Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  Finally, I sat down with a cup of tea. There was no avoiding thinking about it anymore. Aiden had kissed me.

  Yes. Aiden kissed me and it felt … amazing. Weird, for a second, like I was kissing my brother, and then it wasn’t my brother any more but a handsome, kind man who loved me. Loved me enough to never hurt me. He even loved me enough to let me go and make up my mind about this whole mess without persuasion or forcing the issue at all.

  I hadn’t even thought about Ross and the other girls. Yes, plural. Ever since Aiden said that he’d forced Ross to tell me, I was pretty sure that this wasn’t the first time it’d happened. Just the first time he’d been spotted. Of course there had been more than one. How could I believe now that it’d only happened once?

  My phone rang, making me jump. Ross. Ugh. I answered, knowing he’d keep calling if I didn’t.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey. How was your day?”

  “Fine thanks.”

  “Listen, I want to talk to you.”

  I didn’t want to see him but I did want to confront him about the other girls.

  “Okay. Come round right now if you like.”

  While I waited for him to arrive, I thought about what I might say. I was pretty sure now that there was no going back. Maybe neither of us was as in love as much as we used to be. Somehow, we’d gone through the motions without me ever stopping to consider if we were still a good match. We hadn’t been out for a meal or a day or anything nice as a couple for so long. He was right; I spent more time with Shane than him. We’d drifted apart. And now I was drifting towards Aiden.

  Somehow, letting him go no longer made me sad, but relieved. I wasn’t jealous of those other girls, I was almost … grateful. The realisation made me smile.

  I imagined Aiden kissing another woman and realised how that did make me unhappy. Interesting.

  His knock came at the door and a rush of familiarity washed over me as I looked at him. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure again. I walked back into the living room without waiting to let him pass or greet me. I sat down on the sofa and he went to the armchair. Before he could speak I held out my hand to stop him.

  “Tell me something, Ross. How many times has this happened?”

  “What?”

  “The random sex with a stranger.”

  “Just this once, babe.”

  “And why did you tell me? Why not keep it secret?”

  “Because I felt so guilty.”

  “No, because Aiden saw you.”

  His face turned white.

  “Aiden told you that? Jesus, he’s supposed to be my brother.”

  “Aiden cares about me.”

  His eyes flashed to mine.

  “What?”

  “Like a brother. He’s just looking out for me, that’s all.”

  He relaxed his shoulders and sat back.

  “Well, I still felt guilty. I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “Admit there was more than one and I’ll maybe start to trust you again. Come on, you may as well admit it.”

  He sighed and I realised I was right. And the pain was there again; but this time instead of feeling heartbroken, I felt rejected. I’d not been good enough, and so he’d strayed. Not just once because he was drunk, but repeatedly.

  “Listen. I think I’ve got a problem.”

  I shook my head as my eyes created fresh hot tears.

  “Please just listen?”

  I nodded my head.

  “Yes, it’s happened several times in the past. I do realise what a risky, stupid, crazy thing it was to do. But you have to listen, Jenny, because I can’t lose you. You have to believe it was just sex, nothing more. Please don’t let my stupidity ruin what we’ve got.”

  He started to cry and somehow, from some soft part of me, I pitied him. After a few minutes, he got it together and took a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It’s nice to see you do care about our marriage.”

  “Of course I do! I love you.”

  “You haven’t acted like you do though, have you?”

  “I’ve been doing some reading online, about the seven year itch.”

  “What?”

  “You know, when a couple have been together seven years?”

  “I am familiar with the term – I just don’t think it’s a very good excuse.”

  “I know, I know.”

  “And when did you first cheat?”

  He sighed.

  “Does the detail matter?”

  “Honesty matters. I need complete honesty.”

  “Okay. Fair enough. I guess about a year ago.”

  “So you’ve been lying all this time and I couldn’t even tell? What a fool I am.”

  “No, I’m the fool.”

  I sighed. I wasn’t angry anymore. Just bored of thinking and talking about it.

  “So what did you come here to say?”

  “I just want to know if you think you’re ever going to take me back?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t think straight and I keep changing my mind. Right now, probably not.”

  He looked alarmed, like he hadn’t really thought this could happen.

  “Probably not?”

  “I’m confused, okay? But I’m pretty sure I don’t love you anymore. So no, probably not.”

  “How can you not love me all of a sudden?”

  “How can I love someone who’s repeatedly shagged around, betrayed my trust? How can you love me? You haven’t acted as if you do.”

  “It was just sex!”

  “Just? Just? You say that like it’s okay, like I should be okay with this. It’s not okay, Ross. Loving husband do not have sex with strangers.”

  My voice sounded different; angry and bitter, not like me at all. I sighed again. Sitting here, opposite him, felt familiar and comfortable, despite the conversation we were having. We did have a history, and it’d been a rather nice one at times. Was I really going to walk away from him because of some meaningless sexual acts? Could I really tell him I wanted a divorce?

  “This can’t be over, Jenny,” he said, coming closer and taking my hands. “We could move someplace new and start afresh. New people, new scenery. No mates for me to go out and get hammered with so no concerns about me cheating. I’ll see a therapist, go to counselling, whatever you need me to do. We’ll work through this.”

  I looked into his eyes. Half of me wanted to kiss and make up and go back to the simple normality I’d lost over the past week, and yet the other half wanted to tell him to jog on.

  “Even if I could trust you, even if we could get our relationship back on track,” I said, watching his hopeful face, “I’m not sure if I love you as much as I used to, Ross. Maybe we were coasting a bit. Maybe we’re not right for each other.”

  He moved his head away from me, taking this in, a shocked expression coming over him.

  “How can you say that?”

  “Look, this is all too much. I’ve had a crazy week and I need to think and clear my head. Can you just give me more time to think?”

  “How much time?”

  “Well, I think I might go away next week with Hayley, get some distance.”

  “I don’t see how having time apart can help. I thought we might still go somewhere together. Maybe if you spend some time with me, you might fall in love again? It could be a second honeymoon.”

  “I want to clear my head, and right now I can’t be around you. The thought of you going out and being with other women makes me sick. So no, I don’t think it’s as easy as that. You can’t just say sweet things and think I’ll fall for you all over again.”

  “Okay. Fine. But I can’t wait forever, I need to think about where I might live. Aiden’s already getting annoyed with having me around.”

  My heart tingled at the sound of his brother’s name.

  “Well, just let me get away with Hayley for a bit. You can stay here while I’m gone.”


  “Okay, I guess so. How about we agree to talk properly the day after you get back? And whatever you decide, that’s fine. I’ll accept it.”

  “Really?”

  “You’ll realise you miss me.”

  I wasn’t sure I would, but I just shrugged my shoulders.

  Chapter Eleven

  After he left, I called Hayley and said if she was still up for it, a week somewhere warm would be wonderful. She said she’d already planned the week off work in the hope I’d call, and we arranged to meet the next evening to look on the internet and find somewhere to go.

  After our phone call, I couldn’t stop thinking about Aiden. If only he weren’t my husband’s brother. If only Ross hadn’t begged me earlier. I tried to imagine their parents’ faces if Aiden told them he was with me now. They’d be angry, I decided. Let them be, I thought. This is Ross’ fault, not mine.

  I got out my phone and wrote a text.

  Hi Aiden. Going away with Hayley like you suggested. I will think long and hard, but just so you know … I can’t get your kiss out of my mind. Night night. Love, Jenny x

  He replied a few minutes later and I smiled to myself as I read it.

  Good. Get some space. I’m sorry I did that, I couldn’t help myself. You have no idea how irresistible you are. But whatever you decide is going to be fine with me, and I hope we’ll always be friends. Even if you take Ross back, please don’t worry about me. You’ve got to do what’s right for you. But until you know what you want, know this: you’re so special and you deserve happiness. Sorry for waffling on. Here if you need me, otherwise talk to you when you get back x

  I smiled and went to sleep dreaming about that kiss.

  “So I’ve got an idea,” Hayley said to me the next day when we met up for a coffee and to talk about potential holiday locations.

  “Okay, hit me with it.”

  “How about the Isle of Skye?”

  I looked at her for a minute, wondering whether she was joking. The Isle of Skye looked beautiful and it was just the sort of place I might have planned to go to for a walking holiday with Ross, pre-cheating revelation.

  What threw me was that it wasn’t Hayley’s sort of place at all. Hayley liked the sunshine. And cocktails. Lazing by the pool and swimming in the sea. Hills and rain and midges did not mix with my friend.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. I know it’s not that exotic, but look.” She took her iPad out of her bag and showed me a bunch of photos she’d saved of mountains, lochs and sea views. “Doesn’t it look beautiful?”

  “Stunning,” I agreed, “but the sun is shining in all these photos. What if it rains the whole time?”

  “Well, we can buy some waterproof cagoules or something.”

  “I’ve already got one.”

  “Excellent. Well, what do you think? We can go hiking and stuff.”

  “It sounds great, but not your sort of thing. I don’t understand?”

  “Well, this trip is all about you. We could even take Wentworth.”

  “But it’s your time off and your money, too. Plus I was imagining somewhere warmer to be honest.”

  She bit her lip. Here came the real story. I knew there was some ulterior motive.

  “Do you remember Guy?”

  “How could I forget? Oh, I see! So it’s not all about me, after all?”

  Guy was Hayley’s first serious boyfriend, and they were crazy about each other from the age of about fourteen until seventeen, when Guy’s family moved to Scotland. His father was a farmer and an opportunity came up, so he whisked his family away and they settled there. Hayley was devastated. She cried for weeks after he left. They emailed, sending little love notes and parcels to each other for a while. Guy promised he’d moved back down south as soon as he left school, but they drifted apart over time and eventually, Hayley moved on.

  She started talking, quickly.

  “You see, I think about him a lot. I guess I never really got closure. We didn’t split up as such and have an emotional goodbye, we just stopped emailing after a while. And I was happy enough, but since Kieran proposed to me, I can’t stop thinking about Guy. I know it’s stupid and we’ve both changed I’m sure, but I just wanted to see him again and find out how he is. Get some closure before I start planning my wedding.”

  She spoke with such passion. More passion that I had for anything right now. I was envious.

  “Can’t you just look him up on Facebook?”

  “I did!” She pointed to her iPad again. “He’s not on there. I even looked up his brother, his parents, allsorts, but I can’t find anything. I tried the telephone number, but it’s no longer in use. So, if I want to find out where he is, I have to go up there.”

  “What makes you think he still lives on Skye?”

  “I doubt he does. But I have the address he moved to, so I thought I could see if he’s there, or speak to his parents if they are and, you know, just find out and get closure and move on.”

  “What if he’s married?”

  “I hope he is!”

  I doubted that by the look on her face.

  “Why?”

  “Because I love Kieran, I really do. Honestly, Jenny, I’m not trying to reignite this thing with Guy. It was so long ago … I just want to find out how he is, that’s all. Get closure. Forget him. I can’t forget him right now, I think about him every day, I have no idea why but I won’t be able to commit and get married until I see him again.”

  “I don’t know about this Hayley…”

  “Please come with me? I know it’s not as exciting as jetting off to Greece or something but you do love walking, and look at these lush green hills!” She pointed at the photos again. “We’ll go out every day, come rain or shine. We’ll find a nice little pub and go for lunch. If the weather is nice we’ll chill on the beach. You’ll have time to think things through and really clear your head. It’s just one day during the trip that I’d like to go see him, if he’s there.”

  I did like the idea of going to Skye. It looked beautiful. Plus, I’d save some money. I hadn’t even thought about how I’d afford to live on my own yet but it would be better not to blow too much of my savings on this trip.

  “How were you thinking we’d get there?”

  “I thought it’d be a fun road trip. We can take it in turns to drive, take some yummy snacks, put some good music on…”

  “And what if Guy is single and cute as ever? Are you just going to say hi, find closure, and come back to Kieran and forget him?”

  “I know it sounds crazy, I do, and I know I’m not seventeen anymore and I don’t want to hurt Kieran. But I just need to do this. So I can go up there one weekend alone, or we can incorporate it into our holiday and you can be there to listen and see how it pans out.”

  I looked at her face. She was so keen, and I figured the likelihood of Guy still being in the same house was slim. He didn’t want to move up there in the first place and had probably escaped long ago. And it did sound like fun.

  So, I agreed and while Hayley whooped with delight, I used her iPad to book us a week’s stay in a cottage on the Isle of Skye.

  Chapter Twelve

  We spent the next few days packing. Hayley read that there wasn’t much on Skye other than a Co-op and a few pubs and castles. No Tesco even.

  “What sort of a place doesn’t have a Tesco?” Hayley whined. I thought it sounded rather wonderful.

  So we stocked up on food for the week and bought Hayley a waterproof jacket and some hiking boots.

  I made myself so busy I didn’t have time to see Ross or Aiden, and decided it was probably better not to, anyway. I still thought of Aiden every moment I had spare and couldn’t see myself coming back from the trip and wanting Ross back. Shane convinced me I needed more time to make the decision and so I tried not to analyse everything too much, figuring I’d think about it while away and make a decision by the time I returned from Skye.

  The Friday night before the trip, I made myself
beans on toast. As I opened the butter, I found another thing to add to the list of things I wouldn’t miss about Ross if I lived alone: toast crumbs had invaded. Yuck. Why did he always do that? I bet Aiden never did.

  As I sat eating, I really started to think. I was no longer madly in love with Ross. That much was clear. I was embarrassed more than heartbroken now.

  As for Aiden, my crush was still very much there, growing stronger every time I thought about that kiss. But maybe he was right. Maybe he was just the first kind man around after Ross.

  I couldn’t allow him to be a rebound, he deserved better. But the way he looked at me … the way he kissed me – it had to be real with the feelings I had.

  Then there was option number three. The sensible choice, given the facts. Walk away from them both and get a flat.

  Maybe Aiden could come and visit me… Oh. Back to thinking about him again.

  At 8pm Hayley arrived and I told her about Aiden. She listened intently, mouth agape.

  “Why didn’t you tell me the other day?”

  “Confusion. Embarrassment.”

  “Well, Skye seems a great place to clear your head. You’ll feel better soon, I bet.”

  “I hope so.”

  After a bunch more questions, Hayley produced a carrier bag.

  “What’s this?”

  “Some stuff I kept from our school days.”

  She tipped it out on my coffee table and we rifled through a bunch of photographs of us with our friends. We giggled, talking about the girls and boys we knew, both of us remembering fun times we’d had and stories about the people we hadn’t seen for years. It was funny, how friends could become strangers; well, that’s if you discounted the Facebook posts where we silently stalked each other without actually communicating in anyway, other than liking each other’s holiday snaps and baby photos.