The Choice

by Monica Belle

  It was nearly three in the morning before I finally climbed off my bike outside James’ house, sore and weary after riding for hours, as often as not with no idea where I was going. I was exhausted, but in the loneliness of the night my head had been flickering with images of what I’d seen; Lucy with her breasts bare as she stripped, the men with their cocks sticking up out of their dress trousers, but, most of all, Stephen down on his knees as he licked and sucked at Giles’ erection.

  19

  I WOKE UP cuddled onto James’ chest; a moment of blissful calm closely followed by less pleasant emotions provoked by memories of the day before. Both James and Violet were asleep, but the clock by the bed showed twenty past ten so I hauled myself out of bed, worrying about everything from having broken my promise to stay away, through my Monday-morning economics exam to what might have happened to the Hawkubites. There was at least nothing to connect me with them, while there was every chance that my absence from Boniface had gone completely unnoticed.

  The best thing to do was clearly to go back to college and behave as if nothing had happened, then perhaps go over to the Chamber in the evening and see who knew what, if anything, but without giving myself away. I knew from talking to Giles that the Hawkubites had a tradition of every man for himself and a rule about not incriminating each other no matter what, so there was a good chance that some or all of them had got away, especially if they’d had the sense to run as soon as they realised the police were being called.

  I was worried for Stephen, despite the state of our relationship, and even for Giles, but most of all for Lucy, who was not only sure to be the slowest runner among them but had been stark naked at the time. Even if she’d managed to get dressed she’d have stood out from miles away in her blue gown, and it was a good fifteen miles back to Oxford from The Barn.

  James woke up while I was making myself a hasty coffee and I explained to him what I was doing. He suggested coming back if I felt I should but made it clear the decision was mine and otherwise agreed that I was doing the best thing. I had told them what had happened the night before, over a hot whisky and honey before finally collapsing into bed.

  Oxford seemed strangely quiet as I cycled in. Not many people seemed to be about, even for a Sunday morning, and Boniface was no different. There were two porters in the lodge but neither so much as glanced up as I came in, and to my immense relief my pigeonhole was empty. It looked as if I, at least, had got away with it. Not that I’d done anything, really, but I was sure I’d have got into trouble merely for watching, especially if I didn’t report it to the authorities.

  The day passed painfully slowly. I tried to revise but couldn’t concentrate. At five o’clock I gave in and went to the Chamber, but while there were plenty of people about, Giles wasn’t there, nor any other Hawkubites. I spoke to a few people but there weren’t even any rumours circulating and in the end I decided to go to Mary’s.

  It was a perfectly reasonable thing for me to do, but as I walked along the High I felt as if I was walking into a trap and expected the lodge to be full of police, probably armed and with sniffer dogs trained to detect the scent of spit-roast. As at Boniface, the only people there were two porters and both looked bored. Giles wasn’t there either and his window was shut, but as I left his stair I saw Lucy on the far side of the quad, dressed in jeans and T-shirt, with a pair of shades on but otherwise looking completely normal. I called out to her and she turned, then came quickly towards me, talking even before we were close.

  ‘… has been arrested and …’

  ‘Who has?’

  ‘Giles! Stephen got away, I think, but they got Giles and they’d have got me if …’

  ‘Slow down, Lucy. Were you raided?’

  I knew perfectly well, but listened in very real fascination as she told her story, leaving out only the rudest parts and carrying on beyond the point at which I’d run for it.

  ‘Giles tried to talk them out of it, but they wouldn’t listen and Nigel was supposed to drive the minibus but wouldn’t do it and the rest of us were too drunk, and we tried to get away down the lane but the police came really quickly, and Giles stood up to them to let me get away …’

  ‘Giles attacked a policeman!’

  ‘Two, two big coppers, on his own, just so I could get away!’

  ‘And he got arrested?’

  ‘He must have done, I think. I ran into the woods, and they didn’t have dogs or anything so I got away and hitched a lift back.’

  I could only shake my head, astonished both at her, and at Giles, who I’d have expected to abandon her and make good his own escape. Instead he’d tried to fight off two police officers, which was going to mean serious trouble.

  ‘And Stephen?’

  ‘He went off over the fields. I was just going to see if he’s in.’

  ‘I’ll come with you. What a night!’

  ‘Poor Giles. He’s bound to get sent down!’

  I nodded, unable to disagree and for once sympathetic. Whatever he’d done, however he’d behaved, when it really counted he’d stood up for his girlfriend and it was impossible not to admire that. As we walked to Emmanuel I was wondering if Stephen would have done the same for me, but couldn’t decide.

  He was in his room, looking slightly sorry for himself and very much the worse for wear, but he managed a grin when we came in, addressing me. ‘Have you heard?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I sat down, waiting as he and Lucy swapped stories. He’d come down the slope no more than a few minutes after me, but struck out across country to Didcot, where he’d caught a night bus. Unlike me he hadn’t slowed down for the hedges, and his face and hands were scratched, but he hadn’t even seen a policeman. I could guess that Giles and he would have fled together had Lucy been there, which made Giles’ act more noble still, but then Giles was quite clearly the alpha male of the group, as Stephen’s behaviour towards him showed only too well. My man had to be in charge when it came to sex, which meant he didn’t go down on other men, and he did spank me. That man was James, and I was in love with him. On that point I was absolutely certain.

  It was not a good time, not after what he’d been through, but it never seemed to be a good time and something had to be said. Yet it was all so complicated, because I didn’t mind him doing it, or even setting up a ménage à trois with Lucy, but if we couldn’t fulfil each other’s needs it was madness to stick together in what would ultimately become an empty relationship.

  My fingers were on his ring, which felt wrong on my hand, but I could no more find it in myself to pull it off than to tell him the truth. I wondered at myself, because it had been easy enough with Ewan, and whether it was because I had made Stephen so much a part of my career plan. If so, then I was a cold, scheming bitch. I had to do it, and if there was no easy way, then there was a way to cause as little hurt as possible.

  ‘Lucy, could I have a word, alone?’

  ‘Er … yeah, sure.’

  I took her outside, to where the tall window overlooked the magnolia.

  ‘Lucy, you know that Stephen likes to go down for Giles, don’t you? Please tell me the truth.’

  She nodded, her eyes downcast and I went on.

  ‘You don’t mind, do you? Maybe you even like to watch, and that’s OK, but … but it’s not something I can get my head around. I think Stephen would be better off with another man, don’t you?’

  Again she nodded, then spoke. ‘And you, you really prefer your friend Violet, don’t you?’

  It was my turn to nod, and if it wasn’t the whole truth, it was enough. ‘Yes. Could you support me please, Lucy, in what I’m about to say?’

  She looked up, alarmed, but nodded her head a third time.

  I pulled off the ring and we went back into Stephen’s room, my face set in a forced smile as I spoke. ‘I’m sorry, Stephen, but it isn’t working between us, is it? I … I think we’re both gay, deep down.’

  I expected hurt, even anger, but what I got was a wan smil
e.

  I had made my choice, admitting openly to Stephen that I was in love with Violet and that we slept together. He had guessed anyway, and tried to put a brave face on it for all his hurt. Yet I could still back away and take the cold choice by finding myself somebody to replace him, somebody who ticked all the right boxes for a politician’s spouse. That meant giving up James, and Violet.

  The rest of the day was spent busily trying to find out what had happened to Giles without giving Stephen and Lucy away to the police. Among the remaining Hawkubites most had escaped, but three had been arrested and released under caution, while the unfortunate Nigel was obviously in serious difficulty. Nobody knew what had happened to Giles, or even where he was, and nobody wanted the task of ringing round the police stations.

  In the end we were forced to give up and I went back to Boniface in the hope of getting an early night. It didn’t work, my head full of disturbing thoughts as I lay awake staring into the dark and yet more disturbing dreams once I’d finally got to sleep. When my alarm went I still felt exhausted, but forced myself to shower, down a large black coffee and eat a good breakfast before getting into my subfusc and making my way to hall.

  My adrenaline took forever to kick in, even with a terrifying selection of economics and maths questions in front of me, but I gradually picked up the pace and managed to put my last full stop in place seconds before time was called. I knew I’d done well enough to pass, if no more, and I could feel the immense weight of my tension starting to drain away as we filed outside. A lot of people were there; friends with bottles of champagne, even relatives, but half of them seemed to be Chamber people, who converged on me. I hadn’t expected anything of the sort, and was grinning and waving until I realised that they weren’t there to congratulate me, each and every one looking serious, especially the Secretary.

  ‘Poppy, we need you. Giles has done something incredibly stupid …’

  I listened to the same story Lucy had told me, only from a different perspective and ending with the news that Giles had apparently been charged under the Sexual Offences Act and with assaulting a police officer, none of which surprised me and yet the news was still a shock. It was taken for granted that he could no longer stand for re-election as President, and who should stand in his place.

  ‘… has to be you, Poppy, otherwise we’re going to lose.’

  ‘But Giles hasn’t actually stood down?’

  ‘How can he? He’s in a police cell in Reading or somewhere.’

  ‘Yes, but …’

  ‘We’ve put your name forward, Poppy, and called an emergency meeting this afternoon. You need to speak.’

  She was right, and I let myself be hustled across to the Chamber. It was packed and buzzing with rumours, Giles’ name on everybody’s lips and the opposition gloating over his downfall. I kept my opinions to myself and tried to work out what I should say and to ignore the unworthy sense of triumph welling up inside me. My speech was soon ready and I went down to the bar for a large gin and tonic, hoping to seem relaxed and confident while struggling to calm my nerves, then crossed to the debating chamber.

  I’d never seen it so full, nor felt so much the centre of attention as I made my short walk to the podium. Everybody’s eyes were on me, their whispered conversations suddenly stilled as I climbed up to face them, nearly two thousand people and every one of them intent on what I had to say.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, as I stand here I find myself faced with a choice; a choice between on the one hand accepting your nomination as Presidential candidate for the Michaelmas term in place of Giles Lancaster and on the other declining that honour but retaining my own. All of you know by now, I am sure, that Giles was arrested on Saturday night following a Hawkubites Society dinner party. At this dinner party he encouraged a young lady who will remain nameless to perform various sexual acts. He also had sex with her and with at least one of his fellow diners. Unfortunately two members of the public witnessed this and the police were called, leading to his arrest on charges of indecency and assaulting a police officer.’

  I waited for the shocked conversation to die down.

  ‘Clearly the majority of you feel that in the circumstances he cannot stand for re-election as President, but if Giles Lancaster is to be condemned for his actions, then I too must be condemned for mine. I therefore decline the nomination.’

  For a moment the rising buzz of conversation drowned out my voice, but quickly died once more and I carried on, now with my heart thumping in my chest.

  ‘Instead, I propose to you that Giles’ acts are more to be praised than censored. What he and his friends did was between freely consenting adults and was intended to remain private. Nobody was harmed, or need not have been had not the police seen fit to interrupt the evening. I cannot condone assault, but I will say this. Giles stood alone against two fully trained police officers in order to allow a female friend to escape arrest for what comes down to being accidentally seen while having sex. Call me old fashioned, but if any man did that for me he would deserve my devotion.

  ‘So, let me ask you this: what did Giles do that any one of us has not done, in thought if not in deed? Think before you answer that, even if you answer it only to yourself. Giles may have stepped outside those moral boundaries to which we are expected to pay lip service, but has he done wrong? If you think he has not, then you should support his candidacy, while, if you think he has, then I cannot in good conscience ask you to support mine.’

  I had hoped it would be enough, but they looked more puzzled than anything and as the whispering began again I caught Violet’s name. A flick of my finger and the microphone was at max, my voice booming out around the Chamber as I spoke.

  ‘Yes, if you want the juicy details I am involved in a flagellant ménage à trois with Violet Aubrey and Dr James McLean.’

  The echoes of my voice died away to leave complete silence. I was choking back tears and I could feel the heat of my burning face, but I went on regardless.

  ‘Yes, that’s right. I sleep with Violet and I like to be spanked by James, and Violet too, yes, spanked, as in smacked on my bare bottom with my knickers pulled down. It makes me come and I heartily recommend it to you, but, if you don’t like it, balls to the lot of you.’

  I’d meant to flash my bottom, but my courage had given out and it was all I could manage to finish my speech.

  ‘I therefore propose to you, for President of this Chamber in the coming Michaelmas term, Giles Lancaster.’

  I stepped down, expecting yells of condemnation and outrage, if not actual tomatoes and eggs. For a moment there was only the sound of my heels on the floorboards, then somebody at the back had begun to clap, another and a third. A cheer went up and suddenly everybody had joined in. I turned to look, and found only a few glum, censorious faces among the hundreds clapping and cheering, yet it was definitely time to make an exit. A bow, a wave and I was gone, out through the lobby and into the deserted gardens.

  My heart was hammering and I was having trouble controlling my breathing, but a glorious sense of elation had begun to well up inside me, and freedom too. I no longer cared what they said or what they did, who thought what about me and what the consequences might be. I was out, with a vengeance and it felt wonderful. Everybody was going to want to talk to me and I couldn’t cope, so I hurried for the gates as the doors banged behind me, only to stop as an all-too-familiar voice called my name.

  ‘Poppaea!’

  It was Giles, hurrying towards me with a look of astonishment and gratitude on his face. As soon as he reached me he kissed me, laughing.

  ‘I think you’ve sunk us both there, with a vengeance, but I’ll tell you one thing: they’ll still remember us long after any prime ministers that lot throw up are gone!’

  I couldn’t help but grin, but I was wondering what he was doing there. ‘I thought you were in a cell in Reading or something awful like that?’

  ‘What was good enough for dead Oscar would be good enough for me, my d
ear, but as it happens Uncle Randolph came and got me out. The scandal wouldn’t do at all, you see.’

  ‘You jammy sod!’

  ‘My thoughts exactly, and I’m not going to be sent down either.’

  ‘And Lucy?’

  ‘Lucy got away, as you know. She’s safe, but, as regards your speech, I do think that, perhaps, a comparison to Roland at Roncevalles might have been in order, or maybe …’

  ‘Shut up, and come with me.’

  I took his hand and led him from the Chamber grounds, walking as fast as I could. He followed, grinning.

  In my room at Boniface I closed the oak and pushed him against it, taking the tag of his fly in my fingers.

  ‘Just how discreet can you be, Lancaster?’

  ‘Perfectly, I assure you.’

  ‘Then this never happened.’

  As I spoke I drew down his fly. His answer was a soft groan as I freed his cock into my hand and began to tug on it and to kiss him. He took my head in his hands, teasing the back of my neck as our mouths came open together and my intention of simply treating him to a suck had already begun to fade. I was breathless as we came apart, his cock now swelling fast in my hand as I went down on my knees.

  ‘This is only going to happen once, Giles, but … but do whatever you like.’

  His answer was to pull up my top and bra, freeing my breasts as I took him in my mouth. I was stroking them as I sucked, deliberately showing off to him as well as pleasing myself and all the while hoping he’d take full advantage of my surrender. His hands found my head again, holding me in place on his cock and controlling the rhythm until he was fully erect, only to suddenly twist my hair hard and pull me back as he spoke. ‘That’s nice, but it’s not really what you deserve, is it?’

  I was pulled into my room, crawling on the floor with his hand still twisted tight into my hair, to the bed and over his knee. At the realisation that I was to be spanked I gave in completely, sobbing out my emotions as my skirt was lifted and my knickers tucked down around my thighs to leave me showing behind, with his cock a hard wet bar against my hip. His hand settled on my bottom.