A Little Too Much

by Lisa Desrochers

  “Just keep walking, asshole!” I yell at his back.

  He doesn’t turn around. The only indication he heard me is the way his purposeful stride stalls for a beat before he does exactly what I told him to do.

  I lean back against the building and tip my head up, staring at the overcast sky, waiting for my heart rate to slow to the noncoronary inducing range. But when I push off the building, I see Alessandro striding back toward me, looking like he’s on a mission. He’s almost on top of me before I know it.

  “What do you want from me, Hilary?”

  There’s an angry edge to his words that makes me furious. He has no right to be pissed at me. “I want you to go back to Rome or Corsica or wherever the hell you came from and leave me alone.”

  His jaw tightens and something passes over his face as he works to contain whatever it is that he wants to say.

  “Why the hell did you come back here anyway?” I spit.

  He throws his hands in the air and spins, pacing away from me in the direction he came. But then he turns back and looks at me with hard charcoal eyes. “I don’t know! I don’t know why I do anything anymore! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to make this right,” he says, flinging his arm between us. “I don’t know how to fix any of it.”

  He finishes his rant by dropping his chin to his chest and rubbing his forehead, and that’s when I realize it’s not me he’s pissed at. He’s angry with himself. Very angry, based on the way his face twisted in disgust as he said that.

  I catch myself feeling sorry that I yelled at him, but then I stop. I’m not going to feel sorry for him. After everything, he’s got no right to my sympathy. “Just go home, Alessandro,” I say, turning for the subway.

  I hoof it up Ludlow Street as fast as I can in my killer heels . . . which isn’t all that fast. I hate that I’m wearing them. I hate that I’m wearing this whole outfit. What was I even thinking? This was such a stupid plan.

  Despite my vow not to look back, I do as I round the corner onto Broome, toward the Grand Street station, and see Alessandro following behind, half a block back. I start walking faster, but I’ve only gotten to the end of the first building when someone says, “Hey!” from very close by.

  I turn and see a pair of white kids, maybe eighteen or nineteen, hanging in a dark doorway. One of them has his hoodie up, shadowing his face, a lit cigarette pinched between his thumb and finger, all dark and brooding. The other one is a tall, blond, grinning fool.

  The blond kid steps out of the doorway. His eyes rake over me and I pull my jacket closed. “You looking for a good time?”

  I am so not in the mood for this. “I am so far out of your league, honey, that you wouldn’t have the first clue what to do with me.”

  The one with the cigarette glares at me, but the blond laughs. “I’m sure we could think of a thing or two.”

  “Not in this lifetime.” I start moving again, but the kid with the cigarette springs like a snake and grabs me. I start to scream, but I fall off my heels as he spins me against the door in the alcove and pins me with his body. He slaps a hand over my mouth and holds his cigarette ash up to my face, just an inch from my cheek. “You scream again, you fucking whore, and I’ll take your fucking eye,” he hisses.

  “Dude!” the blond kid says. “Chill. She’ll do it.” He looks at me, his eyes wide and pleading. “We’ve got money. How much do you charge?”

  They think I’m a hooker. Perfect.

  With the other kid’s hand over my mouth, it’s not like I’m going to answer. I just glare at him.

  “You’re going to want to let the girl go.”

  I can’t see Alessandro, but there’s no mistaking the voice. The attention of the kid holding me snaps to his friend, who’s staring, wide-eyed, at where I’m sure Alessandro is standing, just around the corner of the alcove, out of my line of sight.

  “Dude,” the blond kid says again to his friend without taking his eyes off Alessandro. “Let her go.”

  He doesn’t. He presses the cigarette closer to my eye. “You’re going to want to mind your own fucking business, man.”

  Alessandro steps into view, just a few feet from the blond kid, and, if looks could kill, the kid holding me would be vaporized. His face is dark and tight, his laser gaze trained on the kid with the cigarette. His hands twitch at his sides and he’s got that half-crazy look Lorenzo always had, like he’s coiled tight, ready to snap.

  The blond splits a glance between Alessandro and his buddy, then takes off at a sprint. The dark-haired kid’s grip on me loosens as he watches his friend bolt. The momentary distraction is all I need. I bring my knee up hard into his crotch and he cries out and falls to his hands and knees, holding his junk. It only takes him a second to find his feet and he staggers off.

  Alessandro steps into the alcove, the rage in his dark gaze giving way to panic. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine,” I spit. “I had things under control, you know? I didn’t need you to save me. I’ve never needed you to save me.”

  He winces and I close my eyes against the unwelcome memory.

  Alessandro holding me. Wiping my tears.

  “I’ve never needed you,” I repeat, disgusted by the tears I feel pricking the backs of my eyes. I am not going to cry in front of him—or anyone—ever again.

  He picks up my shoes and lays them on the sidewalk at my feet. “Let me take you home.”

  I step into them and start walking, ignoring him as best I can. But I don’t stop him when he keeps stride with me.

  I know I told Alessandro I didn’t need him, but I’m not sure it’s true. That whole thing shook me up—though I’ll never admit it to him. My heart is racing, and adrenaline is still pouring into my bloodstream. I force myself not to shake, or blow out a nervous breath, or show any signs of weakness as we walk the three blocks to the subway. We wait in silence for the D train, then climb on. It’s not until I stand to make the transfer at Columbus Circle twenty minutes later that I think to ask. “Where do you live?”

  He follows me off the train onto the platform. “West Village.”

  “You’re going the wrong way.”

  The hint of a smile flits over lips that I’m just now realizing are full and red and perfect. “I know.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to know you’re safely home.”

  I just stand here on the platform, staring at him, as the train whooshes past and disappears into the tunnel.

  “Why?”

  His eyes narrow with his confusion. “I just—”

  “No. I mean . . . why all of it?” I say, flicking my wrist at him. “Why did you find me? Why did you agree to come out tonight? Why are you even bothering with me?”

  He catches his lips between his teeth, thinking. Finally, he blows out a breath and scratches the back of his head. “You meant something to me, Hilary. You were important to me once. I just needed to know you were okay. I needed to see for myself.” He shakes his head. “You were never supposed to know I was here.”

  God, I wish I didn’t know he was here. I narrow my eyes at him and spin for the stairs, feeling all my anger bubbling up and spilling over. How could he possibly think he could know how broken I am just by looking? I’ve spent eight years learning to hide it. “And am I? Do I have your stamp of approval?”

  He stops me with a hand on my arm. “That’s not what I meant.” His voice is soft, and when I spin to face him, the look in his eye tugs at my heart—sends me eight years into my past. Tears press at the backs of my eyes again, and damn him.

  “I’m going to catch the one,” I say, waving an arm up the concourse toward my train. “You should head back.”

  His eyes scan me again, lingering over my legs. He bites the corner of his lower lip and looks up at my face. “I’d like to see you again sometime when we can talk.”

  “You always wanted to talk,” I grumble opening my bag and rooting through it for a piece of gum. When I find one and look up at him, h
is expression is tight. Guarded.

  He reaches up to scratch the back of his head . . . again. One of his childhood tells. So they’re not all gone. “There are a lot of things that need to be said.”

  “When?”

  His eyes flick over me again. “Let me buy you lunch. What’s your favorite restaurant?”

  He wants to take me out? No one’s taken me out for a really long time. “Luigi’s.”

  He nods. “I’ll meet you there at one.”

  He keeps stride with me as we walk to my platform and my anger starts to ebb a little. When we get there, I look at him. “Thanks.”

  His eyes widen a little, surprised, I guess, after my snippiness. “For what?”

  I gesture vaguely at the platform. “This.”

  His face darkens as his lips press into a line. “Don’t thank me, Hilary.”

  The train comes and I climb on. The doors close and I watch Alessandro disappear as the train whisks me away. I settle into a seat near the door and lean my head back into the wall panel, closing my eyes.

  I remember how everything changed for me with Alessandro. He was the first person in years who seemed to really care about me. He never hurt me. He kissed me on the mouth and he touched me so gently. He was sweet and tender . . . and I started to trust him. Then I started to need him.

  And then he left.

  I feel the sucking wound in my chest open up again as if it was just yesterday. As if I haven’t spent the last eight years forcing myself to forget it and move on.

  But I have moved on. And I can never go back.

  Chapter Six

  LUIGI’S IS ALWAYS packed and there’s only, like, eight tables, but we luck into a party that had two of them stuck together just leaving, so we and the couple waiting ahead of us score seats near the window.

  “So what are we talking about today?” I ask once we’re settled and the waiter has taken our drink order.

  “You.”

  I huff out a laugh. “Then it’s going to be a short conversation.”

  He rubs his forehead, then leans on his elbows and looks at me with weary eyes. “I have been haunted for eight years, Hilary. There’s not a day that’s passed that I haven’t wondered about you.”

  I feel my armor going back up and the claws coming out as I glare across the table at him. He has no idea what it means to be haunted. “I told you. I’m fine.”

  “I have to know . . .” The skin around his eyes tightens but he doesn’t break my gaze. “Did Lorenzo rape you?”

  I actually laugh out loud. “That’s what this is about? You think you owe me something to make up for your brother?”

  He just looks at me, because I didn’t answer the question.

  “No, Alessandro. He didn’t rape me.”

  Over Alessandro’s shoulder, I see the woman sitting behind him turn and look at me.

  “I know I can’t fix it if he did, but there are resources—”

  “He didn’t rape me,” I say again, lower but more slowly so he’ll hear it. Lorenzo was never the problem. I didn’t care about him enough for him to have the power to really hurt me. I pick up the menu and flip it open, refusing to look the person who did in the eye. “Are we getting pizza or what?”

  Alessandro blows out a sigh and the storm on his face subsides slowly. “What do you like?” he asks, and it feels ten degrees cooler when his laser-beam gaze lowers from me to his menu.

  “Veggies, mostly. And pepperoni.”

  The waiter comes back with our iced teas and sets them in front of us, and my eyes are drawn to Alessandro’s arms as he reaches across and takes my menu. As I follow the veins in his forearm, coursing over long, lean muscles to the rolled-up sleeve of his button-down, I catch myself envisioning that perfection all the way up, covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he punched the bag at the gym.

  “Are you ready to order?” the waiter asks, snapping me from my fantasy.

  Alessandro hands him our menus. “We’ll have a large veggie combo with pepperoni.”

  The waiter scribbles on his pad, then takes the menus. “Salads?”

  “Antipasto for two, I think,” he says with a questioning glance at me.

  “Fine,” I say, squeezing lemon into my tea.

  As I watch the waiter take our order to the computer and key it in, I feel Alessandro’s eyes on me again, but I’m not ready to look at him yet.

  “I need to know what happened to you after we left,” he says, suddenly intense.

  No you don’t. I narrow my eyes at him. “Why?”

  There’s a long minute where he doesn’t answer.

  “Listen, Alessandro, I know you have this whole major guilt thing happening,” I say, waving a hand in a circle at him, “but that’s not really my problem, you know? I’m seriously okay. Everybody has shit they need to deal with. I’ve dealt with mine. My life is really good. As a matter of fact, it’s great. So at this point, the only thing you could do to make my life better would be to score me a part on Broadway.”

  His eyebrows go up. “Broadway . . . ?”

  I twirl my straw in my tea. “I’m hoping to score a part in a musical. I have an amazing voice.”

  A smile twitches his lips and a little of the tension that’s always there runs out of his shoulders. “I remember.”

  I just stare at him as it all comes flooding back.

  It was only a week after Lorenzo and Alessandro had shown up at the group home. We were all in the basement “rec room” where there was a radio and a TV with a broken Xbox. I was curled up on a sticky overstuffed chair and Lorenzo and Eric were sprawled on the sagging couch getting stoned. Two girls, Hannah and Trish, who were like sixteen I think, had smeared on heavy makeup with tons of eye shadow and liner and were doing a fashion show. They’d cranked the radio and were shimmying around to Beyonce’s “Naughty Girl,” stripping off clothes they’d bought at the Salvation Army store until they were all the way down to tiny bikinis. Lorenzo and Eric were watching and catcalling. I remember Alessandro sitting on the floor in the corner. He was doodling something on a pad of paper, but he was also watching.

  The black one . . . Trish, I think . . . or maybe it was Hannah, told me to go put on my bikini, but I didn’t have one so I just shook my head.

  “Dumb bitch,” she said, turning to the boys and grinding her hips in a circle.

  “No guts no glory,” the other one said as she slid onto Eric’s lap.

  I had guts, I just didn’t have a bikini, so I stood up and started belting out “Naughty Girl” with Beyonce like my life depended on it.

  Looking back, it was pretty bad, but later that day, when were eating dinner, Alessandro slipped into the seat next to me, which he’d never done before. “You have a good voice,” he’d murmured, without looking at me.

  They were the first words he ever said to me.

  I look down at the table, pulling a napkin from the dispenser for something to do, pissed that he can make me feel this stupid with just two words. “Yeah, well . . . I’m better now.”

  “You were exceptional then, so I can only imagine.”

  I don’t know if he’s messing with me or not, but all of a sudden, I wish I hadn’t come here. I’ve spent the last week and a half pretending like his showing up out of nowhere didn’t shake me to my core—like it didn’t mater. I wish I could just forget that he ever came back. But I can’t.

  Our waiter is back with the antipasto and two plates, which he puts at the edge of our table. “Your pie will be up in a few.” He tips his head at my glass. “More tea?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I tell him, then watch as he goes to the counter for a pitcher. He’s back a moment later with a smile, filling my glass.

  “I’m glad you know what you want and that you’re chasing your dream,” Alessandro says as the waiter retreats again, pulling my attention back to him.

  I run a finger down a rivulet of sweat on my glass. “Problem is, it’s running way the hell faster than I am at the moment.”


  The waiter scoots up to our table a few minutes later with a wire rack and a pizza tin, which he sets in the middle of the table. “Anything else I can get you?”

  Alessandro lifts a questioning brow at me.

  “No, thanks,” I answer, and the waiter shuffles off to clear the next table.

  “But you’re getting auditions,” Alessandro says, spinning the tin so the spatula handle is facing me. “With all the aspiring actresses in the city, I’d think that wouldn’t be an easy feat.”

  I shrug. “Only because of American Idol. I made it to Hollywood Week.”

  He lifts an eyebrow at me. “I know.”

  I squint at him. “You didn’t . . . ?”

  He shrugs. “I didn’t see it real time, but I told you, I Googled you. The first search results for you are YouTube clips from American Idol.”

  Why does it embarrass me that he’s seen that? I scoop a slice of pizza onto my plate. “So . . . how long are you staying in New York?” I ask, to steer the conversation away from me.

  He helps himself to a slice. “I don’t intend to stay long.”

  I take a bite of pizza and try to ignore the cold rush through my gut. I don’t want him to stay. When he leaves New York again, it will be a good thing. “So you just spend all your time stalking me?”

  His eyes flash to mine. “No. I stalk other people too.”

  “More ghosts?”

  He flinches and lowers his gaze to his plate. “I spend as much time as I can at the Y with the kids.”

  “You’re helping inner-city kids?”

  He nods.

  “Like you and Lorenzo.”

  His intense gaze locks on mine. “I hope that I can help keep them from becoming like me and Lorenzo, yes.”

  We eat in silence, but I can’t stop flashing him glances. There are things about him that haven’t changed at all, and there are other things that are so different. There are so many things I want to ask: Did he miss me after he left? Did he want to come back? He says he’s been haunted, but are the memories all bad?

  Please don’t leave me.

  I squeeze my eyes shut against the unbidden image.

  “Are you okay, Hilary?”