Almost A Spinster

by Jenna Petersen

  As they began to make their way down the marble steps toward the gardens below, Gabriel drew in a long breath. Now that he would be alone, albeit briefly, with Felicity, he had to make the most of their time together.

  #

  Felicity wanted to scream as they took the final step into Lady Stanton’s beautiful gardens. This afternoon was not going according to plan at all. Gabriel hadn’t reacted to her outfit with shock or horror, as she hoped. In fact, the way he looked her up and down when she first entered the room had been anything but scandalized.

  Scandalous, yes. Scandalized, no. His stare had all but burned into her, searing her flesh. To make matters worse her body, which should have been revolted by his heated appraisal, had instead reacted all wrong. She had gotten… hot. Tingly. And all too aware of parts of her body that she usually tried to ignore. They’d only gotten her into trouble in the past.

  And then she’d tried being rude, but Gabriel had reacted with nothing but polite answers to her forward and downright aggressive questions. From the light of amusement in his eyes, it was almost like he was enjoying her attempts to make him go away.

  Blasted man.

  And while she was at it, blast her ‘friends’, too. Weren’t Jane and Lady Stanton supposed to be helping her? Instead, Jane was being utterly kind and Lady Stanton was practically pushing Felicity into Gabriel’s waiting arms.

  She pushed herself away from those surprisingly strong arms and paced across the garden to put some distance between them.

  “Why won’t you just take the hint and go away?” she finally asked through clenched teeth.

  “You must be getting desperate now,” Gabriel said from behind her. When she turned, she found he had picked a perfect red rose from Lady Stanton’s bushes. “You’re not even trying to pretend anymore.”

  Felicity stared as Gabriel inhaled the sweet fragrance of the flower. For some reason, the bold color made her stare shift lower to his lips. Very nice lips they were, too. Full, firm… they looked like they would be nice lips to kiss.

  “I’m not pretending anything,” she croaked out, shocked by her wayward thoughts. She folded her arms across her chest in an instinctive shield.

  Gabriel took a long step toward her, his green eyes darkening. “I think you are. In fact, I think you have been for a very long time. You pretend that what my brother did does not affect you. That you don’t care if you’re alone. That you despise me. But I think what you’re pretending most is that you aren’t afraid. You are. I see through you.”

  Felicity gasped at that bold statement and the truth behind it. How could this man, who didn’t even know anything about her except for one horrible thing from her past, see so deeply into the hidden parts of her soul?

  “I’m not afraid of you.”

  He chuckled and the sound cut through the air between them as he took another step in her direction. “Yes, you are. I saw it earlier today and it’s even clearer now that you don’t have your friends to shield you. You are afraid of me. You’re afraid of the fact that I know the truth about you and I don’t judge you for it. You’re afraid that that marrying me is the right thing to do. You’re afraid that I might be the very future you’ve been trying to avoid for so many years.”

  Felicity could scarce hear him anymore for the violent pounding of her heart. “Stop.”

  “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Felicity,” he whispered as he moved so close that she could feel his body heat. Reaching out he brushed the rose against her cheek. The satin of the petals caressed her skin and she found her eyes closing against her will.

  “Yes, I do, Gabriel,” she whispered. Her eyes flew open. Had she just called him by his given name?

  Her eyes darted up and what she saw in his stare made her want to run. There was a focused intensity there. A quiet storm of desire that he was attempting to rein in, but failing miserably.

  And she knew instinctively what was going to happen next. She also knew she could turn away from it. If she did, he wouldn’t follow her. She had already surmised that Gabriel was very different from Jonathon. He might continue to press his suit and her boundaries, but he wouldn’t take what she didn’t willingly give.

  But she didn’t run. Not when he dipped his head toward her. Not when the flower he was holding dropped to the ground between them. Not when he cupped the back of her neck.

  No, Felicity let her eyes drift shut and savored the long forgotten feel of a man’s lips pressing against hers. She had been correct. They were very nice lips to kiss. Better than nice. Intoxicating.

  He drew her a bit closer and Felicity gasped. When her lips parted, he took advantage, darting the tip of his tongue along the crease of her mouth and tasting her. It had been a long time, but instinct kicked in. Felicity fisted her hands against his back and tentatively brushed her tongue to his. He even tasted good.

  Then, just as suddenly as the kiss began, it ended. Gabriel released her and took a long step back. Felicity was shocked to find herself reaching out for him and forced her trembling hands down to her sides.

  In the still of the garden, they stared at each other. Gabriel’s breath came in harsh gasps and his green eyes were dark as the jungle. The haze of the kiss faded and Felicity realized, with horror, what she had done.

  “That-that should not have happened,” she choked out, lifting her fingers to cover her hot mouth.

  Gabriel groaned as she did so, his eyes fluttering shut like it hurt him to look at her. “No. Certainly not yet. I-I am sorry. I should go.”

  Felicity bit back her desire to ask him to stay and watched him give her a short bow and then make his way back across the garden toward the house. When he was out of sight, Felicity sat down on one of the stone benches in the middle of the rose garden. Her heart was throbbing, her head was spinning and emotions hit her from all sides.

  Except one. The one she had been expecting more than any other. She felt no shame. Not like the first time she’d kissed Jonathon. Certainly nothing like after she’d given him her virtue.

  In fact, when she thought of the kiss with Gabriel, what she felt was… need. She wanted more.

  With a moan, she covered her face with her hands. More was the one thing she’d told herself she could never have. And now it was being offered to her on a gilded platter, along with a future she had thought would never exist.

  Chapter Five

  Gabriel lifted a tumbler of sherry to his lips and took a sip of the expensive liquor, a much higher quality than any that remained in his father’s home. He sighed with pleasure at the rich flavor. This was the first moment alone he’d had since he and his mother had arrived at Lord and Lady Stanton’s home over an hour before. Not that he was complaining. On the whole, this gathering had been most beneficial.

  He watched his mother chat with some of the influential party guests and couldn’t help but smile. When they arrived, she had been nervous, certain they would be shunned. But the Stantons had been so open, so welcoming that no one else had dared give them the cut direct.

  Lady Jane had been correct when she issued her invitation to the soiree a few days before. Coming here was a very good first step in returning honor to his tarnished family name. And giving his mother back some of her dignity.

  He sighed. Those facts, along with the very genuine offer of friendship Wesley Stanton had given him, should have made Gabriel happy. But he wasn’t.

  Slowly, he let his gaze move around the perimeter of the room until he found Felicity in the crowd. She was standing with a group of giggling debutantes, but from the far away look in her eyes, she was not engaged by their mindless chatter. She looked as forlorn and confused as he, himself, felt.

  Gabriel couldn’t help but wonder if the kiss they shared in Lady Stanton’s garden was the cause of her distraction.

  It was bloody well the cause of his. That ill-advised kiss was all he could think about since they parted ways a few days before. The kiss and Felicity, herself. Her image had haunted his days and t
ormented his nights. In the middle of conversations with the solicitor who was assisting him with finances, he would find himself thinking of Felicity’s mouth. Or her laugh. Or her infrequent smiles.

  When he was alone, he thought of her stubborn pride. Her rare beauty. Her spirit, which both challenged him and made him admire her all the more.

  And with those thoughts, those unwanted intrusions, came an even more shocking realization. Jonathon had been a fool to let Felicity go. After his brother took her innocence, he should have moved heaven and earth to marry her and erase her shame. Gabriel knew that… and yet he was grateful for his brother’s selfish indulgence. Jonathon’s weakness had left wide open a door that Gabriel very much longed to walk through.

  Yes, he wanted Felicity by his side. And now he wanted that for so much more than the financial and shameful reasons that had been the original impetus for his courtship.

  Felicity suddenly snapped to attention and her dark blue eyes focused sharply on him. For a moment, her reaction to his stare was utterly unguarded. She sucked in a breath and a rosy blush darkened the apples of her cheeks. In her face, he saw embarrassment, a trace of anger, but there was something more.

  Desire. It flickered, however briefly, in her eyes. And called out to his own need to be near her. To touch her. To have her.

  Her lips pursed and the mask she so often wore slipped over her features, blocking out her emotions in a frustratingly quick fashion. Damn, but he wished he could see into her heart more often.

  She turned to her companions and quickly excused herself, then thrust her shoulders back like she was about to face a firing squad and moved toward him.

  Gabriel caught his breath. Anticipation curled in his belly, made him hot, made him think of things he desperately did not want to consider. Thoughts of sultry nights and tangled limbs. Of waking up next to this woman every morning.

  “Your Grace?”

  He shook off the thoughts and prayed she wouldn’t notice the sudden state of arousal he found himself in. “Good afternoon, Felicity.”

  She swallowed hard and suddenly began to fiddle with a loose string on the hem of her sleeve. Gabriel could see she was struggling with whatever she wanted to say and prepared himself for the worst. After three days of consideration, she probably had some blistering comments about their kiss.

  “I would like to speak to you again about this courtship idea of yours,” she finally said.

  Gabriel arched a brow. “Yes?”

  “Have you not changed your mind yet about your ridiculous notion of marrying me?” she asked, dropping her voice to a whisper as she cast her gaze around.

  He stifled a sigh. Dear God, was she still on that subject? She was singular, he granted her that.

  “Why would I change my mind? It’s a capital notion.”

  Her gaze darted to his. “For pity’s sake, Gabriel, certainly you can see now that we do not suit!”

  Her suddenly elevated tone made a few people glance up and Felicity’s face darkened in a deeper blush.

  Gabriel clenched his fists at his sides. He was trying to maintain patience, he truly was, but this woman tested him beyond reason.

  “Come with me,” he growled as he caught her arm.

  She recoiled from his touch, but he held firm, guiding her toward the terrace doors without hesitation. Felicity opened her mouth as if to speak, but then reconsidered and let him take her outside. He led her away from the main area of the veranda to a more secluded corner where they would not be interrupted. Once they were alone, she pulled her arm from his and glared at him.

  “This is not a good idea,” she snapped.

  “You mean after what happened the last time we were alone?” he drawled, happy he could sound unaffected by her, despite how untrue that was. “I promise you, dear Felicity, I can control myself for a few moments. I have more important things on my mind than kissing you.”

  Liar.

  Felicity’s eyes widened, but Gabriel did not let her interrupt. For once she would let him have his way.

  “I want to know something,” he said, folding his arms as he watched her pace the area. “I want to know if you’ll ever stop comparing my conduct to my brother’s?”

  She stopped at that question and turned on him. “Is that what you think?”

  “I know that is what you do,” he said on a sigh. “You always believe I am right at the very edge of hurting you like Jonathon did. Despite my actions and my words, you cannot see anything but him when you look into my eyes. Do you deny it?”

  With a catch of her breath, she stepped toward him. Her gaze came up and snagged his. She held there for a long moment, watching him. Judging him, he was certain. There was a struggle in her stare, just as there had been earlier. A war inside her. It was the only thing that made him worry about a union between them. The idea that she would always see Jonathon when she looked at him.

  “Oh, Gabriel,” she finally said softly. “In the beginning, it is true I compared you to your brother. I thought you were the same man, only in a different package. I was certain you were playing a game like he always did. But-” she stopped. “I cannot believe I am saying this-”

  “What?” Gabriel whispered as he moved a few inches closer. God, she was beautiful in the afternoon sunlight. So fresh. And he ached to touch her, but he couldn’t. Not yet.

  She swallowed again and tears began to sparkle in the corners of her eyes. “Now that I have begun to know you, now that all the news of your deeds have reached my ears, I can see you’re not like him. If I compare you, Gabriel, Jonathon falls far short in my estimation. You are-you are a good man and I think you do have good intentions. And I appreciate your wanting to make amends for-” She blushed again. “-for what I lost. But it is wrong for you to marry me just to prove some point about your character, just to make me whole. You told me when we met that I shouldn’t judge you by the actions of another man. Well, you should not base your own future on his actions, either. No matter how noble that may be.”

  Gabriel stared at her. For the first time since he met Felicity, she wasn’t hiding. She wasn’t pretending. She looked up at him with such honesty that he ached at the sight. Not with desire, but with something much more tender. Something he had not expected to find in the spirited, closed off woman he thought to marry to pay a debt.

  She was so much more to him now. But there was still something he longed to know.

  “Did you love my brother?”

  #

  Felicity drew back, stunned by both Gabriel’s pointed question and the look in his eyes. There was a softness there that hadn’t existed before. A tenderness that both frightened and moved her. It matched her own and that was terrifying. Why did it hurt so much to tell him not to throw his life away on her?

  And why did she want so desperately long for him to tell her he still wanted her?

  But that wasn’t what he was telling her. Instead, he asked her about Jonathon. About her tainted past. He deserved an answer. Perhaps he was the only one who ever had.

  “I thought I did love him,” she admitted.

  Although she did not want to talk about that painful time in her life, for the first time she didn’t believe she would be judged.

  “You thought you did?” he repeated, tilting his head.

  She nodded. “I was young and he was handsome. He was the one all the girls wanted to ‘catch’. When he began to pay special attention to me, I was utterly charmed. I should not have surrendered to his desires, but I was so certain he would marry me, as he promised. I thought it was what I should want. But it was a foolish notion. Even if he had married me, I would not have been happy.”

  Gabriel drew back in surprise. “You think not? Why?”

  Felicity sighed. That was a subject she had ruminated over many a time during the years of her shame and guilt. And even more since Gabriel came into her life. But she’d never spoken her thoughts aloud to anyone.

  Until now.

  “Forgive me for speakin
g plainly, but your brother was a ne’er-do-well. A dandy and a womanizer. Frivolous to his very soul. And though I was silly in my own way at the time, a marriage with him would have brought me nothing but misery. In the end, I would have wished for another kind of man.”

  Gabriel was closer now, though she didn’t recall that he had moved. It seemed like if she took a deep breath, she could smell the faintly spicy hint of his skin, feel the heat of his breath and body heat. It was rather dizzying, especially when coupled with the intensity of his gaze.

  “What kind of man would you have picked?” he asked, his voice so low that it barely carried.

  She looked at him, sunlight glowing down on his handsome face and reflecting in his dark eyes. A voice whispered from within her, echoing in her brain.

  You. I would have picked you.

  “I would have picked a man with honor,” she whispered, blinking back sudden tears. “A man with purpose. With goals. A kind man. A good man.”

  “You said I was a good man,” His voice was suddenly low and husky. The rumbling timbre seemed to roll through her bloodstream and settle in her belly. “And I know I mean something to you.”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “The kiss proves it.”

  Felicity turned her face. She should have known he’d come around to that eventually. “The kiss meant nothing to me. And while I appreciate your misguided attempt to help me, you mean nothing to me, either. So go. Go away and find another woman to marry. It is not meant to be.”

  “I’m sorry to disagree with a lady, but I’ve never heard such poppycock in my life.”

  Felicity spun back and found herself caught in Gabriel’s arms. He pulled her a little closer and looked down into her face. Her body tingled at the touch, heating and yearning for everything she had so long told herself she would never have.