A Love to Have and to Hold

by Linda Ford

  Flora, the adventuresome one, said, “I knew he was looking like a man who needed to get away. He’ll spend the winter in the mountains. Best thing for him.”

  Josie knew Flora didn’t mean to hurt her, but the words gouged out a bleeding trail in her heart. The winter? A man who needed to get away?

  “Then what?” Eve asked.

  Flora shrugged. “Maybe he’ll join his uncle—whoops, father—on a big ranch. Sounds like he might be a rich man.”

  “Riches aren’t what matters,” Victoria said, bringing a quiet to the table. She had rich parents but had chosen to stay with the Kinsley family and marry Reese.

  A rich man. Josie mulled over the words. If she was to speak to Walker again and say the things she’d planned to say, would he think it was because he was rich? She’d made it plain that she didn’t care for poverty.

  But as Victoria said, riches weren’t what mattered.

  What did?

  She wished she had an answer.

  The day passed, heavy with uncertainty. Dark with disappointment. Full of anxious glances to the west.

  It was a good thing she hadn’t allowed herself to fall in love with Walker.

  It would be even better if she could believe that was true.

  But time marched on. Her sisters and their husbands left.

  Josie went to bed earlier than usual. It was one way to make the evening pass more quickly.

  Monday morning, she rose, having had a serious talk with herself. She had plans for her life. Over breakfast, Pa said he would be asking the other board members to come by after supper to count the money and make a few decisions.

  As soon as she could get away without leaving Ma and Stella more work than she should, she went to the store.

  “Did I get any orders?” she asked Norm.

  He held out a sheet of paper. “Lots of them.”

  She looked at the list. Four women wanted dresses, and ten men wanted shirts. She laughed. A couple of the men had even left their sizes. One of them asked for a red shirt. The other asked for a green one. She looked at Norm’s selection of fabric and chose enough to make two shirts.

  “If any of these others show up, please tell them to either leave their measurements or come to the manse for me to get them.” She took the goods and made her way home.

  “Ma, I got fourteen orders.”

  “You’re going to be busy.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t shirk my duties at home.”

  “Daughter, I never thought you would.”

  “Ma, if I put a table upstairs, I could do all my work there.” It would be so much easier than having to use the kitchen table to cut the fabric.

  “Then by all means do so. There’s a table in the barn that might do for now.”

  Ma helped her carry the table upstairs.

  Josie scoured it. Made sure there were no splinters to catch and mar the fabric then laid out the yard goods. One cowboy had similar measurements as Pa, so she began with that shirt. A red one. She had pushed the table against the window overlooking the addition. It provided her with good lighting, and if it also allowed her to remember seeing Walker working out there, that was purely coincidental.

  That evening the school board counted the money raised by the rodeo. Josie hovered nearby serving coffee and cookies but also waiting to see how successful the rodeo had been.

  “It’s double what we hoped for,” Norm said. “I feel weighed down by having to decide what to order.”

  “It’s more responsibility that I feel we should carry,” Pa said. “Why don’t we ask for suggestions? Ask people to give their reasons for the titles they would like.”

  The others agreed, and it was settled.

  “Only one problem,” Norm said. “We won’t likely get the books before the teacher arrives.”

  “Then let’s order some basics. Primers. Classics. That sort of thing. That order should come before the teacher.” Everyone agreed to Pa’s suggestions.

  Josie smiled, wishing she could share the news with Walker.

  Didn’t it matter to him how successful the rodeo had been? How much people here missed him?

  Over the next two weeks, Josie put in long hours cutting, measuring, and sewing. More orders came in. She received payment for the first four shirts and, by the following day, a Saturday, she would have three dresses ready.

  Soon she’d have enough for the sewing machine she needed. She’d been discussing it with Norm. He had a catalog, and she’d almost worn out the page as she studied the description over and over.

  At 250 stitches per minute, this machine will revolutionize your life.

  It was a thing of beauty with gold lettering and detail, mounted on a mahogany stand, with a little handle to turn the mechanism. She couldn’t wait to get it.

  She hurried back home with more orders and more material.

  Besides her sewing she had her responsibilities at home. She promised herself she would not neglect them. There were vegetables to pick and can for the winter. Meals to make. Bread to bake. She helped with the children.

  Toward bedtime one evening, Ma caught Josie’s arm as she headed upstairs. “I know you’re staying up late sewing. I worry you might be overdoing it.”

  “I’m enjoying the work. Besides, I’m anxious to have enough money to order a sewing machine.”

  Ma nodded. “First thing I know, you’ll be moving into a place of your own just as you’ve always dreamed.” Her smile was a tiny bit uncertain. “That’s as it should be, I suppose. So long as you are happy, I am happy.”

  “Thanks, Ma.” Josie kissed her mother on her cheek then went up to her room.

  She sat by the window and picked up the dress she had only to hem before it was finished.

  Like Ma said, she’d soon have her own place where she would support herself. A home of her own that no one could take away. When she moved out Ma would be able to use this room for a family in need.

  It was her dream and had been for many years.

  Somehow, she had imagined it feeling better than this.

  Walker perched on the edge of a cliff, staring out at the rugged mountain scenery. Two weeks he’d been camped there. He had supplies enough for a few more days, and then he would have to decide what to do.

  The shock of his uncle-father’s announcement had worn off. He’d gone from anger to exhaustion and then numbness. The numbness was leaving his body so that he could now think.

  And pray.

  How often had he railed against keeping secrets? Look at the harm this secret had done.

  But as Josie said, he hadn’t handled the truth all that well.

  He smiled. Josie. Remembering her face had comforted him through his struggles, but the thought of her watching him ride away, disappointment in her eyes, haunted him.

  He directed his thoughts toward sweeter moments. The tender kiss he’d given her. She was ready to tell him about her past when they’d been interrupted. He couldn’t imagine that her secret was as powerfully destructive as the one Uncle Paul had delivered, but still, the idea of a secret set his nerves on edge.

  For a long time he remained looking out over the landscape as he contemplated his future. He had some hard choices ahead of him.

  He guessed the preacher and his wife would be praying for him. Would Josie?

  He had spent hours in prayer. What did God want? Why had this happened to him? How could his mother and his uncle have been so sinful? He was the product of their sin. Did that make him a sinful person?

  What had Josie said? How did the knowledge of what his mother and uncle did change who he was?

  Did she really believe it? Had her opinion of him changed?

  The sun was high overhead when he pushed to his feet. He saddled his horse, smiling at the pleasure of getting to know his new mount. Buck liked to make it known he only let Walker ride him because he chose to, not because Walker was boss. But he was a big-hearted horse, ready to tackle the steep climbs required to reach this sum
mit.

  Now he guided the horse down the trail. It was almost dark when they reached the grassy hills, and he turned the horse northward.

  They rode a few more miles then made camp for the night.

  Late the next day he rode under the sign at the gate. 3J Ranch. Walker wondered if it stood for the three Joneses who were supposed to be ranching together. For several minutes, he studied the layout. It was rather extensive. Made the Texas ranch look small in comparison. Front and center stood a big house. From where he sat, it looked like maybe three smaller houses behind. Two barns, sturdy-looking corrals, several outbuildings, a long cabin Walker thought would be a bunkhouse, and a small two-story structure next to it. Uncle Paul seemed to have done just fine on his own.

  Walker tried not to feel any bitterness, but it crept through. This was the man who had fathered him, and, because of that act, the Texas ranch had been sold. The Jones family had been broken up.

  He hadn’t even told his uncle that Ma and Pa had died.

  He stopped at the house and waited. Would anyone be home?

  The door opened, and Uncle Paul stepped out. “Glad to see you, Walker. Come in. You’re just in time for supper.”

  “We need to talk.”

  “We can do it over a hot meal.”

  It had been a long time since Walker had enjoyed some good home cooking but—“Don’t remember you cooking.”

  “You remember correctly. I still don’t. I have a man and his wife on the place. The man looks after chores. The wife cooks and cleans, but they have their own house.” He jabbed his thumb in a vague direction. “She leaves me to eat in peace while she joins her husband. So, it’s possible for us to talk freely.”

  Seems the man understood there were things that needed to be said that shouldn’t be said in front of others. Walker followed him into the house. They were in an entryway that from the lack of coats and boots he knew was reserved for callers. To his right he glimpsed a room with two sofas, four armchairs, a fireplace, and lots of books. To his left, a dining room. Again, it appeared to be saved for special occasions. A wide staircase rose to the second floor.

  He followed his uncle down the short hall into a kitchen that took up the entire back half of the house. This, he knew at first glance, was where the ranch life was lived. There was a big table set for one. Cupboards, stove, a desk cluttered with papers, and a doorway that revealed a large boot room.

  Uncle Paul put out another setting of dishes. “Sit.”

  Walker did.

  “We’ll pray.”

  Why did that surprise Walker? His uncle had always been faithful in his Christian living. But having committed adultery rather ruined that assumption. Walker was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t hear what his uncle said until, “Amen.”

  They filled their plates and began to eat.

  His uncle paused, his fork beside his plate. “Let’s get one thing out of the way immediately. I sinned against you, your mother, your father, and God when I did what I did. God has forgiven me according to His word where He says, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ I believe His word even when my heart accuses me. I long ago sought forgiveness from your mother, and she said she gave it. I’m hoping that your father can forgive me. Now I’m asking you to forgive me. What I did was wrong, and the whole family paid for it. Walker, can you forgive me?”

  Walker put his hands beside his plate. “Uncle Paul.” He stopped. “I don’t even know what to call you.” He couldn’t call him Pa.

  “Paul will do fine.”

  “When I left Glory, I went into the mountains to think. I don’t mind telling you it was a real shock to learn you are my father.” He shook his head. It was still hard to believe. “At first, I was angry. Why didn’t someone tell me the truth?”

  “I wanted to.”

  “Then I began to wonder what difference it would have made. What’s done is done. The past can’t be changed. I want to put it behind me.”

  Paul pulled his lips down in a gesture of regret. “Unfortunately, some things cannot be forgotten.”

  “I suppose that’s true. But I cannot harbor bitterness in my heart. It will turn me sour. So, I forgive you.”

  “Thank you.” Paul held out his hand and they shook. “I don’t mind saying that’s a load off my mind.” Paul resumed eating. He glanced at Walker. “What are your plans?”

  “Thought I’d have a look around and see if this place is as nice as you said it is.” He kept his voice neutral, not wanting Paul to think he wanted anything more than a visit. At this point he didn’t know what he wanted. “Paul, I have to inform you that both my parents are dead.”

  Paul’s hands fell to the table. “No. When? How?”

  Walker relayed the details of his parents’ deaths. It seemed his news was as shattering to Paul as Paul’s news had been to him.

  Paul rubbed his forehead. “I always hoped we’d find a way to resolve things. Now it will never happen.”

  “We only have today. The past is gone. The future is not yet ours.”

  Paul smiled. “You sound like your mother.”

  They nodded, the beginning of understanding between them.

  The meal over, they pushed back their chairs and leaned on the back legs. “Now tell me what you’ve done since I saw you twelve years ago.”

  Walker chuckled. “That might take a while.”

  “Good. Let’s sit outside on the porch.” Paul poured them each a cup of coffee and led the way from the kitchen. The porch faced west. Half a dozen chairs stood on the wooden floor outside. Walker and Paul sat side by side.

  Walker started from the sale of the Texas ranch and listed the various jobs he’d had. “I loved working on ranches, but then Pa died. Ma was failing, so I took a job in town at the livery barn.”

  “Can’t see you enjoying town.”

  Walker shrugged. “Mostly I worked and took care of Ma. Had my horse and went for long rides when I felt I could be away. It wasn’t too bad.”

  The sun lowered in a colorful display. Still they sat outside and talked until Walker couldn’t stop yawning.

  Paul pushed to his feet. “Looks like it’s time for you to go to bed. Come along. I’ll show you a room.”

  Walker followed him upstairs. He was alert enough to see there were five rooms up there. He went into the room Paul indicated, kicked off his boots, dropped his pants on the floor, his shirt on top of them, and fell into bed, instantly asleep.

  The next morning, he and Paul rode out to see the ranch.

  Three days later, Walker sat across the table from Paul. “It’s a nice place.”

  “Plenty of room for you and a family, if you so desire. I’m not pressuring you though.”

  Walker chuckled. “You mean pointing out all the beauties of the place and mentioning that you wouldn’t mind taking up residence in one of those smaller houses weren’t none-too-subtle hints that you’d like me to stay?”

  Paul laughed. “I suppose I have been obvious.” He leaned forward. “Have you made up your mind?”

  “I have to go back and talk to Josie Kinsley. I left in a hurry right when we were in the middle of a very important conversation.”

  “You go talk to that sweet young gal and convince her she’d be perfectly happy living here.”

  Walker grinned at the way Paul let him know what he wanted.

  Walker left early the next morning.

  What had Josie been about to confess to him? He no longer believed that the truth couldn’t harm you. Paul’s announcement had convinced him otherwise.

  Did Josie’s secret contain equally distressing news?

  There was only one way to find out.

  Chapter 15

  At Pa’s request, Josie had agreed to sing a fairly new song by Frances Havergal at the close of the Sunday service. Josie had worked hard at learning the words that drove deep into her heart, challenging her faith.

  “Stayed u
pon Jehovah, Hearts are fully blest; Finding, as He promised, Perfect peace and rest.”

  As she practiced the song, she knew she had a choice. Trust God for the future knowing He was the Sun of Love who traced joys and trials in her life. Or she could continue to fear and regret the past. She could waste her life thinking of what might have been.

  Life could not be lived joyfully and wholly that way.

  She knelt at her bed before following her family to church. God, I don’t know what Your plans are for me, but I give my past and its shame to You. I give my future and its uncertainty to You. I give You this day. I will rejoice and be glad in all that Your hand has prepared for me.

  She rose, her heart full of joy, and crossed to the church, where she stood at the pulpit and nodded to Victoria at the piano. Lifting her gaze above the congregation, she sang the song to her Lord and Savior.

  “Those who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.”

  She was done. Silence followed the final note. As Pa stood to give the benediction, Josie returned to her seat.

  A few minutes later, she made her way down the aisle and outside. And stopped so suddenly, Victoria bumped into her.

  “Walker,” she whispered. He waited at the bottom of the steps.

  His smile was both tentative and welcoming.

  Victoria pushed Josie forward. “Go see what he wants.”

  Josie’s feet carried her to his side though she could not remember taking a step. “Will you join us for dinner?” It was not one of the questions begging to be asked, but she was afraid. Afraid of what he might want. Afraid of what she must tell him. Stayed upon Jehovah, she reminded herself. Trust His promises. His strength. His guidance.

  With her sisters and brothers-in-law ahead of them, she and Walker crossed to the house. She carried serving bowls to the table only because someone placed them in her hands.

  She sat in her usual place. Walker sat beside her. She bowed her head. Heard Pa pray but didn’t hear his words.

  She took food from the bowls passed to her. Walker seemed more able to eat a decent amount than she could.