing I need to tell you. I’m sorry I haven’t said anything until now.”

  Shaun tilted his head and feigned shock. “You have a secret?”

  “One last one,” Kelsey said. “Shaun, that night in Limmery, I was about to tell you that I was... pregnant.”

  Shaun’s eyes widened and the blood drained from his face. “You... what?”

  “I was pregnant with your baby.”

  Shaun pulled his hands away, and in an instant, t
he blood flooded back into his cheeks. They burned. “Damn, Kelsey, why didn’t you say anything? You...” He ran a hand across his forehead. “You’re pregnant and you kept it from me? Why?”

  Kelsey blinked and felt a pinch of guilt. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be sure you loved me, that you’d stay.”

  He took her hands and held them tightly. “So we’re having a baby?” Emotion made his voice brittle.

  Kelsey’s eyes flooded with tears. “No, the baby is gone. It happened shortly before I heard my father had a heart attack and I left Dreara. I’m so sorry, Shaun. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up bleeding.”

  Shaun brought one of her hands to his mouth and pressed his lips to her palm, his eyes closed. When he looked up, his gaze had mellowed. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry you had to go through the loss alone.” He swallowed. “If it means anything now, I would have been there. I would have loved that child, our child, just as much as I love you.” He tipped her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. “Don’t keep anything like that from me again.”

  “Never again,” Kelsey promised.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

  EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

  She lowered herself onto the edge of the tub, and uncurled her fingers to reveal Shaun's digital voice recorder. With a fingertip, she found the button and pressed it. She licked her lips and lifted the recorder to her mouth. A teardrop trickled down her cheek.

  Today, the sixteenth of February 2005, is the day I, Carmen Alice Brannon, have decided to die. A few months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. Today, my doctor, Dr. Larry Marcel, confirmed that I have less than three months left to live. I choose not to live out those three months. I am in constant pain, and I believe my state of health would only worsen with each passing day. I refuse to let the disease kill me. Instead, I want to exit this world at will, with dignity.