“Sarah, what have we here?”
My mother looked at Emma. I could hear the emotion in her voice. I knew she must be hurting because she had no idea she had another grandchild. We were once so close and now it felt like we had grown miles apart.
With questioning eyes, Mom looked up at me then realization dawned on her. She quickly went around to Emma’s side and flung open the door. I could see the excitement and anxiety in her face as she looked at her at her grandchild and at that moment I knew everything would be alright.
Emma was still asleep and she picked her up then pulled the blanket tightly around to shield her from the cold. As she bundled Emma her in arms she took a long look at her and smiled.
Gabriel walked out of the house and called to me. “Do you need help bringing anything in?”
I beckoned to him and he walked over and placed his hand on my shoulder. The gesture gave me some reassurance that we would be okay. He opened the trunk and began pulling out the suitcases. Josie slid over towards me and put her arms out, waiting for me to pick her up. I picked her up along with the diaper bag and walked to the house.
“Where will we stay?” I inquired. The house was monstrous and there were at least five different rooms that I could choose from, but I had been away so long and I wasn’t certain what to expect.
As I entered the house I felt the emptiness of my father’s absence; yet there was a sense of security knowing I was in familiar territory and that my husband would not dare hurt me there.
“You can stay in your old room. It’s still set up the way you left it and I think you would be most comfortable there,” my mother stated.
I walked up the stairs with Gabriel trailing behind me with the suit cases. My room was on the third floor and as I approached it I was taken into the past. I paused and looked around remembering how my brother and I would argue. The memories all came back, the good and the bad.
Josie was still a bit tired so I walked over and pulled the green duvet from the bed. She immediately crawled under the covers, hugged one of the pillows and closed her eyes. Gabriel placed the cases in a corner and gestured for me to follow him. I knew that for the most part all the questions were going to be the same; however, I knew Gabriel had a few others that were going to be difficult to answer.
As we walked downstairs he finally turned to me. “I know you just got here, but we all deserve answers.”
“You will get the answers Gabe, but not tonight.”
I was surprised when he let the subject drop as I pushed past him to head downstairs. It was unlike my brother to let things go so easily and this new Gabriel made me a little wary. I could feel his eyes burn into my back as I walked into the living room. I knew he was waiting for an opportune time to bring up the subject again and I mentally prepared for it.
Mom was holding Emma in her arms while the child slept soundly. There was a smile on her face as she watched my baby sleep. I paused for a moment to absorb the site. In the back of my mind I thought that this must be a dream. It was the first time since being married that I was spending the night away from my marital home. It was strange, yet there was a sense of peace.
My mom’s question brought me out of my reverie, “Do you have everything you need for the girls?”
“We have what we need for now, I suppose,” I didn’t know how to tell her that all I needed was my family. The girls and I would survive until I could get the rest of our stuff. I couldn’t afford to bring everything, after paying for the divorce. I had a bit of money but had spent most of it on gas.
“We’ll go shopping together to get everything they need. You can even live in the guest house.”
I couldn’t help but smile though I felt like bursting into tears. Now that I was back home I knew my mother wasn’t going to let me go and it felt good. The gratitude I felt was overshadowed by the guilt of not keeping in touch and a deeper fear of my husband’s retaliation.
“I won’t be staying with you forever, Mom. I have an interview on the twenty-sixth at the hospital and after a few months I’ll be able to get my own place.”
“Or,” she countered, “you could stay here where you don’t have to pay for anything other than what you and the girls need. Having you here is not an issue Sarah. I want you here.”
“I’ll consider it,” I replied, pausing for a moment. As if reading my mind, she looked at me and shook her head, knowing what I was about to ask. Her eyes were glassy as if she was about to cry.
“If you want to know about it you’ll have to ask Gabriel. I cannot go through this right now.”
Gabriel and I looked into each other’s eyes and I found it difficult to look away. Beside him was his college sweetheart, Hilary. She was very pregnant and in her arms was a little girl of no more than two years old. I had no idea that my brother and Hilary were still together, let alone with children. I glanced at her hand and noticed the wedding band; there was so much I had missed.
“Sarah,” he said. “If you want to know about what happened to Dad go to his office. He wrote a letter to you, but he never sent it because he had no idea where you were.”
There was venom in his voice but I couldn’t blame him because I also hated myself at that moment. My father was gone and I had not been there to say goodbye. I wasn’t able to tell him how much I loved him and he was never able to form a relationship with his grandchildren. My brother stomped off with Hilary in trail.
“Don’t mind him. He is in a bad place right now,” my mother reassured me.
I walked down the hall to my father’s office and as I pushed open the doors I felt his presence. His desk was the same one he’d had when I was home. I slowly walked towards it and that’s when I saw the letter. Uncertainty about its contents kept me from opening it then, so I trailed my hands along the wood of the desk and felt its smoothness beneath my fingertips.
I stood there for what seemed like an age trying to hold back the tears which threatened to break through my supposed tough exterior. Gingerly I sat in his chair, envisioning him there as he astutely checked his files.
As I unfolded the letter my breath caught in my throat and my chest felt as if it was about to explode.
To My Dearest Sarah,
It is February 12th, 2010 and we have not seen you in roughly three years. I have grown worried and I wonder what has happened to you. My health has been compromised and I have stage four lung cancer. The doctors have done all they can, but I no longer want to prolong the inevitable. I wish you were here because all I want to do is tell you how much I love you.
If you ever do read this, I want you to know that I do not blame you for not being here. I think it is best that you aren’t. After all, watching me die is worse than not being here. I’ve lost all my hair which, I now know, was covering up an oddly shaped head; I am so glad you got your looks from your mother. I love you and if you ever do return and get the chance to read this I want you to know you are loved and always will be. I will see you again one day.
Love,
Your father
The dam broke long before I finished reading. It hit me that I would never see my father again. The man who loved me unconditionally; the one person I could always run to whenever I was hurt. The excruciating pain in my chest was almost unbearable and I wished I could rewind the last five years of my life. There was no one to blame but myself.
After composing myself I went to my room. Josie was sound asleep and I curled up beside her. Despite the pain of the last five years, I thought how lucky I was to have such beautiful kids. I kissed her forehead and wrapped my arms around her, refusing to let her go. If only my girls would not grow up, I thought; I would keep them young forever if it meant protecting them from this harsh world.
* * *
Chapter 2
Someone called my name and I opened my eyes to see that Josie was awake. As I kissed her forehead she touched it and giggled. For a few moments we tickled each other and laughed until our glee was interrupted by a knock at the
door.
“Come in,” I called. My mother entered the room and looked at us curiously. “What’s going on mom?” I inquired.
“Nothing, I just came to check on you and to make sure everything was okay.”
“Yes, everything is fine, thanks Mom,” I smiled.
“Good. I was going through your things,” she began. “You barely have anything for you or the girls. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go shopping.”
“I appreciate the offer, but. . . .”
She cut me off, “But nothing; I have not been part of your life in almost five years and I am not about to let you go around wearing clothes that are only suitable for the summer. The girls also need winter wear and they need their own beds too.”
It wasn’t worth arguing with her on the matter. She had won every argument we ever had. The only person who could match her was my father and that’s why they were great lawyers.
“Also,” she began. “I am going to be setting up the guest house. Our relatives stay in the main house as it is.”
The house was huge and my upbringing was privileged. Every year at Christmas the house would be packed with relatives; a tradition that dated back to when I was a child. The family gatherings were nice and all of us kids had been around the same age. I remembered all those fun winters and I knew that my girls would have the same opportunities to have a normal childhood the way I had.
Josie quickly pulled back the covers and ran towards her grandmother. “While we are gone, who is going to be watching the girls?” I asked.
“Hilary has Emma in her play pen. Josie can stay with her and she can get to know Cassandra.”
I smoothed my daughter’s blond hair which was still rumpled from sleep. “Josie, mommy will be going out for a bit so I want you to be on your best behavior, okay?”
As we passed the coat closet my mom grabbed her coat and another jacket which she handed to me. I was surprised that it was still in good condition. My mother had kept my jacket all these years and it felt right when I slipped it on.
We were about to leave when Hilary appeared with Cassandra, smiling pleasantly. Josie had followed us down the stairs so I waved to her as I shut the door behind me and headed towards the car, missing her the moment I left. We were hardly ever apart and I knew this brief separation was as difficult for her as it was for me.
My mother had started the engine and inside the car felt warm and cozy. Something caught my eye and I did a double take. Taped to the visor was a family photo taken when I was in my senior year of high school. My grandmother, Diane, who was also in the photo, had crocheted everyone matching scarves specifically for the family shot. It was the last photo we had of her before her stroke.
I knew there were questions my mom wanted to ask but she kept silent. “I know you have millions of questions for me so you might as well ask away.” I told her.
“Why did you stop contacting us? Where did he take you?”
At first I didn’t know how to answer but then I thought carefully and took a deep breath. “Micah became aggressive towards me. He hated you guys in my life. He said that you were all brainwashing me and that I was his family. So, he got a job transfer to Texas and that’s where we went. After Josie turned three I found out I was pregnant again and I wanted to contact you, but I couldn’t. I thought about sending you letters, but I never knew how to write them.” It all came rushing out and I felt a sense of relief to get it off my chest. However, I wasn’t sure how my mother would react to such news.
“What changed to make you finally leave him?”
I sighed. It was a question I was hoping wouldn’t come up. “I couldn’t stand being part of a dictatorship anymore. I disliked being submissive and I couldn’t let the girls live in a house with such violence.”
As I spoke my final word I knew I shouldn’t have. We stopped at the stop sign and no one was around. My mother looked at me and I knew she wanted answers, her eyes demanded them.
“He beat you!”
I had to look away. I couldn’t bring myself to answer her question because I was too ashamed. But she saw the truth on my face. What I didn’t tell her was that he had started abusing his own daughter, which was the deciding factor in me finally leaving him.
“Sarah, are you safe?”
“Of course I am, Mom. After we finalized the divorce I put a restraining order against him and he lost his parental rights. He has no business in my life or my children’s. Everything is going to be okay.” I said, though I wasn’t sure I answered confidently.
I saw the look she gave me and I knew she was concerned. She had never liked Micah and had made that clear from the start. There were a few reasons why I settled for him. Being a Tomboy almost killed my chances of finding a boyfriend because they all saw me as one of the guys; but Micah was different. He really seemed to care about me and saw me as a woman.
The rest of the drive was awkward and was filled with silence. We both had our own thoughts about the conversation and the life I led. I knew my mother was feeling sorry for me whilst I felt regret. My thoughts were interrupted when she pulled into the Galleria Mall.
“Sarah, is there anything else I can do for you? I can’t help you unless you allow me to,” she said as I was getting out of the car.
“You taking me back into your life, with my two girls is all you can do for me Mom. I am perfectly fine, I assure you.”
* * *
Chapter 3
It was a week from Christmas and the house was expected to be buzzing with people in no time. The first ones expected were my auntie Flo, her husband Marty and their son Henry. Henry was four years younger than myself and had just started college.
My mom had insisted that I moved into the guest house so that was where my girls and I were staying. It was much larger than my childhood bedroom but being away from the great-house made me feel a little disconnected.
The December morning was cold and Emma seemed to be coming down with something because she was crying more than usual. I walked over to her crib and picked her up, relieved to find that it was only a change she needed at that point.
I was done changing her and was about to make breakfast when there was a knock on the door. I could see Gabriel through the glass panes and wondered if something had happened. It wasn’t like him to come over at this time in the morning. I pulled the door open still holding Emma in my arms.
“What’s going on…?” I started to ask but was taken by surprise when I saw someone behind my brother.
Gabriel had a broad smile on his face and behind him was the one guy I would never forget. Daniel had been my brother’s best friend throughout our childhood until he joined the Marines.
“Daniel?” I breathed. I was only wearing a long t-shirt with my hair in knotted mess around my face. I hadn’t showered or brushed my teeth and I felt that an onion would have smelled better than me at that moment.
“Hi Sarah,” he smiled. My heart pounded in my chest and I couldn’t even smile back for fear that my breath would make them pass out.
“Could we come inside?” Gabriel asked.
I nodded and moved aside. Why were they here? I wondered. As they walked into the living room Josie waved at them.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked as I picked up Emma’s food.
“Well, Daniel is back in town and we don’t have enough room in the main house. You have an extra bedroom and we were sort of hoping that he could use it.”
“Of course he can,” I said before my brain could even contemplate any other response.
I watched as they both looked at me startled about how quickly I made that decision. I was twenty-four and was acting like a fifteen year old. I looked at Josie and prayed she would be more composed than me when she got older.
“Well, great. I promise I won’t be intruding on your space.”
“Are you my new daddy?” Josie asked loudly, with a broad grin on her pretty face.
Everything went silent and then I chuckl
ed uncomfortably and Gabriel burst out laughing. Daniel was very understanding and he bent towards my little girl and replied, “No sweetie, I’m just a friend okay?”
As I fed Emma her eyes followed Daniel bringing in the bags. When he brought in the last bag he said, “You are all grown up now. How is it?’
“It is different. I’m sure Gabe filled you in on some of the details.”
“Yes, he sure did. I remember Micah from school. I’m sorry for how everything turned out, but you got two positives out of the arrangement.”
“I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m just so happy that they’re in a better place. So this is Josephine, but we call her Josie.” I smiled at Josie who was obsessively hugging a doll that my mother had given her, “She’s fond of the doll grandma got her.”
“Her name is Ann,” Josie piped in brightly, before returning to her own little world.
“And this little stinker is Emma. She caught something and her sleep pattern is irregular. She generally sleeps through the night. I just hope it doesn’t bother you too much.”
He moved towards us and my pulse quickened. Not only because I had a crush on him from high school, but because I wasn’t sure if he could smell my breath. He looked at Emma and she gave him a toothless smile. Her dimples showed and she began speaking her own little language.
“Don’t worry about it. I may not have kids but it won’t be an issue,” he reassured me before heading to his room.
I finished feeding Emma, took her into my arms and headed towards the bathroom. As I entered the passage he stopped me.
“Do you need help with anything?”
“Um, no, I don’t think so. Why do you ask?” I replied. It was nice of him to offer but even though I still had a mega crush on him, I was wary of getting close to anyone else.
He leaned against the doorframe and shrugged. He was still handsome and laid-back, making me remember why I had a crush on him. “I just didn’t know. Being a single mother is hard, or so my mom always said.”
A New Start Page 3