I couldn’t help but chuckle, “I’ve been a single mom for close to five years now. Taking care of the girls alone is what I’m used to.”
“Micah never helped you?”
“No. He was always away doing whatever he wanted.”
“Why would you be with a sleaze bag like him? You deserve better.”
It was a little embarrassing to be talking to him about my disaster of a marriage and a husband who was no good, so I turned away to hide my shame. In the bathroom, I turned on the tap for Emma’s bath and tested the water with my elbow. A sigh escaped my lips.
“You know what? I never felt I was worthy of someone better,” I finally said.
“There must have been someone who you would have rather been with, right?”
His statement took me by surprise and I paused a moment before turning to face him. “What do you know?”
“I know nothing,” he said attempting to appear innocent. “There was one night I found your diary. It was right before I was deployed.”
“You went into my room! Why?”
“Gabe told me that you liked me, but you were with Micah.”
His voice faltered and he regained himself. “I thought Gabe was only saying that because he knew I liked you. I never asked you out because you were my best friend’s sister.”
I smiled to myself as I shampooed Emma’s hair. Daniel moved closer to me and I swore I could feel his body heat as he sat on the toilet. He was not so close but his energy was very strong and I almost slipped off the edge of the tub.
“I didn’t just come back here to visit. I came here to see you,” he said.
This couldn’t be happening, I thought. Why now? Was this some kind of a joke? The man of my dreams had finally reentered my life and I was a mess! My heart threatened failure, I was sure it was exceeding a thousand beats per minute. I could hear it thudding in my chest.
I couldn’t think of anything to say and I finished bathing Emma in silence. Eventually I spoke, saying the first thing which came to mind, “I’m not the same girl I was in high school.”
“Yes you are,” he said, “you just have a few things you didn’t before like two beautiful girls and a college education. To me you’re still you…you’re the same girl who knew how to drive me crazy.”
Shakily, I pulled the towel from the rack and turned off the tap; then I wrapped the soft towel around my baby girl. I was sure that Daniel could see me trembling and it made me very self-conscious.
As I stood, I came face to face with him. I was a bit confused about his statement and it dawned on me that he was teasing. I tried to relax and looked up at him, trying to find the truth. “Sarah, I know that everything has been chaotic for you lately but I’ve always liked you, I just didn’t know how to show it.”
In my heart I wanted to say yes, but at that moment I didn’t think it was the right thing to say. “You must be really crazy to want to be with me. I’m beginning to wonder what the military did to you.”
Before I knew what was happening he bent and kissed me on the lips. My lips tingled as he withdrew and I was startled when I heard Josie exclaim, “He is going to be my new daddy!”
I turned red with embarrassment and tried to avoid Daniel as I brushed past him and took Emma to the bedroom where I dressed her. Daniel and Josie followed.
He picked up Josie in his arms, laughing. Then in a statement that surprised me, he declared, “I will be your daddy if your mom wants me to be.”
* * *
Chapter 4
Everyone was there, twenty-six in total, seated at the huge dining table which was covered with all kinds of food. On either side of me were my girls and next to Josie was Daniel. She had already grown attached to Daniel and as of the past sixty-five hours, he had been more of a father to her than Micah had ever been.
Gabriel was seated across from me with a broad grin plastered on his face. I knew he set this up and I loved him for it. He never liked Micah but I had no idea he wanted me to be with Daniel either. If only I knew how Daniel felt when I was younger, my life would not have turned out the way it did.
My aunt Flo stood up to give a toast and everyone raised their glasses. Her blond hair was long and still curly. She did not look a day over forty and I hoped that when I reached her age I would look as ravishing as she did.
“I want to just say to everyone that this year is much better than last year. We have Sarah back, along with a few new additions. Thank you for coming home Sarah and it’s great to have your girls here. You’ve turned into such a beautiful woman.” All eyes were on me and I blushed happily. “Now, tomorrow morning we are all going into the woods to get the Christmas tree!”
Smiling to myself, I remembered how that tradition started. My father disliked having to go to a vendor to buy a tree saying, “We can always go cut down a tree for free!” Whilst my mom said, “Instead of talking about doing it you should actually go and do it.” The very next morning he rounded up the entire family and we all went into the woods and chopped down our own tree. It was the best Christmas tree we ever had and it became a tradition.
As I looked around the table and observed the faces of my extended family I realized for the first time in five years I was actually having a real Christmas. But at the back of my mind I thought about the husband I had left behind and what he would do when he found me.
After dinner, Josie and Cassandra went to play with the other kids in the game room. I was standing by the window looking out over the snow covered ground when I felt Daniel come up behind me. He took my hand and led me to a nearby sofa. No one seemed to be paying any attention to us so I tried to relax.
We talked for a while and were so engrossed in each other that we didn’t realize my mother had approached us. She smiled and whispered to us, “If you two would like alone time, I can take care of Emma and Josie tonight.”
Before either of us could respond she walked away. I knew it was too soon to spend ‘alone time’ with Daniel but getting to know each other would be okay. I didn’t want to rush things so we decided to just hang out and talk.
Daniel and I went back to the guest house where we opened a bottle of wine and snuggled before the fireplace. I told him everything about my marriage and how abusive Micah was. I told him that he was often rough with me in bed and that scared me somewhat.
He told he me he’d never been in a serious relationship and wasn’t sure he was up to the task but he would do everything in his power to make me happy. Those words weren’t new to me, and it was hard for me to trust again; but something in Daniel’s voice made me listen.
“I know we should be taking it slow but I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,” he said as he reached over and kissed me.
We were on the bearskin rug with our backs leaning against the sofa. He took my glass and placed it on the coffee table before moving closer to me. I didn’t know how to respond but my body felt like it had been dormant for decades and was now finally waking up.
After a long kiss, which threatened to break down the walls I had built. Daniel pulled back; his breath heavy, “Not yet, I’ll wait until we’re both ready.”
I was thankful that he was being patient because all this was new to me. Though the relationship between us was long overdue, we had to be certain we were doing the right thing. We slid down until we were both lying on the rug and I rested my head on his chest.
* * *
Chapter 5
Snuggling up to Daniel on the rug felt like the most natural thing in the world, but I didn’t want my girls finding us like that so I woke him up a little before four in the morning.
“What time is it?” he asked.
“Nearly four,” I whispered.
“Are you okay?” he asked, looking at our makeshift bed.
“Uh-huh, it feels good waking up next to you,” I whispered shyly.
“It could be like this every morning if you want,” he answered. “Do you want any more children?” That totally surprised me.
“I actually haven’t thought of having more. Josie and Emma were unplanned despite all my precautions. I suppose if I get married again….”
“So, maybe there is hope for me yet.”
§
By seven in the morning I was dressed and ready to find and cut down our Christmas tree. Hilary and my mother offered to stay behind with the younger children while everyone else headed out. Daniel carried Emma, with Josie clutched at my side.
“Mommy, can he be my new daddy?” Josie inquired.
“Maybe, honey….maybe if you ask him nicely,” I replied with a laugh and kissed her forehead.
Her face lit up and she ran towards Daniel, “Can you be my Daddy, PLEASE?”
She hugged his leg and my heart warmed at the sight. My brother was observing the spectacle between my child and Daniel and he pulled me aside, “Are you two really going to get together?” he asked.
“Most likely, but we aren’t going to rush it.”
“I don’t care if you get married tomorrow. You two are great for each other. I’m still upset that I haven’t seen you in half a decade, but I want you to be happy.”
“You’re right, he is good for me and I so want to be happy, Gabe. By the way…a little birdie told me that he went into my room and got a hold of my diary back then. I wonder who assisted with that!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said innocently as he tried to hurry away. I held on to his jacket, not letting him escape. It felt like old times.
“You snake, you did! Didn’t you?”
“Okay, I give in,” he admitted, “I just knew too much and he didn’t believe me. Now you two are going to be happy and it’s all because I meddled. You’re welcome,” he bowed.
“I hate you!”
“I love you too, sis,” he planted a kiss on my cheek.
We joined the rest of the group and headed into the woods. The peace I felt at that moment was strange to me as Daniel entwined his hand in mine. The ground was white with snow and it was a beautiful winter day. We made it down the path and into the small clearing. Evergreens scored throughout the woods, waiting to be picked.
Some of the people in the group started arguing about which tree would be best. It took all of ten minutes to choose.
Snowflakes had started to fall by then and Daniel pulled me close. I thought he was going to kiss me but he flicked a flake from my nose and pinched my cheeks.
“What are you thinking about?”
“What makes you say I’m thinking?”
“You always scrunch your nose when you’re in deep thought. What’s bothering you?”
I sighed, watching my breath steam in the air. “Do you want to be here?” I asked.
“Of course I do. This is where we grew up; this was the only place that felt like home. Why? Do you want to leave and go elsewhere?”
“No, I have no desire to leave. I was just wondering…if…if we did get together, if you would want to go elsewhere, what with you being in the military and all.”
“So, you have been thinking of us getting together!” He exclaimed before adding, “I served my time. I tore out my Achilles tendon and it required surgery. Afterwards I was told that I wasn’t fit for active duty and I didn’t want to sit behind a desk, so I retired. I have a job here, working at the same firm as Gabriel.”
* * *
Chapter 6
After we hauled the tree into the house we sat down to a breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, hash browns, and fresh fruit which Mom and Hilary had made. It was quite an event as Josie ate with her hands and became a sticky mess while Emma got more food in her hair than in her mouth.
“We will decorate the tree after we all eat,” my mother said.
“Mommy I want to go play,” Josie remarked as I cleaned her with a damp paper towel.
“Let me just clean you up and you can go alright?”
She nodded and allowed me to wipe her clean. When I finished she ran off with the other kids and I took my seat next to Daniel. Emma had fallen asleep in her highchair and I knew she was going to need a bath the moment she woke up.
“I wonder what Jack would say if he was here. I hope you know you’re the reason he stopped fighting for his life,” Victoria, my father’s sister, remarked.
A sudden chill grasped me and I felt like I could barely breathe. I barely heard my mother speak, “Don’t you dare say that to her. You have no idea why she was away and you have no clue how she felt when she learned that Jack was gone.”
“I’m just being honest,” she said snidely. “She’s here enjoying her life while he’s dead. She didn’t even write a letter explaining where she was and what had happened to her. And look at her children, they’re brats!”
“How dare you speak about my children that way,” I snapped. “You know nothing about me, so back off! Of course I wish I was here with my father when he fell ill, but I wasn’t and I cannot go back and change that.”
“You are a despicable woman. My brother loved you and obviously your ex-husband is more important. I have no doubt that you’ll go running back to him!”
A burning hatred and resentment consumed me and I wanted nothing more than to burst out in rage and put her in her place. She had no idea what happened and she never would. Sucking in a deep breath I told myself she was not worth my time and I suppressed my emotions.
“You should leave Victoria.”
“No Valarie, your daughter should leave. She was gone for so long and she’s not worth the space here. Neither are those children.”
“Every year you have to do this,” William, her husband barked. “Are you off your rocker? Every year Valarie opens her home to you and allows you to stay here and all you do is ruin a perfect meal. If you want to talk about being imperfect you should really look at yourself.”
“You wouldn’t!” Victoria said, shocked at her husband.
“Yes, I would and I think it’s high time everyone knew who you really are. I can only take so much. When you cheated on me the first time I forgave you but not anymore.”
Victoria threw down her napkin and began ranting. “You were gone on business for months. A woman gets lonely and when men are throwing themselves at you things happen. It’s your fault.”
With all the noise and shouting Emma woke up crying. She had never done well in loud situations. I picked her up from her high chair and walked away with Daniel following close behind.
Josie appeared in the hallway and I beckoned to her. She immediately came to my side and we walked out the back door. Everyone was in an uproar and we quickly made our way into the guesthouse. Tears of anger streamed down my face as soon as I was away from everyone else. Daniel wrapped his arms around me trying to comfort me, whilst Josie hugged my leg. Emma was still crying and I kissed her forehead in an attempt to reassure her that everything was okay.
I knew it would have been hard on the kids, a reminder of what they left behind. There were so many moments in their short lives when Micah and I fought and screamed at each other.
“I love you mommy.”
My heart melted as my little girl comforted me. She had grown up so much and she knew that I was hurting. I was thankful for both my children and we all hugged, including Daniel.
Though I felt better, I still felt heartbroken about the way my family acted. Verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse, or at least to me it was. Daniel, the girls and I all plopped down on the couch before Daniel turned the television on.
After a few minutes I left Josie with Daniel and took Emma to take a bath. By the time I was done with her she was half asleep. I placed her in her crib and pulled on my coat. I needed to think so I decided to take a walk. Daniel was standing by the door as I left the bedroom.
“If you need to talk I’m open to listen.”
“I know,” I said. “I just need to be alone right now. I’ll be back in a while.”
He tilted my chin up and kissed me gently. “I’m right here and I won’t be go
ing anywhere.”
* * *
Chapter 7
I walked down the snow covered trail to where my family had their own private cemetery. It was roughly a mile away from the main house and everyone from the past twelve generations in my father’s family were buried there. Everyone said our property was haunted and during Halloween it typically was. However, my brother was always the one doing the haunting. That was his talent, scaring people witless.
I knew where my father would be buried and I slowly made my way there. When I saw his tombstone my knees felt weak and I slumped to the ground.
I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn’t. I found myself bawling and my heart broke into a million pieces. I looked and felt a mess as I reached out and placed a hand on my father’s tomb stone.
“Dad, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t say goodbye. I miss you and I wish you were here.” My breath came in gasps as I tried to talk.
I stayed that way until the tears subsided. There was a hole in my heart and a longing for my dad. I wanted him to tell me everything was okay; he had always been the one who made everything okay. I wanted him back, I wanted him to meet his granddaughters, but I was too late and that was what hurt the most.
It was the cold biting into my skin which made me get to my feet. As I stood I saw someone walking towards me. It was Gabriel. He must have known where I was and came to find me.
“He didn’t stop fighting,” he began. “There was no way he was going to be able to survive his condition. If you were here and you watched him die it would have been harder on you. Ignore what Victoria says, she is a drama queen.”
“I still feel bad. I didn’t get to tell him how much I loved him.”
He studied me and I knew he realized I wasn’t telling him something. “Sarah, you know you can tell me anything. I’m your big brother. I’m here to protect you, you know that.”
A New Start Page 4