All the Best Lines
Page 5
‘That’s funny, that plane’s dustin’ crops where there ain’t no crops.’ Cary Grant runs for his life in North by Northwest (1959).
Enemies
1933 DUCK SOUP
Wisecracking Rufus T. Firefly is introduced to the gorgeous dancer Vera Marcal.
RUFUS T. FIREFLY
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.
Dir: Leo McCarey • Scr: Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, Arthur Sheekman, Nat Perrin • Cast: Groucho Marx (Rufus T. Firefly)
1939 GONE WITH THE WIND
Desperate not to be abandoned, Scarlett asks Rhett what will become of her once he is gone.
SCARLETT
Where shall I go? What shall I do?
RHETT
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Dir: Victor Fleming • Scr: Sidney Howard • Based on a novel by Margaret Mitchell • Cast: Vivien Leigh (Scarlett O’Hara), Clark Gable (Rhett Butler)
Rhett’s final line – ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn’ – was recently voted the greatest ever movie quote by the American Film Institute. The Motion Picture Production Code frowned on profanity and suggested the following substitutes: ‘Frankly, my dear, I just don’t care’; or ‘it makes my gorge rise’; or ‘my indifference is boundless’; or ‘I don’t give a hoot’; or ‘nothing could interest me less’. At the last moment the Code was amended specifically to let the line stand on the tenuous grounds that it was taken from a ‘literary work’.
Astonishingly, the author’s first suggestion for the casting of her male hero was Groucho Marx.
1940 THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
Two shop assistants detest each other, only to fall in love as anonymous pen-pals.
ALFRED
There might be a lot we don’t know about each other. You know, people seldom go to the trouble of scratching the surface of things to find the inner truth.
KLARA
Well, I really wouldn’t care to scratch your surface, Mr Kralik, because I know exactly what I’d find. Instead of a heart, a handbag. Instead of a soul, a suitcase. And instead of an intellect, a cigarette lighter. . . which doesn’t work.
Dir: Ernst Lubitsch • Scr: Samson Raphaelson • Based on a play by Miklós László • Cast: James Stewart (Alfred Kralik), Margaret Sullavan (Klara Novak)
1942 CASABLANCA
Captain Renault, a corrupt official with loyalties to the Nazis, is suspicious of Rick’s presence in neutral Casablanca.
CAPTAIN RENAULT
I have often speculated on why you don’t return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Run off with a senator’s wife? I like to think you killed a man. It’s the romantic in me.
RICK
It was a combination of all three.
CAPTAIN RENAULT
What in heaven’s name brought you to Casablanca?
RICK
My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
CAPTAIN RENAULT
The waters? What waters? We’re in the desert.
RICK
I was misinformed.
Dir: Michael Curtiz • Scr: Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein, Howard Koch • Based on a play by Murray Burnett, Joan Alison • Cast: Claude Rains (Captain Louis Renault), Humphrey Bogart (Rick Blaine)
Warner Brothers originally hoped Ronald Reagan would play the part of Rick, but director Michael Curtiz wanted someone tougher. When the producers approached George Raft (Scarface, Each Dawn I Die) for the role to play alongside Ingrid Bergman, he replied: ‘Whoever heard of Casablanca?’, adding ‘I don’t want to star opposite an unknown Swedish broad.’ Humphrey Bogart was the studio’s seventh choice for their hero.
Bergman’s star quality and beauty were undeniable but her fame did not deter John Gielgud – with whom she appeared in Murder on the Orient Express – from remarking: ‘Poor Ingrid – she speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.’
1942 THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER
Nurse Preen has had enough of her patient’s selfishness and bullying.
NURSE PREEN
I am not only walking out on this case, Mr Whiteside, I am leaving the nursing profession. I became a nurse because all my life, ever since I was a little girl, I was filled with the idea of serving a suffering humanity. After one month with you, Mr Whiteside, I am going to work in a munitions factory. From now on anything I can do to help exterminate the human race will fill me with the greatest of pleasure. If Florence Nightingale had ever nursed you, Mr Whiteside, she would have married Jack the Ripper instead of founding the Red Cross.
Dir: William Keighley • Scr: Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein • Based on a play by George S. Kaufman, Moss Hart • Cast: Mary Wickes (Nurse Preen)
1942 TO BE OR NOT TO BE
Polish actor Joseph Tura pretends to be German Colonel Ehrhardt in order to win the confidence of Nazi agent Siletsky.
TURA
I can’t tell you how delighted we are to have you here.
PROFESSOR SILETSKY
May I say, my dear Colonel, that it’s good to breathe the air of the Gestapo again. You know, you’re quite famous in London, Colonel. They call you ‘Concentration Camp Ehrhardt’.
TURA
Ha ha. Yes, yes. . . we do the concentrating and the Poles do the camping.
Dir: Ernst Lubitsch • Scr: Edwin Justus Mayer • Based on a story by Melchior Lengyel • Cast: Jack Benny (Joseph Tura), Stanley Ridges (Professor Alexander Siletsky)
1944 LAURA
A newspaper columnist considers his fearsome reputation.
LYDECKER
I don’t use a pen. I write with a goose quill dipped in venom.
Dir: Otto Preminger • Scr: Jay Dratler, Samuel Hoffenstein, Elizabeth Reinhardt • Based on a novel by Vera Caspary • Cast: Clifton Webb (Waldo Lydecker)
1947 THE LADY FROM SHANGHAI
Arthur tries to evade a killer – his wife – in a carnival hall of mirrors.
ARTHUR
You’d be foolish to fire that gun. With these mirrors, it’s difficult to tell. You are aiming at me, aren’t you? I’m aiming at you, lover. Of course, killing you is killing myself. It’s the same thing. But you know, I’m pretty tired of both of us.
Dir: Orson Welles • Scr: Orson Welles • Based on a novel by Sherwood King • Cast: Everett Sloane (Arthur Bannister)
Welles only agreed to direct the film to get himself out of a financial jam. His Mercury Theatre company was opening a musical version of Around the World in 80 Days in Boston and at the eleventh hour the costumes had been impounded. Urgently in need of $55,000 [$575,000] to release them, Welles cabled producer Harry Cohn and told him about the novel on which The Lady from Shanghai was based, promising that if he cabled the cash to Boston within two hours Welles would make the film for him. Cohn agreed on the spot.
1949 ADAM’S RIB
Lawyer Amanda Bonner questions an unrepentant defendant.
AMANDA
And after you shot your husband. . . how did you feel?
DORIS
Hungry.
Dir: George Cukor • Scr: Ruth Gordon, Garson Kanin • Cast: Katharine Hepburn (Amanda Bonner), Judy Holliday (Doris Attinger)
Encouraged by her parents to be ambitious and self-reliant, Katharine Hepburn was known for her outspoken remarks. After shooting A Bill of Divorcement (1932), she told her co-star John Barrymore: ‘Thank goodness I don’t have to act with you any more.’ Barrymore reputedly replied: ‘I didn’t know you ever had, darling.’
1949 WHITE HEAT
Escaping from jail, Cody Jarrett abducts a prisoner who betrayed him earlier.
PARKER
You wouldn’t kill me in cold blood, would you?
JARRETT
No, I’ll let you warm up a little.
Dir: Raoul Walsh • Scr: Ivan Goff, Ben Roberts • Based on a story by Virginia Kellogg • Cast: Paul Guilfoyle (Roy Parker), James Cagney
(Cody Jarrett)
1950 ALL ABOUT EVE
Theatre star Margo Channing takes Eve Harrington, an aspiring actress, under her wing. Throwing a party one night, she realizes her protégée’s ambitions threaten her own eminence.
MARGO
Fasten your seatbelts — it’s going to be a bumpy night.
Dir: Joseph L. Mankiewicz • Scr: Joseph L. Mankiewicz • Based on a short story by Mary Orr • Cast: Bette Davis (Margo Channing)
1950 SUNSET BOULEVARD
Screenwriter Joe Gillis is not happy to see Betty, the studio reader who turned down his latest script.
BETTY
I’ve been hoping to run into you.
JOE
What for? To recover that knife you stuck in my back?
Dir: Billy Wilder • Scr: Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder, D. M. Marshman Jr • Cast: Nancy Olson (Betty Schaefer), William Holden (Joe Gillis)
‘I AM BIG. IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL’
Sunset Boulevard, made when Hollywood’s golden age was waning in the face of television’s popularity and the influx of bolder European films, attracted keen interest even before it started shooting. Because the story portrays a venal industry, egotistical stars and heartless producers, Wilder and co-writer Charles Brackett gave the project the name ‘A Can of Beans’ to deflect attention. Fearful of interference from censors and the studio itself, they handed them the script piecemeal as the scenes were finished in the hope that the full impact of the story might be softened.
If its depiction of a fading self-obsessed star were not metaphor enough for the decline of the industry, the production itself was filled with delicious ironies and larger-than-life episodes. Gloria Swanson, a legend in her silent days, was willing to play the role of Norma Desmond, but felt herself too grand to audition; director and friend George Cukor was convinced it would be an extraordinary opportunity, and told her: ‘If they want you to do ten screen tests, do ten screen tests. If you don’t, I will personally shoot you.’
Down-on-his-luck screenwriter Joe Gillis was played by William Holden, whose career had recently suffered a string of flops and a period of heavy drinking; Erich von Stroheim, a top director and actor from the 1920s, was Max, Desmond’s butler, driver and projectionist, and on one occasion screens a picture of his in which Swanson actually starred (Queen Kelly, 1929). Even the publicity photos of the young Norma Desmond seen throughout her mansion are genuine stills from Swanson’s own career.
Wilder persuaded plenty of other industry figures to play cameos, including Buster Keaton and gossip columnist Hedda Hopper. Cecil B. DeMille, the first great American director, also plays himself in a brief but vital role. He agreed to shoot his scene for $10,000 [$95,000] and a Cadillac, but when Wilder called him back later to get a further close-up DeMille demanded the same fee again.
All of the actors deliver lines bitterly appropriate to their own experiences:
JOE: Funny how gentle people get with you once you’re dead.
NORMA: I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.
CECIL B. DEMILLE: A dozen press agents working overtime can do terrible things to the human spirit.
Despite the sensitive personal dynamics on set, Wilder remained his mischievous self. On one occasion, William Holden’s wife paid a visit to the studio just as Holden was required to kiss actress Nancy Olson passionately. Wilder knew he had a perfectly good performance on the first take but made them repeat it and refused to call ‘Cut!’ until Mrs Holden – after several uncomfortable minutes – did so. When Norma Desmond first finds Gillis in her house, she assumes he must be an undertaker who has come to take away her recently deceased pet chimpanzee. Wilder was subsequently asked the meaning of this cryptic encounter and breezily replied: ‘Don’t you understand? Before Gillis came along, Desmond was fucking the monkey.’
At the end of the film Desmond descends her grand staircase and delivers the famous line ‘All right, Mr DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up’, mistaking the reporters and policemen for newsreel cameramen and adoring fans. Swanson was so moved by this that when the scene was finished she burst into tears. Wilder remained unimpressed; when interviewers later asked him whether the final dissolve was deliberately ambiguous he replied: ‘I have no idea! All I know is that she’s meshuggah [crazy], that’s all. That’s the end.’
The picture was a huge hit, winning three Oscars, and in 1989 was among the first group of films deemed ‘culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant’ by the Library of Congress.
1952 SINGIN’IN THE RAIN
Actor Don Lockwood does not return his co-star Lina Lamont’s affections.
LINA
Oh Donny! You couldn’t kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy bit!
DON
Meet the greatest actor in the world! I’d rather kiss a tarantula.
LINA
You don’t mean that.
DON
I don’t? Hey Joe, get me a tarantula.
Dir: Stanley Donen, Gene Kelly • Scr: Adolph Green, Betty Comden • Cast: Jean Hagen (Lina Lamont), Gene Kelly (Don Lockwood)
1952 THE QUIET MAN
A bullying landowner takes against a man who tries to buy a local property.
‘RED’ WILL DANAHER
He’ll regret it to his dying day. . . if he lives that long.
Dir: John Ford • Scr: Frank S. Nugent • Based on a story by Maurice Walsh • Cast: Victor McLaglen (‘Red’ Will Danaher)
1955 BAD DAY AT BLACK ROCK
A traveller finds himself threatened by the inhabitants of a town with secrets to hide.
CAFÉ PROPRIETOR
What’ll you have?
MACREEDY
What’ve you got?
CAFÉ PROPRIETOR
Chilli and beans.
MACREEDY
Anything else?
CAFÉ PROPRIETOR
Chilli without beans.
Dir: John Sturges • Scr: Millard Kaufman, Don McGuire • Based on a story by Howard Breslin • Cast: Spencer Tracy (John J. Macreedy), Walter Sande (Café Proprietor)
1961 WEST SIDE STORY
Maria confronts the Sharks, a neighbourhood gang who killed her boyfriend.
MARIA
How do you fire this gun, Chino? By pulling this little trigger? How many bullets are left, Chino? Enough for you? Or you? All of you! You all killed him. And my brother. And Riff. Not with bullets and knives — with hate. Well, I can kill now too because now I have hate. How many can I kill, Chino? How many — and still have one bullet left for me?
Dir: Jerome Robbins, Robert Wise • Scr: Ernest Lehman, Arthur Laurents • Based on a play by Jerome Robbins, Stephen Sondheim • Cast: Natalie Wood (Maria)
The choreography for the musical numbers was so energetic that the boys’ trousers had to be specially sewn with elastic seams. The song ‘I Feel Pretty’ in the original stage show contains the lyrics ‘I feel pretty and witty and bright / And I pity / Any girl who isn’t me tonight.’ For production reasons the scene could not be shot when it was dark, so the words were changed to ‘I feel pretty and witty and gay / And I pity / Any girl who isn’t me today.’
The film was the first to win an Academy Award for joint directors.
1964 CARRY ON CLEO
The Emperor Julius Caesar realizes he is surrounded by traitors.
CAESAR
Infamy, infamy. They’ve all got it in for me!
Dir: Gerald Thomas • Scr: Talbot Rothwell • Cast: Kenneth Williams (Julius Caesar)
The cheeky historical comedy was shot on the sets left behind from the multimillion-dollar production of Cleopatra (1963), starring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Adding insult to injury, the producers of Carry on Cleo also closely copied the epic’s poster design – and were promptly sued.
INCLUDE ME OUT
Producer Samuel Goldwyn (1879–1974) was born in Poland as Schmuel Gelbfisz but on arriving in America aged twenty took the name Samuel Goldfish, a simple
translation from the original. Although he was responsible for numerous hits (The Best Years of Our Lives, Wuthering Heights, Guys and Dolls) his greatest fame came as a result of his headstrong outbursts and legendary malapropisms.
Some Goldwynisms have been verifiably documented, others misquoted or misattributed, and in some cases even duplicated. When he bought the rights to The Well of Loneliness and a colleague warned him that the book was about lesbians, he was said to have replied: ‘That’s all right, we’ll make them Hungarians.’ However, the same story circulates about The Children’s Hour, with Goldwyn suggesting the lesbians became Armenians.
Goldwyn’s claim that ‘a verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on’ is delightful but skewed; what he actually said was: ‘his verbal contract is worth more than the paper it’s written on’. Charlie Chaplin fought to persuade the world that he, not Goldwyn, once said: ‘In two words: im-possible.’
Perhaps the true sign of fame is that the myths loom larger than the truths. When he was told that his eponym had been officially listed in a dictionary, he was furious to discover he had a reputation for putting his foot in it and immediately planted another: ‘Goldwynisms? They should talk to Jesse Lasky!’
Whether the following are true or not, who could wish to doubt they were ever really uttered?
• Include me out.
• I’m willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.
• Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
• When you’re a star, you have to take the bitter with the sour.
• What we need now is some new, fresh clichés.