by Jessa Eden
The rest of the night, I tried to keep busy. I cleaned out a closet, completed a jigsaw puzzle, and watched a movie. All the while praying Charlie would come home sometime tomorrow, so we could work things out.
Mindlessly watching I love Lucy, I heard my phone ring with Maroon 5’s song, “Sugar”. Grace’s ringtone.
“Hey, lady,” I answered heavily.
“What’s wrong?” she asked immediately.
“How do you know something’s wrong?”
“I can hear it in your voice.”
There was no use hiding the truth. I sighed. “Everything’s a mess.”
“Talk to me, sugar. What’s going on?”
“Charlie went off on me, railing about not knowing his dad. He threw his cereal bowl against the wall and walked out on me. He was so angry, Grace.”
“Yeah, I bet he was. Charlie’s processing a lot. But I want to know how you’re feeling.”
“Awful. Horrible. Full of regret. Maybe I should have told Beau about Charlie from the beginning or let his granddad talk to him about it.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Because I was afraid...afraid Beau’s dad would come after me and take Charlie away.”
“Was that a fear or was it something that really could have happened?”
“You know, it’s hard to say. When Beau’s dad blackmailed me about Emma, I absolutely knew he would follow through on his threat to take her away from me. I could only imagine what he would do if he found out he had a grandson. So I stayed under the radar, hoping he wouldn’t find out. Plus, after so much time had passed, I didn’t even know if Beau would be interested in knowing his son.”
“That’s a tough situation, Marla. Sounds like you made the right decision. You didn’t know what was going to happen. So you did what any mom would do and protected your kids. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“Oh, Grace. I don’t know how to let this all go and not blame myself. It’s like none of my sacrifices mattered. Certainly not to Charlie.” My voice was teary.
“Charlie will eventually get over it. He may be mad for a while and you’ll have to ride it out. Just stay present for him and be as transparent as you can be.”
“I’m trying. I hope our relationship isn’t damaged because of this.”
“I think you’re in for a lot of change right now, including your relationship with Charlie. It’s going to change because he will get to know his dad and you won’t have to be mom and dad to him anymore. It’s an adjustment for everyone and you’re going to have to let Beau find his way into that equation.”
The thought overwhelmed me. “I don’t even know how to begin to do that.”
“You don’t have to know how. You just have to be open to it and let Beau and Charlie figure their relationship out. Your boy isn’t going to leave you anytime soon. He still needs his mom, but he’s gonna be all about his shiny new dad for a while. You’re gonna have to wait it out. He’ll be back soon. I’d bet money on it.”
I let out a long sigh. “I hear you. It’s just hard. But you’re right. I need to let Beau and Charlie find their own way. I want Beau to share in Charlie’s life. I want to co-parent with him.”
“Oh, sugar, I think there’s more in store for you than just co-parenting with Beau. You’re gonna be all right.”
“Thanks, Grace, for talking me down from the ledge.”
“My pleasure. You know I’m always here for you.”
“I know you are. I would be crazy if I didn’t have you to talk to.”
“Right back at you. Love you, sugar. Hang in there.”
“I will.”
After we hung up, I felt slightly better. I needed to trust Charlie would come home on his own and forgive me for the mistakes I had made in raising him. I prayed we could move forward, now that he expressed his true anger with me.
The next morning, I sat at the kitchen table as I heard the familiar sound of the front door opening. Charlie’s familiar walk echoed down the hall as I resisted the urge to fly up and meet him.
I was determined to let him approach me. If he didn’t want to talk, I would honor his silence. The last thing I wanted to do was spook or smother him.
I finished eating my whole grain toast and tea, then rose to put my dish in the sink. I glanced over at the wall where the cereal bowl had slammed into the teal paint. If I looked closely, I could see a small indentation where it hit.
I tried not to think about what it meant as I washed my plate and threw it in the dishwasher.
“So that’s how it’s done?” I heard from behind me as I closed the dishwasher.
I turned toward Charlie as he stood in the doorway. “Yep, it’s a relatively simple process. Wash. Open. Place. Close. Not too difficult.”
Coming further into the kitchen, he grabbed a banana out of the fruit bowl. “I’ll have to remember that.” He grinned a relaxed smile, so different from his anger of the last twenty-four hours.
I was happy to see him in a better place.
“Got anything else to eat?” he asked, before he chowed down on the banana.
“You want me to fix you a waffle?” I asked as a peace offering.
“From scratch?”
“Sure. I’ll just go into my freezer and whip a batch up,” I said, opening the freezer door and pulling out a box of frozen waffles.
“What a neat trick. I’ll take two.”
“Okay, Charlie Brown. Two waffles coming up.”
He sat at the table, watching me fix him breakfast. We didn’t talk as the waffles popped up and I put them on a plate, spreading butter along the warm crisscross pattern.
“So, yesterday?” he questioned as I reached for his plate on the counter.
“What about it?” I asked softly as I brought his waffles over to him.
His brown eyes flickered with serious remorse. “I lost it, Mom. I didn’t know I felt all that stuff. But I’m sorry I took it out on you. I guess I needed to get it out.” He grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m gonna do better.”
I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I sat down next to him. “You have every right to feel the way you want to, but you did hurt my feelings. It was never in my heart to have you grow up without a father.”
He smiled warmly. “I had you, Mama, and that was enough,” he said, leaning over and kissing my temple.
A quiet sob escaped me. “So you’re not mad at me?”
“I don’t know what I am. But I can’t stand it when I’m not getting along with you.”
Relief and joy flooded my heart as I realized Charlie wasn’t about to abandon me. “Will you promise to talk to me about what you’re feeling? I can handle it when you need to vent, I just need to be prepared. You really caught me off-guard yesterday.”
“Yeah, I surprised myself, too. I’m just conflicted about wanting to get to know my dad while you two aren’t really talking to each other. It’s a hard place to be in because I want to tell you the cool things I’m finding out about him, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Honey, I want you to get to know your dad. You have my full blessing to throw yourself into finding out who your dad is. Remember, I fell in love with him. I know how great he is. I would love to hear the great things you’re finding out, but I’m here too, if things get messy and you need to talk.”
“Got it. Have you seen his amazing penthouse?”
“Yes, I have. It’s beautiful.”
“I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact my dad is a billionaire. It’s crazy. He offered me a chance to work for him. He says I can think about it and I would have to start from the ground up, but I’m tempted to take it.”
It was a bittersweet moment. My boy was taking another leap into adulthood, but he would be leaving my side at the salon. “Do you want to do it?”
He nodded happily. “Yep. Definitely.”
“Okay, then. Go work for your dad. I will miss seeing you at the salon, though. Will you visit from time to time?”
/>
“Absolutely, Momacita,” he said, throwing his arm around me.
*****
Beau:
It was a day of reckoning.
Of fully realizing the truth.
I sat at the sleek dining room table, drinking coffee and staring at all the letters Marla had written me over the years. I tried to read them in order. The heartbreaking pleas for me to come back, the guilt she felt, the love burning bright in each one of her letters.
I just found out I’m pregnant. How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time? We’re having a baby...a baby! I wish you were here. Come back to me...come back to me...
How can I ever make it up to you? All those terrible, vile things I said, trying to make you leave. I didn’t mean any of them. I hope you will forgive me and remember how right we are for each other...
It’s been ten years, nine months and twenty-six days since I saw you in person. Spending time with you, were some of the best days of my life. I ache for you, still. I pray you are happy somehow...
My hope is that by now you know the whole truth. I saw you for the first time in twenty-two years and I can’t believe how much love I still have in my heart for you. I think of you daily. You’re it for me, Beau Shepard. You’ve ruined me. I will love you until the day I die.
It just about broke me down.
Twenty-two years’ worth of letters convinced me she had never left me. Not willingly anyway. She couldn’t fake the passion and ache for that long.
I sat at the table until Charlie wandered out, up for good. He was eager to get home and make things right with his mom.
I was kind of feeling the same way.
After seeing my son off, I hopped in the shower and got ready for the day. But I wasn’t heading into the office.
Floored by all these new revelations about my son’s life, I got in my Porsche and headed out, not sure where I would end up. Driving along the highway, I tried to digest everything I had seen and read about his life.
Somehow, Marla had managed to make me feel like I was there, witnessing Charlie’s life for myself. I needed to thank her for doing all that.
So when I pulled up to Marla’s shop, I wasn’t surprised.
She was at the front desk when I came in. She exuded an easy elegance with her hair swept up, highlighting her delicate neck and pretty features.
Her loveliness always slammed into my gut anytime I stepped into a room with her. She was my downfall, one that seemed futile to fight against. I was beginning to understand that fact.
Her glance was full of worry and unease, afraid of stepping into my warpath as I approached her. “Beau?” she asked in surprise.
My gaze swam with sincerity. “Hey, can we talk?” I asked softly, wanting to show her, I came in peace.
She relaxed a little as she smiled. “Sure, come back to my office.”
I followed her back to a cheery office and we sat on some bright red chairs in front of her glass-top desk.
“What’s up?” she asked, her hands in her lap.
“So yesterday, after you left, my granddad gave me several boxes of Charlie’s stuff.”
Her doe eyes grew wide. “Did you open them?”
“I did. I went through everything.”
She sucked in her breath, looking like she was going to faint. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“I can’t believe you catalogued Charlie’s childhood. The time and care you put into documenting his life is phenomenal. I almost feel like I was there witnessing his every move.”
Her face softened as she let out a big sigh of relief. “Really? Because that’s what I was going for.”
“Thank you for raising our boy right.”
Her eyes grew watery and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “I don’t know what to say to that, Beau. But you’re welcome. I wanted to do right by him and by you.”
“Well, you did more than right by both of us. You took a shitty situation and you made the best of it.” I studied her kind eyes brimming with hope. “None of this makes sense, Marla. Why would you keep such amazing records for me when you didn’t want me in your life?”
She held my earnest gaze as she charmed me with a dazzling smile. “Because I always hoped you would come back to us and I wanted to provide the next best thing to actually watching your son grow up. So I wrote down and videotaped everything I could think of.”
“I know. I saw it all. That was a labor of love. One that boggles my mind. Why didn’t you just tell me about Charlie?” I asked for the umpteenth time.
Fear crept across her face. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yeah, it’s killing me. Charly’s telling me things I don’t want to believe are true, but I’ve got to hear it from you.”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. “It’s hard to talk about. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have. God, Beau, I’ve been carrying this secret around for twenty years and I don’t know if it’s my place to tell you.”
That could only mean my father really did have something to do with this. The reality was too horrible to contemplate. But I forged ahead, determined to get to the bottom of this awful mess. “Did my dad have anything to do with you breaking up with me?”
She stayed silent for a second, her doe eyes flickering with pain. “Yes, he did. He was very determined to break us up and he got his way by being very nasty.”
“I don’t understand, Marla. What did he have over you?”
“He threatened to take away Emma from me and throw her into the foster care system, if I stayed with you.”
“So, he blackmailed you?” My blood pressure was ready to go through the roof.
She closed her eyes and nodded yes.
“That fucker.”
“I understand your rage. Talk to your dad, Beau, and see what he says.”
“You’re damn right I’m gonna talk to him.”
“He’s probably going to deny it, but he had everything to do with why we broke up.”
Beyond my rage, my heart was heavy.
I wasn’t looking forward to this confrontation with my dad.
She grabbed my arm as I turned to go. “Beau, whatever you find out, I’m here for you. I want you to know that.”
I nodded curtly and left, too upset to even consider the consequences of what I was about to find out.
I slowly drove the Porsche in the direction of my dad’s house, not in any hurry to see him. When I pulled up to my father’s mansion, I sat in the driveway for a long time, trying to find the courage to confront him.
I didn’t want to be right about this.
I didn’t want to believe he was capable of such duplicity.
My cell phone vibrated mercilessly on the passenger seat, letting me know I was neglecting my business and my life.
It didn’t matter.
I ignored it as I opened the car door and got out. I made my way to the front door, my feet moving as if they were weighed down by two tons of lead.
Hudson, my father’s long time butler, greeted me just as stiffly as he did twenty-five years ago when he was hired. “Master Bubba, good to see you.”
“Good to see you, too,” I replied automatically. “Is my father in?”
“Yes, he’s in the study. Let me see if he’s receiving visitors.”
Leave it to my father to stand on formality. His house hadn’t changed at all. Everything was in the same place as it had been when I was growing up, from the ornate mirrors to the cold marble floors. Suddenly, it felt morbid and claustrophobic.
“How’s the hotel coming?” my dad asked, coming forward to shake my hand.
“I’m not here to talk about the hotel,” I said sternly, ignoring his hand.
He nodded, a serious light in his blue eyes. “Let’s step into my study.”
I followed him back, getting madder each step of the way.
As soon as he shut the door to his airless study, I got straight to the point. “I want you to tell me what happene
d when Marla broke up with me.”
He flinched a little, his blue eyes extra guarded. “How would I know about this Marla?”
“Oh, cut the crap, Dad. I know you did something.”
“Did that bitch put you up to it?” he snarled, his eyes filled with hatred.
Whoa. He definitely remembered her.
“What do you have against Marla, Dad?”
“She was never good enough for you, Bubba. Never.”
“Again, I ask, did you have anything to do with why she broke up with me?”
“I don’t know what lies she’s feeding you, but I had nothing to do with it.” He glanced away too quickly.
My father was lying to me...lying to me as though I was one of his business cronies he was trying to bullshit.
“So when you offered your sympathy the night she broke up with me, you didn’t know anything?”
He jutted his jaw out as if he was steeling himself to act indignant. “I don’t know anything, Bubba. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I gotta be honest. I don’t like your story, Dad. I think you’re lying to me.”
He clicked his tongue over his teeth, his gaze flashing with anger. “Who are you going to believe? Your father or some little hussy, who tried to take you away from me?”
I shook my head. “Don’t talk about Marla like that. Besides, we were never close. You never wanted anything to do with me unless it involved a chance for you to be in the spotlight.”
“That’s not true.”
“Oh, really? Name one time we spent together that didn’t have to do with a photo op, hockey, or a business dealing.”
Caught off-guard, he sputtered, “Um...there was the time we played catch in the backyard. Don’t you remember that?”
We had played catch exactly once in my life. “You mean the time when the newspaper was here taking pictures for some article?”
“Well…no…uh...let me think of another.”
Dizzy, my world spun. “Don’t bother. I gotta go,” I said, watching my father try to come up with more bullshit lines to feed me.