All the Best Lines

by George Tiffin

  Screenwriters, directors and actors for fifty years have responded to the challenge of portraying this enigmatic figure, yet audiences remain determined to champion a man whose humour remains as dry as his martinis:

  BOND: It’s just the right size — for me, that is.

  From Russia With Love (1963)

  BOND: Something big’s come up.

  Goldfinger (1964)

  BOND: I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up.

  Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

  PLENTY O’TOOLE: Hi, I’m Plenty.

  BOND: But of course you are.

  PLENTY O’TOOLE: Plenty O’Toole.

  BOND: Named after your father perhaps?

  Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

  BOND: Miss Anders! I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.

  The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

  BOND: Just keeping the British end up.

  The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

  BOND: When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.

  The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

  MINISTER OF DEFENCE: My God, what’s Bond doing?

  Q: I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.

  Moonraker (1979)

  BOND: You appear tense. . . That’s too bad. Going down, one should always be relaxed.

  Never Say Never Again (1983)

  FATIMA BLUSH: Oh, how reckless of me. I made you all wet.

  BOND: Yes, but my martini is still dry. My name is James.

  Never Say Never Again (1983)

  BOND: Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.

  JENNY FLEX: Yes, I love an early morning ride.

  BOND: Well, I’m an early riser myself.

  A View to a Kill (1985)

  XENIA ONATOPP: You don’t need the gun, Commander.

  BOND: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

  GoldenEye (1995)

  MISS MONEYPENNY: You know, this sort of behaviour could qualify as sexual harassment.

  BOND: Really. What’s the penalty for that?

  MISS MONEYPENNY: Someday, you’ll have to make good on your innuendos.

  GoldenEye (1995)

  BOND: I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.

  MONEYPENNY: You always were a cunning linguist, James.

  Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

  BOND: I was wrong about you.

  CHRISTMAS JONES: Yeah, how so?

  BOND: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.

  The World Is Not Enough (1999)

  1965 DARLING

  Robert has fallen in love with headstrong model Diana but is frustrated that she continues to have affairs.

  ROBERT

  Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.

  Dir: John Schlesinger • Scr: Frederic Raphael • Cast: Dirk Bogarde (Robert Gold)

  1967 THE GRADUATE

  An older woman tries to seduce her daughter’s boyfriend.

  MRS ROBINSON

  Sit down, Benjamin.

  BENJAMIN

  If you don’t mind my saying so — this conversation is getting a little strange. Now I’m sure that Mr Robinson will be here any minute and —

  MRS ROBINSON

  No.

  BENJAMIN

  What?

  MRS ROBINSON

  My husband will be back quite late.

  She makes her meaning clearer:

  He should be gone for several hours.

  She moves towards him.

  BENJAMIN

  Oh my God.

  MRS ROBINSON

  Pardon?

  BENJAMIN

  Oh no, Mrs Robinson, oh no.

  MRS ROBINSON

  What’s wrong?

  BENJAMIN

  Mrs Robinson, you didn’t — I mean you didn’t expect –

  MRS ROBINSON

  What?

  BENJAMIN

  I mean — you didn’t really think that I would do something like that.

  MRS ROBINSON

  Like what?

  BENJAMIN

  What do you think?

  MRS ROBINSON

  Well, I don’t know.

  BENJAMIN

  For God’s sake, Mrs Robinson, here we are, you’ve got me into your house. You give me a drink. You put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won’t be home for hours.

  MRS ROBINSON

  So?

  BENJAMIN

  Mrs Robinson — you are trying to seduce me.

  He hesitates. She holds his gaze.

  Aren’t you?

  Dir: Mike Nichols • Scr: Calder Willingham, Buck Henry • Based on a novel by Charles Webb • Cast: Anne Bancroft (Mrs Robinson), Dustin Hoffman (Benjamin Braddock)

  Mel Brooks had already cast Dustin Hoffman in his upcoming film The Producers and only let Hoffman audition for The Graduate because he was convinced the actor would never be right for the role of Benjamin. Hoffman got the part, and was bemused to find himself starring opposite Anne Bancroft – Mel Brooks’s wife.

  1970 MYRA BRECKINRIDGE

  Leticia, a libidinous seventy-year-old, runs a casting agency ‘for leading men’.

  LETICIA

  How tall are you, son?

  ACTOR

  Ma’am, I’m six feet seven inches.

  LETICIA

  Never mind about the six feet. Let’s talk about the seven inches.

  Dir: Michael Sarne • Scr: Michael Sarne, David Giler • Based on a novel by Gore Vidal • Cast: Mae West (Leticia Van Allen), Cal Bartlett (Actor)

  1970 BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

  Porn star Ashley St Ives takes a shine to the manager of a rock band.

  ASHLEY

  You’re a groovy boy. I’d like to strap you on sometime.

  Dir: Russ Meyer • Scr: Russ Meyer, Roger Ebert • Cast: Edy Williams (Ashley St Ives)

  Director Russ Meyer trained as a cameraman in the US Army and some of the footage he shot during the Second World War can be seen in Patton (1970). He hoped to pursue a career as a cinematographer in Hollywood but strict union rules debarred him from membership, so he turned his hand to directing and developed a cult following for his cheerfully sleazy pictures. Defending his reputation as a salacious storyteller, he said: ‘Nothing is obscene providing it is done in bad taste.’

  1977 LOOKING FOR MR GOODBAR

  A bartender shares his views on drinking with a customer.

  BARTENDER

  Confidentially, with me. . . one’s too many and a million’s not enough.

  THERESA

  I got the same problem with men.

  Dir: Richard Brooks • Scr: Richard Brooks • Based on a novel by Judith Rossner • Cast: Eddie Garrett (Bartender), Diane Keaton (Theresa Dunn)

  1979 ALL THAT JAZZ

  Two showgirls commiserate after an open casting call.

  DANCER BACKSTAGE 1

  Fuck him! He never picks me!

  DANCER BACKSTAGE 2

  Honey, I did fuck him and he never picks me either.

  Dir: Bob Fosse • Scr: Robert Alan Aurthur, Bob Fosse • Cast: uncredited

  1980 DRESSED TO KILL

  Call girl Liz finds herself attracted to a psychiatrist who may hold the answer to an unsolved murder.

  LIZ

  Do you want to fuck me?

  DR ELLIOTT

  Oh, yes.

  LIZ

  Then why don’t you?

  DR ELLIOTT

  Because I’m a doctor and...

  LIZ

  Fucked a lot of doctors.

  DR ELLIOTT

  . . . and I’m married.

  LIZ

  Fucked a lot of them, too.

  Dir: Brian De Palma • Scr: Brian De Palma • Cast: Nancy Allen (Liz Blake), Michael Caine (Dr Robert Elliott)

  1981 BODY HEAT

  NED

  Maybe you shouldn’t dress like that.<
br />
  MATTY

  This is a blouse and a skirt. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  NED

  You shouldn’t wear that body.

  Dir: Lawrence Kasdan • Scr: Lawrence Kasdan • Cast: William Hurt (Ned Racine), Kathleen Turner (Matty Walker)

  William Hurt and Kathleen Turner wanted to make sure the crew didn’t feel bashful when they filmed their love scenes, so to break the ice they introduced themselves to everyone on the set – naked.

  1983 GORKY PARK

  A Moscow black marketeer is accused of providing prostitutes for visitors.

  GOLODKIN

  Girls like screwing foreigners, don’t they? It’s almost as good as travel.

  Dir: Michael Apted • Scr: Dennis Potter • Based on a novel by Martin Cruz Smith • Cast: Alexei Sayle (Golodkin)

  1983 NOSTALGIA (NOSTALGHIA)

  Eugenia is unsure why she feels attracted to her married colleague Andrei.

  EUGENIA

  You’re the kind of man I’d sleep with rather than explain why I don’t feel like it.

  Dir: Andrei Tarkovsky • Scr: Tonino Guerra, Andrei Tarkovsky • Cast: Domiziana Giordano (Eugenia)

  Tarkovsky’s first film shot outside the Soviet Union had to be awarded a special prize at the Cannes Festival in 1983 because the Soviet authorities had forbidden him to accept the prestigious Palme D’Or.

  1988 WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

  Despite her curvaceous figure, cartoon character Jessica Rabbit knows how to sound bashful.

  JESSICA RABBIT

  I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.

  Dir: Robert Zemeckis • Scr: Jeffrey Price, Peter S. Seaman • Based on a novel by Gary K. Wolf • Cast: Kathleen Turner (voice of Jessica Rabbit)

  Bob Hoskins (starring opposite Jessica Rabbit) had to act with cut-outs and dummies representing the cartoon characters who had yet to be drawn for the film. He studied his young daughter to learn how to interact with imaginary friends but found the whole experience so disorienting that he began to suffer hallucinations.

  The film offers cameos for many of cinema’s most memorable animated characters, including Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Pluto, Donald Duck, Goofy, the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf, Snow White and all seven dwarfs, Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket, Dumbo, Bambi, Chicken Little, Peter and the Wolf, Tinker Bell from Peter Pan, the penguins from Mary Poppins, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Tweety, Sylvester, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, Speedy Gonzales, Betty Boop and Woody Woodpecker.

  AS SOON AS I GET THE REWRITE

  Awarding the 2003 Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay, Steve Martin quipped: ‘I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page eighty-seven.’ Screenwriters may be the unsung heroes of their own jokes but they are under no illusion about the way their talents are viewed by the industry:

  Did you hear about the dumb but ambitious starlet?

  She slept with the screenwriter.

  The screenwriter of a Frank Capra comedy was watching a TV interview with the great director. An awestruck female reporter was heaping praise on a passage from the writer’s script, and Frank explained the scene’s charm by saying: ‘That’s the Capra touch.’ The reporter continued to praise scenes in many other Capra movies. In each case the director’s comment was: ‘That’s the Capra touch.’ The writer responsible for the script couldn’t take it any more so he stuffed 120 blank sheets of paper in an envelope and sent the package to the director with the note: ‘Put the Capra touch on this.’

  Q. How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  A. Does it really need to be changed?

  Q. How many development executives does it take to change a light bulb?

  A. One – but does it have to be a light bulb?

  Q. How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

  A. Ten.

  1st draft: Hero changes light bulb.

  2nd draft: Villain changes light bulb.

  3rd draft: Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.

  4th draft: Cut the light bulb.

  5th draft: Reinstate light bulb. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.

  6th draft: Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero’s mentor.

  7th draft: Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.

  8th draft: Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.

  9th draft: Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn’t change it.

  10th draft: Hero changes light bulb.

  Q. How many agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  A. Three – one to screw it in, and two to hold down the screenwriter.

  A screenwriter dies and is given the choice of going to heaven or to hell, so she decides to visit each place first. As she enters the satanic realms she sees a thousand writers shackled to their typewriters in a fiery furnace being lashed by overseers.

  Shocked, she leaves and sets out to inspect heaven. There, she discovers another thousand writers chained to the same typewriters and receiving the same whipping. Turning to an angel, she says in surprise: ‘But this is just the same as hell!’

  The angel replies: ‘Sure, but here your script goes into production.’

  Two development execs meet in the hallway. One says, ‘Hey, what’s cooking?’ The second one, extremely excited, replies, ‘I just bought this script. It’s the most perfect piece of writing I’ve ever seen. Characters, story, everything about it is A1. Academy Award time.’

  ‘That’s fantastic,’ says the first one, dripping with envy. ‘So when do you go into production?’

  ‘As soon as I get the rewrite.’

  1988 BULL DURHAM

  A baseball groupie confesses she likes to read poetry to her lovers.

  ANNIE

  A guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.

  Dir: Ron Shelton • Scr: Ron Shelton • Cast: Susan Sarandon (Annie Savoy)

  1988 WORKING GIRL

  Tess is determined to stay true to herself in a tough corporate world.

  TESS

  I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?

  Dir: Mike Nichols • Scr: Kevin Wade • Cast: Melanie Griffith (Tess McGill)

  1990 WILD AT HEART

  Lula makes no attempt to hide her passion for her lover.

  LULA

  Uh oh. . . Baby, you’d better get me back to that hotel. You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt.

  Dir: David Lynch • Scr: David Lynch • Based on a novel by Barry Gifford • Cast: Laura Dern (Lula Pace Fortune)

  1994 THE LAST SEDUCTION

  When Linda first meets Mike she makes her wishes crystal clear.

  BRIDGET

  You’re my designated fuck.

  MIKE

  Designated fuck? Do they make cards for that? What if I want to be more than your designated fuck?

  BRIDGET

  Then I’ll designate someone else.

  Dir: John Dahl • Scr: Steve Barancik • Cast: Linda Fiorentino (Bridget Gregory), Peter Berg (Mike Swale)

  1998 DANGEROUS BEAUTY

  A courtesan in sixteenth-century Venice defends herself against the hypocrisy of her interrogators.

  VERONICA

  I confess that as a young girl I loved a man who would not marry me for want of a dowry. I confess I had a mother who taught me a different way of life, one I resisted at first but learned to embrace. I confess I became a courtesan, traded yearning for power, welcomed many rather than be owned by one. I confess I embraced a whore’s freedom over a wife’s obedience. I confess I find more ecstasy in passion than in prayer. Such passion is prayer. I confess I pray still to feel the touch of my lover’s lips, his hands upon me, his arms enfolding me. . . Such surrender has been mine. I confess I pray still to be filled and inflamed. To melt into the dream of us, beyond this troubled place, to where we are
not even ourselves. To know that always, this is mine. If this had not been mine — if I had lived any other way — a child to her husband’s will, my soul hardened from lack of touch and lack of love. . . I confess such endless days and nights would be a punishment far greater than you could ever mete out. You, all of you, you who hunger so for what I give, yet cannot bear to see that kind of power in a woman. You call God’s greatest gift — ourselves, our yearning, our need to love — you call it filth and sin and heresy. . . I repent there was no other way open to me. I do not repent my life.

  Dir: Marshall Herskovitz • Scr: Jeannine Dominy • Based on a book by Margaret Rosenthal • Cast: Catherine McCormack (Veronica Franco)

  2001 Y TU MAMÁ TAMBIÉN

  A young woman encourages her lover to approach her tenderly.

  LUISA

  You have to make the clitoris your best friend.

  TENOCH

  What kind of friend is always hiding?

  Dir: Alfonso Cuarón • Scr: Alfonso Cuarón, Carlos Cuarón • Cast: Maribel Verdú (Luisa Cortés), Diego Luna (Tenoch Iturbide)

  The Mexican film was released in most countries with its original title. Its literal translation (And Your Mother Too) fails to convey its common usage as a retort to a wide range of insults.

  2001 WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

  Katie leaves her summer camp admirer in no doubt about his prospects as her boyfriend.

  KATIE

  Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that’s great. But I’ve thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don’t get me wrong, you’re cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He’s gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don’t care that he’s kinda lame. I don’t even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I’m sixteen. And maybe it’ll be a different story when I’m ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that’s where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.